All Eyes on Me

Two years in, our house finally feels settled

2024-09-25T16:13:09Z

This October marks two years since Bernie and I moved in together at our current place in Newton. It’s been a wonderful change for me, living with Bernie after spending almost seven years long distance, and into a better space that feels more like mine after eleven years in my old place with roommates. I’ve been very happy there, but it’s only recently that we’ve finally reached a point where I feel like we have the house arranged and furnished the way I wanted it.

For a long while now, my dad has been planning to downsize to be able to move out of and sell our childhood home. It’s been slow, since he was still working full time until this past summer, and I think the emotional weight of moving onto the next life stage has had significant impact. But he offered me my pick of a lot of the furniture, and there were a number of pieces I wanted to move up to my place. The biggest one was, of course, the library shelves, a beautiful set of eleven wood segments that held Dad’s collection from the Easton Press, handsome leather bound books he’s been building up over the course of the last twenty years. I’ve always loved them— I think Dad went to the trouble with them so my brother and I could grow up around beautiful books and develop our respect for them —so I’d been hoping to bring them North since I moved.

The problem had been, however, convincing Dad to just let Bernie and I move them. I think he still thinks of me as the child I used to be who was too spacey to take good care of her things, so he kept trying to get us to use professional movers. Which then were all either too cheap and do a bad job or too expensive and screw us. It took a confluence of events plus Bernie carefully explaining a moving plan before he let us just do it ourselves. However, when he finally changed his mind, we weren’t expecting to do all that labor the weekend we went up to visit, so the enormity of the job threw our schedule into a tailspin we’re only just now digging ourselves out of. But it means we finally, finally, have the shelves we’ve been saving space for in our house for the last two years.

They’re really beautiful, particularly the set we’ve filled only with the nice leather books and tasteful art objects we’ve put in the living room. It makes for such a wow when you first turn in from the doorway. I’ve always had this fantasy of living in a home that didn’t make me feel like a college student just figuring things out, and finally the living room space fits that.

The other shelves are in my office and Bernie’s on the second floor; we don’t have any one space big enough to display them all together the way my parents did. But we needed the extra storage space, as even with the new books, the shelves enabled us to unpack some our of own books that had been sitting in boxes since we moved in. It feels good to have finally dealt with that stuff.

It also helped me make the upstairs room that is supposed to be more office feel more comfortable and complete. But I will talk about that in my next entry.

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Tenoch Huerta as Namor

2022-11-07T20:52:51Z

I am kind of fascinated by the presentation of Tenoch Huerta as Namor in the new Black Panther movie. Not just because of the Central American aesthetic; that was definitely unexpected, though very welcome to me, seeing as it’s gorgeously rendered and a very cool artistic inspiration from a culture not previously much referenced in the Marvel universe. More because of the vibe they gave him.

Namor, like every other long-running comics character, has been interpreted in a variety of different ways, from imperious ocean wizard to smarmy undersea fuck boy. I confess I’ve always preferred the latter, watching him “hey, girl” at Sue Storm in front of her husband and scoff at people too unsophisticated to appreciate the charms of the shrimp queen. For years I’ve been cracking, “I can’t wait to see what twenty-five-year-old underwear model they cast to play him.” I was picturing a chiseled, smooth-skinned boy-man, preening and lip-biting as he imposed himself through ego and brazen sexuality. While there is a basis for Slutty Namor(TM), I admit the limits my particular biases and tastes on the topic placed on my imagination.

But Tenoch Huerta and the way they present him isn’t any of those things. In the trailers, he projects ten thousand percent, pure, weapons-grade MAJESTY. In real life, Huerta is a cute guy, even kind of sweet-faced. And you don’t get cast as an MCU superhero unless you’ve got BODY. But his beauty is in a shock and awe sort of way, blowing you away with his presence, his costume nothing but a few adornments meant to emphasize his status. Torque, headdress, jade jewelry. The bareness of his body seems to not to have any of the usual semiotics of nakedness— it’s not about honesty, or vulnerability, or even sexualization. It’s like a declaration of power, that his lack of concealment or protection of any kind is because he is too mighty to need it. More than anything it reminds me, weirdly enough, of dark Galadriel in Peter Jackson’s Lord of the Rings, beautiful and terrible as the dawn. Untouchable, imposing, and above all else, magisterial.

I was very surprised by it, but I’m super intrigued. This approach feels so fresh and I can’t wait to see what they do with it.

