breakinglight11 | Entries tagged with psa

It’s been a few months now, and it’s become pretty clear that I’m currently in the midst of a mental health... I’m not sure what exactly to call it. “Crisis” sounds a little too over the top. “Low period” is a bit too euphemistic. But I’m definitely struggling and I don’t really see an end any time soon.

First came the a months-long near-constant anxiety cloud, starting at the end of last summer, punctuated with the first panic attacks I’ve ever had in my life. That was new for me, as while I tend to be a pessimist, I’m not usually inclined to that kind of constant high-adrenaline nervousness. Fortunately I seem to be past that, but instead have settled into the quiet, grinding depression that is more often my MO.

I’m tired all the time, frustrated with everything, and have extreme difficulty getting mentally or emotionally engaged in anything. Again, nothing new, but also nothing I have been great at managing. I don’t know if it’s massively different than the many other depressive periods I’ve been in, but it does seem to be pretty bad lately.

And as always, I never know what to do about it. I don’t know what changes I can make that would ease things. The best I ever seem to get is wait it out until... something. Either it passes, or something distracts me from it, or something happens unexpected, and I’m not so bad for a while. But it’s all out of my control, and so I waste a ton of time, both being depressed, and wishing my life away because that’s the only hope I have of fixing it.

Anyway. I’m not really interested in discussing it. But it’s hitting me pretty hard lately, so I figured I should probably be up front about it. Because I’m not doing a great job keeping it in check these days.

I've made an effort recently to seriously cut back on my social media use. I can't abandon it entirely— it's the only really effective way I have to promote my creative work —but I think excessive exposure to it is adversely affecting my mental health. My depression has a tendency to make me lapse into it as an endless source of bullshit input when my brain can't seem to latch onto anything substantive. And I get no joy from scrolling dumb meaningless shit on Facebook or Twitter, yet I do it when I feel bad anyway, and end up feeling worse with the time I waste. So I'm allowing myself to post things, check notifications once a day, but no scrolling through random feed stuff. I lose a ton of time to it and end up feeling bad.

I'm also trying to change my relationship with my smart phone, and I think the social media stuff is part of the problem. I've been reading articles and talking to people about smart phone addiction, how it destroys focus, and depresses enjoyment and engagement in other things. And as bad as one author had it, I compared my usage data to his and mine was actually worse. That was depressing to see. I've been struggling with attention issues and an inability to get engaged with things I would normally expect to enjoy, and I think this addiction at least makes it worse, even if it's not totally responsible. Recently I had some of the worst inability to enjoy or get interested in something that should have made me happy in ages, and it was such a terrible feeling I've resolved to do something about it. I don't know if just cutting way, way back on social media is enough to undo any damage, but I figure it's a place to start. If nothing else, I hate how hard it is for me to read books, or anything longform anymore, because I can't rouse the interest or focus. Even an improvement on that front would be a little victory.

You may have seen how I slathered all over Facebook the fact that Mrs. Hawking was accepted for performance at Arisia 2015! I am so delighted and excited, but also kind of overwhelmed. The performance date is January 16th, the Friday of the con, and I think this will be really great for the property, as the Arisia demographic likely holds people who will be interested in the piece. But that means I only have a couple of months to get together every aspect of production. I’m feeling a bit dazed by that challenge, but I’m jumping in.

First thing’s first. I NEED HELP. Help of all kinds. I need a solid cast to do justice to the play. I need people willing to do production tasks— help me get costumes and props together, help build the set, help find a rehearsal space, and help figure out if there’s a way to raise money that’s feasible in the amount of time I have. I need a stage manager, a producer (besides myself) if possible. If I need to pay for this myself out of pocket, well, that would hurt, but I could technically do it. But I can’t make this happen without a cast or a place to rehearse.

So please, friends. I’m desperate, and this means a lot to me. I need cast and crew. If you would like to audition, tell me so I can hear you. If you want to volunteer your talents on the production side, tell me—I really need the extra help, I will be in trouble if I have to manage everything myself.

The rehearsal period will probably be mostly for the month of December and the beginning of January. Production starts NOW. Please, please, please do not let your friend Phoebe kill herself over this.

