breakinglight11 | Entries tagged with money

Because the algorithms are getting way too smart, I am getting bombarded with ads for that Materialists movie. I confess I’ve become a little bit obsessed with the trailer, and not just for the most predictable, Chris Evans-related reasons. BECAUSE IT’S SO STRANGE TO ME.

I find the title much weirder than I probably should, because I was raised on C.S. Lewis and his usage of “a materialist” comes to my mind before the “Material Girl” sort of way. But that cover of the Madonna song they use is a bop.

As befits the Madonna reference, the premise seems to have time-traveled in from twenty or thirty years ago, complete with characters who still smoke. A woman torn between a slick rich guy and a sweet poor guy? With the implication that she actually has stronger feelings for the poor guy? That is just about as stale a premise as I can think of. How could they possibly do anything fresh with that? If she chooses the nice poor guy, it’s a total cliche. But what would they be saying if they go for the hot rich guy? “Yeah, sure is great when you fall for people who are hot AND rich! Love when life is easy like that!” Powerful stuff, there.

Also, they seem to be implying that Dakota is doing okay for herself. They show her doing well as a matchmaker to high-powered people, so… can't she just hook up with hot poor guy, and take care of herself? Why does she need a man to do it? Is her life going to be soooooo much worse if she’s at her normal level of success un-bolstered by her boyfriend, rather than the rich dude’s ridiculous level?

Now, I get that love isn’t just falling for somebody, but living in that love every day. I believe in a certain level of practicality, and I CERTAINLY could not live with a useless man who didn’t contribute. But like, being a waiter is a hard job, so it’s not like he’s lazy or doesn’t want to work. Is she really afraid he’s going to become a burden on her? Feels kinda classist. “Doesn’t make a lot of money” is absolutely not the same as “does not meaningfully participate in the upkeep of our life together.” But apparently his being a waiter is enough to make her not want to consider him as a life partner?

Of course, this is a woman who hooks up with a new love and immediately afterward asks him how much his apartment costs. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? WHO RAISED YOU? Pedro, do not marry this tacky chick! You deserve better!

I may just be biased in Chris’s favor. Pedro is a great actor and a total sweetheart, but he doesn’t do it for me for whatever reason. And I have always been way stupider over good looks than I am over money, so… definite possibility.

Chris looks very good, because of course he does. They’re trying to imply there’s a little wear on him, possibly to suggest he doesn’t have his life together at a point by which he should. He’s using his growly voice, which is a nice touch. Apparently he’s been pining away for Dakota, even though men who look like that have no trouble finding great women to date regardless of their professional status. It’s an appealing fantasy, to think of him as some devoted romantic. I confess, “When I look at you, I see wrinkles and children,” got me a little, thanks to my personal baggage regarding men getting sick of you when you get old and gain weight.

And I’ll say the bit where she tells Pedro that she wants a Coke and beer and it appears immediately, briefly implying he’s just that powerful, but actually because her ex Chris saw her and knows that’s order, is very clever.

Still can’t fathom how they plan to actually do something with this premise. Feels like any way you take it is… flat and ridiculous. Does anybody go to a movie like this hoping for innovation? But in 2025, do you really you go with the most done, trite, obvious thing in the history of narrative? Why does Chris keep doing dumb movies like this? Doesn’t he have enough money? Why is Pedro doing this, for that matter, whose career’s been gangbusters lately?

I almost want to go just to see whether it’s fish, fowl, or otherwise. Hey, maybe she’ll end up picking neither! Or maybe go with the best of both worlds, and end up in a polyamorous relationship with Chris’s dick and Pedro’s money. I could get behind either of those.

Got overcharged on my airport taxi because the driver took a wrong turn. My early morning flight, which I got here at four to make, was pushed back so far I’m not going to make my connection. I’ve been trying to call the airline and the trip booking website for help, but they’ve shuttled me back and forth between them a grand total of eight times this morning, with no assistance in sight.

And as if that wasn’t enough, I got pulled out of the security line by a TSA agent. That always fucking happens to me for some reason, but this time apparently the knee brace and tights I was wearing under my jeans meant she had to touch my breasts and butt.

