breakinglight11

I keep trying to write about something else, but there really isn't anything on my mind but how consistently down I've felt lately. I feel like an ass whining about it, given the terrible things going on in the world right now and the people who have much bigger problems than me-- I've been doing my best to listen rather than speak about that --but it's just overcoming me lately. It's been worse, I guess, but it's been so consistent. In the past several weeks I've had a number of breakdowns, but mostly I just feel so listless and generally unhappy. I'm not enjoying much of anything. Normally I am a very energetic, productive person, but right I can't seem to get anything done. Not chores, not the work that matters to me. Everything feels pointless, like it doesn't come to anything, so why even bother? I feel like I spend a lot of time and effort doing things I don't really care about, and when I kill myself getting the things I do care about done, they don't really come to anything, and I don't enjoy them as much as I hope I would.

I don't know what to do about it. Bernie thinks I should try to see somebody, but honestly I don't think it would make much difference. My experiences attempting that previously were... inoffensive, I supposed, but didn't really make a difference. On top of that, I have state insurance, which nobody takes, and I can't afford it out of pocket. I already know all the tricks to cope in the meantime, which get me through the day but don't take care of the problem. So there isn't really answer.

I guess I'm just whining. This is how it goes. But I'm so exhausted with feeling exhausted, and sad about feeling so sad.

The fog