Thank you for your time! <3

So I've had an interesting opportunity arise! I've gotten a modeling engagement in Los Angeles where they are paying for my trip. I will be out in the city next week from Monday to Friday, and I've even gotten an additional job for while I'm out there.

It's a cool chance, and obviously one I don't have come up for me often. I wish I had some idea what might be a good use of that time for a writer. It's a lovely fantasy to get discovered while I'm out there, isn't it? Just in case, I'm writing up treatments for my scripts and maybe having an elevator pitch in my back pocket for Mrs. Hawking. It's probably a pipe dream, but can't hurt to be prepared, just in case.

Does anyon have any suggestions on what's good to do or see while out there? Even if purely recreationally. I'm not sure what to do with myself during the downtime. Ideas welcome!

Just a PSA to everyone that I have changed my LJ username from _dragonwolf_ to

breakinglight11. This is the current handle I use, so I thought it was time to make this, my most important platform, representative and consistent. If I understand of the process, _dragonwolf_ will redirect here, and all my connections and subscriptions should have carried over. I just want my presence to be identified with this name in all cases.

I think now might be a good time to make it clear, in case it isn't already, that I am completely overrun with work right now. Between my day job, my rehearsal schedule, writing a piece of theater every day in August, ten thousand little errands and chores, and how the second year of my grad program is turning out to be a lot more intense than the first-- what I don't have is a lot of free time, and I what I do have is a lot of stress.

So please forgive me if I'm hard to get in contact with for the next few weeks, or if I'm not able to do anything. I still love you all... I'm just struggling to stay on top of my work and life responsibilities, and scheduling in social time, any non-work time at all, makes it harder to get everything done.

I thought I'd post my moving plan here well in advance of things, in case anyone is interested in showing up to help, or provide moral support in the form of cooling beverages or delicious snacks.

The date of the move is Tuesday, May 31st. Because the only time I was able to secure a moving truck rental was 2PM, things will be beginning early. Let's say 3PM is the official start time, and I plan on working until it's finished, hopefully before the 9PM deadline when I need to return the truck. I know that some of you will be unavailable during the day, but any time you can come is very much appreciated. If you could let me know when you expect to show up, that could be useful for planning. Like, I can plan on moving the heavy furniture pieces when I'm looking to have the most people present.

We will be moving the furniture contents of a living room, a kitchen, two bedrooms, and a small mountain of boxes. My goal is to have everything ready to be picked up by you lovely folks and placed directly onto the truck or the appropriate car, so hopefully there will be minimal need for you to help with packing or anything like that. I may need some minor help with furniture disassembly, though, and I may assign people to some light cleaning tasks if no one minds.

I will be providing dinner in the form of some kind of takeout on the day of, and then everyone who shows up to help is then invited to a real, home-cooked "Thank You for Hauling My Stuff Around" dinner at my new place (Illyria, 51 Morton Street, Waltham) at 7PM on Saturday, June 4th.

If you have any other questions, don't hesitate to ask. And please let me know when you think you might be coming so I can make a plan. (I do so love making plans.) If things have changed for you and you don't think you can make it, no worries, I appreciate the thought anyway.

Thanks so much, everyone. Your help is very much appreciated, and I will repay you with deliciousness the weekend after.

Just a little heads up to everyone that might be wondering, sparked in part by a recent experience of blendedchaitea.

You may be, at some point in your life, placed in a position where you are forced to ask yourself if you really are doing feminism right. To this I say, simply ask yourself-- do you believe in the inherent value equality of men and women?

Yes? Then you're not a bad feminist.

Insofar as "good" and "bad" even enter into it, I feel like if you do the things that feminists do, then you're doing it "right."

What do feminists do? They believe in the inherent value equality of men and women. Therefore, things that enter into the definition of "good feminist": believing, supporting, agreeing with, et cetera, the concept of the inherent value equality of men and women.

Things that do not enter into the definition of "good feminist": your gender, your sexual orientation, your religion, your nationality, your economic status, your ethnic background, your education, what you do for a living, your aesthetic preferences, your political views, the jokes you laugh at, your diet, what you do for fun, how much sex you have, the media you consume, and a whole host of other things.