I haven’t seen Bernie in a year and a half and I really do not have the money to do all this over again. Why wouldn't they just change my goddamn flight?

Eventually just bagged it on trying to get anything fixed about the old itinerary and went for a new one, on a larger airline. Still fighting to get the old one officially cancelled and refunded— there’s a weird miscommunication between the airline and the booking company —but according to policy I should be able to make that happen once the information sharing actually occurs.

I don’t get in until much, much later, and both connecting flights are a little longer. And even if I do manage to get the old trip refunded, rebooking put me already outside my budget for the trip. 😣 But at least I’ll get there without having to pay for a cab home and back again.

So I’m on track again, I guess. Had to go to a different terminal, so had to go through the security line again. Got pulled out like I always goddamn do— WHY? WHAT HAVE I DONE? —but at least it was the customary cursory pat-pat-pat instead of somebody pulling the waistband of my pants away from my body.

Now I just need to kill five hours before I can actually get on my way. Exhaustion is making everything worse, so I wish there were some place I could safely take a nap without creeping people out or my stuff being stolen.

I think somewhere, when I muttered about how I wasn’t enthused about having to go to Bernie’s family reunion, a monkey’s paw must have curled closed.

One step back.

It's looking like I will be returning to tutoring for the semester at Bunker Hill Community College. It's not a bad gig by any means, particularly for a writer and teacher— I'm decently good at it, plus in the downtime I can work on writing projects — and I'm incredibly grateful to Bill, the awesome person who I work for there, for being willing to help me when I need the extra work.

But it feel a little like a step backwards professionally to be returning to it. I left it initially in May 2017 because I got hired to write at Evil Overlord Games, which was a dream job, but sadly that endeavor didn't make enough money to last. I'm still in mourning over not being able to do that anymore, my favorite gig I've ever had. After that, I had two semesters where I was teaching enough college classes to not need to tutor. But as I've mentioned, I lost my North Shore classes due to low enrollment, and I don't make enough without that to just stick with my Lesley teaching.

So it's not an ideal situation. Again, I'm grateful Bill is willing to hire me back, as I need the cash. But the schedule is a little inconvenient— looks like I'll have one evening I can't schedule rehearsal as I'll be working —on top of feeling like I thought I'd secured enough teaching positions to have moved on. Ah, well. We do what we have to do. And I have other projects I'm focusing on that I'm hoping will go somewhere, so whatever pays the bills in the meantime.

Just want to quickly put down where I am at this transition into fall 2018, so I have a record and people will know.

Because I wanted to focus on making the Hawking proof of concept film— easily the most challenging project I've ever helmed — and because I've been going so hard pretty constantly for a year and a half, I decided to keep the summer otherwise low-commitment. I did some private tutoring for cash but otherwise kept myself free. It was not great for me financially, but I think my mental health and possibly even my physical health needed that three-month break.

Now I am transitioning back into my usual life. The new school semester has started, and I finally have the four-class schedule that I'd been working to get— two at Lesley like usual, and two at North Shore Community College, a place I used to teach at a few years ago and contacted me out of the blue at the last moment. It was a scramble to get syllabi together at the last minute, but it's reassuring to know where the four classes will put me financially, especially since Evil Overlord is dormant right now. I miss that job so much I can't say, and I'd love to go back if it ever continues, but for now I'm glad to have the classes to rely on.

Tentatively I am continuing with my tutoring job. I like the woman who runs the company and I don't want to leave her in the lurch if possible. But I really don't like private tutoring, and she has canceled a lot on me at the last minute, which meant I couldn't necessarily count on the work. So if the scheduling commitments I make continue to not be honored, I think I will discontinue my work there if I need to.

The film is in the process of being rough cut, which I'm enjoying. I prefer the shooting process objectively, but it's certainly easier to organize than a fifteen-person film crew on location, so it's lower stress. We've got it a little over half roughly assembled.

I also finished the draft of Mrs. Frost, got amazing feedback from smart lovely friends who read it, and have begun the edit. I find this part of the development to be harder than drafting, as I am always a little held back from getting going by the fear that I won't know how to implement the changes I need to make. But I got some very actionable suggestions at the reading, so I need to be brave and dive in. We have to get into rehearsals in October, so I need to have a solid drafter sooner rather than later.

