All Eyes on Me

As I mentioned in my previous entry about the library shelves, the living room isn’t the only part of the house improved by having them. Since there wasn’t room for all eleven segments downstairs, we also put some into the two rooms upstairs we set aside for our offices. Bernie’s is the office he uses to work from home, and in addition to storing books and tchotchkes, it makes for a nice environment for him to take video calls. The rest went into my office, which was in dire need of some building out.

When we first moved in, we decided we would take one of the smaller rooms upstairs for our bedroom, since we didn’t need much space in there and it would be easier to heat and cool. That would allow us to use the larger master bedroom for other things, and since Bernie wanted the basement for his game room, that could allow me to use that space for my projects, and storing all the attendant STUFF they require.

But for a frustratingly long time, it was clear I didn’t have it set up the way I wanted it. My costume collection went into the spacious closet, which was nice. We put the bed that was mine in my old house in there so we’d have a place for guests, but beyond that I didn’t have the right furniture to really use the room. My work table from the old place ended up being stacked with stuff, like my sewing supplies, making it only half as useable as a work space. And I had boxes of books and things piled up that had no place to be unpacked to. It felt neither useable nor even pleasant to be in there, so I really wasn’t taking advantage of this nice space set aside for my work.

When I put some of the library shelves in there, it completely transformed the space for me. Being able to unpack and decorate in there made it feel comfortable for me in a way it hadn’t before, and I found myself able to figure out how best to arrange it for myself.



Here’s the guest bed, made up in its winter neutrals. I like having a comfortable place for guests to stay, ready even on short notice. It also makes a good place for me to nest, since I like to work sometimes from a blanket pile instead of upright in a chair. We brought up one of the end tables that used to be in my old living room to use as a nightstand, and I draped the garland from my old bedroom over the headboard. The Board of Crazy from Mrs. Hawking part V: MRS. FROST hangs on the wall over it, because I always thought it was a really cool prop and I enjoy seeing it displayed.



Having realized I needed a storage solution to free up my work top, I went on a hunt for a few new pieces of furniture. I’ve always been really good at thrifting and finding things secondhand, and it wasn’t long before I found this old sideboard in my neighborhood for cheap. I could move my sewing stuff to the top of it, and fill the cabinets with props, costumes, and other supplies. I also like that in a pinch I can use it for extra counter space.



My work table I then moved out to stand free in this half of the room. I want to keep it mostly clear so I can use it for different projects. Right now it’s set up in painting mode, with my mats spread out, but my computer can also sit here when I need it for a desk. I find I like being able to walk all the way around it, and have room to do things like set up lights and cameras if I need to film on it. There’s also room for storage tubs to live out of the way underneath it.



Here are the sections of library shelf, with my books and decorated with various things I like— particularly my Monster High dolls, which I’ve placed in little tableaux. I felt slightly embarrassed when I was setting them up, feeling silly for being a grown adult collecting them. But honestly it really goes give me joy to look at them, and here in my own space I should just make it the way I like it, and not worry what other people think.



The last new-to-me piece of furniture I found was an apothecary chest, an antique full of long thing drawers that’s perfect for dolls, supplies, and bits and bobs I need for my various crafts. It also happens to be the perfect size to display this Monster High doll house— I’m sure our overnight guests feel very secure with these little creatures watching over them. I also hung this whiteboard, though I’m not sure what I’ll use it for yet, and a few prized mementos from shows.

The room is not quite done yet. There is a pretty armoire that matches the bed frame that I'd like to get from my dad's house, but I haven't decided whether that should go in here or in my bedroom. Either place might need a bit of rearranging so as not to feel crowded. And I feel like there's still some room for art to hang on the walls. But it makes me happy how it's come together. I feel comfortable in here, and able to do projects. I didn't realize how much I hadn't enjoyed being in here before, until I finally committed to making it my own. Now it feels like a huge improvement in our home.

Took another crack at this doll design. I drew another Monster High croquis to slightly alter the costume idea.

I tried the first thing that occurred to me, to make the “overdress” into kind of like a bustle corset, similar to the sort sold by Pendragon Costumes here.