"Good feminists" don't need degrees in gender studies. They don't need to have read Stein or Faludi or Dworkin or anyone else. You don't need to stage protests, write letters, go to rallies. You don't have to hate men, be attracted to girls, shave your head, or stop shaving your legs. You don't need to apply the goddamn Bechdel Test before you see a movie or watch a TV show. You don't need to view every single social injustice, perpretrated against women or otherwise, as a personal assault, and if you do, you don't need to hate anyone else who doesn't.

Until and unless one of those things necessarily makes you cease to believe in the inherent value equality of men and women, none of those things are any indication of whether or not you are a bad feminist.

Until and unless you stop believing this, nobody in the world gets to tell you "FEMINISM: UR DOIN IT RONG."

Since this has been one of the heavier issues weighing on me for the last... God, has it been a year and a half?... and it rather harshly intruded on a public event of my life recently, I think it might be time to actually do a post on it.

( My mother has lung cancer. )

It occurs to me that my show opens exactly two weeks from today. So I am exhausting all venues I can think of to get the word out about it. A Facebook invite has already been setup, but to reach those who read my Livejournal but like myself aren't big Facebook fans, here's the repost of the invitation for you:

To Think of Nothing, directed by Bernie Gabin and Phoebe Roberts, will be playing two nights only in the Merrick Black Box Theater in the Spingold Theater at Brandeis University, Thursday February 25th and Friday February 26th, to start at 8PM. The show should run no longer than an hour. Tickets are free, but donations are gladly accepted.

Starring

JARED HITE (Faustus, Claudius, Lear, Oberon, Lord Capulet) as Cassander
FRANCES KIMPEL (Caliban, Hamlet, Dromio of Syracuse, Tybalt, Brutus) as Andromeda
STEPHANIE KAROL (Goneril, Helena, Marc Antony) as Thalia
CAITLIN PARTRIDGE (Juliet, Casca) as Euphrosyne
LIZ BAESSLER (Snug, Mercutio) as Aglaea
JONATHAN PLESSER (Albany, Lysander, Friar Lawrence, Julius Caesar/Octavian) as Damon
CHARLOTTE OSWALD (Hippolyta) as Selene
JONATHAN KINDNESS (Rosencrantz, Gloucester, Bottom) as Palamon

As I said-- "This is probably the most significant thing I've done as a writer and artist. It would mean the world to me if you would do me the honor of marking this down and coming to see my show. If you are available on either date, please come join me for this important event."

Tickets are free, but seating is limited, so it is recommended that you reserve your seats ahead of time. Drop me a line at breakinglight11@gmail.com with the showing you're coming for and the number of seats you'd like to reserve.

We may be adding a Friday matinee, but I want to talk to everyone in the cast about it first.

Thank you.

Because I haven't worked myself into a good lather yet today, here's a list of some of my biggest pet peeves. And by pet peeves, I mean things that make me want to kill.

Lateness. It's just disrespectful. I swear, it feels like I spend half my life waiting around for people to show up when they said they would. It's doubly annoying when it's somebody important to me, as it usually is lately, somebody who I would wait ages for. Seriously, if you know I'd put myself to any inconvenience, discomfort, or disadvantage for you, why would you make me do it?

Geeks who can't turn it off. More on this in another post, I think, but as much of a geek as I am and am proud to be, I hate it when my fellows just can't manage themselves to behave appropropriately for the situation and make the rest of us look like maladjusted freaks who can't read social cues.

Bad hygiene. Seriously. Just shower. Yes, you do need to-- and wash your hair, brush your teeth, and use deordorant. If you don't, you're gross. There are certain bad smells I am extremely sensitive to, and unwashed human tops the list. CANNOT TAKE IT.

People in my private business. I've ranted about this before. Not everybody likes other people knowing what trouble is going on with them. The corollary to this being people giving me advice that I'd have to be a moron if it didn't already occur to me.

People inviting themselves places. If you have no been expressly invited, assume you are not wanted so you don't force yourself on someone. Do not say, "Hey, can I come too?" 'Cause there's no polite way for them to get out of that. And if they wanted to just have the experience of being with particular people, now you've taken that away.

