All Eyes on Me

I have such angry feelings about the whole Neil Gaiman situation. Most of them are the same as what most folks, given how disgusting that behavior is. But I think I’m tripping over a dimension of them I haven’t seem much discussion of, and I want to grind over that a little.

As I said, I’m disgusted, but not really heartbroken. I like Gaiman’s work a fair bit, but never loved it, nor did it mean a huge amount to me. So it doesn’t feel like a betrayal in that dimension. But it does get at me on a personal level every time a man who has achieved something like I’d love to achieve uses that achievement to abuse people.

I confess to dreams of superstar creative status, though I’m not delusional enough to think they’re likely to ever come true. So if I’m very honest, I harbor a fair bit of jealousy for the few writers who ever get there, Neil Gaiman among them. So every time some superstar is revealed to be a monster— specifically, the kind of monster who leverages their status to take advantage of and hurt people —it just makes my blood boil with the injustice of it.

I know so many super talented, totally kind and decent people who labor in obscurity while assholes like him, like Joss Whedon, like others, find enormous creative success. I mean, God knows I’m not a perfect person. The toxic ambition and jealousy are the least of it— I basically just centered my own frustration in a discussion of people who were assaulted by a man with power. God forgive me. But a big part of why I want the status that comes along with attention and accolades is to use it to treat people BETTER, not hurt and take advantage of them.

That kind of success confers power. People want to collaborate with you, supply you with resources, facilitate you getting your work done. I want those things not just to make my own work better, but to give me the ability to thank and support those who have helped me in the way they deserve. To see that they get accolades, support, attention, adulation, compensation, equal to contributions. And to protect them from struggles and pains in the neck that could get in their work.

Like, take our most recent Hawking live show. We ran into all kind of problems with the technical setup at the event that was hosting us, and not a lot of investment in helping us solve those problems. It made it so much harder for the cast and crew to do their jobs. They’re amazing, so of course they knocked it out of the park anyway, but they shouldn’t have had to deal with that after all their hard work. And I felt frustrated and ashamed, because I had so little power to mitigate that for them. Because I’m not important enough to warrant anything better.

The whole time, I couldn’t shake the feeling. If I were somebody— if Breaking Light Productions was something— people would do better for us. They’d feel it more necessary to support us. And I’d have the resources to fix problems when they happened. But I’m not, so I can’t.

The folks who have been kind enough to collaborate with me deserve so much better that I can offer. Right now, I can’t pay anybody what they’re worth. I can’t even promise a smooth experience where they’re able to just show up and do what they agreed to do. I want to have that power so I can do better for them. So every time I hear about somebody using that power to hurt, it turns my stomach with the unfairness. Sure, maybe you’re talented— but there are so many talented people who aren’t assholes! Why should the assholes be the ones who get uplifted?

Just grinds my gears.

A lot of life and personal maintenance stuff has kind of crashed in on me all at once. Finally managed to get in for a doctor’s appointment, which was tricky after my insurance changed, to deal with increasing heartburn trouble. I got the COVID booster and flu shot, which left me feeling sick enough to be uncomfortable but not sick enough to take time off. I got an eye doctor appointment for the first time in way, way too long, as the already-outdated prescription on my glasses hit the breaking point. I’ve finally got new ones on the way, but since I can’t do without my current ones, the point of constant eyestrain they’ve reached is really wearing on me. Also I’ve needed to get some dental work done for a while now, but I’ve yet to successfully fight through the scheduling problems my current dentist has been throwing at me, so that’s gone on way too long too. Combine it with needing to take my car in for maintenance, I feel like everything’s messed up at once. I’m good at taking care of myself in a day to day sense— routines, deadlines, exercise, eating right, sleeping enough —which may be why I can get away with not doing these appointment things as often as I should. But they also feel really hard when the time comes around.

Gotta get that dental appointment already. I’m nervous there’s a real problem, since I’ve needed to get my wisdom teeth out for a long time. But my damn dentist won’t pick up the phone, and I never seem to have time to drive out and actually ask for one at the desk. I actually tried that TWICE; the first time they ended up cancelling the appointment the day before, and the second time they said their scheduling software was down and couldn’t do it. Maybe I should just get a new dentist, but figuring out who takes my insurance seems like an even bigger pain.

Also the eyestrain is really getting to me. I think I could tell my glasses were starting to get out of date for a few weeks now, but this week they just seemed to crash into the wall. I’ve had a low-grade headache for days now. I’ve got new glasses on the way, but they’re not delivered yet, and the new prescription is different enough I’m anticipating a long period of getting used to them. Probably means I’m in for headaches (maybe even nausea) for weeks more.

I’m feeling pretty ground down. It won’t last too much longer, I’m sure, but in the meantime… ugh.

I’ve been in my new job for about two months now, and it’s been a lot. I’m think I’m doing a pretty good job at it, but the demand to do it has been more than I expected, and it’s kept me extremely busy. I think the big thing that’s getting to me is that I don’t have as much control over my schedule as I would like.

