All Eyes on Me

Owning up

Fri, 25 Oct 2024 14:16:03 GMT

Blargh. I screwed up today in a way that made me get on my students’ cases for not being on top of their stuff. But when I investigated further, it was my mistake, not theirs, because a change I made to my teacher resource had not propagated to their student resource.

When I realized, I took responsibility and apologized to them. I feel bad and awkward about it, like I’ve undermined myself and my credibility next time I try to set standards for them. But maybe it’s good to model an authority figure owning up when you are in the wrong, and saying you’re sorry for what you did.

comments

Finished up with my first full-time semester

Wed, 04 Jan 2023 21:22:11 GMT

Just finished my very last bit of student feedback on research papers. With that, I am finally done with my fall semester. Took me long enough!

This also concludes my first semester as a full-time faculty instructor at Lesley. My feelings a bit complex on it. I’m very grateful I had the opportunity; it was a really good career step for me. I also think I did very good work. I worked extremely hard and I’d say pretty successfully to support my students; with the level of intervention I was able to put in, everyone in my classes passed except one, with many others helped in other sections as well. I’m proud of how well I did on that level.

But I have to admit, it was harder on me that I thought it would be. That level of proactive outreach and direct student intervention was a lot of work— I think in some ways because of being an introvert. It was a lot of bothering people and intense personal contact. And I never did really figure out the right boundary to draw on making myself available to students. Unless I had a preexisting appointment of some kind, I mostly just met them whenever they could, even if it was outside of my office hours and inconvenient. It took a lot out of me, to the point where it made me feel like I wasn’t up to the task.

I did have maybe two weeks in there where I felt like I was getting the hang out of it— but it was very late in the semester, much later than I expected, and then preparation for finals crashed in. During that time I had so many students who needed help I was doing almost double the amount of meeting hours, and it threw off all my equilibrium again. So, I don’t know, maybe I did actually reach a turning point and the last handful of weeks were just worse; maybe it won’t feel so hard without that volume of kids. But it was kind of discouraging to feel like I had to work SO HARD just to get the job done. Like, if I were better at it, it wouldn’t be so hard.

I’ve been thinking about what, if anything, I may be able to adjust for this coming semester. There are limitations to what’s in my control, but if there is anything, I’d like to find it. I think the trouble is this position is temporary until I can prove it’s worth the money, so I feel such pressure to go ABOVE AND BEYOND so they’ll let me keep it. So drawing reasonable boundaries on my time and availability is tough, for fear that I won’t end up being useful enough. It’s good for me to have this job, so I’d like it to continue. But I think I need to change something about the way I do it. Unfortunately, that may not be an option until (unless) the question of whether I’m worth it is resolved.

comments

Still getting the hang of my days now

Sat, 05 Nov 2022 00:55:30 GMT

I’ve been in my new job for about two months now, and it’s been a lot. I’m think I’m doing a pretty good job at it, but the demand to do it has been more than I expected, and it’s kept me extremely busy. I think the big thing that’s getting to me is that I don’t have as much control over my schedule as I would like.

An explicit part of my position is to be available to students to help them work on assignments to ensure they pass, and I knew that going in. But while the plan was that this would happen during office hours, about half the students I connect with can’t make it during these times. So I frequently find myself having to meet at unplanned times during my day when I thought I’d be doing something else, because otherwise I wouldn’t be able to work with the kid. I’m not expected to be constantly available, but they do want me to reach the students, and it’s become clear that’s often what it takes. Particularly since this current freshman class needs a lot of support, both with the material and with the skills of executive function.

I’m the kind of person that likes my schedule to be very regimented and predictable, so that’s been kind of a struggle for me. And because I have to be available for office hours no matter when the kids schedule, sometimes it’s tough to fit in things like lunch before I have to be at my desk. I’m still getting the hang of it; I’m starting to figure it out but I’m not quite there yet.

