All Eyes on Me

Blargh. I screwed up today in a way that made me get on my students’ cases for not being on top of their stuff. But when I investigated further, it was my mistake, not theirs, because a change I made to my teacher resource had not propagated to their student resource.

When I realized, I took responsibility and apologized to them. I feel bad and awkward about it, like I’ve undermined myself and my credibility next time I try to set standards for them. But maybe it’s good to model an authority figure owning up when you are in the wrong, and saying you’re sorry for what you did.

Just finished my very last bit of student feedback on research papers. With that, I am finally done with my fall semester. Took me long enough!

This also concludes my first semester as a full-time faculty instructor at Lesley. My feelings a bit complex on it. I’m very grateful I had the opportunity; it was a really good career step for me. I also think I did very good work. I worked extremely hard and I’d say pretty successfully to support my students; with the level of intervention I was able to put in, everyone in my classes passed except one, with many others helped in other sections as well. I’m proud of how well I did on that level.

But I have to admit, it was harder on me that I thought it would be. That level of proactive outreach and direct student intervention was a lot of work— I think in some ways because of being an introvert. It was a lot of bothering people and intense personal contact. And I never did really figure out the right boundary to draw on making myself available to students. Unless I had a preexisting appointment of some kind, I mostly just met them whenever they could, even if it was outside of my office hours and inconvenient. It took a lot out of me, to the point where it made me feel like I wasn’t up to the task.

I did have maybe two weeks in there where I felt like I was getting the hang out of it— but it was very late in the semester, much later than I expected, and then preparation for finals crashed in. During that time I had so many students who needed help I was doing almost double the amount of meeting hours, and it threw off all my equilibrium again. So, I don’t know, maybe I did actually reach a turning point and the last handful of weeks were just worse; maybe it won’t feel so hard without that volume of kids. But it was kind of discouraging to feel like I had to work SO HARD just to get the job done. Like, if I were better at it, it wouldn’t be so hard.

I’ve been thinking about what, if anything, I may be able to adjust for this coming semester. There are limitations to what’s in my control, but if there is anything, I’d like to find it. I think the trouble is this position is temporary until I can prove it’s worth the money, so I feel such pressure to go ABOVE AND BEYOND so they’ll let me keep it. So drawing reasonable boundaries on my time and availability is tough, for fear that I won’t end up being useful enough. It’s good for me to have this job, so I’d like it to continue. But I think I need to change something about the way I do it. Unfortunately, that may not be an option until (unless) the question of whether I’m worth it is resolved.

It’s been about two weeks since a couple of major life changes went into effect— Bernie and I moved into together into a new place we’re renting in Newton, and I started my new job as a full-time instructor at Lesley University.

These changes were very, very welcome for me; I’ve been feeling a bit stuck in place in these aspects of my life for a while now, so I’m delighted to have made these big forwards steps. Bernie and I finally got to end our seven-year period of long distance, and I really love being in our new place. It feels like a weight’s off me being in a home that feels like ours. Having roommates was tough on me, and Bernie and I getting to be together in the day to day and do things are own way is something I’ve been dreaming of for a long time. It might just be the excitement of the new and fresh right now, but I think this is going to make for a serious improvement in my everyday mental health.

I’ve also, basically at the same time, begun a new position at my longtime employer Lesley as a full-time faculty instructor instead of just an adjunct. This is a really big career step forward for me, so I’m very happy of the opportunity. If you know anything about the current state of academia, you know that full-time teaching posts have become harder and harder to come by, with most of the teaching load filled with part-time adjuncts that are not well-compensated. Getting to move up in an institution from adjunct to full-timer is a pretty big deal, especially with how competitive the market is. Considering more and more if not most faculty have PhDs now, I’m pretty proud of the fact that my accomplishments were sufficient to be hired even though I only have an MFA. It’s more money than I’ve ever made too, and while I’ve for many years held multiple part-time jobs, this is the first real salaried full-time position I’ve ever had.

