I feel all the same concerns as you. I mean, I don't plan on ever being pregnant, and I do think about adopting, but through the foster care system [because okay I have a whole rant here about how privileged people talk about the costs of adopting while poor people foster kids and adopt them through the foster care system and how that dichotomy is super screwed up but I won't rant here oh whoops too late]. Sometimes I think that part of the reason I don't want to adopt is because I'm scared of what it would do to my body, but you know what? So flipping what? Why is it wrong to be scared of having a parasitic lifeform change the shape of the skin sack I live in permanently? It shouldn't be wrong to be afraid of that. It just shouldn't.
When I think about foster to adopting, though, I also get scared about getting sucked into my child's life. On the one hand, Sam and I are starting to get to that age where a bunch of our friends have children (Sam is 3 years older than I am and she started college 2 days after her 17th birthday so she's got a bunch of older friends) and I'm seeing some of them retain a lot of their personality/hobbies. One of our friends is a singer and voice teacher and knitter, and her daughter is just over a year old, and she still goes out to parties and sings professionally and teaches voice and knits, and her husband works full-time. Sometimes these things work out.
But I know I'm too selfish for that right now. I think, like, maybe one day I'll wake up and I'll be like "okay. I'm ready to have no life, at least for several years." But that day is not today. Another thing that's awesome about the foster care system is that since most of the kids are significantly older, I could adopt a 10-year-old who really wants and needs a home, and that means that I would be able to be SUPER MATURE before child rearing and stuff.
Anyway, I'm all over talking about this more if you want, but my point is, I super feel you and I don't think you're selfish. Go easy on yourself. :)
Grrrrrrl, we should talk
When I think about foster to adopting, though, I also get scared about getting sucked into my child's life. On the one hand, Sam and I are starting to get to that age where a bunch of our friends have children (Sam is 3 years older than I am and she started college 2 days after her 17th birthday so she's got a bunch of older friends) and I'm seeing some of them retain a lot of their personality/hobbies. One of our friends is a singer and voice teacher and knitter, and her daughter is just over a year old, and she still goes out to parties and sings professionally and teaches voice and knits, and her husband works full-time. Sometimes these things work out.
But I know I'm too selfish for that right now. I think, like, maybe one day I'll wake up and I'll be like "okay. I'm ready to have no life, at least for several years." But that day is not today. Another thing that's awesome about the foster care system is that since most of the kids are significantly older, I could adopt a 10-year-old who really wants and needs a home, and that means that I would be able to be SUPER MATURE before child rearing and stuff.
Anyway, I'm all over talking about this more if you want, but my point is, I super feel you and I don't think you're selfish. Go easy on yourself. :)
-Ally