I also haven’t done any creative work of any kind in that time. I wrote one new Text from Avengers Tower, and that’s it. I’ve been focusing on the job and trying to make sure I figure out how to do the best I possibly can at it, but it’s been too long. I really need to figure out how to fit my writing and things back into my daily routine. I don’t like how long it’s been, but as I said, I’m not quite in a groove with my frequently-thrown-off schedule yet. But it’s definitely time I take steps, because I don’t like how separated I am from my creativity right now.

comments

New job at Lesley, new home with Bernie

Mon, 19 Sep 2022 18:44:57 GMT

It’s been about two weeks since a couple of major life changes went into effect— Bernie and I moved into together into a new place we’re renting in Newton, and I started my new job as a full-time instructor at Lesley University.

These changes were very, very welcome for me; I’ve been feeling a bit stuck in place in these aspects of my life for a while now, so I’m delighted to have made these big forwards steps. Bernie and I finally got to end our seven-year period of long distance, and I really love being in our new place. It feels like a weight’s off me being in a home that feels like ours. Having roommates was tough on me, and Bernie and I getting to be together in the day to day and do things are own way is something I’ve been dreaming of for a long time. It might just be the excitement of the new and fresh right now, but I think this is going to make for a serious improvement in my everyday mental health.

I’ve also, basically at the same time, begun a new position at my longtime employer Lesley as a full-time faculty instructor instead of just an adjunct. This is a really big career step forward for me, so I’m very happy of the opportunity. If you know anything about the current state of academia, you know that full-time teaching posts have become harder and harder to come by, with most of the teaching load filled with part-time adjuncts that are not well-compensated. Getting to move up in an institution from adjunct to full-timer is a pretty big deal, especially with how competitive the market is. Considering more and more if not most faculty have PhDs now, I’m pretty proud of the fact that my accomplishments were sufficient to be hired even though I only have an MFA. It’s more money than I’ve ever made too, and while I’ve for many years held multiple part-time jobs, this is the first real salaried full-time position I’ve ever had.

Setting up a new house and starting a new job all at once, however, is a LOT. The house is coming together, but it’s been slow going, especially since we don’t have quite enough furniture for it. And I really love the place, but it’s definitely nicer than our stuff is! Still, I don’t want to just buy a bunch of things before I’m sure what we really want to live with. I haven’t even begun to work out my office, and the kitchen is only fifty percent of truly functional, so there’s still a lot left to figure out.

And the job is a lot as well. I have a large mentoring component in addition to my classes. I really appreciate not having to drive between multiple schools, but a very high level of student support outside of class is an explicit part of my position. I’m still figuring out what my days are going to look like, what the most effective student support strategies are, and how best to manage my time. I’m supposed to help with passing and retention rates, which is kind of a tall order, but if I do well, there’s a chance my currently-one-year-appointment could be made permanent.

All this means I’ve been busy enough that I’ve done basically no creative work since September started. It feels really strange, but I’m trying to just be okay with it. I think I need to prioritize building the new shape of my life right now, since laying those foundations well will put me in a better position later. And I really don’t want to burn myself out, seeing as these life and work chores simply have to get done. Bernie and I already decided we’re not having a live Hawking performance at Arisia this year, only sending our filmed recordings and maybe a Q&A if they want it, and with both of us in new jobs and the move it becomes even clearer it was the right decision.

So, good things have happened! Though they are a lot of work. :-D

comments

Accomplishments I’m proud of in 2020

Sat, 02 Jan 2021 03:48:14 GMT

This has been a hard year for everyone, and one we’re all happy to see the back of. But for me personally, I will admit it could have been a lot worse. I like solitude and dealt with social distancing a lot better than more gregarious people did, and my job was able to adapt to the work from home model fairly well. It meant I was able to keep safe and relatively happy even during difficult times.

I was also able to stay productive and creative. I used my increased time at home to make things, and I’m actually really proud of the things I made. I added in several activities I’d been wanting to make a habit for a long time. The end result was a lot of which I’m very proud to have done:

- read 38 books this past year.

- wrote a TON of things with Bernie.
— a new pilot script for an hour-long sci-fi show called From Dust.
— four episodes of a half-hour comedy called Dream Machine
— a radio adaptation with Jeremy Holstein of the Jeeves and Wooster story Pearls Mean Tears
— almost 20,000 words of a prose fan fiction about Steve Rogers’s post-Endgame life, His Part to Play.
— a new full-length Mrs. Hawking play, the Justin Hawking-centered comedic spinoff Gentlemen Never Tell.

