All Eyes on Me

So I finished the first draft of Mrs. Hudson Investigates last night. It's... not there yet. I tend to defer to just banging some shit out the first time around, and then coming back to fix it up and improve it later. The last scene is particularly bad, but I really wanted to get to that point of being technically "finished." I'll stay away from it for a day or two, to get some distance, and then dig into editing once I've forgotten what I wrote a little.

Intercon is not this weekend but the next. I have not done basically anything to prepare for it, but I always have a good time there and don't want to drop the ball. I have to do a little printing and a lot of prop gathering to run Silver Lines, the small-scale semi-open-world larp set in the Mrs. Hawking universe I've been running a lot lately. I also need to read the character sheet for the one game I'm playing, and put together a costume. That shouldn't be too hard, seeing as if there's anything I have access to, it's plenty of costuming options. But I got to take the minutes to do it.

I also got my first round of essays for class this semester. I like to give them about a week's turnaround time on returning them for a grade, and I hate grading so much that I do better when I grade a small number every day than when I try to do a lot at once. The week's already filling up, but I can't let it slide. Sigh. Teaching is so much more fun when I get to show up and shoot my mouth off, rather than reading boring essays and laboriously explain actionable feedback for the students to edit. It's honestly the only thing I don't like about teaching college.

And I've got a party to plan for. The Hawking cast party is this weekend, and I like to make it fun for all the people who have put so much work into the show. I'm looking forward to seeing the gang again after a few weeks going by since the performance. I look cooking and hosting, but it's more work and planning on top of everything else.

I am going to be a busy bee this week.

Just want to quickly put down where I am at this transition into fall 2018, so I have a record and people will know.

Because I wanted to focus on making the Hawking proof of concept film— easily the most challenging project I've ever helmed — and because I've been going so hard pretty constantly for a year and a half, I decided to keep the summer otherwise low-commitment. I did some private tutoring for cash but otherwise kept myself free. It was not great for me financially, but I think my mental health and possibly even my physical health needed that three-month break.

Now I am transitioning back into my usual life. The new school semester has started, and I finally have the four-class schedule that I'd been working to get— two at Lesley like usual, and two at North Shore Community College, a place I used to teach at a few years ago and contacted me out of the blue at the last moment. It was a scramble to get syllabi together at the last minute, but it's reassuring to know where the four classes will put me financially, especially since Evil Overlord is dormant right now. I miss that job so much I can't say, and I'd love to go back if it ever continues, but for now I'm glad to have the classes to rely on.

Tentatively I am continuing with my tutoring job. I like the woman who runs the company and I don't want to leave her in the lurch if possible. But I really don't like private tutoring, and she has canceled a lot on me at the last minute, which meant I couldn't necessarily count on the work. So if the scheduling commitments I make continue to not be honored, I think I will discontinue my work there if I need to.

The film is in the process of being rough cut, which I'm enjoying. I prefer the shooting process objectively, but it's certainly easier to organize than a fifteen-person film crew on location, so it's lower stress. We've got it a little over half roughly assembled.

I also finished the draft of Mrs. Frost, got amazing feedback from smart lovely friends who read it, and have begun the edit. I find this part of the development to be harder than drafting, as I am always a little held back from getting going by the fear that I won't know how to implement the changes I need to make. But I got some very actionable suggestions at the reading, so I need to be brave and dive in. We have to get into rehearsals in October, so I need to have a solid drafter sooner rather than later.

So that's the big stuff for me! Work, writing, film, theater. And about to be swallowed up by executing it all shortly!

As I posted, I have accomplished the most recent performances of Mrs. Hawking. The quality of the productions, plus the high attendance and overwhelming positive response, pleased me enormously. In an additional herculean effort, I've also finished my grading and submitted grades for the end of the semester. That means that I finally have a significantly lighter period ahead of me, and I mean to keep it that way. I need some downtime after all that intensity and stress.

Predictably, in this the first week since finishing, I have gotten sick. The cold Bernie brought with him when he came down for the show, and the migraine I gave myself with an excess of caffeine. Both of those I don't tend to get more than once a year, and I've noticed I tend to be ill in my off-time, rather than when I've got stuff to work on. I commented to Bernie that maybe it's the adrenaline and force of will keeping it off until I can afford to lie flat on my back and get some rest again. He countered that maybe it only happens after I've thoroughly run myself ragged. Equally possible, I suppose.

But as I said, at least I've got some downtime for now. I can use that to rest and repair-- eat right, sleep enough, and destress. I've got some projects this summer, but much less work, less tight scheduling, and less pressure to be on all the time. I think I'll feel better soon, and for now I'll just be grateful that I didn't get sick until after I finished.

