All Eyes on Me

I've been trying to reform some habits lately, in hopes of having a little more energy and focus and managing some mental health symptoms. One of those is I'm trying to replace my morning Starbucks with something a little less sugary, and that doesn't cost six dollars every day.

For this purpose, I decided to give Mud/Wtr a try. I believe it's an example of what they call "mushroom coffee," which doesn't actually contain any coffee, but is a drink powder made with functional mushrooms. As far as I can tell, "functional" refers to mushrooms that have adaptogenic compounds that ward off chemical and biological stress, but are not psychoactive. Since I have been struggling with some of the weariness and mental fog that they're supposed to help with, I thought I'd see if they worked for me, and if I could stand to drink it.

To make the stuff, you mix a tablespoon of the powder with boiling water and your milk and sweetener of choice. Mud/Watr even sends you a neat little blending whip to help mix it together, so it's kind of fun to make. And I actually was surprised to find how much I like drinking it. The kind I got tastes like a fancy hot chocolate mixed with masala chai, although not as thick or quite as sweet. It's no Starbucks chai latte-- my beloved creamy syrupy spicy sugar bomb --but it's way cheaper, and with significantly fewer empty calories.

I think I've been feeling a bit better with it too. It's only been a week, but I do think I've been less foggy. Of course, it could be any number of things-- maybe over Thanksgiving break I've been eating or sleeping better or something. But it makes me optimistic, and anything that cuts down on the Starbucks is a good thing for me now. Also I get to joke now about my morning microdose, which my straightedge ass finds endlessly amusing.

Made something kind of interesting while trying to throw something together for lunch today. Wanted to dress up that boil-in-the-bowl dry ramen for something quick. So I threw in some frozen mixed veggies we had in the freezer, and made a quick sauce out of odds and ends we had in the kitchen. Some white miso paste, teriyaki sauce, a spoonful of peanut butter, a little of the starchy noodle water, and a dash of sriracha in Bernie’s. Crumbled in some peanuts for crunch; would have scrambled an egg if I’d had a little more time.

But it came out pretty tasty, which pleases me because I’m not great at improvising things like sauces— particularly outside of the Italian-peasant, French-country cuisine style my knowledge is based in. I’ll have to remember this next time we want a real bite at home but don’t have a lot of time. Bernie liked it, at least, so I’ll consider that a success. ☺️

MRS. HAWKING SPILLS THE TEA! A collection of behind-the-scenes looks at the making of the Mrs. Hawking shows, in the lead up to our live and filmed performances at Arisia 2024.

Previous episodes:
1. Intro
2. Costumes
3. GRWM with Arthur Swann
4. TV Tropes
5. Giveaway
6. Heroes
7. GRWM with Clara Hawking
8. Historical Fiction

Watch on YouTube

Teatime was an integral part of daily life in Victorian society. So of course, we often need tea and scones onstage for scenes that take place in tearooms and during teatime.

Join us on a very special episode of Mrs. Hawking Spills the Tea as co-writer and Technical Director Bernie Gabin shows us how to bake the perfect Victorian scone! Yum!

Do you like scones? If so, what’s your favorite kind? Let us know in the comments!

Catch our live FALLEN WOMEN at 5pm 1/13 at Arisia 2024:

“London, 1888— Mrs. Hawking’s great rival may have been vanquished, but the struggle has left rifts in the once-close bond between our heroes. They find themselves alienated and in pain even as they must swing into action to take on the infamous murderer Jack the Ripper. Where once they were always there for one another, a new life path opening up for Mary, Nathaniel’s lingering trauma, and Mrs. Hawking’s pulling away from her chosen family threaten to shatter the team forever. CN: gunshots, mention of spousal violence, violence against sex workers.”

#MrsHawkingSpillsTheTea #MrsHawking #setlife #backstage #actor #makingof #film #actorlife #theater #arisia #victorian #technicaltheater #superhero #femalesuperhero #newplay #arisia2024 #behindthescenes #scones #baking #homemade #food #dessert #foodie #foodporn #yummy #instafood #delicious #baker #sweet #teatime #bake #love #foodstagram #desserts #bakersofinstagram #tasty #recipe

Video by Cari Keebaugh.

