All Eyes on Me

I have almost completely restored my house from the chaos of the multi-mini-tech week state it has been in since we started filming for the socially distanced Hawking shows. When assembling all the props and costumes for the plays under normal circumstances, I have to pull out all the pieces from their various carefully-packed storage spaces in the lead up to dress rehearsals, and then for tech week. It takes up a ton of space in the house, keeping all that stuff accessible for use. And since I had to pack things up in stages, and didn't want to have to continually drag them in and out of storage, my living space has been crowded with properties for weeks now.

I really don't like clutter, so while it was the most efficient choice for the process, it was really starting to stress me out. But we're nearing the end of the filming schedule, with only five more actors left to capture. So I decided to take the time to pack up everything needed for those remaining and set it aside, and so everything else could go away. The prop boxes got repacked, the costumes for previous shoots lined up in the closet. I have everything still needed hung up on the clothing rack in my studio, or packed in bags just beneath it. My surfaces are empty, my floors are clear again.

I can't express how much lighter and clearer I feel with my space neat again. I actually think my brain works better. I think I need this, with how exhausting a process this has been.

But now all I want to do is lie in the middle of my clean room and stare at it.

I have been bitching and moaning a lot lately about the amount of costuming I own. It's just getting to the point where it's outgrown the storage space I have for it and encroaching on living space. I'm lucky in that I have a lot of closets and places to tuck boxes away, but I have had to get increasingly inventive and put things in places where I find them an imposition. I think the only real answer is to do a serious culling, but I'm reluctant to do it due to the nature of building and making use of this particular kind of collection.

The Victorian stuff is the most important part of it. I need it for the Mrs. Hawking plays, given how large an element lush and attractive costuming is for those shows. In the most recent piece, Mrs. Frost, most characters had three or four outfits, and nobody had less than two. We have mostly the same cast coming back for the performances, but I try to keep some alternative sizes on hand in case a new actor has to sub in. Having multiple options that way makes the collection larger with things that don't often get used, but it's necessary to accommodate changes with any efficiency.

Since that's the majority of what I'm doing right now, it might make sense to keep only the Victorian stuff. But I have so many things that are unique and interesting such that if I ever do get rid of them, they're basically irreplaceable. They were dug out of cleared-out theater storage, or found in thrift stores. They don't get used often at this point, but I often find I have exactly the perfect thing for a larp, or another show, or to lend to somebody who needs it that I can't bear the thought of tossing the cool interesting stuff even if it doesn't get much call. I just repurposed a dance costume I bought for "Lame Swans", the photographic graphic novel I made in grad school for an Intercon costume I'm really pleased with. That thing's been shoved in a plastic bin for like five or six years, because I liked it too much to get rid of it. I feel vindicated in a way. But it doesn't solve my storage problem, or the feeling of being overwhelmed by the space demands of my collection. Hell, I still have ALL the costuming from the Lame Swans project, including enough simple solid colored skirted dance leotards to outfit a small army. SERIOUSLY, IF YOU NEED TO DRESS AN ARMY OF SOLID COLORED BALLERINAS, HIT ME UP. I GOT RED, PURPLE, DARK BLUE, AND LIGHT BLUE.



I was also struck pretty strongly by the experience of dressing the ensemble for the large ballroom scene on the Mrs. Hawking film. I used almost every single ballgown and tuxedo piece I owned— WHICH IS A LOT —to make that happen, and it would have been literally impossible if I hadn't had so much at my fingertips. I found that process to be pretty brutal, honestly, even with the enormous amount of help Jenn gave me to get everybody actually properly dressed, so the idea of anything that might have made it harder is kind of terrifying. But it makes me even more nervous to get rid of stuff, because I've seen how much help it can be to have it on hand.

I think I need to sit down with an obliging friend (Jenn seems like a good candidate) who can help me get some outside perspective on what's actually special enough to keep and what is just taking up space. It occurs to me that the weird color obsession I have with dressing the Hawking characters might help me make decisions about the Hawking stuff. For example, light blue womenswear has been pretty exclusively limited to Mary and Frost, so if I've got a light blue piece that neither of them is likely to wear, I should probably thank it for its service and release it into the wild, Marie Kondo-style. I think an additional brain or two with less subjective concerns might help.

If I don't do something, I may be crushed to death in the impending tuxedo-pants-and-eighties-prom-dress avalanche.

I spent all of today picking away at the large task that has been nagging at me for weeks now, the cleaning, purging, and organizing of my living space. I have been in such a brain fog, it's the most productive thing I can manage when I'm struggling to think straight.

I divided things into "task areas" to create discrete benchmarks and break things down into more manageable chunks. There are a lot of them, and some of them are worse than others. I am dreading tackling the low table in my office where I've basically just been tossing all my papers, and my sewing and craft table is an absolute nightmare. But I handled a few of the smaller, less intimidating problems and made some decent progress.