So that's the big stuff for me! Work, writing, film, theater. And about to be swallowed up by executing it all shortly!

I have reluctantly taken on a few more hours of tutoring this semester. I can really use the extra cash, for several reasons, not least of which because it's looking like I'll need to have some expensive dental surgery in the near future. Despite being told as recently as a couple years ago that they were fine, apparently my wisdom teeth are going to have to come out after all. I'm really unhappy about that, first because I do not relish the time spent out of commission due to how long it takes me to shake anesthetic. I might even need somebody to babysit me as I come out of it, as my history suggests it hits me very hard. The last time I had it when I was nineteen and had to be put under for a minor eye surgery, I was ridiculous and combative when I first woke up, then slept for like twelve solid hours, and then for the next day I was foggy, stupid, and not of totally sound judgment. Ugh. So at least for the beginning it's probably not the safest thing for me to be alone, but I hate to waste somebody's time with that.

And then there's the cost. It's looking to be extremely expensive, and my stupid insurance doesn't take much of a dent out of it. Overall, even before the extra hours I'm supposed to be making more this semester than last, but because of the schedule I'm getting paid on I haven't seen it yet, so this is a way of dealing with things more immediately. I'm not delighted to make my already full schedule even fuller, but I'm grateful that my work is flexible enough that I can do this at a time I need to. A lot of that is down to Bill, my awesome boss, so I'm particularly grateful for him.

I found out yesterday that one of my favorite contestants on RuPaul's Drag Race, Katya Zamolodchikova, is going to be in town as part of Miss Fame's, another RPDR queen, Painted by Fame tour, where she gives makeup technique demonstrations in a seminar setting. I really like Miss Fame's work, which I actually discovered on Youtube before I ever started watching the show. Miss Fame alone probably wouldn't have won me over, but the chance to learn from her skills and meet Katya was enough to get me to spend the money.

I think it will be interesting and fun. I've been trying to develop my ability with makeup, so I could learn a lot of what I'm trying for. Plus I'd love to meet Katya, who is such a creative, talented, interesting person! But the ticket was very expensive for me, much, much more than I've paid to attend anything in many years, and I'm starting to feel guilty about it. I bought it basically on impulse, and I do really want to attend it, but I'm afraid it wasn't a great idea.

Financially I'm doing better these days, thanks to getting more classes at a higher step rate due to my experience. But I worry it's allowed my usual careful budgeting to slip too much. I should be saving for the Mrs. Hawking plays, which will require some new properties due to putting on part three for the first time. If nothing else, saving money is a good idea for me always, because though I'm making more, I'm still not making much.

But I also have been thinking more about how I need to be doing things that I enjoy, if nothing else than to get myself in a less depression-inclined frame of mind. They say spending on experiences is way more satisfying in the long run than just buying stuff, even though stuff superficially "lasts" longer. I mean, the money is spent, the deed is done, I have to get over it one way or another. Maybe I shouldn't do it again in the future, but I should at this point just be thinking of it as an investment in feeling good.

Last week I wrote about how I was wondering if my third class at Lesley, the Business Writing course through the Bunker Hill extension, was going to be cancelled due to low enrollment. Well, I inquired after the eventualities, and it turns out that the minimum is actually seven, but it can still run with six-- as long as I'm willing to do it for six-sevenths of the salary. I did the math, and I'll still be making significantly more than I was last semester, so it's still worth it. But I'm hoping it'll get one extra student, because it would suck not to get the full fee.

At least it means I've definitely got three classes for the fall. That means I can go down to one day a week of tutoring. That would be so much less driving, though I've got to finalize the syllabus now. I've been applying to other adjunct positions at other colleges in the area, but I guess I don't need to anymore. I haven't heard back from any of them, but if even if I do, I don't know if I'd be able to teach four classes with all the accompanying grading, especially since we'll be going back into rehearsals for the next two Hawking shows in the fall. Might be worth going to the interviews, just to make relationships in case I ever need to reach out again, but it's good to know I won't be dependent on maybe somebody getting back to me.