Mrs. Hawking Part 6: FALLEN WOMEN will be performed at Arisia 2024 at 5pm on Saturday, January 13th at the Boston Westin Seaport. Register for the con to see our show: Arisia.org.

Whatever message you want to convey? Whatever love, care, concern, thought, well-wishing, hope, congratulations, whatever you want to say? Do it with food.

Take people out to their favorite restaurant.

Send people fancy baskets of fruit, cheese, wine, chocolates, charcuterie.

Spend time and effort in the kitchen lovingly crafting something with your own hands that has a piece of your soul and all your good intentions.

Stuff gathers dust and it's hard to pick something that will be appreciated. Instead, say it with food. Everyone eats. Everyone needs to eat. When they are happy, food is for celebration. When they are sad, food brings comfort. When they are weary, the gift of it makes it easier to be nourished and grow strong again.

The message of food is baked into its very nature: "I want you to live, enjoy, grow strong." All the well wishes of the world.

Even if you have a crazy diet freak like me, there's nothing like the gift of food. Crudités platters. Frozen steaks and chops in the mail. Fruit baskets. Invitations to dinner, home cooked or eaten out. The one gift everyone has the capacity to appreciate, no matter who they are.

Say it with food.

I haven't been cooking much lately. Too busy, too tired, or not home at convenient hours for it. But I love it. It has great meaning for me, beyond just a fun hobby. Food is holy; cooking is art and love at once. There's no other art or craft quite like it, in that everybody eats, everybody must eat, and so everybody can get something out of food. I know food's not a big deal for everybody, but nobody can go without it. Food is basic survival, so you can use it to be good to anybody, and then make it so much more.

I cooked tonight. Nothing fancy, just some panko breaded chicken and roasted vegetables. But it was delicious, and I felt so much better and stronger after eating it. I remembered that I made it, that I have the power and knowledge and ability to create something like this, to deliver this feeling when I want to. It's so powerful. I think of how my mom and dad showed love with beautiful meals. I think of how prone I am to bad attitudes about food because of my overwhelming desire to be thin, and how much my love of food helps me avoid those dangers. I think of all the wonderful occasions I've centered around dishes I've lovingly prepared.

I've got a scene in my head that I've wanted to include in a piece of writing for a long time now. I've just never had the right project for it. I imagine a novice chef laboring over a dish taught to them by a mentor. They put everything they have into it. They approach the table with the dish, to lay it in front of their mentor who sits at the head. The novice looks on in trepidation as the master takes a bite. All is still for a moment, then the master lays down the spoon and covers their eyes with their hand. The novice panics a moment, thinking they've failed. But the master stands and embraces them, weeping, because it was just so exquisite.

It reminds me of my mom, teaching me to make her lobster bisque, the most important recipe in our family. I don't have a place for it yet. But I've written other stories involving other passions-- sewing, ballet --so maybe someday I'll write a piece about cooking.

At the end of this week, all my enormous commitments for the last several months will be fulfilled. I am going to have a very light summer, which I am incredibly glad and excited for, that even begins with basically a three-week break even from my day job in the gap between spring and summer trimesters. So I practically have a summer vacation, like back when I was in school!

I don’t want to LOAD MYSELF UP WITH COMMITMENTS RAWR. That’s my normal MO with any free time, and I know I need a break from deadlines, responsibilities, and appointments. But though I’d like to get more sleep and spend more evenings at home, I’d would like to use the time to work on stuff that’s fun and meaningful to me. So here’s some ideas of the stuff I’d like to pursue at least on a casual basis for the next three or four months.

STUFF I’M DEFINITELY DOING

Going back on my diet. I felt so good and looked freaking amazing on my smoothie and paleo diet, so I’m going to put myself back on it. It’s tough transitioning from sugar and carbs, but once I push through that I like how it makes me look and feel.

Start exercising again. Like my diet, my exercise regime had me in really great shape and health. I’d like to get back on that regular schedule for it. I may even return to circuit training appointments. I’ll be making less money for the next few months, though, so I’ll have to see if that’s in the budget.