But I found once I’d drawn it, I didn’t like it as much as I thought I would. The outfit looked unbalanced. I considered doing a back view to draw it as more of a vest with tails, but I didn’t like how the patchwork skirt looked without the overdress to tone it down. So I erased and tried again.



Here I extended the skirt full-length again, but widened the gap. I think I like this better; you can still see most of the elaborate patchwork while still feeling like she’s wearing an overdress. I kept the bustle, but I don’t know if I need that with the longer skirt. I picture her as a simple forest-dweller, and probably wouldn’t wear that kind of frippery.



Here’s the new version with color. I kept the color scheme from the original draft, but changed the hatband to match the patchwork skirt. I think I’m sold on using the mint-green doll and giving her red hair. I also seem to have made the skirt longer, though I still want it to stop at the ankle— that makes sense for wandering through the woods. I also drew her hair significantly shorter, but I think I prefer the longer length in the earlier picture.

I’ve been gathering supplies to make her for a while now, and I think I have everything I need. The paint, the fabric, the tools. I’ve got a doll I can prepare, though I haven’t done it yet. The only thing I should probably do before digging in is draw a plan for her face. I’m excited to try that, as I’ve seen many doll artists do it and it looks like fun. But I want to go in with a plan in hopes of doing a better job, and coming up with something that suits the character in my mind.

I think it’s time I make some decisions about putting up art in my house. I expect Bernie and me to be there for a while, and it feels like mine in a way that previous places haven’t, so it feels possible and worth it in a way it never has before.

In the past I’ve had trouble putting up art, even in personal spaces like my bedroom. It always felt like such a difficult decision to make, to decide on what actually to devote wall space to. I would get stuck on “is this THE piece I want to have on my walls all the time?” and since I was never sure what was “good enough,” I’d be unable to commit and never put up anything.

But if my creative life has taught me anything, it’s that if you get hung up on trying to do it perfectly, you freeze up and never do anything at all. So I think I need to just… pick art that I genuinely like and not worry if it’s THE ART THAT I AM COMMITTED TO FOREVER THAT REPRESENTS ME TO ALL GUESTS IN MY HOME. I confess I DO want my art to create a certain home environment, which makes it harder to just pick stuff, even if it gives me joy. For example, I don’t particularly want to cover my place with fannish stuff, as I don’t really like the impression that makes. But the drawing of Peggy and Steve together post Endgame that Isaiah gave me as a housewarming present makes me smile every time I walk past it, so I’m really happy to have it up.

I guess it’s a balance to strike. I don’t want to be one of those people who picks art based on what other people think, or what best coordinates with the upholstery. But I like the idea of the space being tastefully curated. I have for a long time dreaming of living in a house that looked like a grownup lived there, instead of the perpetual college kid I have at times felt like.

I guess I need to just… get some art, see how I like it up, and if I don’t like it, take it down. Yeah, it means I can’t break the bank on anything. But as long as I don’t do that, I can always just change stuff and try something else! Have to remind myself of that.

We came to Arisia 2020, we saw, and we conquered. Mrs. Hawking VI: FALLEN WOMEN was a success. I burst with pride at how we have yet again managed to top ourselves. I feel like the feedback this year was not only positive, but extremely enthusiastic. I was never before stopped in the hallways so many times as this by people who wanted to tell me how much they liked it.

Now I am slowly putting myself back together after the Hawking Arisia shows. My life always kind of falls to the wayside during tech week and performance weekend, but I’m pulling it back together bit by bit.

I am cleaning my house. There are so many things to put away from the show, and I can’t stand when my space is crowded by stuff. It’s an undertaking, but mostly everything is now back in its place. I even managed to get all the costumes back into the costume closet after cleaning, despite there being ten more from this round of production than the previous. The whole place requires a good scrubbing, from the surfaces to the floors, since I’ve neglected it since the show down to the wire. But I can’t really dig into that until all the properties are out of the way.

I am also getting back to my schedule. My workouts, my reading, my drawing. Carrying set piece filled in nicely for working out, but now I’m back to my typical exercise at the gym. I wrote recently about how I’ve gotten myself back into books by making myself read at least ten minutes a day by setting a timer, and found that worked very well for me. I’ve also started listening to audio books as I go about my day, and I’ve torn through quite a few classic British mysteries— Hercule Poirot, Lord Peter Wimsey —that way already. And I’ve drawn my daily portrait. I think even losing as few as ten days of practices kind of set me back, but I have seen general improvement over the sixty or so I’ve done since I started. That pleases me immensely.