Setting up a new house and starting a new job all at once, however, is a LOT. The house is coming together, but it’s been slow going, especially since we don’t have quite enough furniture for it. And I really love the place, but it’s definitely nicer than our stuff is! Still, I don’t want to just buy a bunch of things before I’m sure what we really want to live with. I haven’t even begun to work out my office, and the kitchen is only fifty percent of truly functional, so there’s still a lot left to figure out.

And the job is a lot as well. I have a large mentoring component in addition to my classes. I really appreciate not having to drive between multiple schools, but a very high level of student support outside of class is an explicit part of my position. I’m still figuring out what my days are going to look like, what the most effective student support strategies are, and how best to manage my time. I’m supposed to help with passing and retention rates, which is kind of a tall order, but if I do well, there’s a chance my currently-one-year-appointment could be made permanent.

All this means I’ve been busy enough that I’ve done basically no creative work since September started. It feels really strange, but I’m trying to just be okay with it. I think I need to prioritize building the new shape of my life right now, since laying those foundations well will put me in a better position later. And I really don’t want to burn myself out, seeing as these life and work chores simply have to get done. Bernie and I already decided we’re not having a live Hawking performance at Arisia this year, only sending our filmed recordings and maybe a Q&A if they want it, and with both of us in new jobs and the move it becomes even clearer it was the right decision.

So, good things have happened! Though they are a lot of work. :-D

I’ve been wearing eyeshadow to work very consistently lately. I kind of started doing it regularly over the course of lockdown, with all the meetings on Zoom. It was a nice way to do something different when other people could see me, since I was spending so much of my time on my own. Now I’m teaching in a mask, and my eyes are the only part of my face that my students can see. If I wear good eye makeup, then there’s something distinctive about me that can strike them. My vanity likes to be looked at. And I’ve gotten a lot of compliments from students who liked it in the last year, so I think it’s worth it to make the impression on them.

I’m much better at it than I used to be, or at least I think so. I watched a bunch of Youtube tutorials and have gotten a lot more practice. I don’t try anything particularly unconventional— I just stick with the pretty much universally flattering principles. Darkness on the outer edge of the eye, brightness on the inner edge, so that even eyeliner and crease color stops about two thirds of the way over, and slant the outside upward so it looks lifted. I use basically the application style every time, just in different color schemes.

Neutrals probably look best on me, from a purely flattering standpoint, though I’ve been experimenting with colors. I have bought several palettes from Juvia’s Place, which are well-priced, black owned, and very good quality, though it’s prone to glitter shades and I’m not really a shimmer fan. Trouble is I often find I can’t tell if the look I’ve chosen is too much to be professional, just because of the presence of color even if it’s otherwise the same application. I still avoid blue, but I have done orange, dark red, yellow, and purple. I want to do green but I haven’t yet managed to figure out how to keep it from being overwhelming, and I love grays but the palette I currently have may be too shimmery. Not like my work demands I be buttoned down, but I don’t want it to seem too much for daytime.

Maybe I should only use one bright color anywhere in the eye, in order to keep its presence subdued. The style I do requires like five different colors, and I will often use all variations on one hue. But maybe if I keep them all neutrals like browns except for maybe the lid, the effect might work more subtly while still having some colorful presence. I guess I need more practice.

We came to Arisia 2020, we saw, and we conquered. Mrs. Hawking VI: FALLEN WOMEN was a success. I burst with pride at how we have yet again managed to top ourselves. I feel like the feedback this year was not only positive, but extremely enthusiastic. I was never before stopped in the hallways so many times as this by people who wanted to tell me how much they liked it.

Now I am slowly putting myself back together after the Hawking Arisia shows. My life always kind of falls to the wayside during tech week and performance weekend, but I’m pulling it back together bit by bit.

I am cleaning my house. There are so many things to put away from the show, and I can’t stand when my space is crowded by stuff. It’s an undertaking, but mostly everything is now back in its place. I even managed to get all the costumes back into the costume closet after cleaning, despite there being ten more from this round of production than the previous. The whole place requires a good scrubbing, from the surfaces to the floors, since I’ve neglected it since the show down to the wire. But I can’t really dig into that until all the properties are out of the way.