This past week I tried using the Peapod grocery delivery service for the first time. I’ve been aware of it for a while now, but never really felt like it was economical to use. There’s a delivery fee attached, of course, and it always seemed too much of an extravagance to justify on my budget. But recently I got a coupon in the mail inviting me to try it at a discount. I have been so slammed for time these days, plus the fact that the discount cut out the delivery fee, that it was too tempting to pass up. So I made an account and sat down to give online grocery shopping a try.

With the cost issue temporarily out of the way, I was concerned that I wouldn’t be able to find everything I usually buy. Especially given my diet, I need some pretty specific items, like unsweetened vanilla almond milk and Greek yogurt and they didn’t have a number of my preferred brands. Like, the only sugar-free Greek yogurt they had was plain, which I don’t like as much. I usually shop at Hannaford, and the Peapod service comes from Stop and Shop. I would also say that thing were generally a little bit more expensive per item than they are at Hannaford, which made me feel kind of guilty. But again, with the discount I think this time it evened out.

I was seriously, ridiculously excited for its arrival, like it was some special present, rather than just… my normal groceries. But receiving it made me very happy. I love food and cooking, so stocking up my cabinets to make things gave me a good feeling. They text you when the driver is there, which I loved. I unpacked it like Christmas morning, and I was very pleased with it all. The steaks, for example, were probably not the size I would have selected for myself, but they were very good quality, and the produce like the apples and broccoli were absolutely gorgeous.

Another advantage was that up until a certain cutoff time, they allow you to amend your order. I am notorious for forgetting stuff that I need but aren’t part of my usual buying habits, and this permitted me to just add them in later when I remembered them, or knock off an item if I realized I didn’t need it after all. That’s extremely convenient. I also used this as an opportunity to refresh some of my pantry staples. I’ve been baking more lately, so I made sure I had enough new, fresh flour and sugar to experiment a little.

As much as I liked it, I don’t know if I can make a habit of using it. I feel weirdly guilty paying to have my groceries delivered to me. It feels kind of spoiled, kind of wasteful. I do have a little more cash these days due to my improved employment situation, but I also have fairly serious financial responsibilities in putting on the two Mrs. Hawking plays. But my time has always been my most valued resource, and I am so, so busy lately. Maybe I won’t rely on it every week, but I can hold it in my back pocket as an option when I really don’t have the time to actually go to the grocery store.

Well, Festival of the Larps is now over, so that's one more thing off my plate. Still, lately I've been running from one thing to the next in the last couple of weeks, and I'm starting to get burnt. Mrs. Hawking has less than two weeks to go before we go up, and while things are coming along very well, there's still a lot of work and time left to be put in. On top of that and my day job, I've been working some part-time jobs to make a little extra cash. I'm costuming a production of Urinetown for Dana Hall, and I picked up a few modeling gigs. I'm getting increasingly tired of modeling-- too many people treating you like a piece of furniture --but the money's good, and for the first time in a while, my finances are mostly back in order. We'll see how long that lasts! But it has the downside of meaning I'm pretty tightly scheduled, with lots of traveling in between things. That's the quickest way to wear me down, and I'm starting to feel it.

My focus right now is finishing Mrs. Hawking, and getting the word out about it as much as possible. Feel no obligation to attend again if you have already, but if you're interested or if you haven't seen it, it's totally free in Waltham, Saturday May 9th at 2pm and 6pm at the Center for Digital Arts on Moody Street. It's probably not good for me to focus on anything past that right now. But I find myself wanting to shift gears a little once I finish that.

I want to get back to writing, and to specifically pushing my writing. I want to work on Base Instruments and the sequels to Adonis. I find myself so inspired on them lately-- almost certainly a case of productive procrastination, but still --that I want to be able to devote real time to them. I also want to work on pitches. I think there may be some opportunities to get these things out there, and to do that, I need to work on what I would say to sell them to interested parties. That is starting to feel increasingly important.

This weekend will be quiet for me, which will be good. I have no particular plans, and I'm fairly certain I will have the house to myself, so I think I will spend it at home getting things done. I really need to clean the place, get a little light exercise, and finish the larp I'm running at Festival this year.