- put together four staged readings recorded on Zoom of the four episodes of Dream Machine, which were incredibly fun and funny to perform.

- shot two full-length socially-distanced versions of the current Mrs. Hawking shows, part VI: FALLEN WOMEN, and the new spinoff GENTLEMEN NEVER TELL, by using a system of my own design

- increased my charitable giving by almost three hundred percent, to environmental and social justice causes.

- drew 251 portraits of various people, to practice my ability to recognizably capture human faces

- got into very good shape by taking on a challenging at-home workout routine

- successfully taught two classes entirely online, allowing most of my students to succeed despite the challenges

I didn’t do everything I wanted to do this year. But I did a lot, and I’m very happy that I managed what I did.

comments

Where they are wrong

Tue, 21 Apr 2020 21:13:51 GMT

I watched a video today on making a Nigerian-style beef stew. Under it, there were a number of comments like “That’s not Nigerian beef stew! My family makes it like this, my family would never make it like that.” A fairly typical intra-ethnic disagreement, reminding me of the time I mentioned that my Italian family never ate arrancini.

But this in particular made me smile to recall a student I once tutored a couple years ago, who came to the session wearing a beautiful headwrap that looked like a crown. I complimented her on it, and she explained it to me by saying in Nigeria they called them geles. She told me she was wearing the style traditional to Nigeria, but she pointed out other women wearing different styles of geles in the tutoring room.

It was then when the student’s friend swept down upon our table. The friend was like, no no no no, don’t listen to HER, she is MISINFORMING you, ONLY the traditional Nigerian style is called a gele, you would most definitely NOT call other kinds of headwraps geles. She was here to set the record straight.

My student defended her position. “That’s what they call them in the part of Nigeria I’m from!”

Her friend’s prompt response: “Then you are from the part of Nigeria where they are wrong.”

I still tell people this sometimes when I disagree with them. We can all learn something from her confidence. I would love to hear what this woman thought of that beef stew recipe, and if it came from the part of Nigeria where they are wrong.

comments

No reading whatsoever

Mon, 14 Oct 2019 17:01:52 GMT

Every now and then I’ll be reviewing a student’s writing and be gripped with the certainty that “This is a person who does not read.“ At all. Not even in the common sense of “doesn’t read” in they don’t read books much, or as often as they used to (like me.) But does not read anything— not books, not newspapers, not magazines, not scripts, not anything —more than a few lines of very, very informally typed text.

Because if they did, they would know writing does not look like this. Honestly I feel like this is how people really understand how writing works and how it ought to be put together— by observing, constantly and consistently, how other people express ideas in words. Grammar is huge and hard to remember ever detail of, but getting a functional, naturalistic sense of it is a matter of practice and habituation. This is possible even if you don’t know what a participle is or how to diagram a sentence.

I have many students who write with the conventions of speech, which is understandable and has a logic to it, even if it’s not strictly correct. I have many who stick to basic rules so closely it becomes awkward and unnatural. But I swear it’s only in the extreme absence of this absorption that a certain level of struggle with written communication can occur.

And I still don’t have a way to say this that doesn’t come off profoundly judgmentally. Like I’m telling them something that’s wrong about them. And therefore it’s of no educational use.

comments

Status update fall 2019

Wed, 04 Sep 2019 19:00:41 GMT

Classes started for me this week, and since I still measure my life in semesters due to teaching college, it's a good time to take periodic stock.

I have five classes total, three at Lesley, two at North Shore, and one of the Lesley classes is online. They're all classes I've taught before, so I can reuse lesson plans, but I have to convert them into online materials for the last one. It will be a lot of grading, probably the most I've ever had at one time. But it'll be nice to be making a little more money, and I'm glad I can take a break from tutoring. The fact that I will not have evening classes is also something I'm grateful for, as I was really struggling with the summer teaching schedule I had.

I am almost done with the new Mrs. Hawking play, installment number six, though I am still mulling on the title. I was surprised to find that my early readers found the draft to be noticeably cleaner and closer to finished than previous versions, especially since I absolutely hated it in the drafting process. Maybe I really do have zero perspective on that in the midst of it. But I'm feeling much better about it now that I've gotten feedback and really useful, actionable suggestions for improvement. I think I should be able to finalize the draft within the next week or so.

