Ambient anxiety
Jan. 24th, 2018 09:40 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
breakinglight11Been weirdly and inappropriately anxious lately. I'm ninety percent sure it's leftovers in the coming-down process from being on so intensely to make the Mrs. Hawking shows happen, but it's been hard to manage. I've been trying to relax, taking advantage of having more free time in which to chill, but it seems to have resulted in me becoming spacier and making dumb mistakes. I screwed up two fairly significant appointments in the past week, which does nothing to reduce my anxiety levels. Not only do I feel worse for making them, it reinforces the notion hovering in my brain that unless I practice constant nervous vigilance, I will not stay on top of my life. I've been in a small self-recrimination loop over it, which again— NOT HELPING ME CHILL.
It will pass, I'm sure. I need to quit beating myself up, to start. And to give it a little more time. I got my house more or less in order, which happened surprisingly fast this time, and does a lot to make me more comfortable in my space. I've got some time before class gets intense again, so at least I won't be bombarded with responsibility again for a little while.
As a side note, I really, really don't like when people post generically encouraging or inspirational memes and things that say, like, "You are enough," or "You're doing a good job." Do those actually make anybody feel better? I always get stuck on "YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHO IS LOOKING AT THESE OR WHAT THEIR LIFE IS LIKE." Maybe they're not doing a good job! Maybe they're failing! Maybe they're a racist or an asshole! And for myself— even though I know I do a lot and am basically doing okay —never feel like they're speaking to me because "you meet the baseline level of human acceptableness" is NEVER a comfort to me. When I'm working hard to excel, being told, "What you're doing is FINE," is not helpful, but I'm not shooting for fine. I'm shooting for excellent.
Whatever. That's dumb and doesn't matter. No criticism intended for people who do find those things a comfort. But due to feeling a little directionless anxiety, I am twitchier than I usually am.
It will pass, I'm sure. I need to quit beating myself up, to start. And to give it a little more time. I got my house more or less in order, which happened surprisingly fast this time, and does a lot to make me more comfortable in my space. I've got some time before class gets intense again, so at least I won't be bombarded with responsibility again for a little while.
As a side note, I really, really don't like when people post generically encouraging or inspirational memes and things that say, like, "You are enough," or "You're doing a good job." Do those actually make anybody feel better? I always get stuck on "YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHO IS LOOKING AT THESE OR WHAT THEIR LIFE IS LIKE." Maybe they're not doing a good job! Maybe they're failing! Maybe they're a racist or an asshole! And for myself— even though I know I do a lot and am basically doing okay —never feel like they're speaking to me because "you meet the baseline level of human acceptableness" is NEVER a comfort to me. When I'm working hard to excel, being told, "What you're doing is FINE," is not helpful, but I'm not shooting for fine. I'm shooting for excellent.
Whatever. That's dumb and doesn't matter. No criticism intended for people who do find those things a comfort. But due to feeling a little directionless anxiety, I am twitchier than I usually am.
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