Fix up my skin. My skincare routine has COMPLETELY gone by the wayside, and my acne is worse than it’s been in forever. I really need to get it sorted out. Having the time to take proper care of it made a big difference, and I’m hoping having less stress will help too.

STUFF I’D LIKE TO DO

Journal every day. My blog is really important to me and I’ve been too busy to keep it up. I want to go back to posting at least every week day, to have a record of my life and thoughts, as well as a way to keep present in the thoughts of the people who read it.

Throw a party. I love having parties, and I haven’t done it in forever. Maybe just the “cool people come over” kind or maybe with a theme. Like, a Fancy Party where everyone must dress up, or a Costume Party to make up for how I missed Halloween this past year.

Write seriously. I haven’t been doing much writing and it’s seriously slowed down my output. I want to not let the responsibilities of work or production make it so I’m no longer generating work. Not sure which project to focus on— Mrs. Hawking part 4? Adonis 2? Something else? —but I’d like to make some significant progress on something.

Learn how to do makeup. At least, better than I can right now. I’ve actually gotten pretty okay at basic, pretty, semi-natural makeup, but watching so much RuPaul’s Drag Race has gotten me fascinating with the transformative powers of makeup artistry and there’s a bunch of looks that I’d love to learn how to master.

Rework my Problem of the Protagonist theory. This is an idea I’ve been developing as a literary critic that I’ve recently done some mental refining on. I should do a rewrite of it to reflect the progress I’ve made. I think it’s actually a really useful idea and I’d like to make it as clear and precise as I can.

Write up the GM notes for my latest tabletop roleplay mod. I wrote this recently to run for inwaterwrit and some friends, and it came out better than it had any right to given how swamped I’ve been. Entitled “Silver Lines” and set in New York in 1889, it involved Mary and Arthur from the Mrs. Hawking series, and included some cool characters and interesting history. I’d like to write down the information needed to GM the thing so I don’t lose it.

Finish Lady Got Back. This is my idea for a parody of Baby Got Back about Victorian bustles. I have a lot that I like so far but it isn’t quite done yet. I’d love to finish it and then find somebody to record it in a perfect posh Victorian accent. That would be hilarious.

Rewatch all the Marvel movies. Just for fun. Not everything has to be work, right? That’s what vacation is for!

STUFF I’M CONSIDERING

Changing my hair. I’ve still got this bee in my bonnet, I’m afraid. I was kind of disappointed by my attempt to go blonde, as it seemed to just fade to a light brown after like two washes, so it didn’t really satisfy my craving for something really different. Part of me wants to use the fact that I have no real need for a professional presentation this summer to try something really unusual— an unnatural color, an undercut? –and if I hate it, let it grow out or dye it back or whatever before the classes I’m teaching start this fall. But as usual, I’m nervous about not liking it, as I hate not feeling pretty, and the last attempt was really not worth the great expense.

Drag myself out. Related to my desire to develop greater facility with makeup, I’ve wanted to see if I could make myself look like a boy for a long time now. It might be fun to actually attempt it, with makeup and clothes and all that.

Work on my fashion designs. I know it’s not the best use of my time, because I don’t really have the time or resources to fully realize it in any way, but last October I started drawing up some ideas for a collection as a change of pace from my current creative work. It kind of has a post-apocalyptic aesthetic to it and I think I came up with some really cool stuff, so part of me would love to play around with it more and refine the ideas.

Make a costume of some kind. Don’t know what, but I haven’t been exercising my sewing or design skills enough recently. Maybe I should make something for a Hawking play, or maybe try my hand at a cosplay.

Record vocal diaries. I’ve been thinking about this for a while, like blogging by voice rather than by text. I might start with stuff I’ve already written just to try it, and then branch into doing podcast-like new things on various topics. Maybe I’d review stuff, or just do new blog entries that way.

So that’s all the stuff I’m considering. Almost certainly won’t do all of it, and maybe new ideas will occur to me. But I’m really looking forward to having a lower-key life for a while, where I can do stuff that seems fun rather than just stuff that’s become a responsibility.

