breakinglight11 | 31 Plays in 31 Days, #14

The results of my (otherwise mostly pointless) labors— an early scene imagining the next-generation Frasier spinoff I was musing about, at ridiculous length, in my entry yesterday. This would be the first scene between the two main characters, cousins Freddy and David Crane, almost twenty years after the end of the previous series.

The challenge of such a show would be twofold. One, to evoke the tone and style of the comedy of Frasier without copying it exactly. And two, to update and modulate for both modern comedic tastes, as well as for significantly younger characters. Even if Freddy is in many ways my Frasier stand-in, he’s thirty-three in the near future, not the eighties like Frasier was, not to mention the fact that Frasier was over forty for most of his show.

I’m tentatively assuming the multi camera setup like Frasier had, and I’d want to use the title cards between scenes. But I’d also want to include allusions to familiar elements of the show non-literally. Like, for example, there could be a physical point of contention between Freddy and David similar to how Frasier hated Martin’s old chair in his apartment, or a similar animal companion issue the way Martin’s dog Eddie was. Maybe something with a call-in element? I don’t know. It could also be fun to have an unseen character that people talk about, like Maris on Frasier or Vera before her on Cheers.

As a side note, I’d probably have to take into account the time skip with the setting. I would probably look to how Parks and Recreation handled it for inspiration, as they incorporated it pretty well. The future-stuff also might be another source for humor.

And NBC, if you’re paying attention: PLEASE BUY THIS FROM ME TO LEGITIMIZE THIS OTHERWISE RIDICULOUS USE OF MY TIME.

Day #14 - “The Cousins Crane”
By Phoebe Roberts

Boston, MA, 2022
~~~

TITLE CARD: The Bad Cousin

INT. ADJUNCT OFFICE - DAY

Freddy shows David over to his desk.

FREDDY
Come on in and make yourself—

David drops into Freddy’s desk chair and throws his leg over the arm.

FREDDY
—comfortable. You know, you’re lucky we’re cousins. Or else I couldn’t let a Yale man through the door!

David stares. Freddy awkward takes the seat across the desk from him.

FREDDY
So…what brings you to Boston?

DAVID
Oh, you know, the usual. The symphony orchestra, the world-class theater district, the thriving local art scene.

FREDDY
Oh, really! Well, if you could use some recommendations, there’s an excellent Meiji-era pottery exhibit at the MFA…

David stares again.

FREDDY
Aaaaaand that was sarcasm. Of course.

Freddy waits awkwardly for a moment. David sighs and relents.

DAVID
Yale University and I are taking a break from our relationship.

FREDDY
Oh, no, what happened?

DAVID
It was pledge week, what do you want? Pledges had to pull a prank, and most guys were planning on small potatoes stuff, dressing statues up in drag or whatever. So to get myself noticed, I greased up three pigs and set them loose in the administrative offices. They were still trying to find them two weeks later!

FREDDY
Two solid weeks? To find three pigs?

DAVID
I painted numbers on them. One, two, and four. Ha!

FREDDY
Mother of God. Well, that’s bad, but Uncle Niles is a pretty important alumnus. He should be able to smooth over a first offense.

DAVID
Which is exactly what he did. The first time. By offense number four, they just sent back his check. At least, we think they did. There were only ashes in the envelope.

Freddy winches as David starts tossing and catching a little sculpture from the desk.

FREDDY
Have you told your folks yet?

DAVID
The school did me a favor on that one. They did so I didn’t have to.

FREDDY
How did your dad react?

DAVID
Oh, you know him. Out on the balcony in a rainstorm, screaming to the heavens. All, “I have no son, I have no son!”

Freddy nods, as that sounds about right.

DAVID
So, yeah. Pretty sure I’m out of the will.

FREDDY
What are you going to do now?

DAVID
Still figuring that out. Thought I’d take a little time.

FREDDY
I guess it is a big decision. Soooo… what’s your plan in the meantime?

DAVID
Well… I was thinking I could crash with you for a while.

Freddy’s smile freezes.

FREDDY
Excuse me?

DAVID
You’re the only person I know in New England! Unless you can get me in touch with Sam Malone.

FREDDY
Uh, I might have his number somewhere.

DAVID
Come on, Freddy! I’m in a bind here!

Freddy reaches for the sculpture in David’s hand.

FREDDY
You could always go home to Seattle.

DAVID
What part of “disinherited” did I not make clear? If I go back, I’m in for a nonstop thrill ride of tears, psych analysis, and cursing in Italian.

FREDDY
I don’t know, David, my place is kind of small—

DAVID
Put yourself in my shoes! After this colossal a screwup, would you want to go back home and crash with the people you most disappointed? What would that be like?

Stunned, Freddy stands and goes to stare out the window.

FREDDY
Oh, God… Mom trying to apply classical conditioning… Dad alternating between self-flagellation and diagnosing me with every disorder in the book… and the lecturing... good God, the endless, blustering, longwinded lecturing…

He spins back around to David, wild-eyed.

FREDDY
Okay, okay! God help us, you can stay!

DAVID
Awesome.

He tosses Freddy the sculpture. He fumbles to catch it and it smashes on the ground.

31 Plays in 31 Days, #14 - "The Cousins Crane"

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