I started with little my bookshelf, which not only had a handful of books that I was never going to read, had been taken over by programs from old shows I'd seen and didn't really care about keeping anymore. The crap had built up to the point where the little pins holding up the shelf in the middle had broken and it collapsed on top of the lower level. But I realized I had two shelf brackets— less than ideal ones, since they had closet bar holders on them —and if I braced them in properly on the sides, it could support the shelf. I should probably replace the whole thing, since it's just cheap office furniture, but I'm trying to be economical right now. I made sure to put the books I've been lent by people on the outside, so I remember to return them. Apologies if you see something of yours you want back!

You may also notice the rat's nest of old iPhone ear pods on the top. I must test them all to see which of the probably EIGHT OLD PAIRS is worth keeping with lightning adaptors on them, in case I yet again misplace my wireless ones. But for some reason I find the thought of it exhausting, thus having just left them as a nest.



I also finally found an actual use for my weird little compartmentalized tapestry box. I've had it for a number of years now, having impulse-bought it in a thrift store like many of my dumber possessions, and originally used it to keep sewing supplies. That's my best guess as to what it was originally designed for, and I tried to make use of it as a little mobile sewing station to take on-site when I was doing costume work. But honestly it never really suited that use, even if I wasn't trying to lug it places, and less and less sewing stuff ended up in it over time.

I was contemplating returning it to the thrift store from whence I came when it struck me as a better solution for my makeup that I want to keep but don't use on a regular basis. I think the layout of it serves the shape of the items better, and I believe I'll find it much more convenient to access for the occasions I do need extra brushes or unusual eyeshadow colors. And it freed up a plastic organizer to hold the stuff I want to keep on my vanity table.



I've also done a little work dealing with the enormous amount of CLOTHES, daily wear, costuming, and otherwise, I currently own. I had to deal with the enormous pile of Mrs. Hawking costumes that was occupying all my office space, but was dreading trying to fit it all into the closets. I stripped out the stuff I borrowed from Jenn, washed it, and packed it away to be returned, but that hardly made a dent in it, seeing as I had to acquire a TON of extra stuff for the new show.

As you can see, my actual clothing takes up only about a quarter of the space in there, as this closet extends a few feet further into the wall on the other side. HAWKING PROPERTIES RUN MY LIFE, Y'ALL. But even though it doesn't look like much, honestly I don't think I like or wear it all— I need to take some time soon to examine if all that stuff makes me feel good to put on, or look like the kind of person I want to be. At least the black bags in the bottom will be gone soon, as they will shortly be returned to Jenn and Circe with the pieces they kindly lent me for the show.



There was so much that I finally ripped down the bar in the small closet where I keep less frequently-needed costume pieces, plus my dresses. I screwed in reinforced heavy-duty metal holders for the bar to rest on, which appears to have taken care of it. But Clara's astrakhan and Mrs. Hawking's enormous ballgown are pushing it to its limit. I know I need to get rid of stuff I don't use, but some of it is so unique and found in thrift stores it would be impossible to replace if I ever did need it. I wouldn't mind getting rid of regular clothes either, but I actually DO wear all those dresses, and I have a terrible habit of finding cute things in thrift stores because I'm an easy fit.

I also sorted through a drawer that is supposed to hold personal care products and had mostly become a junk draw, tossing out a bunch of shit, as well as consolidated all "random stuff" into a single hatbox's worth. It's a good amount of progress. Of course, I still need to CULL a lot of my things, which I don't feel up to just yet. And of course there's the sewing table and the papers. But every little bit is an improvement, when I'm feeling so crowded out by things.

It's just now past two years since Bernie moved home to DC to finish his PhD. He's since graduated, and is now onto job searching, so with any luck he's on his way to coming back to the area. But job searching tends to be a slow, miserable process, so I don't know how long that's going to take, and I miss Bernie pretty badly.

I guess it's not that big a deal. We still feel very close, and I actually enjoy long periods on my own. I'm prepared to deal with this as long as I need to. After all, there's a chance Bernie might get a job somewhere other than Boston, and right now I don't really have the ability or the desire to move away from my life and friends. But there's a lot of practical stuff that's impacted by his absence and that's the only part that really gets to me.

We're at the point in our relationship where we'd like to live together, which would be nice for all kinds of squishy reasons. But honestly I find myself mostly pining for the concrete advantages. I'm tired of living with roommates, but I can't afford to live alone, so living with a serious partner would help. Being able to find a place together would make the purchasing power go farther. I joke that a live-in boyfriend would be a roommate I'd be able to boss around, but it would be nice to have somebody I was comfortable asking things of in negotiating house rules and chore schedules, stuff like that. I feel better doing chores for the comfort of someone I can about rather than a stranger, and their care for me would make them more willing to contribute effort to my comfort.

And just little stuff. Helping carrying bags to and from the car. Somebody to run an errand you don't have time for. Making dinner for two people instead of just for one. Bernie was always so much help to me in everyday things, and I miss having that support. It's the only thing he really can't be from far away, and that's the part I have the toughest time over.

I know job hunting SUCKS, but I'm really hoping he works it out soon. Since I've made a little progress in my professional life, I've been making a little more money each semester. It makes me start to think of making progress in other aspects of my life. Making a home with Bernie is the next step I find myself hoping for. But that can't happen until several things get sorted out, so I guess I just have to be patient a while longer.

