All Eyes on Me

Color sense really isn’t my best skill. Right now I’m working on an art project where I need to come up with color palettes for individual items, consisting of at least three or four colors each, and I’m struggling.

While I’m very interested in color and can see minor gradations in it, I find that I am mostly drawn towards very basic combinations when required to put them together. You can see it in my dress sense; while I think I’m pretty good at putting together outfits that look nice, they are almost always limited to just a few tones. I’m lucky that I look good in most colors and do wear a wide variety, but in any one outfit I gravitate towards one vibrant shade with a few neutrals, or various shades of all one hue. Like, teal with black and white, or various shades of oxblood with dark gray. It looks fine, but often it’s more interesting and sophisticated to combine several bright colors that compliment each other in unexpected ways. I also do this in my costume design, where I assign a general color to characters and otherwise only permit them neutrals, and often default to obvious palettes like red versus blue.

I’d like to get better at that, particularly since I think it would suit this project, but it’s hard. Right now my strategy has been to Google combinations and see what other people put together, hoping for inspiration. Maybe this kind of research will help train my eye so that I can get better at coming up with these things myself. Anything to not just default to a bright with two neutrals, or lots of tone-on-tone.

I keep wanting to work on a doll customization project, but I guess I’ve been a bit hesitant to really dive in. Recently I saw an ad for a really cute combination of a brown tweed dress over a quilted patchwork underskirt, and while it isn’t the sort of thing I’d wan to wear, I thought it would make a fun outfit to make for a doll. So I decided to see if it might help me get started to draw a design for a doll I could make, an adorable cottagecore witch.

I decided to look up for a reference image to make a Monster High croquis, or a sketch used for fashion design. I copied that image by eye:



Then I did a pencil drawing of the outfit. As I said, it’s very inspired by a Linennaive ad, specifically the brown tweed over the homey patchwork. In my version, I want to see the underskirt more, as it will be visually interesting and probably a fair bit of labor to make. So I created a sort of double-breasted wrap design that would split open in the front. A witch hatch with a kinked crown and granny boots complete the look:



Then I experimented with color. I wanted her to have big, unruly curls, and I thought red would work well with the rest of the imagined color palette. I’m thinking the patchwork will be whatever scraps I have in my fabric, but if I can keep the tones pastel that would look nice with the warm brown of the dress. I haven’t totally settled on what base doll to use, but right now I’m leaning toward an old G1 Monster High Frankie Stein. I think the mint green skin would work with the rest of the palette.



I asked Bernie for some feedback, and he said the underskirt was so interesting, I might want to show even more of it. It made me think instead of an overdress, she could have a brown tweed vest with a bustle in the back, and just show all of the patchwork. I might like that even better, and it would take it farther away from its original inspiration. He also suggested using the patchwork on the hat band as well.

I think I might do another draft before I actually try to make her. But I think she could shape up into something really cute.

Lately I've felt I've had a hard time dressing day to day in a manner that feels like me.

I know the theory of how to dress at this point. Just after I graduated college I made a point of figuring out how to present myself in a slightly more grownup and stylish way, and I have studied costume design enough that I'm familiar with the ways clothing is used as communication. From my day to day, I pretty much always look nice, put together, and with a little bit of taste. I really, really hate when I don't look good, so even in casual situations where I want to be comfortable, I endeavor to be at least a little considered and to avoid anything unflattering.

But lately I've felt a little dissatisfied with how I've been presenting myself. My clothes have felt like they don't really reflect the image I want to put forth. I feel like this often happens to me in winter, that the need to keep warm makes me layer on items that I don't really want to wear.

I've always had certain style preferences. I have always been attention seeking, and want to be seen as hot even in situations where that is probably not appropriate. I'm pretty attached to appearing thin, and conventionally attractive to men. I like showing a little more skin. I prefer classic styles to trends, but not to the exclusion of looking current. I love blacks and other neutrals but do not want to default to them. Those have been consistent even as I've evolved, learned more about dressing, and had different situations to dress for.

