All Eyes on Me

Not feeling great about my appearance lately. Specifically my skin and hair, but generally haven’t thought I looked great.

Last month I broke out pretty seriously, for the first time since I think the pandemic began. My Curology prescription, which had been doing pretty well by me, seemed to have abruptly stopped working, and my chin has been a spotty pink mess for weeks now. I made an appointment with an actual dermatologist who recommended an expensive prescription-only preparation which doesn’t seem to have made a dent in it, but since going away to see Bernie my use of it hasn’t been that consistent. I probably need to make sure I’m using it every night for a solid period of time before I’m sure it won’t do the job. But in the meantime, the spots are pretty bad, and right over my chin area where my skin is most showing its age. :-/ I’ve been trying not to fixate on it, but a year of Zoom calls has made me very aware of how my face is starting to change.

Sigh. Acne and sagging skin? Why do I have the worst of youth and age at the same time?

And I hate my hair. I’ve been growing it out from my short cut of the last several years, but I really don’t like the weird in-between stage it’s been in for months. I don’t know how to style it so it doesn’t look awkward, like I’m a little mushroom person. I think a lot about shaving it back down into a quiff, tall in the center and razored on the sides. I actually think I made it work, and I enjoyed having the aspect of a fierce bird. But as I’m aging, I think I might be getting too old for such a severe look. God knows I can’t function if boys don’t think I’m pretty, so I think I need to grow it out long again into something more femme. I have kind of missed having girlier hair. But I can’t get there without going through this awkward growing-out period. And if I shave it down again out of frustration, it’ll take even longer to get it long again. So I guess I’m stuck being patient and weird-looking a while more.

At least I’ve been in pretty good shape lately. Took a few pictures lately where that’s visibly on point, which makes me feel a bit better about things. I worked out really seriously during lockdown, probably the toughest workouts of my life, so I’ve got that going for me at least. However I basically did nothing over the two and a half weeks Bernie visited, so I feel so week and squishy right now. I need to get back in my good habit so dragging myself through the workout isn’t so painful. It took me a long time to build up the strength, and I really don’t want to lose it. Not to mention the slammin’ body it gave me.



Photoshop takes care of the pimples. If only my hair weren’t so mushroomy.

I have done that thing that no vain person should ever do, attempted to cut and dye my own hair.

I have been getting a little shaggy lately, and I wanted to change things up a little. I decided I wanted to go back to dyeing things again, as I thought it was fun. I'm also trying to save money these days, so I thought I'd do it myself. My short hair has to be trimmed so often I figured if I screwed it up, I could just get it all cut off and it would regrow to the desired length again fairly quickly.

So the other night I started by bleaching it, just the top, so once it started to grow dark roots again it would look a little deliberate. First I had to wash it because of how much hair product I've always got in these days. I just bought bleaching supplies from my local Sally Beauty, mixed up the stuff, and left it on my head under a plastic cap for about forty minutes. After washing that off, it bleached pretty cleanly, with minimal brassy tones. I was amused at how it looked— pretty much like the Heat Miser, as my friend Allyn pointed out —and joked that I felt I needed to remedy the fact that I didn't look enough like a douchebag.





The plan was always to dye it a color again— I thought I'd use up the rest of the pink dye I still had from the last time —but I really didn't feel like washing my hair a third time in one day, so I held off until today. I decided to buzz down the back and sides before I dyed anything, so I bought a cheap electric razor, laid down a drop cloth, and got to hacking. I didn't do... terrible? It's not great, particularly the back, but for taking a pair of clippers to my own head, I figure I could look a lot worse. And the price was right.

I then jumped in the shower and used my Overtone pink conditioner to do the dyeing. I was feeling a little lazy and didn't want to deal with the cleanup from my traditional pink dye. But as you can see, the color isn't great. It's paler than I want, and not as consistent; you can see a bit of the bleach color still peeking out. Again, I could have done better on the back of the head. But, perhaps ill-advisedly, I would not be ashamed to leave the house and teach my classes like this.