Rehearsals for Mrs. Hawking began this week, and things went smoothly. Turns out it simplifies things when you already have the blocking worked out. Because of the holiday I have the whole weekend free, which is good for me, but we'll be getting into our regular about-four-days-a-week schedule on Monday. For me, I'm doing okay. I feel good working on a project I believe in and have high hopes for. I do well being productive, active, and forward-looking. The fact that a lot of this stuff necessary for production has been figured out previously makes thing smoother and easier.

The only thing I'm struggling with really is money. My finances have been a minor mess for a while now, and the costs of the last show didn't help. I'm expecting, because of not needing to buy nearly so much, that this next one won't be close to as expensive, but there's still no return on any of this. And there's already been a few expenses that weren't an issue last time around, like having to pay for rehearsal space. This is something I'm going to have to figure out, as it's starting to get serious. Not sure how to handle it yet. But I'm probably going to have to add in some other sideline just to bring a little more cash in.

Very excited for Intercon this weekend, but due to the various committments in my life, I'm unfortunately going to be a bit stressed about the time I'm not getting things done. Over-committed is of course my typical state, but I've taken on certain things recently out of necessity even though I didn't particularly want to. I'm costuming a production of Tartuffe that opens the weekend after this one, which is a nice experience and normally I'm very happy to do this sort of job, but I'm busy enough that I probably wouldn't have gone for it if I didn't really badly need the money. It's not super-convenient for that to be away all weekend for Intercon, but I'm just going to have to deal. :-P Also, for the first time ever, I have elected to not get a hotel room, in the interest of economizing. I hope this isn't a huge pain, but I really can't swing it this year.

It turns out that due to a crisis his family is dealing with, Bernie isn't available to come up this weekend to help me run Brockhurst.

bronzite is kindly stepping in to take his place, for which I am very grateful. It is mostly unedited from the original version. This will be only the second run ever of Brockhurst, and I've always believed you need at least two goes-through to decide if your design is functional. One player may have an unusual experience, making a given design choice succeed or fail, but if it happens to two or more, than you can make a pretty accurate assessment. The first run in particular seemed plagued by outside problems that I think were a factor in how people experienced the game, and I'd love to see how things go in the absense of that. At the very least, two data points should provide a better metric of what's working and what needs addressing when I seriously edit.

As you may know, Frances Kimpel is putting up a production of her unique original show, Annabel Lost, this spring with our local theater troupe The Chameleon's Dish. The play is a special mix of dramatic narrative, dance, music, and poetry, centering around two orphaned refugees in a magic world of Frances's own creation.

They've set up a Kickstarter for the project this month, with a fairly modest goal of $900. They are very close to hitting this goal, and could use a few more backers to put them over the edge. If you haven't already, it wouldn't take much for you to kick in a few bucks to help them out. It would be in support of a very unique piece of theater that gives representation and exploration to themes of colonialism, identity, and gender-variance.

Frances is an artist I've always respected and loved to work with, so it would be really cool of you to help bring this project from her unique perspective to life. :-) You can find the Kickstarter here.

I’ve been meaning to write up a status report on how I’m doing lately, partly to get myself to assess it, and partly in case any of you might be interested.

Mental:

I have been very busy with creative projects lately, which is good for my mental state. Vivat Regina is in rehearsal for a staged reading, which is going well so far and I’m very excited about, as I’m hoping it will spark interest in the property. Currently my biggest writing focuses are working on Puzzle House Blues, the musical I’m co-writing, and editing Adonis in response to the feedback I got from the BlueCat Screenplay Competition. I feel energized and excited about those two things. PHB has a real chance, I believe, of going somewhere in production, and Adonis was both one of the most challenging and creatively satisfying projects I’ve written in a while. I also made great starts on some other things in 31 Plays in 31 Days, including Base Instruments, which will be the third installment of the ongoing Mrs. Hawking story.