People who dress inappropriately for their shape. You do not have to be built like an anorexic living-coathanger runway model. But if you're not, don't dress in ways that negatively emphasize all the ways that you're not. Low necklines flatter people with actual cleavage-- girls like me aren't kidding anyone like that. Just dress for your body, already.

People who never get the hint. Know when you're making someone uncomfortable. Know when you've hit a sore spot. Know when you've done the wrong thing. Know when to leave.

There's probably more than that. But those are some pretty damn big ones.

In Surprised by Joy, C.S. Lewis talks about how he had always been inclined toward sacrificing all aspects of a state of being, both positive and negative, than having to endure anything negative about that state of being at all. He preferred, for example, abject neglect by others if it meant no mistreatment or interference; he preferred blandness to offensiveness even if it meant nothing of interest; in short, he would give up all possibility of anything positive as long as it meant avoiding a particular negative.

Lately I have been in something akin to that state fairly frequently. I have had no capacity to handle anything troublesome lately. Well, that's not exactly true. I have been technically able to, but when things arise that I will have to handle, it just makes me feel utterly overwhelmed and desirous of doing anything to avoid it. I have just been subsumed into an overall state of "not wanting to deal." I have been avoiding people rather than putting myself into frustrating interactions. The slightest complication to my life has sent me seeking some escape. I'm worried this is why I've been sleeping more, and why I've been wanting so much time alone. Having nothing to deal with means nothing negative to deal with, but at the expense of anything positive.

This worries me because I am concerned of what really important things this will drive me to avoid rather than confront. It also worries me because I'm concerned about what this desire to avoid will drive me to do.

This entry is likely to be a little rambling, vague, and unfocused, so please pardon. What I'm trying to accomplish is a bit difficult given the limits I'm putting on myself, but I am doing my best to get my point across in a way that makes me feel comfortable.

A lot of people put up status reports on the states of their lives and how they're doing and feeling at a given time so that their friends understand what's up with them, particularly if their current state affects their behavior or mood. I like this idea, but I do not so much like letting people in on private matters that may be the reason for my status. So I am endeavoring to express where I am in such a way as still allows me the privacy I need.

I am not at my best lately. I would guess this has been clear to some and not so clear to others. I'm trying to deal with some difficult things lately, and they are a not-insignificant source of stress. My schedule has also been very tightly packed with committments and responsibilities, and I find myself a bit overwhelmed by my lack of free time. Finallyy, I feel like the level of prying that has been done into my affairs has placed an additional burden on me that makes everything even more difficult for me to bear, and has done a great deal to chip away at my wellbeing.

As I've said before, I'm not the kind of person who likes airing laundry in public. I know that for many people talking is the way to feel better and deal with problems, but this not only does not often help me, it very frequently makes things worse. I get embarrassed, even ashamed of myself, when people are aware of the negative stuff I have to deal with. It makes me feel bad about myself. Also, it has been my experience that when I confide in people, they inevitably form an opinion about the matter. I don't want people forming opinions about my life; I don't feel it's their place to pass judgment. If I have ever confided in you any of my real troubles, the more you develop an opinion on any of it, the less I am inclined to confide anything of substance in you further. Some of you I know have already experienced this. I apologize if this hurts your feelings, but I'm not going to continue doing something designed to make me feel better when it's just making me feel worse.

Through no actions of my own, I have been put in a position a lot lately of people learning things about my life that I don't feel are their business, and been subject to their feelings on the matter. On one hand, I respect that other people don't necessarily deal with things the same way I do, and need to talk stuff out with others. On the other hand, I kind of resent that people are let into my business without my consent, and as such I am forced against my will to deal with their opinions.

The judgment has felt heavier than usual lately. It's starting to get to me, leading to me feeling drained, oversensitive, and less able to bear the people I feel are digging into places they don't belong. Because of this, I've been more withdrawn and less up for things lately, particularly things involving large crowds consisting of people I don't want to deal with. I've had less patience for just about everything, for which if you've been on the recieving end recently I apologize.

I think this will pass soon, provided I get enough time away from the presses of other people's unwanted involvement. But for the meantime I am not quite myself. Please forgive me. But frankly, people... lay off. Please don't dig where it clearly distresses me for you to do so. Respect my privacy, give me the benefit of the doubt that I am handling things as best as I am able. It is not your place to render judgment.