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31 Plays in 31 Days, #11 - “Get in the Door”

2022-08-11T12:10:34Z

An idea I’m exploring with Leah in Dream Machine is the tension between the pressure and desire to be pretty with how it affects your ability to be and do other things. It’s something I find myself wrestling with personally, and it seemed like a good fit for a character who was driven by the desire to do art, but had to deal with the pressures of working in Hollywood, plus a bunch of internalized impulses that had to be unpacked, examined, and possibly unlearned. I started this getting dealt with in episode 5 of Dream Machine, but here’s a lot of expansion on it.

I don’t usually like the monologue form, but it seemed appropriate here.

( Day #11 - Get in the Door )

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Mr. Global is a thing

2022-03-18T03:49:15Z

I was unaware that Mr. Global is a thing. How did the Internet manage to keep this from me?

It is generally about as tacky with the costumes as Miss Universe, which I appreciate. My favorite is Mr. Vietnam, who I think best balances looking hot with not looking ridiculous. Honorable mentions to Mr. Philippines, Mr. Puerto Rico, Mr. Laos, and Mr. Hong Kong.

Mr. Cambodia, Mr. UK, Mr. Malaysia, Mr. Korea, and Mr. India manage to stay pretty classy. Mr. Macau is doing the exact opposite of that, and I am here for it.

Mr. Peru, Mr. Mexico, Mr. Bolivia, Mr. Thailand, Mr. Sri Lanka, Mr. South Africa, Mr. Panama, Mr. Nigeria, Mr. Indonesia, and Mr. Ecuador would like their Miss Universe counterparts to know THEY WILL NOT BE OUTDONE. Bless you, gentlemen. And your abs.

Mr. Czechia, Mr. Romania, and Mr. Myanmar are straight-up in folk costume. Mr. Brazil and Mr. Dominican Republic are in the same vein, except for Sexy Halloween.

Mr. Venezuela was dressed by his mom for this, you guys.

I respect Mr. Spain for going there.

Mr. Japan is perhaps approaching this with… a slightly different ethos.

Mr. Cuba made me burst out laughing, being almost TOO on point.

Mr. Switzerland and Mr. France don’t give a fuck.

Mr. United States is… pretty much living up to our reputation on the world stage.

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The boy next door grows up

2019-03-31T00:05:19Z

Chris Evans did a new picture editorial recently. It really struck me, and not just for the expected reasons. It drove home how... grown up he's been looking lately. Even in a way the one for Italian Vogue didn't manage.

I think I know what he's doing. I bet it's similar to what Brad Pitt did in the mid-2000's, when he was trying to get people to see him as more than a pretty boy and consider him for different, more mature sorts of roles. Evans has not been in a ton of very good movies, and most of them have in some way played off of his beautiful boy-next-door image. He's leaving his Captain America role. I've heard he wants to transition to directing. You get so nailed into "types" and "niches" in Hollywood, I think he's trying to get people to see him as a more mature and serious artist, to give him a chance to start a new stage of his career.

It makes me wistful, in a weird way. It's a noticeable shift. I mean, he used to do stuff like this:

This is hardly a bad change. He still looks phenomenal, and like a Grown Man in a way he didn't always before. He's still built like a beast— look at his arms in the first image, the shape of his trunk in that second. But those are expensive, mature man's clothes, and it looks like that beard is here to stay, and I technically prefer him clean-shaven. I joked that he's probably not going to be taking his shirt off as much anymore, now that he's a Grown-Up Serious Artist. I'm going to miss him as Captain America, which has been important to me in large and small ways.

And he's nearing forty. He's too old to ever play Aidan, even if I ever do manage to get that made. Honestly, he was probably too old even when I first wrote it. But this makes it seem final in a way it never did before. And that makes me sad.

It's stupid. All things must change, and life goes ever on. But even dumb dreams are tough to let go of.

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Finally teaching a touch of costume design

2019-03-23T19:44:29Z

I went in as a guest speaker for a friend's theater class this week. Cari's husband Aaron asked if I could give a lecture for a class he was assigned at North Shore, and I decided it might be fun to introduce the idea of costume-choices-as-narrative. It's something I LOVE discussing but have very little opportunity to focus on in my regular instruction.

Bernie made the intriguing suggestion of choosing a particular character whose wardrobe changes with their nature and their circumstances, and explaining how it helps support telling their story. He recommended Captain America from the MCU— seeing as I knew him very well, the students were likely to have some frame of reference about him, and I likely wouldn't even need to look up a ton of visuals. My iPad is already choked to death on them, after all.

Of course, he and some others I mentioned it to warned me not to be too gross about discussing how Chris Evans looks and was dressed. The students didn't know me, after all, and I didn't want to seem creepy. I was a touch indignant, but acknowledge the point. The class was to be about the clothes and styling choices, after all, and while casting definitely affects how they make those choices, I didn't want to muddy the focus.