I’m a little hungry for a little more payoff for my work, though. I want to start reaching a larger audience, getting my work out there. My efforts are geared toward that—the staged reading, the musical, the contest submissions, and the fact that I put in a bid to get permission to put on a full production of Mrs. Hawking at Arisia. Nothing had quite come together yet, but these things take constant effort, and I’m doing my best. Still, I’m hungry for more.

Emotional:

It’s been three and a half months since my mother died, and the loss of her has gaped. I think about her almost constantly; I still go to call her most days, and her lack of presence is felt in dozens of ways. I talk about her a lot too. But my family has been handling everything so well that while it’s painful, it’s manageable, and I think we’re all going to be okay.

Bernie also is out of town for a while, I’m not sure for how long. Our relationship is very strong and I feel confident enough in it that I’m not worried it will suffer for the distance, but I sure do miss him being around. He just brings so much joy into my life, and while most of that is maintained just by talking to him, his presence meant a lot to me.

To deal with it, and to prevent myself from hermitting as is my wont, I’m making an effort to plan at least one social event a week. Lately I’ve been averaging at least two, which makes me proud of myself. And I’ve been seeing lots my lovely friends.

Overall I still feel pretty good, which is a nice change. My ability to stay even and positive is better than it has been in years. What a difference it makes to deal with difficult things when the depression is well and truly gone.

Physical:

I’m in great shape right now, possibly the best of my life. Not only do I look pretty good, I’ve been up to physical challenges I wouldn’t have expected myself to be, such as when I’ve helped friends to move this month. I have been exercising very frequently, including fairly intense circuit workouts. Now that it’s September again, my ballet class, which I love, has started back up, and my work schedule will allow me to attend all three offered in the week if I want. It also gives me more time to walk places, and I can get in a nice brisk three miles at least if I go to do errands in town.

The only thing physically that’s not so great is that my acne is extremely bad lately. I know I have a predisposition to have it chronically, my mother had it pretty severely too, but I really wish there was something I could do and I’m not sure what. Admittedly I’ve never stuck with a skincare regimen for very long, and I should try that and see if it helps, but I’m afraid it’s just my genes and nothing’s going to help.

Responsibilities:

I like my day job, which is tutoring writing at Bunker Hill Community College, which is easily the best and best-paying day job I’ve ever had. There’s even a chance it might develop into more serious work. But, and here’s where I’m struggling a bit, my finances have gotten away from me in the last few months and I’m trying to get back on top of them. I’m trying to cut back where I can, so I’ve been turning down most events that require spending money or driving long distances. My expenses aren’t huge, but the workouts that I do most reliably and get the most benefit and enjoyment from all cost money, and they’re the pricey thing I’m most unwilling to dispense with.

I've been very on top of other chores recently, helped in part by starting HabitRPG. The house is clean, stuff is happening on time, and I don't feel overwhelmed. More regiment, woo! I do however need to nail down one more roommate. Basically I’m looking for a young professional/college/grad student (preferably female if I don’t know them already) preferably as quickly as possible. Let me know if you know anybody!

Basically I'm doing pretty well. Yay! Given some of the rougher stuff, such as my mom and Bernie moving away, I'm really grateful to be feeling as good as I do.

Woooooo, day off from having to be productive!

I haven't written much on this journal about anything besides writing lately. Probably because I haven't DONE much besides writing lately. I had to meet the contest deadline for Adonis, which meant devoting a lot of time to it. Also, I've been pretty strapped for cash, and so been trying to hold off going out or driving my car places. Ever since my work schedule changed and I was doing the same number of hours over a period of four days rather than three, I've had to drive into the city at rush hour one additional time per week. Means I've been spending a fair bit more on gas. I hope people find my writing musing interesting. But I should probably occasionally mention other stuff too.

When I said no new commitment for a while, I'd forgotten that I had at least one more to polish off before I'm really free. I'm doing costuming for a production of Chicago done at Dana Hall, a girl's prep high school in Wellesley, and it goes into tech week next week. It's a nice gig, and I can use the extra money, but it means I have deadlines and places to be for one week more. I did a bunch of alterations in the last few days, and made a ton of fringed skirts today. I've also got a couple of modeling engagements coming up, which are nice because they pay a very decent hourly rate, but are more time sinks. I'm working hard to fit everything in around each other.