Work has started back up. I had a ten-or-so-day period where the show was over and my classes were just getting going where I had little responsibility, and it was nice, but that’s ended now. I only have two classes this semester because the other two were yet again cancelled due to low enrollment, which means I have to return to tutoring. I’m very grateful that’s still an option, thanks to my very wonderful boss there Bill, but I’d prefer just to be teaching classes. That suits me better and puts me in a better financial position, but it’s so tough to make happen for the spring semesters. I guess at least I won’t have as much to grade.

And I’ve got to get back to writing. After an INSANELY productive period, maybe the most prolific of my life, from May 2018 to August 2019, I lost all that steam and barely wrote anything from that time up to now. I have noodled on some things and scribbled down some ideas, but very little actual generation. It’s not the end of the world, as I was busy with work and producing the newest Mrs. Hawking show. But it’s time to get back into the swing of things. Bernie and I want to give some thought to the next Hawking while we’re riding high from the success of part six— especially since this is the first time in a long time we didn’t know exactly where we wanted to go. I have to editing work to do on my pilots. And I really need to dig into editing my novel, which in its current form is embarrassingly bad, but I got some recent feedback from Nuance and Mark I want to try to do something with.

I’m hoping to take this recent positivity and carry it forward.

I have been wearing eye makeup more often lately. Not really sure why. Probably watching too many drag queens and enjoying the process of painting. I'm not sure if it makes me look better or more beautiful in any way-- which, if you know me, you know I am always interested in looking. I am fortunate that I do feel beautiful a good chunk of the time, and I very rarely ever feel ugly. But I think that is small in comparison to the amount of time I spend staring in the mirror absolutely unable to decide if I look beautiful or not.

Isn't that weird? You'd think that when you're wondering if you meet an extreme like "beautiful"-- not "nice" or "presentable" or anything of that nature --it'd be pretty clear whether you hit it or not. But it's often not to me. "I can't tell if I look AMAZING or merely fine!"


Check this unflattering industrial lighting

Honestly I think I like the process of doing the makeup more than I like actually wearing it. I probably actually do look prettiest without it. But I do like the process, and I have gotten less terrible at it recently with some practice. I have brown eyes with a bit of green in them depending on the light, so they often do seem to "pop" when there is a color on them. I also have been blessed with long thick eyelashes. So it probably never really looks bad, at least if I do it right.

Like most people, I probably look best when I stick to neutral or skin-adjacent colors-- browns, pinks, grays. But I've been experimenting with bright colors too. The only clothes colors I don't think look good on me are pastel pinks, purples, and yellows; I wear pretty much everything else. With makeup, however, I gravitate to warmer colors mostly. This may be the bias of the Modern Renaissance palette from Anastasia Beverly Hills being the only really nice makeup I own. It's all tones of red-yellow-orange-brown. I didn't buy it; it was in a swag bag I got from going to see a painting demonstration by the drag queen Miss Fame. But it's higher quality and more expensive than anything I'm willing to buy, with the exception of foundation. Also I strongly prefer matte to shimmer; I hate how shiny highlighter has been so en vogue lately.

I think I like how orange looks on me. I sort of like red and have been playing with it a bit, but I think it tends to play up any redness in my skin or the whites of my eyes. Outside of that, I can make a pretty lowkey look with purple, especially combined with brown. And if I use a light hand to not make it too garish, green will bring out the green in my irises.

It occurs to me I've never tried an all-yellow look, though I'd have it as a companion to something in orange, red, or brown. I wonder if that could look nice, or just jaundiced on my pale white girl skin. And I never wear blue. Blue just always, always looks like way too much to me. And I think I internalized this one time when I was a kid my mother commented that blue eyeshadow was tacky. I never remember her wearing more than very minimal makeup-- she was appearance conscious and quite pretty, except she had fairly serious acne scarring, and I think she felt sort of compelled to downplay that with makeup. But seeing as she was young in the seventies and eighties, I can guess where her perception of blue eyeshadow came from. So, since it's beyond my skill to keep it from looking clownish, no blue for me.