I am going to go over the dye with the traditional, out-of-shower stuff soon, but I'm a bit burnt out on it for today. I definitely will need to get the top trimmed by somebody who knows what they're doing. It is SO thick, and it won't stand up if it gets much longer. But I'm pleased that I didn't completely botch this, but I'll admit there's a little something of finding your elementary-school-aged kid with scissors in her hand, hacking away at her own head.

The new semester has started for me, which means my easygoing summer is over and it's back to the grind. Tutoring's already begun, but classes start tomorrow.

I am reasonably prepared, I think. My lessons are ready to go. I'm feeling very confident about my two composition classes, but a little more nervous about my Business Writing workshop. I need to spend the first class (which is four hours long due to the compressed format) giving the students a grounding in writing in general before we dive into the specifics of the form. Teaching four-hour classes is challenging enough, but figuring out not only what is needed for this type of writing which is pretty different than typical academic writing makes it tougher. I've spent a lot of time thinking about it, so I may be worrying over nothing, but I hope I do okay.

My schedule is a good one for me. Basically my work week is I have three days on of teaching and two days off for prep and grading. I mean, realistically weekends are going to end up being for prep and grading too, but perhaps I can use the time in a focused enough manner to make that unnecessary. And they are spaced out such that I have at least one solid day to prepare for each teaching day. That consolidation means a lot less driving, which makes thing infinitely better for me, as I'll have good solid chunks in a comfortable environment to get work done. I'm hoping this will make having an extra class this semester go a little easier, especially when we get into rehearsals for this Arisia's Mrs. Hawking plays.

I have all my stuff ready for tomorrow. I packed up my big purse with my syllabi and handouts. I have lunch ready to take with me so I won't have to come home in the middle of the day. And I picked a work dress that will complement my hair. Yes, I have decided to keep my pink hair. There's no rule against it at Lesley, and my superiors have seen it and had no adverse reaction, so I'm going for it. I touched it up tonight, so that it looks good for my first impression. Can't hurt to make a good showing the first time people meet you. I'm still a little concerned it may make me look like a kid in front of my students and possibly diminish my authority in their eyes, but I'll just have to make sure I assert myself. My pink hair was the change I was craving for a while, and I'm not ready to get rid of it yet.

At the end of this week, all my enormous commitments for the last several months will be fulfilled. I am going to have a very light summer, which I am incredibly glad and excited for, that even begins with basically a three-week break even from my day job in the gap between spring and summer trimesters. So I practically have a summer vacation, like back when I was in school!

I don’t want to LOAD MYSELF UP WITH COMMITMENTS RAWR. That’s my normal MO with any free time, and I know I need a break from deadlines, responsibilities, and appointments. But though I’d like to get more sleep and spend more evenings at home, I’d would like to use the time to work on stuff that’s fun and meaningful to me. So here’s some ideas of the stuff I’d like to pursue at least on a casual basis for the next three or four months.

STUFF I’M DEFINITELY DOING

Going back on my diet. I felt so good and looked freaking amazing on my smoothie and paleo diet, so I’m going to put myself back on it. It’s tough transitioning from sugar and carbs, but once I push through that I like how it makes me look and feel.

Start exercising again. Like my diet, my exercise regime had me in really great shape and health. I’d like to get back on that regular schedule for it. I may even return to circuit training appointments. I’ll be making less money for the next few months, though, so I’ll have to see if that’s in the budget.

Fix up my skin. My skincare routine has COMPLETELY gone by the wayside, and my acne is worse than it’s been in forever. I really need to get it sorted out. Having the time to take proper care of it made a big difference, and I’m hoping having less stress will help too.

STUFF I’D LIKE TO DO

Journal every day. My blog is really important to me and I’ve been too busy to keep it up. I want to go back to posting at least every week day, to have a record of my life and thoughts, as well as a way to keep present in the thoughts of the people who read it.

Throw a party. I love having parties, and I haven’t done it in forever. Maybe just the “cool people come over” kind or maybe with a theme. Like, a Fancy Party where everyone must dress up, or a Costume Party to make up for how I missed Halloween this past year.