Good thing, because now is the time to start preparations for the next round of Hawking production. We'll be debuting this new one this coming January, along with the reprise of last year's part V: Mrs. Frost. It's always a lot of work, but I like getting to build a new show, especially since the last few have interacted so interestingly with the previous show. It really lets us get a sense of the evolving story.

I've got a bunch of other writing projects to get going too, as soon as part 6 is settled. I need to edit the pilot of the Mrs. Hawking TV show in response to an executive I spoke to, which is my next big priority so I can get it to her in the next few weeks and she can look at it. I also want to work on editing my Adonis novel. Right now I'm concerned my worldbuilding efforts are coming off like a Wikipedia entry, or else are completely empty. I'm not sure how to fix that problem yet, but I know it will take some serious work.

I have started reading Bernard Cornwell's The Winter King on recommendation of my friend and writing mentor Mark. He thought it would serve as a good example for what I'm trying to do with my novel. I need to figure out how to give reader the scene-setting they need without drowning them in exposition.

My health is mostly good. I have been working out a lot and am in very strong, fairly sleek shape, though I've been eating a ton of sugar. Since the semester has started, I've made a resolution to cut back on the Coke and chai lattes, which are always my worst habit. I have been a little broken out on my chin, though, which makes me worried my beloved Curology treatment isn't working as well anymore. But it could also be due to the fact that I've been in a period of relatively high anxiety for a few weeks now. It's not at its peak anymore, but it's been a problem, leaving me pretty seriously burnt. Not a good way to start a new semester, but I actually think my schedule change will help. No evening classes and no long periods of having to sit in one place are much better suited to my lifestyle.

So overall I'm okay, except for the anxiety. I'm trying to get started on the right foot and make sure I'm not letting it make my good habits fall by the wayside. If I stay organized, I'll handle everything better.

comments

Finally teaching a touch of costume design

Sat, 23 Mar 2019 19:44:29 GMT

I went in as a guest speaker for a friend's theater class this week. Cari's husband Aaron asked if I could give a lecture for a class he was assigned at North Shore, and I decided it might be fun to introduce the idea of costume-choices-as-narrative. It's something I LOVE discussing but have very little opportunity to focus on in my regular instruction.

Bernie made the intriguing suggestion of choosing a particular character whose wardrobe changes with their nature and their circumstances, and explaining how it helps support telling their story. He recommended Captain America from the MCU— seeing as I knew him very well, the students were likely to have some frame of reference about him, and I likely wouldn't even need to look up a ton of visuals. My iPad is already choked to death on them, after all.

Of course, he and some others I mentioned it to warned me not to be too gross about discussing how Chris Evans looks and was dressed. The students didn't know me, after all, and I didn't want to seem creepy. I was a touch indignant, but acknowledge the point. The class was to be about the clothes and styling choices, after all, and while casting definitely affects how they make those choices, I didn't want to muddy the focus.

The hilarious thing was, THEY couldn't stop talking about how hot he was. The few times I had to rein them back into the discussion, they had gone off talking to each other about it— boys and girls alike. I managed to stay uncreepy, I think, but that amused the hell out of me.

I explained things about where the character was at any given time. How they made him look as unflattering and unimpressive as possible when he was skinny and asthmatic with clothes that didn't fit great, were in dull colors, and had 1940s period touches that read as "dorky" today, like short ties and suspenders. How even post-transformation he is still the same modest person on the inside, so still prefers conventional, low-key styles in a blue, white, and gray color palette. How when he first arrives in the 21st Century, he dresses in clothes that a person could have worn at any point between then and 1930 without really seeming strange, but would look at home on any grandpa— pleated, high-waisted trousers, blue plaid button-downs. But even when he updates his look to be more contemporary, with lower rise jeans and jackets with high-tech fabric and interesting seaming, he still sticks with simple looks that do not draw a lot of attention. How his one small dressing affectation is a love of brown leather jackets, likely learned in the army, that he updates with more and more modern styling periodically. How they keep him in those palette and styling parameters to contrast with Tony Stark. He's old enough to be Steve's father, but Tony is flashy and attention-seeking, with more red and black, dressing young for his age where Steve dresses old, in designer suits, graphic T's, and glasses with colored lenses. I dealt with the superhero suit as well, of course, but in a more general sense, pointing out its evolution through the circumstances in which Steve wears it, how it got more modern and functional in design, and how its breakdown is used to demonstrate how low he is by the time we've gotten to Infinity War.

