Fuzzyheaded ninnyhammer

[breakinglight11]

As you may have seen in various pictures on Facebook, I have cut my hair.



I've had long hair my whole life, and generally have had a preference for it, for myself, and for the majority of women whose appearance appealed to me. I went from hip-length with bangs that ate my whole head in my childhood to growing out the bangs to cutting it to shoulder blade-length in the beginning of college. For years I'd relied on long layers that I never got refreshed often enough. The failed attempt to turn it blonde two years ago and the much more successful dyeing it to pink last year were the only major changes I ever made to it as an adult.



I don't know what possessed me to hack it off. Probably mostly just craving a change, but also because I just wanted to look a little bit "cooler" somehow— whatever the hell that even means. I'm a vain enough person that I get really upset if I don't think I look good according to my own particular aesthetic. If I ended up appreciably less pretty, I would be pretty grouchy until it grew back out to something I found flattering.

But my whole adult life, I've been wishing for, and trying to do everything to make, my appearance to be less "soft." I like my weight low to keep my figure lean and hard; I don't want curves, I want lines and angles, flat planes, defined bones. When I think of the things I'd fix about my face, it's always wishing for my features to be "sharper" and "tighter"— a more angular face shape, a more pointed nose, for the line of my jaw to be harder (with less of a hint of age-related jowliness in my future). I wanted to try and see if "harder-edged" hairstyle might help take away some of that "softness" I see.



I didn't like it when I first walked out of the salon. But learning how to try to style it has made me come around, especially because I have a lot of options to try. It has been kind of fun learning to do it. I was never really able to execute anything with my long hair and tended to default to down, in a ponytail, or in mashed into a messy bun. I’m finding the short hair responds to products a little more easily and am trying different things. I like it best, I think, when it stands up like a bird crest. It makes me look more ferocious, which is kind of the effect I’m hoping for.



Though I do wonder if men will find me less attractive. I mean, not that I want to make strangers come up and talk to me or anything, but I like it when people who look at me across a room think I'm pretty. I wish I didn't care about that, but I do. I’m not actively pursuing modeling right now, but I bet I’d get less work. I so miss the way the long hair framed my face, which probably ultimately was prettier. Of course, I spend so much goddamn time staring at my face it doesn't look like a face anymore. Sort of like when you say a word over and over again, it starts sounding weird and loses all meaning.

I will probably not keep it this way forever. But it’s fun to play around with for now. I’m particularly hoping that as I get better at styling it, I will get happier with it.