All Eyes on Me

Periodically I remember how little I use this journal compared to how often I used to. I think I may be even busier these days, and I no longer have the interest in detailing my day-to-day activities the way I used to. But I do wish I was more in the regular journaling habit. I like having a record of my thoughts, if not my doings, particularly of the creative things I’m working on.

So maybe I’ll see if I can get myself back into it. I’ve had success in the past, when I wanted to implement a new habit, with the method of setting a ridiculously low goal that I know I can complete regularly. Write one page of the script a day. Read ten minutes of a novel every day. Go for a walk around the neighborhood every day. Perhaps if I set myself to write just a very small amount— even as little as two hundred words, or less —of journal content today, it could serve to rebuild the habit.

I imagine I will write about some stupid stuff, if pressed to record my thoughts on a regular basis. I won’t always have something interesting to say. But I think sometimes I don’t write anything at all if I feel like I can’t totally explore or say a whole bunch about my thoughts, and then what ideas I had got lost. Maybe I would have liked to keep those thoughts on record, if only to do something with later. I very, very frequently find that sort of things useful later, and am glad to have kept it as a starting point, if nothing else. So maybe it’ll be good for me if I set the bar very low, and give it a try.

You may notice that I am posting this to, not my LiveJournal as is my wont, but to a Dreamdwidth account with the same username. I am doing this because of suspicions that the Russian-owned LiveJournal may no longer be able to trusted with the security of one's information, and Dreamwidth offers the easiest way to port one's blog archive to another, more secure platform which has the convenience of basically the same interface.

Even though it's seeming increasingly like the wiser move to do so, I have not deleted my LiveJournal. The idea of no longer having it is a weirdly emotional one for me. Even though ultimately just keeping my entries is the important part, which Dreamwidth fortunately allows me to do with relative ease, I find myself surprisingly sad at the idea of getting rid of my old blog. Journaling and having a platform to express my thoughts where interested parties can read it has been important to me. Again, I guess I can do that from anywhere, but looking now I see that I've had that LiveJournal since 2001. And I used it pretty damn consistently from 2007 on-- a whole decade now. There's a lot of hopes, dreams, memories, experiences, and thoughts poured into it in that time.

And I liked the service, damn it. Yeah, Dreamwidth is not that different. But I don't like any of the themes and my journal looks so ugly now. The whole thing feels like it's an older, less maintained version of LJ. All my internal links in the entries just go back to it, so if I wanted to direct them here instead, I'd have to fix them all manually. And even though most people I know didn't bother with their LJs anymore, I liked that I was already linked up with all my friends and I'd see their posts if they made them. I know that this is not the end of the world and I'll get over it-- I should just be grateful I'm not losing all my content --but this whole business makes me sad in a way I can't quite articulate.

So, yeah. Here I am now, I guess. If you're on Dreamwidth, please give me your username so I can attempt to rebuild my network of follows. But I won't be deleting my LJ today, or even tomorrow. I think I need some time to mourn before I actually get rid of it. Making this my primary posting platform is a tough enough step for now.

At the end of this week, all my enormous commitments for the last several months will be fulfilled. I am going to have a very light summer, which I am incredibly glad and excited for, that even begins with basically a three-week break even from my day job in the gap between spring and summer trimesters. So I practically have a summer vacation, like back when I was in school!

I don’t want to LOAD MYSELF UP WITH COMMITMENTS RAWR. That’s my normal MO with any free time, and I know I need a break from deadlines, responsibilities, and appointments. But though I’d like to get more sleep and spend more evenings at home, I’d would like to use the time to work on stuff that’s fun and meaningful to me. So here’s some ideas of the stuff I’d like to pursue at least on a casual basis for the next three or four months.

STUFF I’M DEFINITELY DOING

Going back on my diet. I felt so good and looked freaking amazing on my smoothie and paleo diet, so I’m going to put myself back on it. It’s tough transitioning from sugar and carbs, but once I push through that I like how it makes me look and feel.

Start exercising again. Like my diet, my exercise regime had me in really great shape and health. I’d like to get back on that regular schedule for it. I may even return to circuit training appointments. I’ll be making less money for the next few months, though, so I’ll have to see if that’s in the budget.

Fix up my skin. My skincare routine has COMPLETELY gone by the wayside, and my acne is worse than it’s been in forever. I really need to get it sorted out. Having the time to take proper care of it made a big difference, and I’m hoping having less stress will help too.