I know a lot of people just wear makeup because they enjoy it, not because they feel like it makes them "prettier" or whatever. But I'm not a hundred percent sure I don't look a little silly, seeing as my skill level is low. I also have very little space between my eyebrows and my eyes-- charitably comparable to Cara Delevigne's, though you could say I'm quite literally "low brow." ;-) Maybe it looks crowded and overdone. But it's fun to play around with. Still, and I bet I'd be content if I had another person to do eyeshadow on in the morning instead of myself. Get to do it, wouldn't need to wear it. Heh.

I have recently started learning to knit. This past weekend I attended a lovely craft swap party organized by twilighttremolo where I dropped off a bunch of crafting supplies I wasn't using and found a bunch of other people brought needles and yarn they no longer wanted. So I grabbed a couple of pairs of needles (one size nine pair and one small circular set) and a few balls of yarn. The yarn was mostly gray, I am amused to note, as I recently laughed over one Christmas where I received not one but three gray sweaters from various family members. What can I say, I like gray. Mom hated my gray phase in high school, so I guess this is my revenge.

Knitting is something I've always wanted to try. I like making things with my hands and it seemed relaxing. I figured since I could get the supplies for free in this I might as well finally do it. I taught myself some basic stuff from a couple of Youtube videos, and at this point I can cast on, do a garter stitch, and purl. I actually struggled a LOT initially, but in sticking with it I managed to pick it up okay. I've been practing whenever I have a minute, making rows upon rows of nothing in particular. At first I just did a million garter stitches, then once I learned the purl I did a few rows of that, and now I'm working on alternative between them one by one.



I'm really enjoying the physical act of it, though being me I have my typical reservations, like the fact that it's not the best use of my time, and I don't really like knitted things, so I don't know what I'll do with anything I make. But I've been having trouble doing anything I can't see "building to some point later," and it's made me lose a lot of time doing nothing just because I can't find the absolute best use of it, and I haven't been letting myself do things just because I might enjoy them. So maybe this will be good for me to have a thing I do simply because it makes me feel good. It's nice to learn a new practical skill, and another way to make things with my hands.

In teaching literature classes, I can't help but approach my lesson planning from my personal theory of how to analyze literature. I go by a few guiding principles, which I will try to articulate here:

1. Intent is not everything

Generally, I believe in the theory of Death of the Author. This is the idea that once a piece of written work has been finished, the author's intention for what they meant the work doesn't dictate the meaning. They can't whisper over the shoulder of the audience member, so whatever the audience finds in the experience of the work is legitimate.

2. Intent is not nothing.

Despite what I just mentioned, I would not go so far as to as to say the author's intention does not matter. I believe that even though the maker's intention is not the last word on the matter, the work would not have come out the way it did had the maker approached it with a different intention. So I think their plans must be taken into account, if not take as gospel.

3. The story must be taken as its own serious universe.

Most serious analysis requires at least some level of treating the characters and world in the story as if they were as full and complete as the real world. The discovery of real meaning is cut off if one dismisses aspects of it as "not complete," "just a story," that sort of thing. For example, a character may seem inscrutable if you dismiss them as not a complete person, but in that case it's better to evaluate based on what could possibly be true of a person who evidences those behaviors of traits.

4. Writers are human and make mistakes.

Despite the previous, I also think it's important to remember that writers make mistakes and have weaknesses. It is possible to decide that something in a work was not well-made and therefore doesn't accomplish great meaning or art. Writers are human, even the masters are not infallible. This is important because then one can analyze what might have worked better or more effectively in a given example.

5. A work should be taken for what it is.

Each work should be taken on its own terms. What is it trying to be? What are the standards that apply to it? If one does not engage with a piece on the level it's intended, one invites misinterpretation or intellectually dishonest critique. Ask if a piece is a good example of what it is, not a bad example of something entirely different.