The hilarious thing was, THEY couldn't stop talking about how hot he was. The few times I had to rein them back into the discussion, they had gone off talking to each other about it— boys and girls alike. I managed to stay uncreepy, I think, but that amused the hell out of me.

I explained things about where the character was at any given time. How they made him look as unflattering and unimpressive as possible when he was skinny and asthmatic with clothes that didn't fit great, were in dull colors, and had 1940s period touches that read as "dorky" today, like short ties and suspenders. How even post-transformation he is still the same modest person on the inside, so still prefers conventional, low-key styles in a blue, white, and gray color palette. How when he first arrives in the 21st Century, he dresses in clothes that a person could have worn at any point between then and 1930 without really seeming strange, but would look at home on any grandpa— pleated, high-waisted trousers, blue plaid button-downs. But even when he updates his look to be more contemporary, with lower rise jeans and jackets with high-tech fabric and interesting seaming, he still sticks with simple looks that do not draw a lot of attention. How his one small dressing affectation is a love of brown leather jackets, likely learned in the army, that he updates with more and more modern styling periodically. How they keep him in those palette and styling parameters to contrast with Tony Stark. He's old enough to be Steve's father, but Tony is flashy and attention-seeking, with more red and black, dressing young for his age where Steve dresses old, in designer suits, graphic T's, and glasses with colored lenses. I dealt with the superhero suit as well, of course, but in a more general sense, pointing out its evolution through the circumstances in which Steve wears it, how it got more modern and functional in design, and how its breakdown is used to demonstrate how low he is by the time we've gotten to Infinity War.

I also brought in things about Mrs. Hawking, pointing out that theatrical circumstances require broader strokes, and how we work on a limited budget. I pointed out how many characters are associated with certain colors, like Clara with green and Mary with blue, to help audience members identify them, and to draw contrasts and connections. I pointed out how Mrs. Frost's blue and white is her attempt to seem innocuous, so when Clara confronts her in green and black she looks oppositional and threatening against her, and how Clara's fur coat functions like a form of armor. I compared Mrs. Hawking's super suit to Madam Malaika's, how they served to both underline the women's deep similarities as heroes as well as their vast differences. I pointed out how in Frost's scenes there is basically no color except HER color, and the significance of her tying it around Nathaniel's neck is a declaration of her power over him.

I wanted to give them a taste of everything you can do, and how creative you can be to say things with your choices. I had to pick and choose a few evocative moments, as there's so many possibilities for how costuming can be used. There are dozens more things in Mrs. Hawking that could be discussed on this level. And I tried to keep things a little on the simple side for the sake of introduction.

Like, I cut out some of Steve's outfits like the athletic wear in the "On your left" scene at the top of Winter Soldier. I'm ninety percent sure they have a relationship with Under Armour that required them to dress him in a way that made him look as hot in it as possible, but I don't really think it's totally diegetic that he'd wear his clothes that tight. It's not just too showy; it's borderline vulgar, to be honest. I think you can justify it in-story with the idea that he's never totally come to "own" his new body, to reconcile the reality of it with his self-image, and so doesn't have the best sense of what's going to fit it. But honestly, the character that they've established him to be is going to be slightly embarrassed to go outside like that, in the absence of concerns like "using Chris Evans's considerable assets to sell tickets."

I've always wanted to teach a full-semester theory of costume design class, but never have had the opportunity before, so this was super fun for me. It also makes me want to do a fuller exegesis on Steve's journey through costuming, about what all his looks say from a narrative standpoint. It's a study I'm fascinated by, and I had so much fun getting to teach other people about it for a little bit.

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The reductio ad absurdum of everything I love

2019-02-24T22:53:35Z

I feel like I’ve just thought of a perfect way to introduce myself to someone who didn’t know me.

This is a short film called “The Tale of Thomas Burberry,” produced as an ad for the famous Burberry London fashion house. A filmic showpiece done up in an expensive, cinematic style with Hollywood actors.

I utterly and completely adore it. It has every piece of my aesthetic.

- Lush, gorgeously realized visuals and cinematography
- A spare, swift-moving and yet still entirely parsable narrative
- Exquisite production design
- Moody emotionality conveyed through facial expressions with minimal dialogue
- The intersection of domestic and grand-scale history; specifically in the Victorian and WWI eras
- The glorification of a visionary creator; specifically a craftsman in the field of sewing and clothing design
- Beautiful, glamorous people
- Gravitas conveyed by the gestalt thereof

Seriously. Throw in a cameo by Chris Evans and a tiny woman who’s mean to everyone and I’d think they made it for me.

