All Eyes on Me

In the past several months I made a change to how I use social media. I put limits in place to block certain platforms that were actively chipping at my mental health, and to ensure I couldn't spend more than two hours a day on social media in general. I'd been increasingly developing the habit of compulsive scrolling and refreshing, and I really hated how much time I was wasting on dumb shit I didn't care about. I put in the blockers and gave the password to Bernie so I couldn't get around them. I've had abortive attempts at this in the past, so this seemed necessary to actually make it happen.

It was a rough transition. I've been having some mental health issues off and on since March of this year. I feel embarrassed saying this, seeing as in the last year so much of my life has been not only good, but a serious improvement over how things had been previously-- I got a new job that was a huge step up in my career, I moved into a new house, Bernie and I get to live together now. I don't mean to be ungrateful or unappreciative of all those great things. But I keep falling into intermittent low moods, and anxiety spikes hit me out of nowhere and sometimes keep my awake at night. A rough period was the precipitating event for the social media diet, since it seemed to be aggravating the condition.

For a few weeks after, my brain seemed to go into intense dopamine withdrawal, unable to focus on or get interested in anything. I felt like a lump and do anything was a struggle. It was especially rough in stressed out moments where I could feel the addictive behaviors coming out. But eventually I evened out. I no longer feel so under-stimulated, and some days I don't even hit the two hour limit. I'm certainly relieved at that.

But I was hoping I'd feel better in the day to day. I've been long concerned that social media aggravates the depression, and I was kind of hoping that cutting back might improve my general sense of wellbeing. I don't really think I've experienced that. I was also hoping it might help with my engagement issues, my trouble to get interested enough in anything to pay attention to it. But no luck there either, at least not that I've noted.

It's pretty disappointing. This has always been my problem-- I've always been good about changing my behavior to make things better. But altering how I FEEL, finding any way to change my emotions, I never seem to be able to manage.

Still, there are tangible benefits. I definitely waste less time, which always led to a huge sense of self-disgust, so I'm glad to be experiencing less of that. I've been reading more and more books, and having a much easier time doing so. I had years where I was barely reading any long-form anything, a huge source of consternation and shame, and I've vastly outstripped my reading goal for the year already. It may be a sign that it's improving my ability to focus. That I will definitely take.

Maybe it needs more time. Patience is not my strong suit. But, as a show I'm fond of says, it gets eaiser. But you have to do it every day.

That's the hard part.

Artist's rendering of this process

So yesterday was the day I was finally allowed to return to my completed first draft of my Adonis novel, after taking a two-week break from it in hopes of gaining some measure of objectivity. And, perhaps predictably giving what a disaster human I am, I found myself terrified to look at it, after spending a week chewing my face off wanting to get back to work.

But I marshaled my forces and set myself to read it— just read it, before I attempted any changes. It was a struggle to get going, if only because every time I ran into something I wasn't happy with— which, even within the first chapter or two, happened constantly —I wanted to get up and pace around to work off the nervous energy. This is a frequent discomfort reaction on my part, one that is not very conducive to efficient reading.

Then, by pure accident, I turned on the Read Aloud function of Microsoft Word— the robotic vocabulator or whatever that converts text to speech. I think I vaguely knew this existed, but it never occurred to me to use before, until it started reading at a random place in the second chapter of my book.

For whatever reason, I immediately thought of Karen, artificially intelligent domestic companion to the Spongebob villain Plankton, hilariously referred to as his "computer wife." I was never a huge Spongebob fan, but I always loved that joke, because to my recollection they provided no explanation for Karen's existence, and I enjoyed the lowkey implication that no actual living person could stand being married to Plankton. Also, come on— the phrase "computer wife"? COMEDY GOLD.

This tickled me enough to get me over some of my anxiety. If "Karen" read it to me, I wouldn't have to sit still and focus. I could flail and roll around and pace as much as I wanted without losing my place. "Okay, computer wife," I said, putting my headphones in. "Let's do this." So I took a long walk around my neighborhood, under an umbrella to ward off the rain, with no distractions from the words of my book.

Friends, "Karen" is not a good reader. She murders rhythm. She pauses for about five minutes every time she hits a comma. She has baffling blindspots when it comes to pronunciations of certain relatively mundane words, such as "lunging" and "bruise." I am infuriated by her inability to recognize the word "legion" when she has no trouble with "legionnaire." But she reads clearly and accurately, exactly as it occurs on the page. And her flat, matter-of-fact, reducto-ad-absurdium diction makes me focus on the words, with none of the distraction that good actors often bring when their skill elevates bad material.