Something that preoccupies me a great deal is wondering if my experience of life and the world is anything like the way other people experience it. Am I like anyone else? Does the skin they’re in make things so very different? And if it does, why? Especially if it’s a person with a problem, I wonder what about their situation means they have that problem when I don’t. Are things really that much harder for them? Or am I just not as sensitive to whatever it is they’re dealing with? Maybe I struggle with empathy— or maybe I’m doing my best to develop some more.

( Content note: food issues. )

And I take so much pleasure in food. I love it so much, in so many ways. I love looking at it, smelling it, choosing it, touching it, hearing about it, talking about it, preparing it, cooking it, laying it out, serving it, sharing it, EATING IT, sometimes EATING IT until I’m ready to burst because I can’t get enough of the joy. I want you to send me pictures of the dinner you just cooked. I want you to tell me about the fabulous meals you ate on your vacation. I want to discuss how you cook this and what you made when you prepared it like that. Food means joy to me, joy and safety and strength and security and creativity and hope for the future and LOVE, the most primal act of love one human being can do for another. I get teary-eyed thinking of how much of human connection is forged through food. If I cook for you, I am loving you in the most fundamental way I know how.

And just as sharp as the screaming and biting is? So too is the joy of not only soothing it, but of leaving a feeling of full contentment in its place. Maybe that is what keeps me healthy this way. Maybe this love makes it so I don’t develop a problem.

More on this another time.

In my hero's boast, I laid out everything that I have to do from now until the end of the year.

One of those things was that I wanted to stay on both the smoothie diet and the fighter abs exercise program for twelve weeks. Just around Christmas, I completed that goal. I am super happy, because I look and feel great.



REGARD THE EXQUISITE MACHINE. I love how my body looks, especially my abs. I'm fitter, leaner, and more toned than I've ever been in my life. I'm happy enough that I'm planning on staying with lifestyle as long as possible. Taking breaks for special occasions will happen, but living this way has made me feel healthy, strong, and beautiful, so I want to stick with it.

WITNESS ME.

I'm super excited for Thanksgiving this year. My family is coming to my house, which I like because it makes me feel like a grownup, so I will be spending it with my dad, my brother, his girlfriend, and, for the first time ever, Bernie.

I have had the cooking and baking bug hardcore lately, so I'm champing at the bit to have the chance to make a huge elaborate meal. We've had basically the same Thanksgiving since I was a tiny child, and I'm not planning on changing up the dinner menu much. That makes a roast turkey with a kind of French country-inspired stuffing that was my mom's invention, whipped mashed potatoes, roast brussel sprouts, a fancy pear and parsnip puree, spicy cranberry sauce, and croissants in place of dinner rolls. It's a homey meal that I really love, and one I look forward to all year.

The differences I'm introducing this year are mostly to do with the baking and dessert. We usually buy croissants, but this time I think I want to try my hand at making them from scratch. It's definitely not an easy task, as it involves making a laminated dough, but I think beautiful homemade pastry would be a fun challenge and a nice addition to the table. I am using a recipe by Paul Hollywood, the judge on the Great British Bake Off. I'll have to convert some of the measurements to Imperial, and there's probably easier version out there, but I'm kind of on a kick with him right now. He knows his stuff, and, because I am shallow and easily manipulated by personality, I like his spiky hair, his blue eyes, and his slightly coarse accent.

I'm also going to make a pumpkin cheesecake for Casey and Sarah. Our usual family desserts and pumpkin and apple pies, which I really do love, but I wanted to shake things up this year, and Casey asked for cheesecake. Again I've never made one before, but I'm trying to expand my baking repetoire. For this I'm using a recipe of Alton Brown's, who is my go-to guy for when I want to try a dish I've never done before. This one is from his personal website, so sadly there is no corresponding Good Eats video, but he did do a regular cheesecake episode which I've watched for reference. With this version we can keep the presence of pumpkin on the table somehow.

