tag:dreamwidth.org,2015-03-22:2390570All Eyes on Me"Do you know why heroes boast? Because it makes them brave."breakinglight112022-03-05T02:41:58Ztag:dreamwidth.org,2015-03-22:2390570:942974Moisturized and thriving2022-03-05T01:41:28Z2022-03-05T02:41:58Zpublic0I really like things that smell nice, and wearing nice scents. I particularly love nice lotions, and find them my preferred way to put on fragrance. I have a hard time gauging how much perfume to use— I find the line between my skin eating it and it being way too much is easy to cross. My mother thought using body spray was the gateway drug to not showering and I can’t touch the stuff without hearing her disapproval. So while I’ve got those too, I end up using lotion more than anything else. I have a hard time resisting buying the stuff whenever the opportunity presents, and I sometimes think my ideal state of being would be just living in a big sack or tub of it all the time. <br /><br />But then the perfume, which doesn’t last forever, goes bad because I don’t use it. So I had an idea to buy a bunch of unscented lotion— I personally like the stuff from the <a href="http://hairyfarmpitgirls.com/">Hairy Farmpit Girls</a>, a charming queer-owned small business who writes hilarious anecdotes of life on their farm. Every time I use it, I’m going to combine it with one of my little “imp’s ears”, which is what <a href="https://blackphoenixalchemylab.com/">Black Phoenix Alchemy Labs</a> calls their little sample vials of scent. They’re kind of an alt, gothy perfume company I’ve been a fan of since friends introduced me to it in college, and they sell little samples that I have quite a collection of at this point. <br /><br />Some of them I didn’t end up liking, and some I didn’t use up fast enough before the scent changed with age. But of the ones I do like and want to wear, I thought mixing them into the plain lotion would be a practical way to actually make use of them. It’ll be like having a different kind of lotion every day, without having a million bottles cluttering up my life. (Reminder to self not to buy a million more kinds of lotion.) It’s always pleasant to be around a person who smells nice, so I like the idea of that being me.<br /><br /><img src="https://www.dreamwidth.org/tools/commentcount?user=breakinglight11&ditemid=942974" width="30" height="12" alt="comment count unavailable" style="vertical-align: middle;"/> commentstag:dreamwidth.org,2015-03-22:2390570:925930Spotty little mushroom person2021-07-26T13:48:14Z2021-07-26T13:50:28Zpublic1Not feeling great about my appearance lately. Specifically my skin and hair, but generally haven’t thought I looked great. <br /><br />Last month I broke out pretty seriously, for the first time since I think the pandemic began. My Curology prescription, which had been doing pretty well by me, seemed to have abruptly stopped working, and my chin has been a spotty pink mess for weeks now. I made an appointment with an actual dermatologist who recommended an expensive prescription-only preparation which doesn’t seem to have made a dent in it, but since going away to see Bernie my use of it hasn’t been that consistent. I probably need to make sure I’m using it every night for a solid period of time before I’m sure it won’t do the job. But in the meantime, the spots are pretty bad, and right over my chin area where my skin is most showing its age. :-/ I’ve been trying not to fixate on it, but a year of Zoom calls has made me very aware of how my face is starting to change. <br /><br />Sigh. Acne and sagging skin? Why do I have the worst of youth and age at the same time?<br /><br />And I hate my hair. I’ve been growing it out from my short cut of the last several years, but I really don’t like the weird in-between stage it’s been in for months. I don’t know how to style it so it doesn’t look awkward, like I’m a little mushroom person. I think a lot about shaving it back down into a quiff, tall in the center and razored on the sides. I actually think I made it work, and I enjoyed having the aspect of a fierce bird. But as I’m aging, I think I might be getting too old for such a severe look. God knows I can’t function if boys don’t think I’m pretty, so I think I need to grow it out long again into something more femme. I have kind of missed having girlier hair. But I can’t get there without going through this awkward growing-out period. And if I shave it down again out of frustration, it’ll take even longer to get it long again. So I guess I’m stuck being patient and weird-looking a while more.<br /><br />At least I’ve been in pretty good shape lately. Took a few pictures lately where that’s visibly on point, which makes me feel a bit better about things. I worked out really seriously during lockdown, probably the toughest workouts of my life, so I’ve got that going for me at least. However I basically did nothing over the two and a half weeks Bernie visited, so I feel so week and squishy right now. I need to get back in my good habit so dragging myself through the workout isn’t so painful. It took me a long time to build up the strength, and I really don’t want to lose it. Not to mention the slammin’ body it gave me. <br /><br /><center><a href="https://breakinglight11.dreamwidth.org/file/76076.jpg"><img src="https://breakinglight11.dreamwidth.org/file/76076.jpg" height="100" alt="" /></a></center><br /><br />Photoshop takes care of the pimples. If only my hair weren’t so mushroomy.