I'm not sure if this makes any sense. But for now, that's where I am, and that is what I need.

Just a little heads-up to those of you that read this journal that might be helpful in the future.

I love journal tags. I just love them, and I put a lot of care into tagging my entries, not only just to gratify my compulsive need to categorize, but also so that you, dear readers, know what the substance of my writing for that particular selection is. When I tag an entry with "introspection," that means I'm talking about myself or something about the workings of me. Maybe the meaning of that tag isn't as intuitive as I thought it would be, but my intention was for it to denote when I was talking about things that are intrinsic to me, things that come from inside of me.

Me. As in, not you. So, if you see that, you can stop wondering.

If that tag's not there and you're not sure? Ask me. We're all adults here. I just love adult conversations; they're a nice change of pace. Then you don't have to wonder, and consequentially bring about any of those things that so often accompany wondering and complicate my life in ways you probably did not expect them to but still I do not desire to deal with.

Not that I'm criticizing, I understand the impulse-- I am probably more self-centered than you are. But see, that means chances are I'm going to be focusing on myself. So, dear readers, please err on the side of assuming it isn't about you.

Heh. Except for this one. This one is about you. ;-)

Much obliged.

It's times like these when I'm forced to conclude that you can't say anything to anyone.

...

You know what, I was just going to stop there all cryptic and punchy, but I'm not going to leave it at that.

I have a favor to ask of everyone. In dealing with me, I very humbly request that you err on the side of assuming that I'm self-aware-- that is, AWARE of things in regards to MYSELF. Please do not point out rather basic "Have you considered doing X" or "Could Y be the problem" because, please trust me, I HAVE THOUGHT OF IT. As I have said recently, I work very hard to clearly and ruthlessly understand myself, and that means I do a lot of self-examination and mulling over things that need dealing with in my life. Anything you can think of in the rare moment that your attention in on my problem, it has almost certainly already occurred to me.

I know people care and are just trying to help. But lately it seems that the general consensus about me is I just sort of sashay through my life not examining anything that arises for me, and if it's a problem maybe I just vaguely wonder why things seem to be all messed up and not, in fact, quietly and privately figure out what the trouble is and what I can do to fix it. It hurts my feelings, frankly feels disrespectful, that people assume that I'm not examining myself, not dealing with my problems, and that I couldn't come up with that stuff on my own. If you could in in an offhand moment bumping up against someone else's life, wouldn't the person whose life it actually is have to be an idiot not to have thought of it themselves?

I don't believe in airing laundry in public. I far and away prefer handling the bumps and snags in my life away from prying eyes. I gather that to some people, just because they don't witness me doing it, the assumption is that I don't actually deal with my problems. This notion is madness to me-- it's nobody's business but my own, and trust me to deal with the things that need dealing with.

So, in summary-- I am not a fool, nor am I a child. Things occur to me. I am under no illusions. It does not mean I have not examined or dealt with some just because I have not shared that process with you. Do me the courtesy, next time something comes up for you like this, of assuming that I am self-aware enough to have, in fact, considered the options and possibilities of whatever it is in my life.

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Going through a... something
On a social media diet
PLEA FOR HELP WITH THIS PRODUCTION OF MRS. HAWKING
Anything worth doing in LA?
PSA: Username change to breakinglight11
PSA: Completely overrun
Moving plan!
Feminism PSA
Finally telling people about this
To Think of Nothing - official invitation
Things that tick me off
Don't want to deal
Vague status report
PSA regarding this LiveJournal
Because evidently I am a child

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All Eyes on Me

"Do you know why heroes boast? Because it makes them brave."

Entries tagged with psa

Going through a... something

On a social media diet

PLEA FOR HELP WITH THIS PRODUCTION OF MRS. HAWKING

Anything worth doing in LA?

PSA: Username change to breakinglight11

PSA: Completely overrun

Moving plan!

Feminism PSA

Finally telling people about this

To Think of Nothing - official invitation

Things that tick me off

Don't want to deal

Vague status report

PSA regarding this LiveJournal

Because evidently I am a child