What I really want to do is work on my new screenplay idea. Maybe it's the enthusiasm of productive procrastination, of which I am a master, or maybe it's because the ideas are flowing for it so easily and so well, but I feel so jazzed about it. Even better, I told Bernie my ideas last night, and he had such great responses and gave me so many exciting suggestions. I'm so lucky that I have someone like him who is always interested in my work and capable of making such helpful contributions. He has a great skill for the structuring of plot, so he's always able to fill out where mine are lacking. I think this really could be an amazing story. Here's hoping my enthusiasm holds into the next week, when I'll actually have time to write it all out.

I resolved when I broke up with Jared that I would stop hiding how I felt so much, stop pretending things were okay when they weren’t. So I’m going to subject you to the dumb bullshit about how I’m feeling. Feel free to skip if you don’t want to hear. I wouldn't blame you; I'm sick of it myself.

At a very low ebb. Feel so off these, even when I’m mostly doing normal. Seeing how badly Mom is doing just makes me ache. How weak she is, how much help she needs, how much pain she’s in, how she’s sometimes muddled and off both from the painkillers and from the tumors pressing on her brain. It makes me so sad that all the other rough things in my life right now seem beyond my ability to handle.

I’ve come to dislike the term self-care. I know what it’s supposed to mean— making yourself and your wellbeing a priority —but I’ve come to associate it so strongly with people blowing off responsibilities that it raises my hackles a little every time I see it. I would rather feel a little worse than be the kind of person who doesn’t fulfill the commitments that they make to other people. Than for people to feel like they can’t count on me.

But I am overwhelmed. And I don’t know how to ease it. It’s mostly my own fault; in order to feel relevant and like I’m doing something worthwhile with my time when I’m low, I always load myself up with projects. It makes me feel like I’m actually doing something toward making the career I really want. That, and I am so prone to laying down and sinking into nothingness that I need occupations to stave it off. But I have so much difficulty concentrating under this stress that I struggle to get anything done. And so much is due, so much is expected that I’ve committed. And I know I would feel even worse about myself if I didn’t deliver.

How, then, can I take care of myself?

I want to hide, to seek refuge in quiet and solitude, but I can’t. My job, tutoring students in paper writing at Bunker Hill Community College, requires I see and talk with lots of new people every day. While I do fairly good work at it, I find that much human interaction to be extremely exhausting. It’s a good job, though I don’t get many hours, but that part of it stresses me out extremely. It seems like it’s been more so lately. Probably just because I’m so stressed by my mother’s situation, but I’m starting to worry that the wear is cumulative. Which means it would only get worse. But I have to do something, and I’m terrible at finding new jobs when I need them. I guess I have to hope this is only temporary.

I feel like I’m been slow and forgetful lately. Responding to things, remembering the things I have to make sure I get done. And every time a new responsibility hits me, I wonder if it’s going to be what topples me. When one of my roommates told me she’s leaving in a month, the thought of having to find somebody to replace her made me dizzy.

I worry about money. It’s gauche to talk about it, but it’s on the list. Now that the winter finally seems to be breaking it might not be an issue anymore, but the heating bills were absolutely killing me. I’ve been a touch behind for months, even with my careful budgeting. It’s so tiresome to expend so much effort being careful and still not being able to make things stretch. I guess I have one real monetary indulgence—I spend a probably ridiculous amount for my budget on my various workouts. I take two ballet classes a week, plus I attend two group circuit workouts with a trainer at a little gym in Waltham. It adds up pretty fast. But I get so much out of it. I love learning to dance, my body has never looked or felt better, and I think it does so much for my health. If I feel stressed and worn out now, I can only imagine what condition I’d be in without it. If I could just make myself do it myself—practice ballet myself for an hour and a half, go through the circuit routine on my own at the gym —I’d save a ton. But I have a hell of a time making myself do it when I don’t have an appointment with somebody to put me through the paces. I feel like the money’s worth it to me, but I suppose it’s stupid for me to complain about things being tight when I’m making a choice that makes it so.