It's been a few very long weeks. My last class for the semester, the eight-week Creative Writing intensive, began on top of everything else, which threw in a new module to plan and eighteen more papers to grade every single week. The extra work has really gotten to me, and I'm starting to get worn down.

On top of that, my body has felt... sore. My knees are a bit painful and my muscles are generally achy. I'm worried it's because I'm not eating that well lately. I've been working out harder than usual and maybe I'm not taking proper care of myself. I should probably incorporate more rest, but I'm always worried about falling out of the habit. I always sleep pretty well, but it's rare that I'm not getting enough protein and vitamins the way I probably am lately.

What I need to do to deal with this, I think, is an actual free period of time where I'm not drowning in grading to catch up-- make maybe a few days' worth of nutritious dinners, rest without running around, and straighten up my life. I haven't been keeping up my normal level of organization either, which ups my stress level. I could also use a massage-- maybe more than anything else --but I probably shouldn't spend the money right now. Or hell, the time. But if this level of exhaustion and stress is making me less productive, maybe I just need to find the way to make it happen.

Today is Mardi Gras, which means that the start of Lent is tomorrow. I like to observe Lent in some way, mostly as an exercise in self-discipline for a structured duration for a good cause. Traditionally the observance is giving up some indulgence, particularly one that isn't good for them. Most people now interpret with something food-related; I myself used to use processed sugar as my go-to, and while that would probably be good for me right now, I think I'd like to use it as an opportunity to change some behavioral habits that I'd like to improve in some way.

Last year for Lent I gave up procrastination, and that was actually pretty good for me. I resolved to do the things I needed to at their appointed time, rather than putting them off to the last minute, as well as cutting down on "screwing around time," like being on Twitter when I should have been working or something. I think I'd like to do something like that again. I feel like my work habits need an overhaul, as I've fallen back into the struggle to get my head into whatever I'm doing, and being highly distractable, even from tasks I theoretically want to do. I am going to devise a system that I will stick to for Lenten period, and see if in that time it gets more natural or automatic.

I like giving it a shot over Lent because doing it for a set period makes it feels easier than just "you have to work hard on this forever indefinitely." And with that period of practice, it might get easier to implement on a consistent basis. Structure always helps my brain, and lately I can use a dose of it to get me back on track.

I plowed through an epic amount of work today. It was pretty grueling, but at least I can go into this weekend without stressing out about getting things done. I'm experimenting this semester with setting designated "work times" that I will always stick to. I utilize scheduling a fair bit, but I tend to schedule things whenever is convenient rather than sticking to "hours on" and "hours off." I'm trying it for a while to see if it helps me focus and not feeling like I constantly should be doing more work.

I am still pretty depressed, but I'm trying to push on through it. Today I went back to eating paleo and am fighting to not lapse back into being a sugar vacuum. I think I will at least physically feel a little better. As I've mentioned, the biggest issue is I'm not INTERESTED in anything I could be doing. I don't feel excited or get any pleasure from stuff I theoretically should want to pursue. I guess that's classic depression. But I don't know what to do about it, and it's become a real problem as I end up not working on anything because nothing seems worth it.

I've had a bee in my bonnet for ages now about doing little audio or video recordings of my thoughts. Maybe like journal entries, or maybe something more codified. I've been listening to podcasts a bit more lately and I guess it's given me the bug. I know every asshole thinks they can do a podcast, and I don't know if I any of the unique things I have to say would be at all interesting for people to listen to. So I keep stopping myself because it doesn't seem worth it. But the idea's been nagging at me, and it would be better than wasting my time not working on anything, so maybe I should just do it and not care if it's any good or if anybody cares about it.

I got offered an interview this morning for teaching a writing class at Bentley University. That's awesome! Except... I don't know if I could accept it if offered. UGH.

When I was concerned that my third class at Lesley might get cancelled due to low enrollment, I started applying to other universities to see if I could get another class elsewhere as a backup. It turned out that the class isn't going to be cancelled after all, so my schedule was safe. However, I'd sent out a handful of applications by that point, and today I heard back from Bentley asking if I could come in for an interview.

This is of course a good thing! I'm glad my resume and cover letter were strong enough to get invited in. Bentley is a four-year college that's literally like ten minutes from my house, so getting a relationship there would be awesome. But when I was planning my schedule for the fall, it was taking into account how I'll be directing Vivat Regina and the inaugural production of Base Instruments for Arisia this year. Directing two plays, even if one of them is a reprise, is a lot of work. I was pretty burnt out last year by just that plus two classes and tutoring. I wouldn't have to tutor with a fourth class-- tutoring is easier, but a class is more money --but the real kicker is the grading.