I am also getting back to my schedule. My workouts, my reading, my drawing. Carrying set piece filled in nicely for working out, but now I’m back to my typical exercise at the gym. I wrote recently about how I’ve gotten myself back into books by making myself read at least ten minutes a day by setting a timer, and found that worked very well for me. I’ve also started listening to audio books as I go about my day, and I’ve torn through quite a few classic British mysteries— Hercule Poirot, Lord Peter Wimsey —that way already. And I’ve drawn my daily portrait. I think even losing as few as ten days of practices kind of set me back, but I have seen general improvement over the sixty or so I’ve done since I started. That pleases me immensely.

Work has started back up. I had a ten-or-so-day period where the show was over and my classes were just getting going where I had little responsibility, and it was nice, but that’s ended now. I only have two classes this semester because the other two were yet again cancelled due to low enrollment, which means I have to return to tutoring. I’m very grateful that’s still an option, thanks to my very wonderful boss there Bill, but I’d prefer just to be teaching classes. That suits me better and puts me in a better financial position, but it’s so tough to make happen for the spring semesters. I guess at least I won’t have as much to grade.

And I’ve got to get back to writing. After an INSANELY productive period, maybe the most prolific of my life, from May 2018 to August 2019, I lost all that steam and barely wrote anything from that time up to now. I have noodled on some things and scribbled down some ideas, but very little actual generation. It’s not the end of the world, as I was busy with work and producing the newest Mrs. Hawking show. But it’s time to get back into the swing of things. Bernie and I want to give some thought to the next Hawking while we’re riding high from the success of part six— especially since this is the first time in a long time we didn’t know exactly where we wanted to go. I have to editing work to do on my pilots. And I really need to dig into editing my novel, which in its current form is embarrassingly bad, but I got some recent feedback from Nuance and Mark I want to try to do something with.

I’m hoping to take this recent positivity and carry it forward.

One step back.

It's looking like I will be returning to tutoring for the semester at Bunker Hill Community College. It's not a bad gig by any means, particularly for a writer and teacher— I'm decently good at it, plus in the downtime I can work on writing projects — and I'm incredibly grateful to Bill, the awesome person who I work for there, for being willing to help me when I need the extra work.

But it feel a little like a step backwards professionally to be returning to it. I left it initially in May 2017 because I got hired to write at Evil Overlord Games, which was a dream job, but sadly that endeavor didn't make enough money to last. I'm still in mourning over not being able to do that anymore, my favorite gig I've ever had. After that, I had two semesters where I was teaching enough college classes to not need to tutor. But as I've mentioned, I lost my North Shore classes due to low enrollment, and I don't make enough without that to just stick with my Lesley teaching.

So it's not an ideal situation. Again, I'm grateful Bill is willing to hire me back, as I need the cash. But the schedule is a little inconvenient— looks like I'll have one evening I can't schedule rehearsal as I'll be working —on top of feeling like I thought I'd secured enough teaching positions to have moved on. Ah, well. We do what we have to do. And I have other projects I'm focusing on that I'm hoping will go somewhere, so whatever pays the bills in the meantime.

Since it's almost halfway through the summer, I thought I'd give a report while I actually have a moment.

I've been at my new job with Evil Overlord Games for almost a month now, and I think it's going well! I am definitely enjoying it, and I'm working very hard to do well. I've produced an enormous amount of writing, though I'm still getting used to the situation of doing it for a set time for an entire workday. Creativity on a regular schedule takes some adapting! But I'm enjoying the challenge, and I am very determined to deliver good work. This past week I was working as fast as I could in an effort to meet a deadline, so it will likely call for a lot of editing, but getting it down on the page is always the biggest challenge for me.

I've also been working on drafting Mrs. Hawking part 4, tentatively titled Gilded Cages. (I'm not crazy about that title, but I'm not sure what else to call it.) What I've got so far is very rough, but I've made a good start-- as I've mentioned, I've got to just get some garbage on the page in order to have some material to work with and improve. It's been a bit harder and weirder, given that I've got so much other writing to do lately, but having my day job provide way more writing responsibilities is actually a pretty good problem to have.

I'm also in tech week for Murders and Scandals, the PMRP double feature of Murders in the Rue Morgue and A Scandal in Bohemia. I must say, it has been quite some time before I've had a tech week that was this low-intensity, given I've been doing the piece-heavy Mrs. Hawking shows. We open this coming weekend at Responsible Grace in Somerville, so check out our schedule of performances to see which show you can make!