An explicit part of my position is to be available to students to help them work on assignments to ensure they pass, and I knew that going in. But while the plan was that this would happen during office hours, about half the students I connect with can’t make it during these times. So I frequently find myself having to meet at unplanned times during my day when I thought I’d be doing something else, because otherwise I wouldn’t be able to work with the kid. I’m not expected to be constantly available, but they do want me to reach the students, and it’s become clear that’s often what it takes. Particularly since this current freshman class needs a lot of support, both with the material and with the skills of executive function.

I’m the kind of person that likes my schedule to be very regimented and predictable, so that’s been kind of a struggle for me. And because I have to be available for office hours no matter when the kids schedule, sometimes it’s tough to fit in things like lunch before I have to be at my desk. I’m still getting the hang of it; I’m starting to figure it out but I’m not quite there yet.

I also haven’t done any creative work of any kind in that time. I wrote one new Text from Avengers Tower, and that’s it. I’ve been focusing on the job and trying to make sure I figure out how to do the best I possibly can at it, but it’s been too long. I really need to figure out how to fit my writing and things back into my daily routine. I don’t like how long it’s been, but as I said, I’m not quite in a groove with my frequently-thrown-off schedule yet. But it’s definitely time I take steps, because I don’t like how separated I am from my creativity right now.

Got overcharged on my airport taxi because the driver took a wrong turn. My early morning flight, which I got here at four to make, was pushed back so far I’m not going to make my connection. I’ve been trying to call the airline and the trip booking website for help, but they’ve shuttled me back and forth between them a grand total of eight times this morning, with no assistance in sight.

And as if that wasn’t enough, I got pulled out of the security line by a TSA agent. That always fucking happens to me for some reason, but this time apparently the knee brace and tights I was wearing under my jeans meant she had to touch my breasts and butt.

I haven’t seen Bernie in a year and a half and I really do not have the money to do all this over again. Why wouldn't they just change my goddamn flight?

Eventually just bagged it on trying to get anything fixed about the old itinerary and went for a new one, on a larger airline. Still fighting to get the old one officially cancelled and refunded— there’s a weird miscommunication between the airline and the booking company —but according to policy I should be able to make that happen once the information sharing actually occurs.

I don’t get in until much, much later, and both connecting flights are a little longer. And even if I do manage to get the old trip refunded, rebooking put me already outside my budget for the trip. 😣 But at least I’ll get there without having to pay for a cab home and back again.

So I’m on track again, I guess. Had to go to a different terminal, so had to go through the security line again. Got pulled out like I always goddamn do— WHY? WHAT HAVE I DONE? —but at least it was the customary cursory pat-pat-pat instead of somebody pulling the waistband of my pants away from my body.

Now I just need to kill five hours before I can actually get on my way. Exhaustion is making everything worse, so I wish there were some place I could safely take a nap without creeping people out or my stuff being stolen.

I think somewhere, when I muttered about how I wasn’t enthused about having to go to Bernie’s family reunion, a monkey’s paw must have curled closed.

Feeling a bit... creatively blocked, at least as far as my writing goes. I put my book, Adonis, aside while I was working on Fallen Women, the newest Mrs. Hawking play, and since then I’ve been preoccupied with the staging of it. But I haven’t done any writing since then, really, and more and more my thoughts turn to wanting to fix the currently disastrous state of that novel.

As it currently stands, it really isn’t very good. It’s maybe not garbage all the way through, but it’s overall fairly bad. I want to fix it, but frankly I’m not sure how. I’m having trouble conceiving of exactly what it needs. I tend to approach my editing with a high-level goal in my mind, and works towards that goal by feel. Like, “Nathaniel’s fear needs to be more in the subtext.” Or “the Ripper’s rant needs to be scarier.” Or whatever. But for this, while I know it’s not right, I don’t really know what right IS in most cases. I don’t have a direction for what I need the editing to achieve.

My friend Mark recommended Bernard Cornwell’s The Winter King as a reference for how to tell this kind of story, an Arthurian epic set just a little bit later in history. I enjoyed the book a lot, and I do think it’s a good model for the direction I should take rewriting my novel. But I’m struggling at how to synthesize my impressions of this book into a goal I can apply to my own work. I’m not sure what to shoot for because I can’t quite figure out how to name the effect I’m observing and would like to replicate.

I’m stressing out about it. I’m afraid I can’t write this story as well as I need to. I know I need to go through the drafting process, but when I don’t know what I’m aiming for, I don’t even know how to keep drafting. I’m feeling pretty discouraged.

So work on the next Mrs. Hawking play, our SIXTH installment, is well and truly underway.

How's it going? Uh... hard to say.

Every time, it feels like these get harder to write. The story, having gone on for five years now, has gotten very complicated. We have a lot of characters, a lot of journeys to develop and explore. And since they're capers, the plots require a lot of careful construction in order to make sense and be engaging. And since we've consistently heard we've gotten better every year, the bar gets higher and higher.