Write seriously. I haven’t been doing much writing and it’s seriously slowed down my output. I want to not let the responsibilities of work or production make it so I’m no longer generating work. Not sure which project to focus on— Mrs. Hawking part 4? Adonis 2? Something else? —but I’d like to make some significant progress on something.

Learn how to do makeup. At least, better than I can right now. I’ve actually gotten pretty okay at basic, pretty, semi-natural makeup, but watching so much RuPaul’s Drag Race has gotten me fascinating with the transformative powers of makeup artistry and there’s a bunch of looks that I’d love to learn how to master.

Rework my Problem of the Protagonist theory. This is an idea I’ve been developing as a literary critic that I’ve recently done some mental refining on. I should do a rewrite of it to reflect the progress I’ve made. I think it’s actually a really useful idea and I’d like to make it as clear and precise as I can.

Write up the GM notes for my latest tabletop roleplay mod. I wrote this recently to run for inwaterwrit and some friends, and it came out better than it had any right to given how swamped I’ve been. Entitled “Silver Lines” and set in New York in 1889, it involved Mary and Arthur from the Mrs. Hawking series, and included some cool characters and interesting history. I’d like to write down the information needed to GM the thing so I don’t lose it.

Finish Lady Got Back. This is my idea for a parody of Baby Got Back about Victorian bustles. I have a lot that I like so far but it isn’t quite done yet. I’d love to finish it and then find somebody to record it in a perfect posh Victorian accent. That would be hilarious.

Rewatch all the Marvel movies. Just for fun. Not everything has to be work, right? That’s what vacation is for!

STUFF I’M CONSIDERING

Changing my hair. I’ve still got this bee in my bonnet, I’m afraid. I was kind of disappointed by my attempt to go blonde, as it seemed to just fade to a light brown after like two washes, so it didn’t really satisfy my craving for something really different. Part of me wants to use the fact that I have no real need for a professional presentation this summer to try something really unusual— an unnatural color, an undercut? –and if I hate it, let it grow out or dye it back or whatever before the classes I’m teaching start this fall. But as usual, I’m nervous about not liking it, as I hate not feeling pretty, and the last attempt was really not worth the great expense.

Drag myself out. Related to my desire to develop greater facility with makeup, I’ve wanted to see if I could make myself look like a boy for a long time now. It might be fun to actually attempt it, with makeup and clothes and all that.

Work on my fashion designs. I know it’s not the best use of my time, because I don’t really have the time or resources to fully realize it in any way, but last October I started drawing up some ideas for a collection as a change of pace from my current creative work. It kind of has a post-apocalyptic aesthetic to it and I think I came up with some really cool stuff, so part of me would love to play around with it more and refine the ideas.

Make a costume of some kind. Don’t know what, but I haven’t been exercising my sewing or design skills enough recently. Maybe I should make something for a Hawking play, or maybe try my hand at a cosplay.

Record vocal diaries. I’ve been thinking about this for a while, like blogging by voice rather than by text. I might start with stuff I’ve already written just to try it, and then branch into doing podcast-like new things on various topics. Maybe I’d review stuff, or just do new blog entries that way.

So that’s all the stuff I’m considering. Almost certainly won’t do all of it, and maybe new ideas will occur to me. But I’m really looking forward to having a lower-key life for a while, where I can do stuff that seems fun rather than just stuff that’s become a responsibility.

No, this isn't me making good on my threat to rhapsodize over each of Chris Evans's individual attractive features in turn. Okay, there's a little of that in here, but I swear I have more of a point. This is about costume design.

If you're like me, and you are closely attuned to the tiniest details of the presentation of the most physically desireable man in existence, you may have noticed that Steve Rogers's hair changes between his original 1940s look introduced in the first Cap movie...






...and the updated look in The Winter Soldier.






(Yes, those are all from a personal collection in my photo library.)

Or maybe you (like Bernie, who has already been subjected to this rant) didn't notice the styling of his hair at all. But I actually think it was a significant design choice, with a lot of meaning in it, and it's a change I'm not sure I'm on board with.