And I found I could separate a little bit of my emotional closeness to the text when I could "blame" her, however ridiculously, for the parts when it sounded bad. "You're KILLING ME, Karen!" I moaned, every time she came to a part where I never settled for saying something one way when I could say it three or four. Or "WHAT IS THIS SHIT, KAREN?" when she plowed her way through mangled, awkward phrasing. I kind of feel like I was more able to objectively evaluate what sections were working and what weren't, because I felt weirdly less responsible for the failures when she was presenting the words to me. Crazy, but I'll take it!

It's... not a perfect system. Hearing the sex scenes like that is an endurance exercise; my computer wife has no facility for dirty talk. I feel like even awesome ones weren't going to outshine delivery that stilted. And there's no way to gauge the rhythm or flow of the verbiage, as she basically can convey none. But I found that if I was able to enjoy and feel engaged by a scene even through her droning monotone, I must have done a pretty good job with it. And if my prose wasn't working, well, Karen sure as hell wasn't going to dress it up.

I have listened to it twice through in this manner, to make sure my impressions weren't a fluke. I feel pretty confident in my overall assessment that the piece is at once both much better and much worse than I feared, depending on the spot. I note that when it comes to "action" scenes, as in, scene where things are happening, such as characters taking actions or pursuing their goals with tactics, the book is much, much stronger. That totally makes sense, given my background as a dramatist and my overall storytelling philosophy to think of narrative as a series of actions that people take according to their goals, their character, and their circumstances. When it comes to moments of "internality," where a character is examining a state of affairs internally, or when I need to describe something that's not a HAPPENING, it gets much, much weaker. I wasn't kidding when I mentioned not settling for saying something one way when I could hammer it home a few more different ways on top of that.

And the over-explaining. I mean, I seriously have the sentence "What seemed a mere inevitability became a sword of Damocles for which he could never stop waiting to fall."

...

Really, Roberts? You need to clarify "for which he could never stop waiting to fall"? THAT'S WHAT SWORDS OF DAMOCLES ARE, GENIUS. THAT IS LITERALLY ALL THEY MEAN. THAT IS THE ENTIRE IDIOM. You might as well have written "became a sword of Damocles that acted like a sword of Damocles."

Ugh. Who wrote this shit? KAREN I BLAME YOU.

Anyway. I feel like this is a decent starting point. It is going to take a lot, a lot, A LOT of work to whip those lousy, overwritten sections into shape. But I was worried I was not going to be able to make any like an accurate, objective assessment of my work, and I really think this helped with that.

Thanks for the help, computer wife! Now learn how to fucking pronounce "protege."

Well, got the results of my blood test back. The verdict: NOTHING. All my levels are fine; spectacular, even. I am the specimen of health. I mean, I do eat well, sleep well, and work out almost every day. This is ultimately a good thing, as I should be grateful I'm in physically good shape with no real problems. But I'm a touch disappointed there wasn't something identifiable or treatable found, like an iron deficiency or something. Because then I might have something I can blame for my feelings of low energy and lack of focus, and a clearer course of action to take to possibly fixing it. As it is, I don't know what I can do to change things, and I've been so frustrated by the impact it's had on my daily life.

To be honest, I am already starting to do a little better taking care of life stuff. I've made a ton of progress cleaning up my house, culling my possessions and organizing what I keep. It hasn't been very long, but I've already done better with my journal, and making sure I do at least a little work on a writing project every day. I've been on top of work responsibilities, such that so far nothing has been forgotten, or slipped to the last minute. I'm hoping to make these things habit again. I even resolved to try to get back into reading novels, even if it means reading only one chapter a night before bed.

But I still FEEL off. I sleep a lot, often going to bed ridiculously early and still napping during the day. And focus is a fucking BATTLE. I can usually eventually get into whatever I need to work on, but it takes a fair bit of struggle to get started, which wastes a lot of time. Reading just that one chapter of a book, I feel my brain wanting to drift almost constantly. I've had a suspicion for years smart phone addiction is partially to blame. It's worth it to try and modify how I interact with it, though I haven't yet decided how, and I know it's going to be hard. I really am addicted. I've been making a fair number of changes lately which have required effort and resolve, so I don't want to overload myself too fast. Still, it's looking like forcing myself to make adjustments to how I live are the only hope I have of snapping myself out of this bad rut. I'll just have to phase more things in gradually, I suppose.