6. No art is exempt from critique.

Again, possibly despite the previous, any work can be judged and examined for quality and significance. It should be taken as the kind of art that it is, but that doesn't mean you can't see if it's a worthy example of whatever it's trying to be. This should not be dismissed as "taking something too seriously."

~~~

These are kind of contradictory, but it's in the interest of balance. There are of course other critical approaches, but these are the bones of mine, and it's a place for my students to start if they're new to the process.

My mother loved Halloween.

My earliest childhood was in San Jose, California, and they took Halloween very seriously there. They decorated like crazy, sometimes so elaborately and realistically they actively scared the smaller kids. I remember one year my mom made this graveyard for our front yard. She cut twenty large pieces of styrofoam into various tombstone shapes. She covered them all with spackle that she mixed with black and gray paint to make them look like stone. And she burned "engravings" into them-- names, symbols, the occasional R.I.P. She used a woodburning tool, which she admitted later was probably a terrible idea because of the fumes from the melting plastic, but it let her carve quickly with a high degree of control. And the stones were all in the names of various figures from pop culture. I don't remember most of them, though they were all pretty clever. What were they? I seem to recall Dick Tracey was one of them. Horror figures-- Dracula, Victor Frankenstein. I can picture the one she made for Swamp Thing very vividly. It has SWAMP THING burned across the top, and a neat little stylized symbol of a hand reaching up out of a swamp.

She set them out in our yard at semi-regular intervals. She strewed around dead flowers and fake spiderwebs. It looked amazing. I wish we still had them.

She also couldn't pronounce "pumpkin" properly. She said "punkin." It makes me smile.

As we get underway preparing article submissions for Game Wrap Magazine, we realized it would be a good thing to include some visuals, to add richness and interest to our publication.

So, to that end, we are calling for submissions of larp-related images for possible inclusion. That means that we would like to see:

- pictures related to larping that are
- high resolution photography or
- original art
- that you have the right to grant license for our use

We are seeking possibilities for our cover, as well as for within the pages of the publication to accompany the articles.

If you'd like us to consider including your images, please send them with appropriate attribution information to neilgamewrap@gmail.com !

I've always admired really unique unusual movie posters, ones that avoid the cliches of, like, faces across the top, or the hero seen from the back or whatever. Not that can't look nice-- the latter is the obvious one for Adonis, for example --but I like it so much better when they're iconic, clever, or have specific meaning for the piece they represent. Had an idea for a poster for Mrs. Hawking that would be unique. Not sure if it would work, but it would certainly be interesting.

There's about eight million reasons why Mrs. Hawking should be filmed rather than staged. One of the reasons would be that we could show details and subtle things that simply wouldn't be visible to the audience from the stage. I was musing at rehearsal the other night that one moment that I would love to be way more visually defined than the limitations of the stage allows is the moment when Mary treats Mrs. Hawking's wound right after she first discovers her activities. The idea is that Mrs. Hawking has suffered a grazing wound low on the left side of her abdomen, and when Mary looks to treat it, she is shocked by what she sees. In the script, she comments only on how many scars Mrs. Hawking has. But in my head, that's only part of it. If this were a film, with a camera that could give us a closeup on details, what we would see of her body would give us so much information. Yes, we would see all the scars left over from healed wounds. We would also see her defined abs, showing how strong and fit she was. And we would see the faded remains of stretch marks, hinting at the reveal to come. I love laying the groundwork beforehand so that the audience gets an "Of course!" moment when they finally make the connection, and that would be a great wordless way to do it.

I was thinking a shot of her abdomen, with all those unique indicators of her identity and history on display, would make for a unique poster. Maybe with some article of article of conservative Victorian clothing also visible to contrast, as if suggesting that this is what lies beneath that unlikely facade. Not sure how that would work, as any item of Victorian womenswear would be hard to wear in such as way as exposed the midriff, but I like the concept. I also like the concept of the juxtaposition of the scars of her non-traditional warrior's life with the more common scars of motherhood. Maybe the fresh wound from the scene would be there. Maybe one gloved hand is seen lifting the clothing to expose it. Maybe her blonde braid can be seen hanging low enough from her opposite shoulder.

I don't know if it would work. Maybe it's playing too much on tropes of sexualization to have a shot of a woman's toned, if also otherwise disfigured, abdomen. Maybe it only seems cool to me because I'm obsessed with abs, Frances's in particular. But I like the idea, especially since there's so much coded information in the visual that would not be immediately obvious. I wonder if I could manage to do makeup well enough to execute the look on Frances and take a picture of it. Couldn't hurt to test it, right?