I also brought in things about Mrs. Hawking, pointing out that theatrical circumstances require broader strokes, and how we work on a limited budget. I pointed out how many characters are associated with certain colors, like Clara with green and Mary with blue, to help audience members identify them, and to draw contrasts and connections. I pointed out how Mrs. Frost's blue and white is her attempt to seem innocuous, so when Clara confronts her in green and black she looks oppositional and threatening against her, and how Clara's fur coat functions like a form of armor. I compared Mrs. Hawking's super suit to Madam Malaika's, how they served to both underline the women's deep similarities as heroes as well as their vast differences. I pointed out how in Frost's scenes there is basically no color except HER color, and the significance of her tying it around Nathaniel's neck is a declaration of her power over him.

I wanted to give them a taste of everything you can do, and how creative you can be to say things with your choices. I had to pick and choose a few evocative moments, as there's so many possibilities for how costuming can be used. There are dozens more things in Mrs. Hawking that could be discussed on this level. And I tried to keep things a little on the simple side for the sake of introduction.

Like, I cut out some of Steve's outfits like the athletic wear in the "On your left" scene at the top of Winter Soldier. I'm ninety percent sure they have a relationship with Under Armour that required them to dress him in a way that made him look as hot in it as possible, but I don't really think it's totally diegetic that he'd wear his clothes that tight. It's not just too showy; it's borderline vulgar, to be honest. I think you can justify it in-story with the idea that he's never totally come to "own" his new body, to reconcile the reality of it with his self-image, and so doesn't have the best sense of what's going to fit it. But honestly, the character that they've established him to be is going to be slightly embarrassed to go outside like that, in the absence of concerns like "using Chris Evans's considerable assets to sell tickets."

I've always wanted to teach a full-semester theory of costume design class, but never have had the opportunity before, so this was super fun for me. It also makes me want to do a fuller exegesis on Steve's journey through costuming, about what all his looks say from a narrative standpoint. It's a study I'm fascinated by, and I had so much fun getting to teach other people about it for a little bit.

comments

We teach what we need to learn

Wed, 20 Feb 2019 02:37:21 GMT

I'm a pretty good writing teacher at this point. I have a knack for breaking down the creation of good writing into a process, one that has comprehensible theory behind it that I can explain, and quantifiable steps that can be followed to the end of producing meaningful work. I'm a half-decent example of the rare good athlete who also makes a good coach— I focus on the active measures a person can consciously take to do well, rather than relying too much on talent or good instinct. I know not everybody is going to find my particular highly deliberate, intellectualized process conducive to the way their brain works, but I like it because it emphasizes a reliance on making active choices, rather than being at the mercy of "flow" or "inspiration" or some other ineffable, ungovernable factor. If nothing else, it's something to turn to when you get stuck.

One of my most fervently given recommendations is to embrace drafting, particularly when you're not feeling it. Just puke out the shitty garbage terrible vomit draft so that you have SOMETHING to work with. It's vastly superior to a blank page, and you will have something you can fix up. Chances are, there's something worth salvaging, and the next editing pass will bring it closer, and the next one closer after that. Basically everything I've ever written that was any good at all was generated that way. And honestly, the stuff I DIDN'T use this method on... basically doesn't exist, because I never really could make myself finish anything any other way.

But sometimes, much as I believe in this approach, I struggle with practicing what I preach. I still feel indordinately nervous about my lousy early drafts. Like, why is it coming out so badly, why isn't it working? I know that the last three Mrs. Hawking plays felt brutally difficult to initially write, and I don't know if it's just more recent struggles feel sharper, but each felt worse in that way than the last. Yet, each one of those not only came out great, probably each of them came out BETTER than the previous one. So I have pretty solid evidence that the system works, even when it feels at its most precarious.