STUFF I’D LIKE TO DO

Journal every day. My blog is really important to me and I’ve been too busy to keep it up. I want to go back to posting at least every week day, to have a record of my life and thoughts, as well as a way to keep present in the thoughts of the people who read it.

Throw a party. I love having parties, and I haven’t done it in forever. Maybe just the “cool people come over” kind or maybe with a theme. Like, a Fancy Party where everyone must dress up, or a Costume Party to make up for how I missed Halloween this past year.

Write seriously. I haven’t been doing much writing and it’s seriously slowed down my output. I want to not let the responsibilities of work or production make it so I’m no longer generating work. Not sure which project to focus on— Mrs. Hawking part 4? Adonis 2? Something else? —but I’d like to make some significant progress on something.

Learn how to do makeup. At least, better than I can right now. I’ve actually gotten pretty okay at basic, pretty, semi-natural makeup, but watching so much RuPaul’s Drag Race has gotten me fascinating with the transformative powers of makeup artistry and there’s a bunch of looks that I’d love to learn how to master.

Rework my Problem of the Protagonist theory. This is an idea I’ve been developing as a literary critic that I’ve recently done some mental refining on. I should do a rewrite of it to reflect the progress I’ve made. I think it’s actually a really useful idea and I’d like to make it as clear and precise as I can.

Write up the GM notes for my latest tabletop roleplay mod. I wrote this recently to run for inwaterwrit and some friends, and it came out better than it had any right to given how swamped I’ve been. Entitled “Silver Lines” and set in New York in 1889, it involved Mary and Arthur from the Mrs. Hawking series, and included some cool characters and interesting history. I’d like to write down the information needed to GM the thing so I don’t lose it.

Finish Lady Got Back. This is my idea for a parody of Baby Got Back about Victorian bustles. I have a lot that I like so far but it isn’t quite done yet. I’d love to finish it and then find somebody to record it in a perfect posh Victorian accent. That would be hilarious.

Rewatch all the Marvel movies. Just for fun. Not everything has to be work, right? That’s what vacation is for!

STUFF I’M CONSIDERING

Changing my hair. I’ve still got this bee in my bonnet, I’m afraid. I was kind of disappointed by my attempt to go blonde, as it seemed to just fade to a light brown after like two washes, so it didn’t really satisfy my craving for something really different. Part of me wants to use the fact that I have no real need for a professional presentation this summer to try something really unusual— an unnatural color, an undercut? –and if I hate it, let it grow out or dye it back or whatever before the classes I’m teaching start this fall. But as usual, I’m nervous about not liking it, as I hate not feeling pretty, and the last attempt was really not worth the great expense.

Drag myself out. Related to my desire to develop greater facility with makeup, I’ve wanted to see if I could make myself look like a boy for a long time now. It might be fun to actually attempt it, with makeup and clothes and all that.

Work on my fashion designs. I know it’s not the best use of my time, because I don’t really have the time or resources to fully realize it in any way, but last October I started drawing up some ideas for a collection as a change of pace from my current creative work. It kind of has a post-apocalyptic aesthetic to it and I think I came up with some really cool stuff, so part of me would love to play around with it more and refine the ideas.

Make a costume of some kind. Don’t know what, but I haven’t been exercising my sewing or design skills enough recently. Maybe I should make something for a Hawking play, or maybe try my hand at a cosplay.

Record vocal diaries. I’ve been thinking about this for a while, like blogging by voice rather than by text. I might start with stuff I’ve already written just to try it, and then branch into doing podcast-like new things on various topics. Maybe I’d review stuff, or just do new blog entries that way.

So that’s all the stuff I’m considering. Almost certainly won’t do all of it, and maybe new ideas will occur to me. But I’m really looking forward to having a lower-key life for a while, where I can do stuff that seems fun rather than just stuff that’s become a responsibility.

I haven't been writing so much in my journal recently, which I don't like. I'm not exactly sure why that is. Probably a combination of being even busy, and being less interested in detailing my daily activities. I have a lot to say about the creative stuff I've been working on, and I like musing about the things I'm thinking about, which is stuff that I've always written about here. But I used to also write about my goings-on, which is not something I feel like journaling about so much anymore. It just doesn't seem that interesting to muse on, for me or for other people, probably because I spend more time working on projects than I ever used to, and there's less time left over for interesting outside doings.