Well, Easter has come and gone, and that means I have completed my Lenten resolution to give up procrastination during that time. I actually celebrated the weekend by NOT SPENDING THE WHOLE THING WORKING for once, which has not been something that I've been able to do in weeks, and it was refreshing. I held to my resolution quite well actually, and I stayed on top of my work with very little time wasted screwing around before actually getting to my responsibilities.

Unfortunately, that level of focus and self-discipline has left me worn out. My rest this past weekend was helpful and very much needed, but now I've gone into the following week unsure of whether I can keep up that level of effort. I'm already off the grading schedule I made due to having a much more chaotic Monday than I expected to, and an outside project deadline I set for myself has eaten up a lot of time today. I generally find I can't focus on essay grading for very long-- it is sooooo focus-intensive and boring, easily the worst part about teaching --so I break it down into grading a handful a day until the due date. But maybe I should try setting aside a chunk of time and just trying to power through. I usually hate doing that, but perhaps the shakeup in my routine might help, and I'll actually have longer chunks of time to get other things done.

A continual problem I have is that the most efficient way to run my life is also very exhausting. I get good results but can't maintain it without burnout for long. But when I ease up, I find other things crash down on me, like work piling up that starts to feel like a crisis. I'm not sure what the right balance is.

I have reluctantly taken on a few more hours of tutoring this semester. I can really use the extra cash, for several reasons, not least of which because it's looking like I'll need to have some expensive dental surgery in the near future. Despite being told as recently as a couple years ago that they were fine, apparently my wisdom teeth are going to have to come out after all. I'm really unhappy about that, first because I do not relish the time spent out of commission due to how long it takes me to shake anesthetic. I might even need somebody to babysit me as I come out of it, as my history suggests it hits me very hard. The last time I had it when I was nineteen and had to be put under for a minor eye surgery, I was ridiculous and combative when I first woke up, then slept for like twelve solid hours, and then for the next day I was foggy, stupid, and not of totally sound judgment. Ugh. So at least for the beginning it's probably not the safest thing for me to be alone, but I hate to waste somebody's time with that.

And then there's the cost. It's looking to be extremely expensive, and my stupid insurance doesn't take much of a dent out of it. Overall, even before the extra hours I'm supposed to be making more this semester than last, but because of the schedule I'm getting paid on I haven't seen it yet, so this is a way of dealing with things more immediately. I'm not delighted to make my already full schedule even fuller, but I'm grateful that my work is flexible enough that I can do this at a time I need to. A lot of that is down to Bill, my awesome boss, so I'm particularly grateful for him.

I had my first class of the new semester yesterday, and it actually left me really excited. I get to teach a real Literature class this time around, not just a comp class I decided to theme around stories, which means the kids in it are actually interested in literary analysis and not just stuck in my class because they got put there. I have hope that will lead to more robust and participatory discussions, as they'll hopefully want to think and talk about stories since they've decided to take the class.

They seemed like a good group, with enthusiasm and a willingness to engage, which seems like a good sign. I did note that they appear to be entirely white, which was quite different from last semester's much more diverse composition classes-- close to a fifty-fifty split between white kids and PoC. Gender-wise, however, I have a couple of trans kids this time, and only a handful of boys. Lesley used to be an all-girls school back in the day, so any given class doesn't tend to have a lot of boys, but I definitely have fewer now.

I am also pleased with myself that I remembered to make a first-day change I'd been planning for a while-- take a moment to ask the kids what their references were in literature and art. I had a problem last semester that none of my kids seemed particularly familiar with anything I alluded to, so I wanted to get a baseline for where they were coming from. Amusingly, not all of the kids cottoned to the fact that I wanted their LITERARY grounding, not just random pieces of culture they had feelings about, but I still feel like I learned something I can use to help them make connections to later. It not only gave me information, but it kind of acted like an icebreaker-- who doesn't like talking about the things they like and don't like? So I think it was a good idea, and I plan to use it in all literature-related classes I teach going forward.