Lately, if I'm honest, the image I want to put forward these days is of a woman that men want but are slightly afraid of. When I settled on my current hairstyle— a bright pink quiff with the sides shaved —I found it looked best when I dressed either harder-edged to match it, or in HIGH FEMME styles that strongly contrasted with it. Those, I think, tend to serve my intended effect. Less declarative looks don't work as well with it— T-shirt and jeans, even the collar shirts and sweaters that I've been sticking to as work wear in cold weather.

Today for tutoring at Bunker Hill with rehearsal afterward, I wore gray skinny jeans, black suede Pumas, and a navy ribbed sweater with a tiny diamond earring and necklace set. I look... fine. But not really how I want to look. I like the shoes, jewelry, and pants, actually— I finally transitioned to skinny jeans after years of wearing bootcut even though they were long out of style, because I didn't like anything making my hips look fuller. But it was a good change, I still look very sleek, and now much more modern. But I guess I always feel a little schlumpy in sweaters unless they're SKIN-TIGHT.

I'm trying to think of my ideal wardrobe would look like, without the practical considerations of the day to day. I think I'm leaning these power femme and hard femme looks. Professional, high-fashion-inflected dresses with skirts no longer than the knee. Gothy-punky styles with motorcycle touches-- the structured leather jackets, heavy boots with hardware, pants with the seamed padding at the knee. And there's probably a dash of Victorian/Edwardian in there too— the look is one of the many reasons I'm fascinated with those time periods. I am mildly drawn to menswear references, but more specifically the military-equestrian-tuxedo touches that come from evoking that era. And everything must always be fitted, fitted, fitted, I guess so that boys never forget how lean and hot I am.

Maybe it's time to go through my wardrobe and get rid of everything that doesn't conform to those preferences. I think I keep a lot of it for work, which is hard to translate to my true aesthetic, which is BODYCON and LOOK AT ME all the time. I still wear bare midriffs despite being over thirty because GOD FORBID anybody forget my KILLER ABS. But maybe I'll try just packing away the stuff I feel ehhh about and see if I can manage without it for a while. At least it might make me feel like I'm not settling all the time for looking blah.

I spent all of today picking away at the large task that has been nagging at me for weeks now, the cleaning, purging, and organizing of my living space. I have been in such a brain fog, it's the most productive thing I can manage when I'm struggling to think straight.

I divided things into "task areas" to create discrete benchmarks and break things down into more manageable chunks. There are a lot of them, and some of them are worse than others. I am dreading tackling the low table in my office where I've basically just been tossing all my papers, and my sewing and craft table is an absolute nightmare. But I handled a few of the smaller, less intimidating problems and made some decent progress.



I started with little my bookshelf, which not only had a handful of books that I was never going to read, had been taken over by programs from old shows I'd seen and didn't really care about keeping anymore. The crap had built up to the point where the little pins holding up the shelf in the middle had broken and it collapsed on top of the lower level. But I realized I had two shelf brackets— less than ideal ones, since they had closet bar holders on them —and if I braced them in properly on the sides, it could support the shelf. I should probably replace the whole thing, since it's just cheap office furniture, but I'm trying to be economical right now. I made sure to put the books I've been lent by people on the outside, so I remember to return them. Apologies if you see something of yours you want back!

You may also notice the rat's nest of old iPhone ear pods on the top. I must test them all to see which of the probably EIGHT OLD PAIRS is worth keeping with lightning adaptors on them, in case I yet again misplace my wireless ones. But for some reason I find the thought of it exhausting, thus having just left them as a nest.



I also finally found an actual use for my weird little compartmentalized tapestry box. I've had it for a number of years now, having impulse-bought it in a thrift store like many of my dumber possessions, and originally used it to keep sewing supplies. That's my best guess as to what it was originally designed for, and I tried to make use of it as a little mobile sewing station to take on-site when I was doing costume work. But honestly it never really suited that use, even if I wasn't trying to lug it places, and less and less sewing stuff ended up in it over time.

I was contemplating returning it to the thrift store from whence I came when it struck me as a better solution for my makeup that I want to keep but don't use on a regular basis. I think the layout of it serves the shape of the items better, and I believe I'll find it much more convenient to access for the occasions I do need extra brushes or unusual eyeshadow colors. And it freed up a plastic organizer to hold the stuff I want to keep on my vanity table.