And yet… I find it utterly ridiculous. To the point where it makes me laugh. I mean. It takes itself SO SERIOUSLY. The WEIGHT and GRANDEUR and ENORMITY, of what is basically just a really expensive ad for a clothing company. About the WORLD-CHANGING IMPORTANCE of OVERPRICED GABARDINE.

I mean, yes, gabardine is a cool invention, and the trenchcoat made real contributions to history and culture, as the WWI and Shackleton expedition allusions indicate. But come on, dude. You waterproofed coats. Let’s have some perspective here. You cannot sell that on that on the power of Domhnall Gleeson GIVING FACE alone.

And yet. The FACE-GIVING. IN EXQUISITE PRODUCTION DESIGN. I am here for it all day long. The most absurd concentrate of everything I love.

This is who I am as a person. Unironically in love with things I wholeheartedly believe to be ridiculous. Hello, world, nice to meet you.

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OF COURSE I like Namor

2018-03-22T19:39:31Z

I am surprised by the regularity with which people express surprise to me that I really want Namor to show up in the MCU. Basically whenever I say it, somebody's like, why do you care about Namor? Why would you want him around in the films? They are, like, SURPRISED.

I think Namor's interesting! He's definitely, definitely a dick, particularly to T'Challa, but I like the idea that T'Challa is challenged by a fellow-royal on issues of being a king. He's conservationally-minded, and has serious problems with how humans ruin the oceans. I like how he makes Sue Storm confront the problems in her marriage to a fairly self-absorbed man. He'd be an interesting character addition, particularly when the Fantastic Four show up!

And because they can cast a twenty-five-year-old underwear model, give him some FEROCIOUS eyebrows, and make him wear a scaly banana hammock the whole film. COME ON PEOPLE HAVE YOU MET ME?

Plus, he, like, canonically bangs the queen of the crustacean people and stuff. And she really does look like a giant sea monkey, and when people are weird about it, he admonishes them for their puritanical human narrow-mindedness.

NAMOR IS NOTHING IF NOT COSMOPOLITAN IN HIS TASTES.

I mean, really. It's like you people don't know me at all.

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The prettiest/most talented girl in the world

2017-04-25T19:04:12Z

I watched the new Ryan Murphy series, Feud: Bette and Joan, even though I have extremely mixed feelings about his work. I think he's often a capable writer and certainly very creative, but I tend to think he sets things up well and lacks follow-through on the good idea. Also I occasionally find him not to write female characters so much as drag performances, caricatures of women rather than human beings. But Tom and Lorenzo recommended it and they have excellent taste, so I wanted to give it a try.

It's well-made production, focusing on the late-life rivalry between actresses Joan Crawford and Bette Davis, with mostly a solid script and excellent acting performances all around. It's still an odd blend, at TLo pointed out, of camp and pop feminism, as well as kind of padded and stylized to shape the relationship between Bette and Joan in such a way to serve the story. But what I found most fascinating were the ideas behind it. The most interesting foundational notions are two-fold. The first is that it's about the struggles of female aging, how even successful women are in danger of being cast aside when they start to get old. And the second is the framing of the rivalry between the women: that they aggravated each other's insecurities because Joan was cast as a beautiful woman who was never talented enough, and Bette was a talented woman who was never beautiful enough.

If you know even a little bit about me, you can guess that I find that fascinating. Firstly aging is probably my greatest fear for specifically that reason, that the world no longer takes an older woman seriously and views them with varying levels of pity, horror, and contempt. And I also love the examination of the dichotomy of pretty versus talented, particularly how they are constantly pitted against each other for the thing that they each have that the other one lacks. Bette can be the best artist at her craft in the world, but she still has a big gaping lack in the fact that she's not pretty and never has been. And Joan is automatically run down by the stigma that she only got by on her looks, and now that they've faded, she's got nothing. And I really loved the scene where they asked each other what it was like, to be "the [prettiest]/[most talented] girl in the world" and they each said it was the best thing ever, and it was never enough.

That I personally have felt the tension between the two very keenly, that I have to do everything I can to demonstrate the most of both. I often feel plagued that by the notion that even if I do a great job of one, it will get discounted because I haven't done enough to show the other. And then when I split my focus too much, I worry I'm coming off as mediocre in both respects. I know that to a large extent it's just a sick perception, and a target too utterly unrealistic to hit-- I want to be the PRETTIEST, MOST TALENTED GIRL IN THE WORLD apparently! --but that moment where they expressed it was the best thing ever AND STILL you never feel like it's enough was very resonant for me. I don't know if it's a truly accurate representation of Crawford and Davis, but as a conceit for drama, it really impacted me.

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