I'm having a hard time with that now. I have an early draft of something in progress that I hate. And I don't have a lot of examples of similar pieces to look back on to reassure myself that things tend to turn out in the editing. But I need to trust the process and go through it. I hammer it so hard because I know it works, even when it doesn't FEEL like it is. We teach what we need to learn.

So, just do it, Professor Jagoff. Practice what you preach. Write the shitty first draft and let it be as bad as it needs to be. The only way out is through.

comments

Things to do

Fri, 15 Feb 2019 19:58:17 GMT

So I finished the first draft of Mrs. Hudson Investigates last night. It's... not there yet. I tend to defer to just banging some shit out the first time around, and then coming back to fix it up and improve it later. The last scene is particularly bad, but I really wanted to get to that point of being technically "finished." I'll stay away from it for a day or two, to get some distance, and then dig into editing once I've forgotten what I wrote a little.

Intercon is not this weekend but the next. I have not done basically anything to prepare for it, but I always have a good time there and don't want to drop the ball. I have to do a little printing and a lot of prop gathering to run Silver Lines, the small-scale semi-open-world larp set in the Mrs. Hawking universe I've been running a lot lately. I also need to read the character sheet for the one game I'm playing, and put together a costume. That shouldn't be too hard, seeing as if there's anything I have access to, it's plenty of costuming options. But I got to take the minutes to do it.

I also got my first round of essays for class this semester. I like to give them about a week's turnaround time on returning them for a grade, and I hate grading so much that I do better when I grade a small number every day than when I try to do a lot at once. The week's already filling up, but I can't let it slide. Sigh. Teaching is so much more fun when I get to show up and shoot my mouth off, rather than reading boring essays and laboriously explain actionable feedback for the students to edit. It's honestly the only thing I don't like about teaching college.

And I've got a party to plan for. The Hawking cast party is this weekend, and I like to make it fun for all the people who have put so much work into the show. I'm looking forward to seeing the gang again after a few weeks going by since the performance. I look cooking and hosting, but it's more work and planning on top of everything else.

I am going to be a busy bee this week.

comments

Status update for fall 2018

Sat, 08 Sep 2018 13:59:01 GMT

Just want to quickly put down where I am at this transition into fall 2018, so I have a record and people will know.

Because I wanted to focus on making the Hawking proof of concept film— easily the most challenging project I've ever helmed — and because I've been going so hard pretty constantly for a year and a half, I decided to keep the summer otherwise low-commitment. I did some private tutoring for cash but otherwise kept myself free. It was not great for me financially, but I think my mental health and possibly even my physical health needed that three-month break.

Now I am transitioning back into my usual life. The new school semester has started, and I finally have the four-class schedule that I'd been working to get— two at Lesley like usual, and two at North Shore Community College, a place I used to teach at a few years ago and contacted me out of the blue at the last moment. It was a scramble to get syllabi together at the last minute, but it's reassuring to know where the four classes will put me financially, especially since Evil Overlord is dormant right now. I miss that job so much I can't say, and I'd love to go back if it ever continues, but for now I'm glad to have the classes to rely on.

Tentatively I am continuing with my tutoring job. I like the woman who runs the company and I don't want to leave her in the lurch if possible. But I really don't like private tutoring, and she has canceled a lot on me at the last minute, which meant I couldn't necessarily count on the work. So if the scheduling commitments I make continue to not be honored, I think I will discontinue my work there if I need to.

The film is in the process of being rough cut, which I'm enjoying. I prefer the shooting process objectively, but it's certainly easier to organize than a fifteen-person film crew on location, so it's lower stress. We've got it a little over half roughly assembled.

I also finished the draft of Mrs. Frost, got amazing feedback from smart lovely friends who read it, and have begun the edit. I find this part of the development to be harder than drafting, as I am always a little held back from getting going by the fear that I won't know how to implement the changes I need to make. But I got some very actionable suggestions at the reading, so I need to be brave and dive in. We have to get into rehearsals in October, so I need to have a solid drafter sooner rather than later.

So that's the big stuff for me! Work, writing, film, theater. And about to be swallowed up by executing it all shortly!

comments