I've also done a little work dealing with the enormous amount of CLOTHES, daily wear, costuming, and otherwise, I currently own. I had to deal with the enormous pile of Mrs. Hawking costumes that was occupying all my office space, but was dreading trying to fit it all into the closets. I stripped out the stuff I borrowed from Jenn, washed it, and packed it away to be returned, but that hardly made a dent in it, seeing as I had to acquire a TON of extra stuff for the new show.

As you can see, my actual clothing takes up only about a quarter of the space in there, as this closet extends a few feet further into the wall on the other side. HAWKING PROPERTIES RUN MY LIFE, Y'ALL. But even though it doesn't look like much, honestly I don't think I like or wear it all— I need to take some time soon to examine if all that stuff makes me feel good to put on, or look like the kind of person I want to be. At least the black bags in the bottom will be gone soon, as they will shortly be returned to Jenn and Circe with the pieces they kindly lent me for the show.



There was so much that I finally ripped down the bar in the small closet where I keep less frequently-needed costume pieces, plus my dresses. I screwed in reinforced heavy-duty metal holders for the bar to rest on, which appears to have taken care of it. But Clara's astrakhan and Mrs. Hawking's enormous ballgown are pushing it to its limit. I know I need to get rid of stuff I don't use, but some of it is so unique and found in thrift stores it would be impossible to replace if I ever did need it. I wouldn't mind getting rid of regular clothes either, but I actually DO wear all those dresses, and I have a terrible habit of finding cute things in thrift stores because I'm an easy fit.

I also sorted through a drawer that is supposed to hold personal care products and had mostly become a junk draw, tossing out a bunch of shit, as well as consolidated all "random stuff" into a single hatbox's worth. It's a good amount of progress. Of course, I still need to CULL a lot of my things, which I don't feel up to just yet. And of course there's the sewing table and the papers. But every little bit is an improvement, when I'm feeling so crowded out by things.

I've been working out in the gym at Lesley University lately. It's been very convenient, as I can go after I teach my classes, and it has very nice facilities. Mostly I just want to run indoors while it's cold outside, as I tend toward weird asthma-like symptoms when I breath cold air for too long.

As a faculty member, I'm allowed to use the gym for free, which is nice. But I've never seen anyone other than students in there-- at least, never anyone I thought looked like post-college-aged adult. I've decided not to feel weird about it, as I know I'm allowed, but it does seem a bit odd. Where are all the other people like me who can use it as a job perk? Why do I never see them? Is it just the timing? Or are there just not many others who choose to use it?



When I'm teaching I dress very professionally to give myself some authority, but in the gym I wear my typical workout clothes, often just a sports bra and leggings. I dislike seeing students of mine in there, as I don't know if it makes a weird impression. Like, hi, I'm in charge of your grade, and here's my midriff? God, I've been dreading running into one in the locker room. I know I would not have wanted to be around my professor while one of us was changing.

And I wonder how the students who don't know me read me. I've been mistaken for a student at Lesley before, but usually by other employees; only once by an actual student that I know of. Do they assume I'm one of them, or to kids of their age, am I obviously older?

I mean, I know I look good. I am beautiful. Honestly I'm in better shape than most of the students, not just in general but even those I see in the gym. But I wonder how old I read, at least to people younger than me. I turn thirty this year. My skin has been really clear lately, thanks to the excellent acne medication I've been using, but I've begun to worry about the two spots on top of my cheeks that I think are beginning to look sun damaged, or possibly just showing age. I'm afraid my metabolism might slow down at any time.

Only a ridiculous person wants to look twenty forever. But aging is a great fear of mine. So I cling a little bit to things like when I get mistaken for still a college kid. But the truth is, I'm not a kid anymore, and I worry when that's going to catch up with me.

My favorite blog these days is Tom and Lorenzo: Fabulous and Opinionated, a style and media criticism site that really attacks the subject from a perspective I can get behind. They are a married couple, one with a background in film and the other in fashion, who do commentary on the world of fashion and have a roster of television that they review. I’m very interested in fashion design, but I get frustrated with the associated toxic consumerism, body image, and superficiality. From Tom and Lorenzo, however, their knowledge and perspective keeps it in the realm of criticism of the art of dressing and clothing design.