But I like having a record of my life and thoughts. I'm concerned that if I let journaling slide too much, I'll end up quitting entirely. And then what will my biographers have to reference, once I am a famous important writer and they all need primary sources for their dissertations on me? 😁😉 So I am going to renew my effort to write at least some nonsense here five times a week. Even if it's just blah-blah about what I'm writing that nobody cares about but me.

I've started a new Tumblr, in addition to the one I use as a purely self-indulgent collection of pictures I like (which ends up being mostly just shirtless shots of Captain America.) This one is dedicated to images of men who have a presentation that reads as traditionally masculine while participating in an activity that reads as traditionally feminine. I've always loved this combination, as it suits both my aesthetics and my belief that shouldn't be any proscribed gendered behavior. I like men who are secure enough in themselves to do whatever it is they want to do, regardless of whether our society traditionally codes those activities as "unmanly." Feminism of course requires women to enter into fields they were kept out of because of their genders, but it also requires celebrating instead of devaluing the work women traditionally did-- sewing, childcare, nursing, teaching, and all other such fields. And, as valuable pursuits, to encourage men to participate in them too.

The thought that inspired this was when I learned that apparently Jeremy Renner, the hard-as-nails-looking actor who plays Hawkeye in The Avengers, paid the bills while struggling to make it by being a makeup artist. And not like, movie monster makeup, traditional feminine made-up-face kind of makeup. I love the idea that somebody who reads SO HARDBUTCH was interested in something coded SO SOFTFEMME. It's very attractive, and I just love the extremity of the contrast.

One of these days I would like to design a costume that if you boiled it down to its literal component parts, the ensemble would be coded as feminine-- like, high-heeled shoes, a skirt, a corset, items that tend to read as gendered female --but designed in such a way as, when worn by a man, would instead come off as masculine. Like, give those gendered clothing items enough characteristics that read as masculine as to cancel out their feminine signifiers. "Harder" styling, dark colors, metal, leather, geometric shapes, heaviness, solidity. The corset would emphasize a masculine shape rather than a curvy feminine one. Stuff like that. I'd love to design a look like this and then take pictures of some male-bodied person wearing it. I like how it would mess with people's perception of societal coding. 

Just a PSA to everyone that I have changed my LJ username from _dragonwolf_ to breakinglight11. This is the current handle I use, so I thought it was time to make this, my most important platform, representative and consistent. If I understand of the process, _dragonwolf_ will redirect here, and all my connections and subscriptions should have carried over. I just want my presence to be identified with this name in all cases.

I have been really loving doing Hipster Feminist lately, my once-daily joke Twitter feed on the thoughts of Rhoda, a girl who finds the only thing more exhausting than the patriarchy is the mainstream. I'm enjoying the challenge of having to come up with an on-point joke for it every day, and even though not everything I've come up with has been comedy gold or trenchant commentary, a handful of them have turned out to be really fun and funny. I am getting interested in developing the character of Rhoda (given that name by morethings5, along with some my favorites of her jokes). She needs a funny last name, and funny life details, and I might just do my hair up stupid and get a pair of black plastic glasses and skinny jeans and take a picture of myself as her. As it is, her character is kind of inconsistent, particularly in how much she flips between being a good feminist and a bad feminist, depending on what joke I want to do on a given day. But perhaps that in itself is funny and a comment on her nature; in case it's not obvious, she is not intended to be a bastion of self-awareness or true social consciousness. Having to stay within a hundred and forty characters does of course make it tough to really deeply explore her, but it's a good format for one-liners, and I like the challenge of working within the limitations.

I just got a whole bunch of new followers lately, too, bringing me up to an awe-inspiring twenty-six! ;-) This is special if only because these new people are people who don't know me and most likely aren't following me to throw me a sympathetic bone. One of those followers is, amazingly, Holly Pervocracy, who write an excellent feminism blog that I started reading a few months ago. She also writes a great deal about sex and kinks, which is fine but not really my cup of tea, but even so it's totally worth following if only for the feminist writing. I wonder how she found it! I also wonder if she noticed that a couple of my HF jokes were drawn from things I read on her blog. :-) At any rate, I'm flattered that she's interested, because she's pretty funny herself and definitely knows her shit when it comes to feminism. Gives me a little confidence that my jokes are sharply observed.

Only mainstream hegemonic assholes don't check it out. ;-)