Lesson planning and actual in-class time are certainly work, but for me at least, the most seriously labor-intensive is the grading. Literally the worst part of being an English teacher is reading and responding to all those papers in an actually constructive manner. Taking on an additional class would likely mean an extra fifteen to twenty students' worth of grading for the semester. Maybe I could manage to do it, but I imagine it would be a pretty miserable workload. Do I really want that level of stress?

I consulted the archives of Ask a Manager, a great advice website from a woman who is a consultant in management, professional practices, and job searching. She's a great source on the best practices of modern professional life. She is of the opinion that one should not accept an interview one knows one will turn down. Her reasoning is that you risk the hiring manager feeling that you've wasted their time, which could alienate them from ever calling you back in should you ever apply there again, and stealing an interview slot from someone who actually does really want the job. The former I definitely don't want to do, as I could see myself in a situation in the future where it would be great to be teaching there, and the latter I know how painful it can be when folks don't call you back.

So I guess my only two options are either politely decline the interview for scheduling reasons, or accept the interview with the intention of taking the job if offered. I'll have to think which one is going to be right for me.

Remember my resolution to go back to writing in my journal on the regular? Yeah, that didn't happen.

Unfortunately, neither did my using my three weeks off as a break. I didn't have work, no, but inwaterwrit got married and I was her maid of honor, so the first week was taken up with helping her. That was a ton of fun, but then Bernie had his graduation ceremony. And then, because I never visit him in Baltimore, I agreed to go back to Maryland with him to attend Balticon. We worked tech for it, which was also fun and got us in for free, and Bernie even helped me do a bit of networking that might lead to something good for me. But now I'm at home for the weekend, to be there to help out my dad with some landscaping chores. Again, all that stuff is good, but it meant I didn't do much resting, and didn't get much of the catching up done that I'd been meaning to. Since I'm going back to work on Monday, I guess there goes that.

Honestly, I haven't been doing that well lately. I've been pretty consistently exhausted for the last several months, and I'd been hoping my between-trimester break would help me get myself back. But that didn't happen, and I'm a little afraid it's not going to. It's contributed to a vague depression for a while now that I'm not sure how to lift. I'm hoping that since even when I go back to work it won't be nearly as intense will mean I actually do eventually recover. But I haven't felt like myself in a while.

Looking at my life right now, I've been trying to make a plan to manage my enormous level of commitment, and, by consequence, stress, that I've got going on right now. The only real solution seems to be I just need to stick it out until May. I was not thrilled to realize this, as I really am struggling with the amount of work and responsibility I've got right now, but there just isn't anything I can step back from. Not without enormous negative consequences, anyway. So I don't think there's anything left but to steel myself with the end in mind.

Because it does turn out that by the first or second week of May, all the stuff I'm currently doing should reach completion. My teaching semesters will end and I'll get a short break. My shows will have gone up. I will not be responsible for so much. And that's only a month to six weeks away. I hope I don't break down in that time, but I think I can handle that knowing that a respite is coming.

I think I'm going to take it easy this summer. I've got my work more or less nailed down for the fall, so I don't need to worry about getting classes this time around. So, even though it will mean less money, maybe I'll just tutor and do like one class to keep my resume solid. I could use a few light months, after the constant demand I've been living. And I won't take on a lot of big projects. I'll focus on taking care of myself-- something that's fallen by the wayside very much recently --and having a little fun, seeing friends and doing non-work stuff. Go back to writing! I know I tend to always load myself up when I have free time, but I really want to commit to being uncommitted during that time. My mental and physical health might need it.

Having a hard time coming up with a coherent entry. I have been feeling overwhelmed by my responsibilities lately, which hasn't left a lot of brainpower for much besides getting through. I have no particular end in sight, unfortunately, but gotta keep the old head above the water. So here's some random stuff about what I've got going on.

I think I have my Mrs. Hawking pilot where it needs to be. At least, I think so. I'm a bit concerned I've lost all critical perspective on the thing, but I'm probably being hard on myself, as that has been a thing with me lately. I plan on sending it to the producer I spoke to no later than one month after our initial meeting.

In the meantime, I am also working on a show bible to send along with it. It needs to be short, I'm shooting for about three pages, but still give all the information necessary to imagine it as a series. Right now I'm just banging it out, with the intention of cutting it back.

These compressed-period, four-hour-long classes I'm teaching right now are rough. Not only do they require more planning in a shorter amount of time, just teaching for four hours straight is not easy. I'm doing okay with it, but it takes a lot out of me.

I need to start building regular social back into my days. I've been so burnt and overwhelmed I haven't been seeing any friends, which isn't good. I think I need to start making a conscious effort to schedule at least one social thing every week. I've been feeling kind of adrift lately on top of the exhaustion, and it might help with the bad feelings to enjoy the company of friends more often.