Now, don't get me wrong. I love Cap's hair, at least from an aesthetic standpoint. Whether old-fashioned or modern, short, blond, and styled is my favorite look for the man who IS just about my favorite way anything looks in the universe. So from a plain prettiness standpoint, I'm cool with it. But from a costuming standpoint... I'm not sure I buy it.

Hear me out!

Look at THIS hairstyle they chose to use in Winter Soldier in particular. First of all, it's noticeably modern, particularly in contrast to the sideswept, side-parted, and likely pomaded 1940s good boy look we were introduced to him with. I know why they chose to update it. Probably partially to take advantage of Evans's boy-next-door good looks, but also, like all costuming and styling choices, to tell you something about the character. In this case, I think it's to show he's making an effort to adapt to the present day, to not live in the past. That's borne out in his acknowledgement of all the good changes since the 1940s, and his effort to learn about current culture.

But what bugs me is not that he has adopted a modern hairstyle-- it's that it's THIS hairstyle. 'Cause that look? Is NOT a roll-out-of-bed, low-effort, natural look. It's not even the Hollywood version of how average men wear their hair, where all the work of styling and product applied are deliberately concealed in order to create the illusion of natural hair. THAT hair is a clearly, obviously, carefully curated, meticulously designed, faux-messy style involving a lot of work and hair gel, associated with young, contemporary men who not only care about fashion and appearance, but about giving off a hip, current vibe to the people who see them.

I am a costume designer. I believe very strongly that truly good costuming (as with all aspects of production design) helps to tell the story. So the baggage the audience attaches to the clothing and styling of the characters should give them information about the characters and narrative.

So, diegetically... why would Cap have that? Now, he might not a be a stranger to styling product. He went into the ice a bit too early for the wet look of the 1950s, but he was probably pretty used to pomading things down as a matter of routine. But this modern look? Is LABOR INTENSIVE, and involves a fair bit of skill to execute those soft spikes and artful back sweep that's just the right height. In order to wear hair like that, he would not only have to put in the not-inconsiderable time and effort to do it every day, he'd have to deliberately learn how. Where from? I get the idea that he'd choose something more modern to indicate his attempt to update to the present day. But does he really strike you as the kind of guy who'd choose a high-maintenance style that could say anything from "trendster," "vanity," "metro," or even "douchebag"? I could see Steve, with his respectful, good-boy military background, wanting to be neat and turned out, but I don't see him as hip or invested in preening. To give you an idea, taken from this most excellent video, this is how a 1940s young man with a little bit of daring and vanity did his hair to be eye-catching:



Compare that to Steve's wartime look. Clearly he's a much more modest guy than that.

It's not that big a deal. Probably most people didn't even notice. And hell, other aspects of his presentation have more to do with his status in a superhero and the attendant stylistic choices-- I also doubt a truly diegetic Steve would wear his clothes that tight either.



But tight costumes are part of the superhero genre, Steve's extreme physique is likely going to fill out ANY article of clothing, and Hollywood is sure as hell going to show off that exquisite heroic figure. I'm the LAST PERSON ON GOD'S BLESSED EARTH to complain to you about that. Hell, I like the fanon joke that all the ladies at SHIELD told him that in the future, everyone wears their clothes that way.

But the hair bugged me. I felt like you could have communicated "Steve is trying to update" without making an out-of-character choice.

So I did what I was threatening to do, changed my hair color for the first time in my life. Because I wanted to be Betty Draper for Halloween but don’t have the right coloring for it, the idea occurred that maybe I could use the costume as an excuse to change it. The idea, once pondered, of a change seemed nice, not just for the costume but to try something new. I was nervous, because I was really afraid it wasn’t going to come out, and some stylists warned me off because of how big the transition was going to be. But you should do something drastic with your hair once in your life, and I never have. So, repeating to myself the mantra that it’s just hair, it grows back, I took the plunge.



