breakinglight11 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
breakinglight11) wrote2015-07-15 09:30 pm
breakinglight11) wrote2015-07-15 09:30 pm
Entry tags:
Still falling into the pit sometimes
I had a rough time emotionally this past weekend. I went into one of the most intense depressions I've had in a very long time. The initial bad feeling was triggered by something specific, but spiraled from there mostly due to getitng myself stuck in a particular negative mindset. This is typical of me-- while I have diagnosed depression, it starts due to something situational, and then the brain chemical shift and I end up dwelling there.
I dug myself out of it by the end of Sunday. I'm very good at doing the things I need to do in order to keep myself on track, if not necessarily feeling good. I got out of the house and did something different. I bought myself a couple of dresses off the sale rack at Forever 21, because what's the point of working this hard on staying thin if you can't make cheap fashion look good? I went for a run and used my anger at the world to push myself as hard as I could, and I ran a mile in five minutes and forty-five seconds, the fastest time I've ever hit. I saw Magic Mike XXL, and through the combination of enjoying the hot stripper boys and humorously livetweeting the experience, managed to shake myself out of things.
I probably shouldn't have spent the money, and it annoys me that it took doing things that required spending money to make myself feel better. I'm annoyed that I still get that depressed, particularly when triggered by small things that spiral. I'm glad I am capable of finding ways to dig myself out of the pit, but I hate that sometimes I do all the stuff I'm supposed to do to take care of yourself and I end up in the pit anyway.
Bernie has started doing research on my behalf, and he's discovered some things that are worrying to both of us. I probably should look into dealing with this stuff in a more permanent way. But given the nature of my issues, and the things I've already tried to no success, I'm not sure exactly what might help.
I dug myself out of it by the end of Sunday. I'm very good at doing the things I need to do in order to keep myself on track, if not necessarily feeling good. I got out of the house and did something different. I bought myself a couple of dresses off the sale rack at Forever 21, because what's the point of working this hard on staying thin if you can't make cheap fashion look good? I went for a run and used my anger at the world to push myself as hard as I could, and I ran a mile in five minutes and forty-five seconds, the fastest time I've ever hit. I saw Magic Mike XXL, and through the combination of enjoying the hot stripper boys and humorously livetweeting the experience, managed to shake myself out of things.
I probably shouldn't have spent the money, and it annoys me that it took doing things that required spending money to make myself feel better. I'm annoyed that I still get that depressed, particularly when triggered by small things that spiral. I'm glad I am capable of finding ways to dig myself out of the pit, but I hate that sometimes I do all the stuff I'm supposed to do to take care of yourself and I end up in the pit anyway.
Bernie has started doing research on my behalf, and he's discovered some things that are worrying to both of us. I probably should look into dealing with this stuff in a more permanent way. But given the nature of my issues, and the things I've already tried to no success, I'm not sure exactly what might help.