But I really hoped I could just have started taking iron supplements or something and had an easy fix.

My iPad battery has been weird lately. The device has been discharging really fast, and then taking forever to charge back up. Sometimes the percentage gauge has jumped up and down, usually when first plugged in, but sometimes during the charging process too. The software is up to date, and the iPad is only a couple years old, but something is clearly wrong. I REALLY don't want to have to take it in for repairs. Besides the general inconvenience, it's my primary computing device. Other than my phone, I have an ancient Mac laptop that Bernie lent me so I'd have something to print on, but currently I can't make it connect to the Internet, so except for watching stored video, it's practically useless. I really don't want to not have access to it for whatever time it takes to fix it. I can do email from my phone, I guess, but for writing it would be massively inconvenient to not have access to my files.

Charging issues abound for me, really. My car (a 2015 Prius) has an input for a lightning cable, but recently it keeps flashing the "Device draws too much power" message and shutting off, before randomly turning back on, over and over again. It makes it very difficult to have anything running on my phone, such as directions, because every time the cable re-engages, my headphones go silent. And when it's plugged in, it won't play through its own speakers, and the car speakers won't acknowledge all programs. It might just be a sign that the cable's starting to break (they all eventually do, the bastards) but I'm running low on cables recently. Might have to bite the bullet and buy some more.

I guess this could have happened at a worse time, but it's pretty inconvenient regardless.

I am really liking HabitRPG. For those of you who don’t know, it gamifies the process of getting chores done. You put in habits you’re trying to reinforce, daily routines you want to get in, and items on your to do list, and it gives your avatar points when you complete them and takes away health when you fail to. When you’re doing well on a particular habit or routine, it goes from yellow to green to blue, and when you’re doing poorly it turns red.

It turns out I really like being able to click off those little boxes that say I did something. I think it speaks to the same part of me that noting my doings on my Accomplishment Chart does. So I’ve found it very helpful in getting me back on track with my chores. I’m usually pretty on top of responsibilities and tasks, but since my mom died I kind of fell out of my good habits, like regular housecleaning. I’ve always responded to regiment, and this adds another layer of it without excessively corralling my life. HabitRPG has gotten me motivated, perhaps to better effect than ever. Right now I’m using it to keep the house clean, exercise, eat right, and various other forms of taking care of myself.

I’m a creature of pretty extreme habit. Once I get into a groove, good or bad, it’s hard to shake me from it. So I’m trying to use it to get into certain good habits that have been historically hard for me to establish. My acne, for example, has been even worse than usual lately and I’d love to find some way to make it go away. I’ve never found anything that’s really effective but I admittedly have never stuck with any treatment for long. I’m hoping HabitRPG will motivate me to get me to use my medicated scrub and moisturizer on a regular basis. I’ve managed to make it a week so far, so let’s hope it helps me stick with it.

I really recommend HabitRPG if you need a better way to get things done. It keeps them in the forefront of your mind, and incentivizes your doing them.

I've been using this great website a lot lately by the name of Supercook. It's a recipe database of sorts, but not the typical one. You type in all the random ingredients you have in your house, and it searches through the Internet for what recipes will make the most efficient use of them. You can even choose which ingredients to prioritize, so that you can narrow the suggestions to your taste.

This website is great for me because I have a tendency to buy ingredients for a specific dish and not know what to do with the rest of it once that dish is cooked. Despite it being an old problem for me, I've just never managed to get the trick of planning meals more than just a day or two at once, so I spend a lot of time staring at bits and bobs in the fridge and cupboard not knowing what do with them. I also tend to cook with specific dishes in mind, so I'm not very good at thinking the other way around, starting from the ingredients and working forward, rather than starting with a dish and working back. But it's helped me make much better use of things before they go bad when I can survey my kitchen, enter them into Supercook, and make whatever it pops up.

I still mean to learn how to meal plan better. (On top of all the other things I plan to improve about myself.) But this helps me make up for that deficiency until then.  

Today is the first day of my unemployment. Nervous as I am about not having a paycheck for the time being, I certainly don't mind having a little more time and a little less pressure for a while. I am determined to make use of the time to ensure that the other important things in my life get taken care of without being shortchanged or crammed in.