I suppose I should be grateful. I remember when I was dealing with this sort of thing with the black cloud of Jared hanging over my life. Nothing sucked the hope or energy out of me like he did. Thank God that weight has been lifted; I don’t feel like I’m a breath away from sinking all the time. But I could use a victory. Something nice to happen to me. A success of some kind, a step forward. I know that won’t make up for what’s happening to my mother. But it might help me not to break down and lose hope.

A quick status update.

GHOSTSHOW is finished and I feel very good about what we did. I want to take a short break to recharge a little, then I'll have to get on the stick again and start my next project.

My current major writing endeavor is Brockhurst, the Downton Abbey-inspired WWI-era larp I'm writing. That will be what I focus most of my energy on over the next month. Means I need to set aside a lot of writing time.

I gave up processed sugar for Lent. I had gotten to the point where my body was craving it, which isn't a good sign, so I thought purging it cold turkey would be a good idea. It's actually been easier than I thought. The only real sugar craving I've had, hilariously, flared up when I was listening to Elementary's Sherlock Holmes talk about addiction.

I am a bit strapped for cash right now. A big heating bill and some unexpected car troubles have been a bit more than I can easily handle, so I will have to be careful for a while.

Think that's everything that's notable and important right now.

All this past week I've been cooking up all the stuff I've had in my cabinets, fridge, and freezer that I've had laying around unused. This served both to clear out my cupboards as well as stretch my budget to the end of my break period before I go back to my regular day job next week. That plus my various other obligations right now mean my time and mental resources are going to be tight. And how does Phoebe always deal with problems of this nature? WHY, MORE SCHEDULING!

Bernie and I took this opportunity to actually sit down together and make a meal plan for the coming week. I've been talking for YEARS about getting in the habit of making weekly plans like that, going to the grocery store ONCE at the beginning of the week instead of my typical, oh, four or five times for the one or two meals I'm thinking about right that second. I've even prepared for the couple days of week I'll need to use the slow cooker. It will save time, it will save hassle, and I'm hoping it will save money. I'm not sure I have a great frame of reference for what's an efficient amount for two adult to spend on food for a week-- I am good at keeping to a tight budget, but food is my real indulgence --but looking at the receipt, I think I managed to keep things pretty economical for two big eaters like me and Bernie.

I will be so happy if I manage to turn this into a regular thing. I'll save a lot of money and time, two things in short supply for me at this time in my life. I've wanted to do this for years but never actually managed to make it happen before now. I've hoping that by making it a blocked-off part of my calendar it'll be easy to keep up. I'm sure you can tell by now that I'm a very structured person; routine, scheduling, and habit are extremely helpful to my productivity. It's really hard for me to be really productive without it. So here's hoping it serves me in this effort as well.

I finally remembered to get a hotel room for Intercon N for Bernie and me. This is later than I normally do it, so I was glad there was no problem. But now I need to find two roommates. Bernie and I have a suite, and we are looking for two people to share with for the weekend who will be willing to split the cost four ways with us. Two people who won't mind sharing a bed would probably be ideal, but any two who would be okay figuring out whatever arrangement would be fine. We really would like to find at least two, in order to make the cost manageable. E-mail me and let me know!

Unexpectedly, I got a small royalty check from a show I got produced!

It's from Small Fish Radio Theater, who did an audio drama production for Halloween of The Late Mrs. Chadwick. Not only did they do a great job with the material, they also ended up paying me for the privilege!

This marks the second-ever occasion I've gotten royalties for a play. It's small, of course, and in fact half as big as the first time, but I'm grateful and encouraged. Here's hoping this is a good start!

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All Eyes on Me

"Do you know why heroes boast? Because it makes them brave."

Entries tagged with money

I am obsessed with the Materialists trailer

Worst airport experience ever

Two steps forward...

Status update for fall 2018

Pack that on to the schedule

Investing in experiences

Class settled after all

Trying Peapod

How things are going

Quiet working weekend, status update

Crashing into Intercon

Annabel Lost's Kickstarter very close to goal!

State of the Phoebe, fall 2014

No-productivity day!

Almost free but not quite

Guess I'd better talk.

Status report

The habit of planning ahead

Seeking roommates for Intercon hotel room

Second-ever royalty check!