The only real sticking point is Bernie's keeping kosher. My family lives on butter combined with meat, and up to this point it's been an integral part of our Thanksgiving recipes. My dad is not enthusiastic about the idea of a kosher Thanksgiving, so it's up to me to manage the cooking so that it goes as smoothly as possible. If I can pull it off so that it's not a pain in the butt to do, and the food comes out just as good, then I hope that will send the message that Bernie joining us for holidays is not a kink in the gears. I think if that precedent is set, it won't be an issue for the future.

Most of our holiday traditions are doing things we've been doing since Casey and I were born, basically, and never really involved anyone besides the four of us. We're all introverted to a degree, and part of the appeal was to celebrate exactly the way we liked it without having to put on anything for company. But I want Bernie to be part of my family now, joining us for our celebrations-- and honestly one of the advantages of being a mixed-faith couple is we can each celebrate our most important holidays in the way we prefer. Still, this is a small hurdle I'll have to work out.

Currently my plan is to start with Alton Brown's recipe for roast turkey with stuffing and adapt it to my purposes. I'm going to use my mother's stuffing instead of his, but follow his cooking instructions because his version doesn't use butter. I really hope you can't taste the difference too much-- everything is better with butter, and I don't want my dad to be disappointed. The extra stuffing that won't fit in the bird we usually put in a pan and bake separately as a dressing, so that can have butter in it-- though no meat juice from the turkey. The brussels sprouts can be done as we usually do them, as can the cranberry sauce. I think we'll do two versions of the mashed potatoes, one with milk and butter and one without. I hate margarine and think it's basically like eating toxic waste, but maybe I ought to pick some up just for Bernie's sake. The pear and parnsip requires sour cream and I'm not sure if there's anything that can substitute for it. He'll just have to wait on the croissants and desserts, but that's what usually happens anyway.

I hope it works out. Integrating new people into family gatherings can be tricky, but at least I've got a plan.

This past week I tried using the Peapod grocery delivery service for the first time. I’ve been aware of it for a while now, but never really felt like it was economical to use. There’s a delivery fee attached, of course, and it always seemed too much of an extravagance to justify on my budget. But recently I got a coupon in the mail inviting me to try it at a discount. I have been so slammed for time these days, plus the fact that the discount cut out the delivery fee, that it was too tempting to pass up. So I made an account and sat down to give online grocery shopping a try.

With the cost issue temporarily out of the way, I was concerned that I wouldn’t be able to find everything I usually buy. Especially given my diet, I need some pretty specific items, like unsweetened vanilla almond milk and Greek yogurt and they didn’t have a number of my preferred brands. Like, the only sugar-free Greek yogurt they had was plain, which I don’t like as much. I usually shop at Hannaford, and the Peapod service comes from Stop and Shop. I would also say that thing were generally a little bit more expensive per item than they are at Hannaford, which made me feel kind of guilty. But again, with the discount I think this time it evened out.

I was seriously, ridiculously excited for its arrival, like it was some special present, rather than just… my normal groceries. But receiving it made me very happy. I love food and cooking, so stocking up my cabinets to make things gave me a good feeling. They text you when the driver is there, which I loved. I unpacked it like Christmas morning, and I was very pleased with it all. The steaks, for example, were probably not the size I would have selected for myself, but they were very good quality, and the produce like the apples and broccoli were absolutely gorgeous.

Another advantage was that up until a certain cutoff time, they allow you to amend your order. I am notorious for forgetting stuff that I need but aren’t part of my usual buying habits, and this permitted me to just add them in later when I remembered them, or knock off an item if I realized I didn’t need it after all. That’s extremely convenient. I also used this as an opportunity to refresh some of my pantry staples. I’ve been baking more lately, so I made sure I had enough new, fresh flour and sugar to experiment a little.

As much as I liked it, I don’t know if I can make a habit of using it. I feel weirdly guilty paying to have my groceries delivered to me. It feels kind of spoiled, kind of wasteful. I do have a little more cash these days due to my improved employment situation, but I also have fairly serious financial responsibilities in putting on the two Mrs. Hawking plays. But my time has always been my most valued resource, and I am so, so busy lately. Maybe I won’t rely on it every week, but I can hold it in my back pocket as an option when I really don’t have the time to actually go to the grocery store.