I had a conversation with john_in_boston recently over stuff to do in order to stay productive, and it got my thinking about all the ways I trick my lazy, lazy brain into doing things besides wandering off into useless atrophy.

Write everything down. Everything I want to do. Everything I have to do. When I need to do it. I carry a lined notebook for this. I'm so distractable by things like stories and cute dresses and pretty boys that if I don't, I WILL FORGET EVERYTHING.

Categorize. I separate the things I have to do into categories. Each category gets a page in the lined notebook. Usually they're fairly broad, like "Errands and Chores" for work and life stuff, "Projects" for creative work. Sometimes I have sub-lists-- like, say, stuff for the next Mrs. Hawking production. I mark them off when they're done. I like using highlighters for this.

Set daily intentions. When getting down to work, I made a list of all the things I specifically want to do that day. That includes routine things-- make sure I do my workout, use my acne medication, post today's Hipster Feminist tweet --as well as specific one-time activities. "Cook those pork chops in the fridge." "Finish scene I started last night." Also pieces of specific projects. "Write 1 scene piece for Base Instruments."

Chunk things into smaller sections. I find breaking things into smaller individual tasks to be ENORMOUSLY helpful for getting down to work. I not only classified Base Instruments into scenes, I broke each scene into discrete sections. It's much easier to approach "Try to write 1 scene piece each day" because it's a much more manageable amount of work, so it gets done on a regular basis.

Schedule everything. I use my calendar obsessively. If something is written down on my calendar for a specific time, it is much easier to get my brain prepared to work on it by that time. It makes me get off my ass, and helps me never be late. I hate being late.

Keep a record of what I did. This is what my accomplishment chart is for. I enjoy marking down all the cool things I did enough that it incentivizes doing them. It makes me feel happy and proud. I only include "cool" things on my chart, things that make me happy to have done, because I feel kind of lame giving myself credit for chore things that I feel like are kind of the bare minimum for function. But it might help other people to include anything they struggle to get done. I add another layer to this with my writing chart, which specifically helps me write something every day, because of how much I enjoy marking down the stuff I do.

This weekend will be quiet for me, which will be good. I have no particular plans, and I'm fairly certain I will have the house to myself, so I think I will spend it at home getting things done. I really need to clean the place, get a little light exercise, and finish the larp I'm running at Festival this year.

Rehearsals for Mrs. Hawking began this week, and things went smoothly. Turns out it simplifies things when you already have the blocking worked out. Because of the holiday I have the whole weekend free, which is good for me, but we'll be getting into our regular about-four-days-a-week schedule on Monday. For me, I'm doing okay. I feel good working on a project I believe in and have high hopes for. I do well being productive, active, and forward-looking. The fact that a lot of this stuff necessary for production has been figured out previously makes thing smoother and easier.

The only thing I'm struggling with really is money. My finances have been a minor mess for a while now, and the costs of the last show didn't help. I'm expecting, because of not needing to buy nearly so much, that this next one won't be close to as expensive, but there's still no return on any of this. And there's already been a few expenses that weren't an issue last time around, like having to pay for rehearsal space. This is something I'm going to have to figure out, as it's starting to get serious. Not sure how to handle it yet. But I'm probably going to have to add in some other sideline just to bring a little more cash in.

I'm in the hotel room right now, trying to use the couple of hours I have before Joe's wedding gets going to get something done. The bridal party is all off getting photos taken. Bernie's the best man, and it's very nice to see him in a tuxedo. He's usually so resistant to dressing up, but here he is in a suit with a real tie and regular people dress shoes. The fit is not great, sadly-- I love his V-shaped, boxer-built upper body, but it is rare enough that a tuxedo rental is unlikely to be able to show it off to best advantage. :-P Still, he looks pretty good; I'll have to come home with pictures of my own.

Having a bit of a hard time focusing, but I've got so many things on my plate right now I'm trying not to waste the time. I need to get ready myself at some point, and I expect that to take a while.

Bernie is now on his way back to Maryland. Hopefully it will only be for a few months while he edits his thesis for his final defense, but I am sad to see him go in the meantime. This week was full of helping him to pack up all his stuff, and this weekend to move it all to the storage unit where it will live until his return. We had lots of wonderful friends come to help us with that part-- thanks so much to all those of you who lent your backs and hands --and I impressed myself with the sheer volume of boxes and furniture I was able to carry. It took all weekend, and I'm very proud of the work we did, but now I can do other things.

I tried to think of what to get done that might be easier without another person around. Maybe getting my finances in order, something that's gotten away from me in the last few months. But other than that, I can't think of anything. Bernie doesn't get in my way at all when he's around, and I'm not used to a relationship like that. That's a very good thing, of course, but it means there's no upside to him going away for a while.

Today I am going to rest, but also catch up on the stuff that didn't happen because of the move this week. I am now three days behind on 31 Plays in 31 Days, and today is the last day to finish that, so I'd better make sure I crack those out. Also the house needs cleaning. It'll be good to stay busy. I think I'll be okay even with Bernie far away, but I'd prefer to stave off mopiness if possible.