<br /><br /><img src="https://www.dreamwidth.org/tools/commentcount?user=breakinglight11&ditemid=925930" width="30" height="12" alt="comment count unavailable" style="vertical-align: middle;"/> commentstag:dreamwidth.org,2015-03-22:2390570:859527Fuzzyheaded ninnyhammer2017-09-22T21:06:06Z2017-09-23T12:58:27Zpublic0<a href="https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10100809156415949.1073741833.9804341&type=1&l=dfde66e367">As you may have seen in various pictures on Facebook, I have cut my hair.</a><br /><br /><center><img src="https://phoeberobertsofficial.files.wordpress.com/2017/09/img_0318.jpg" alt="IMG_3628" width="320" height="426.666666666667" class="alignnone size-full wp-image-382" /></center><br /><br />I've had long hair my whole life, and generally have had a preference for it, for myself, and for the majority of women whose appearance appealed to me. I went from hip-length with bangs that ate my whole head in my childhood to growing out the bangs to cutting it to shoulder blade-length in the beginning of college. For years I'd relied on long layers that I never got refreshed often enough. The failed <a href="https://breakinglight11.dreamwidth.org/749828.html">attempt to turn it blonde</a> two years ago and the <a href="https://breakinglight11.dreamwidth.org/792051.html">much more successful dyeing it to pink</a> last year were the only major changes I ever made to it as an adult.<br /><br /><center><img src="https://phoeberobertsofficial.files.wordpress.com/2017/09/img_0309.jpg" alt="IMG_3628" width="320" height="426.666666666667" class="alignnone size-full wp-image-382" /></center><br /><br />I don't know what possessed me to hack it off. Probably mostly just craving a change, but also because I just wanted to look a little bit "cooler" somehow— whatever the hell that even means. I'm a vain enough person that I get really upset if I don't think I look good according to my own particular aesthetic. If I ended up appreciably less pretty, I would be pretty grouchy until it grew back out to something I found flattering.<br /><br />But my whole adult life, I've been wishing for, and trying to do everything to make, my appearance to be less "soft." I like my weight low to keep my figure lean and hard; I don't want curves, I want lines and angles, flat planes, defined bones. When I think of the things I'd fix about my face, it's always wishing for my features to be "sharper" and "tighter"— a more angular face shape, a more pointed nose, for the line of my jaw to be harder (with less of a hint of age-related jowliness in my future). I wanted to try and see if "harder-edged" hairstyle might help take away some of that "softness" I see.<br /><br /><center><img src="https://phoeberobertsofficial.files.wordpress.com/2017/09/img_0305.jpg" alt="IMG_3628" width="320" height="426.666666666667" class="alignnone size-full wp-image-382" /></center><br /><br />I didn't like it when I first walked out of the salon. But learning how to try to style it has made me come around, especially because I have a lot of options to try. It has been kind of fun learning to do it. I was never really able to execute anything with my long hair and tended to default to down, in a ponytail, or in mashed into a messy bun. I’m finding the short hair responds to products a little more easily and am trying different things. I like it best, I think, when it stands up like a bird crest. It makes me look more ferocious, which is kind of the effect I’m hoping for.<br /><br /><center><img src="https://phoeberobertsofficial.files.wordpress.com/2017/09/img_0269.jpg" alt="IMG_3628" width="320" height="426.666666666667" class="alignnone size-full wp-image-382" /></center><br /><br />Though I do wonder if men will find me less attractive. I mean, not that I want to make strangers come up and talk to me or anything, but I like it when people who look at me across a room think I'm pretty. I wish I didn't care about that, but I do. I’m not actively pursuing modeling right now, but I bet I’d get less work. I so miss the way the long hair framed my face, which probably ultimately was prettier. Of course, I spend so much goddamn time staring at my face it doesn't look like a face anymore. Sort of like when you say a word over and over again, it starts sounding weird and loses all meaning. <br /><br />I will probably not keep it this way forever. But it’s fun to play around with for now. I’m particularly hoping that as I get better at styling it, I will get happier with it.<br /><br /><img src="https://www.dreamwidth.org/tools/commentcount?user=breakinglight11&ditemid=859527" width="30" height="12" alt="comment count unavailable" style="vertical-align: middle;"/> comments