I am actually pretty happy with it! It is noticeably a different color, not just a different shade of brown, and doesn’t have that brassy falseness a lot of brown-to-blonde dye jobs turn out. It’s honestly not exactly what I wanted— I was hoping for something a little lighter, a little more golden –and it’s not quite Betty’s color. But one Halloween costume is just the excuse, not the point, and I will take looking good over trying and failing for perfection. I was also concerned that my eyebrows would look odd still being so dark, but now that I think of it my mom's were darker than her hair too. For reference, here's the brown I was previously, in case the difference isn't obvious.



My younger self would be very surprised this was the direction I went in. But my tastes have gotten blonder as I’ve gotten older. I used to be drawn almost strictly to brunet men, but these days I’m finding blonds catch my eye more and more. I don’t know if it’s because of my favorite look for Chris Evans, or if my love for it is symptomatic of the larger pattern. Though I’ve always admired the looks of a number of blond women. I’ve always adored crearespero’s wavy golden hair, and that feature of course naturally made it into my visualization of Mrs. Hawking. There tends to be a particular shade I’ve gone for— not too dishwater, not too platinum, but that medium gold is my favorite.

And then, of course, there’s my mother. My ur-blonde, the first beautiful woman in my life. I remember when I was very small, wondering what I would look like as a grownup, and having a tough time picturing it for some reason because I wasn’t blonde like her. She was also the origin of my admiration for blondes with green eyes, a feature that Frances and therefore Mrs. Hawking share.



I’ve been working to remake myself in a way recently. The shape of my life, generally, but specifically my body. The diet and exercise have been to really to make me become more like what I feel is my true self. But this hair thing doesn’t feel really ME, not really PHOEBE. I thought that might make me uncomfortable. I’ve never been much of an experimenter before. I tend to find myself always working to get to the place I want to be, rather than seeing what possibilities are out there and trying them on knowing they won’t all be forever. So it’s very unlike me to make a change in the service of being something other than what I want to truly be. But I find I’m okay with it right now. It’s fun for right now, it makes me smile and shakes things up a little. Overall I like my natural hair better for me. But this is a nice change of pace.

I wonder if, now that I’ve made the transition, if I could make it more the blonder shade I imagined. I don’t want to over-process it. There was no bleach in this treatment, which I was told spared my hair a lot of damage. I also don’t feel like dealing with that now. But I’m curious, now that I know it’s possible to change at all without completely wrecking things.

I’ve been investing a lot of effort lately into working up the old mortal shell through which God would have me experience His creation. I am probably a little too wrapped up in my own vanity, but I also care about keeping myself healthy and in shape. It makes me feel really good to look pretty and feel strong, so though it adds a fair number of extra responsibilities to my list, for me it acts as a form of self-care.

( Content warning for body and diet talk to follow. )

I've taken to wearing my hair in these spiky headbands with large teeth these days. I first bought two of these to glue together make a sort of coronet for an Ancient Rome larp costume. I liked how the spikes sort of formed a tiara look. Then, later, I got a haircut, with the sideswept bangs I've taken to lately, but shorter than usual. I found the headbands in the drawer, picked off the hot glue, and started using them to hold keep those tiny bangs out of my face, since they wouldn't go back in a ponytail.



It works well to keep hair off my face, which is supposed to be good for my acne. If I put it in right, it can push the hair in front up a bit, giving a little bit of volume at my hairline. And if I angle it right, the spikes stick up and look like a crown. I've been wearing it a lot in the last few months, as it makes me look at least presentable when my hair's not cooperating. But I hope it doesn't come off as settling. I know I look my best with my hair down, framing my rather round face and giving it definition. I hope it actually looks good, and not like I'm going with something easy and practical instead of pretty. I am vain enough that I'm willing to go to a fair bit of extra trouble to look better.

The teaser trailer for Thor 2: The Dark World has been released. It looks fun, though it's hard to tell much about it yet. I remember when the first one came out I had zero interest in seeing it, as I had not really seen just how pretty Chris Hemsworth was in it, and I thought the character of Marvel's Thor was irredeemably stupid. (I kind of still think that, at least when it comes to the comics version, and I have and will continue to maintain that with the exception of Iron Man, all the major Marvel heroes are written substantially different in the films than they are in the source material.) But the film ended up being a lot better than I thought it was going to be, and introduced me to the charming Messieurs Hemsworth and Hiddleston.