I'm going to set aside a short but regular homework time earlier in the day, when my focus is at its best. After 3PM I tend to have trouble getting my head into work. I'm going to make sure I get some kind of exercise every day, or at least six days a week. I'm going to work on all the projects and skills that are important to me that need practicing, like ballet and sewing. I want to do all the things I haven't gotten around to due to lack of time. It will help keep my morale up while I'm wading through my messy life.

The only thing I'm really bugged about is I have to give my work computer back. I've been relying on it as my primary computing machine since I got this job. I had a big desktop, but my Dad took it home to fix something on it, and once I had the laptop I never bothered to get it back. I'll have to have Dad send it, but I'll miss having something portable I can actually write on. I have the iPad too, but that is much more convenient for play than for work. Ah, well. I'll make it work, like I always do.

So for three of the last four days I went on long walks where I got in the ten thousand steps they say you should shoot for to use walking as a form of exercise. I'm pleased with myself. I also ran errands in the process, including culling some unwanted articles of clothing and dropping them off at the thrift store. Unfortunately, I can't seem to enter a thrift store without poking around a little to refill the storage space I just freed up. Which means I brought home another fancy dress I didn't need and don't have nearly enough occasion to wear.


It's a white polyester satin with a tulle overlay that is wrapped around the bodice such that it overlaps in front and makes a neat split-petal effect on the skirt. The bodice has plastic boning in it to keep it in place. I've never owned a strapless dress before, but this fits nicely and stays up well. And it finally occurred to me to find a shot timer app for my iPhone so I could take pictures of myself that didn't block out my face. Unfortunately it doesn't seem to allow the camera to focus, which results in a much higher quality picture, but this isn't bad. I could see this as a great wedding dress costume, if I ever want one that is a little younger, more modern, and sexier than the real wedding gown I have that I think dates from the 70s.

Obligatory bodice shot. I really like the little gold branch details on the net:


I like it a lot, but I really have too many fancy thrift store dresses at this point. It's especially silly since I'm planning to start sewing stuff for myself. I have made a lot of progress through my text, Sew Everything Workshop, and am approaching the section where it walks you through actual projects, so the last thing I need to do is fill my closet with more clothes I don't need.

Ah, well. It's not like it costs me much, and I do get real pleasure from them. I guess I'll just have to throw another fancy party where I change outfits every hour to give myself an opportunity to wear them.

Mixed bag here, some good and some bad. First, the good:

- It's official, I'm going to become a direct employee at Integralis rather than a contractor from an agency. Not sure when it's going to happen, but the process has been started. My rep is going to try to get me a pay increase, which would be really nice, but it's not like I'm going anywhere if it doesn't happen.

- I actually think I'm losing weight, which pleases me. I tried on some clothes that had started to fit like sausage casings and they were a lot more comfortable. My thighs are still too big and I'm still softer in the middle than I have been in years, but I am seeing results while still feeling good about my eating, so using the calorie counter has been working.

- Today I am going to upgrade my phone. I've had an iPhone 2 I think for about two years now and it's showing it age, running slow and blowing up constantly. I'm going to cash in my upgrade and get the new one.

Now the bad:

- Still haven't decided what my next project will be, because this week was an endless parade of expensive, pain-in-the-ass chores that all took longer than they should have. Had to pay to get my car fixed, chase down some undelivered packages, take the HTP props and costumes back to club storage, pick up new scrips for both Jared and me, pay a parking ticket and two hospital bills, and run all over creation trying to get the immunization hold lifted off my Lesley file so I can fucking register for classes. Some of that stuff is still not quite resolved, and I'm still stressing over getting it all done rather than trying to start something new and productive.

- Got back my final packet for the semester with my teacher's comments. My one-act is pretty much a mess, which is discouraging. I never loved it and only wrote it because I had to, but still, I didn't think it was as flawed as all that. And I have no fucking clue how to fix it. For a variety of reasons, I am not feeling particularly good about my work right now, so now I'm stuck between wanting to generate more theatrical writing to redeem myself and never wanting to look at that shit again.

- I want to act again, or direct somewhere other than of out Hold Thy Peace's pity, but nobody will fucking cast me or pick me for it. I don't know what I'm not doing right. I hear other auditions that I don't think are as good as mine, and yet I never get cast. And the directing resumes I send out never come back. I guess I'm not as good as I thought I was, and I'm getting fed up with trying and never getting anywhere.