Tom Fitzgerald and Lorenzo Marquez are extremely educated and intelligent. They predicate their work on the ideas that clothing is communication, dressing and design are art forms, and different circumstances call for different approaches. They make critiques as to how things look and what a given person might have looked better in, but they openly acknowledge that fashion should be fun and that in the real world people should wear what they want. They never criticize people’s bodies or looks, only how they are styled and how their clothing, hair, and makeup choices affect their appearance. They are aware of issues of class, race, and gender, which influences their perspective, and they make special effort to feature people of color and events that are specific to them.

Where they really shine, in my opinion, is their television crit. Tom in particular— being a nerd with a film degree —is incredibly observant of what’s going on in a particular TV show, and always has something incisive to say about the story meaning, the design choices, and the value thereof. They’re super-good about always taking a show on its own merits, but never dismissing anything just for its genre or conventions. I’d really enjoyed what they’ve had to say on many diverse shows, from Mad Men to American Horror Story to Daredevil. They particularly shine when they’re analyzing well-done costume design. Their series Mad Style, which examines the storytelling contribution of the truly excellent wardrobe on the show Mad Men, is not only freaking fascinating, it really is an education experience on how really narrative costuming is done.

I highly, highly recommend their blog for their intelligence, their perspective, and their taste. Anyone who loves to examine how various types of design speak and tell stories is going to love their work.

I am one of those people who thinks it's a shame that there is no real "dressing up" anymore. Mostly I think it's a good thing that in our daily lives we're allowed more freedom of expression in how we dress, and that we're not always being held to some rigorous arbitrary standard. But I do wish there were, in addition to that freedom, more occasions where it was expected and normal to dress according to formal rules. I love the way people, specifically men, look in formalwear, and there's just no occasion to ever wear black or white tie anymore. It's just so striking, so attractive. It lends an air of elegance, power, taste, discernment, and it looks so damn good.

Last year, the Met Gala theme was white tie. It was one of the few places outside of Downton Abbey one could actually see real people in white tie. Honestly most people didn't wear anything close to it. The handful of people who did didn't always execute it traditionally, and the aesthetic effects were variable. But the one person EVERYONE was talking about, as not only having nailed it, but having knocked it out of the park, was Benedict Cumberbatch.

Now I'm no Benedict Cumberbatch fangirl. I think he's charming and talented, but I really don't like how he's freaking everywhere, even in roles he's not suited for. I get how he's attractive but he doesn't really do it for me. But have you ever seen him in what he wore to the 2013 Met Gala? It's quite possibly the most exquisite white tie ensemble I've ever seen.



As I said, I'm a Downton Abbey fan, so I have a fondness and a familiarity for men who look GOOD in white tie. I still keep every image from the couture men's formalwear shoot the male actors did a couple years back on my iPad. They all look hot, though most of the articles have some kind of modern twist to them. But Benedict's here is so perfectly styled, so carefully composed, so exquisitely tailored that it makes for a sort of ur-example of a classic ideal. It flatters his figure, and the details are so thoughtfully chosen-- the exact distance of the waistcoat below the cutaway, the single Albert watch chain, the perfect length of the trousers. And it SO technical and correct, going back to the earliest codifications of the style. They throw the word "timeless" around, especially when it comes to the varying levels of men's formalwear, but dressed like this, Benedict could walk into a ballroom at any minute going back to 1870, and every woman's head would turn and murmur, "Who. Is. That?"

I'm in the hotel room right now, trying to use the couple of hours I have before Joe's wedding gets going to get something done. The bridal party is all off getting photos taken. Bernie's the best man, and it's very nice to see him in a tuxedo. He's usually so resistant to dressing up, but here he is in a suit with a real tie and regular people dress shoes. The fit is not great, sadly-- I love his V-shaped, boxer-built upper body, but it is rare enough that a tuxedo rental is unlikely to be able to show it off to best advantage. :-P Still, he looks pretty good; I'll have to come home with pictures of my own.

Having a bit of a hard time focusing, but I've got so many things on my plate right now I'm trying not to waste the time. I need to get ready myself at some point, and I expect that to take a while.