One thing thought I had about this, though. I may be reading too much into this, but something struck me about their hair in the end of the trailer. Their hair has changed with every movie, but the character of this change is interesting to me.




It strikes me as oddly... delicate, somehow, perhaps even to the point of femininity. Thanks to my following of aurora_knight's Tumblr, I have had more than a little occasion to see how certain slash fan tends to depict these two in fanart. Delicacy and femininity is the usual spin these artists tend to put on their work. Could this possibly be an example of playing to the tastes/aesthetics of this segment of the fans? Would they be aware enough of that, or have any interest in addressing it or appealing to it? Or am I totally reading too deep into this?

The morning before the first Saturday Holmes show, I went to an audition in a tiny theater in Burlington for a production called DREAM, a slightly redited and reimagined version of Midsummer. I was not really feeling it at the time, I was still a little off from the previous night's migraine, but I already had an appointment, so I went. My default female Shakespearean audition monologue these days happens to be Helena's "how happy some o'er other some must be." I know some consider it gauche to try out with a piece from the show at hand. It has the possibility to come off as angling for a particular role, which I know kind of irks me as a director. If you want to be something in particular, just ask me to consider you for it, okay? Don't try to sneak it in like you want me to think it's my idea. Don't try to manipulate me; I'm the director, I manipulate you. Anyway. I had no brain to prepare anything else, so in with Helena I went. I actually thought I did pretty well, considering I wasn't feeling my best, and promptly forgot about it because of Sherlock consuming my brain.

Got an e-mail a few days later from the director saying she liked my audition and hoped to use me, but that she needed to work out the age ranges of the couples. I was slightly surprised by that-- I was just paired romantically with men older than me in Holmes and that worked fine, and as for younger, well, how much younger could you get than me and still be going to auditions without your mom to drive you? So I didn't hear anything for a while-- again, too consumed by Holmes to much care --until on a whim last night I shot the director an e-mail wondering if she'd made any progress on the cast. I got the response this morning, and discovered that she has asked me to play of all characters Helena, the very part I auditioned with. 

I was pleased to accept. It's a good part and a fun one. I never expected katiescarlett29and I to share a role! I look forward to being a needy, histrionic mess. And the director asked me not to cut my hair this summer so they can make it look really big and create the illusion of height. She did ask me on my way out of the audition how tall I was, a relevant question for a Helena, and admittedly at five-four I am not quite the "tall personage" called for in the script. Physically I am more a short, dark Hermia-type. And here I was looking forward to chopping it all off in a fit of pique. Apparently I am fated to elaborate product-laden updos in the service of theater. I hope I look like a rock star from the 80s. It'll help give me the whole crazy ex vibe. I imagine the whole experience will be quite different from my last turn in Midsummer, where I spent most of my time crawling around like a forest critter and watching people while they slept.


You may recall that creepy thing sneaking up on Bottom, played to perfection by morethings5, is me as Puck several years ago. And hey, guess this whole "Phoebe playing women" thing is catching on! This makes cisgendered role number three for me, and only my second Shakespearean woman after Cordelia.

The rehearsal schedule is short and intense, basically running for the month of August. We are to come with already off-book and go, just like we did with To Think of Nothing. That suits me, as I'll get a little over a month to relax and not worry where my next theater fix is coming from. The performances should be at the end of the month or just after.

All that remains, I am told, is to find me a Demetrius. Apparently they don't have one yet. The director said she wants someone short-- whether that means "short for a man" or "shorter than you, Phoebe" I'm not sure --and to send anyone her way who might want to try out. She's going to be hearing people on July 7th, probably at the same little theater in Burlington where I auditioned, so if any of you vertically efficient gentlemen wish to have the experience of me with huge hair clinging to your leg, I can hook you up with the details.