So at least every first draft FEELS like it's harder to write. I know I have said that literally every year since part three. I've also said that every installment's first draft feels like it comes out WORSE than the first draft of the previous installment. Bernie seems to think it's a case of you can never really remember what pain felt like before, so the current pain seems like the worst pain ever. Especially since I do think every script has, by the final draft, ended up better than the last.

Could that even be possible? That the first version of every script is worse than the last's first version, and the final version of every script is better than the last's final version? Or is that I feel that way a sign of how much the process makes me lose perspective?

I don't know. I just know I need to keep going.

Frankly it feels like a mess. It doesn't even have a real title yet. And I like to completely outline a script or any other writing project before I write it— I need to know where I'm going, what I'm shooting for, before I try to execute it, particularly if the plot is complex or important. But while I wanted to have the outline settled by the end of June, there were a few things that Bernie and I STILL haven't quite ironed out in our very challenging caper. So, in order to not get too far behind, I've started drafting parts we have settled on. That's risky, as these things can be a house of cards and once we figure out the one or two remaining gaps it may wreck things we thought were established. But I need to feel like I'm making progress.

The drafting also feels bad. REALLY bad. Worse than it did for the initial pass of Mrs. Frost— which seemed pretty frickin' lousy itself. And I clawed together one scene for that while literally crying to myself under a table in a classroom at Lesley. I imagine there will be more than one similar occasion for part 6.

The one thing that's keeping me from getting too upset over it is that I've recently begun editing my novel in a serious way as well, and I'm actually making progress. The first draft of the novel was BAD. Seriously, embarrassingly bad, at least in some places. Like the beginning. But I polished up the prologue and the first three chapters so I could send them to my gracious mentor Mark, and I was no longer ashamed for another human being to see them. I was really nervous about my ability to improve that work, since I don't have a backlog of prose projects that turned out after editing. But if I could actually dig something meaningful out of that hot mess... well, I can probably trust my ability to handle a process I've completed to increasing success literally five times before.

Just have to trust the process. When you're going through hell— KEEP GOING.

I think my wisdom teeth are reaching the crisis point. I was told in the last year that they were starting to look a little funny and would need to come out eventually. But the other day I poked at a little discomfort in the back of my mouth and ended up jangling a tooth that is clearly trying to bust its way out and is forced to do it at a weird angle. Now I'm feeling it all the time back there. It doesn't quite hurt, unless something really bangs against it, but I'm definitely noticing it more than I did previously. It's annoying, because the year before they appeared to be coming in straight and didn't even look to need extraction.

I'm not excited to get them dealt with. I'm not super bothered by dental work or surgery, but I really do not have the time or money to spend on it. I have dental insurance, but I always seem to end up paying a bunch anyway every time I get anything done. And the recovery time and arrangements are going to be a pain. I tend to react pretty strongly to general anesthetic. The last time I was put under for a procedure, it took me a long time to get straight again, and I ended up sleeping for like fourteen hours. I'm probably going to need somebody to pick me up and babysit me, at least until I can get home to bed. I hate imposing on people, especially with all the scheduling issues that would involve. Also I'm told I was pretty fucking weird last time as I was coming out of it, grouchy and yelling and acting ridiculous. My own embarrassment aside, I hate to subject anyone to that.

Ugh. It's going to be a pain, and an expensive one at that. I think all of my wisdom teeth need to come out, too. But I know I'm going to be sorry if I don't figure this out sooner rather than later.

I have been bitching and moaning a lot lately about the amount of costuming I own. It's just getting to the point where it's outgrown the storage space I have for it and encroaching on living space. I'm lucky in that I have a lot of closets and places to tuck boxes away, but I have had to get increasingly inventive and put things in places where I find them an imposition. I think the only real answer is to do a serious culling, but I'm reluctant to do it due to the nature of building and making use of this particular kind of collection.

The Victorian stuff is the most important part of it. I need it for the Mrs. Hawking plays, given how large an element lush and attractive costuming is for those shows. In the most recent piece, Mrs. Frost, most characters had three or four outfits, and nobody had less than two. We have mostly the same cast coming back for the performances, but I try to keep some alternative sizes on hand in case a new actor has to sub in. Having multiple options that way makes the collection larger with things that don't often get used, but it's necessary to accommodate changes with any efficiency.

Since that's the majority of what I'm doing right now, it might make sense to keep only the Victorian stuff. But I have so many things that are unique and interesting such that if I ever do get rid of them, they're basically irreplaceable. They were dug out of cleared-out theater storage, or found in thrift stores. They don't get used often at this point, but I often find I have exactly the perfect thing for a larp, or another show, or to lend to somebody who needs it that I can't bear the thought of tossing the cool interesting stuff even if it doesn't get much call. I just repurposed a dance costume I bought for "Lame Swans", the photographic graphic novel I made in grad school for an Intercon costume I'm really pleased with. That thing's been shoved in a plastic bin for like five or six years, because I liked it too much to get rid of it. I feel vindicated in a way. But it doesn't solve my storage problem, or the feeling of being overwhelmed by the space demands of my collection. Hell, I still have ALL the costuming from the Lame Swans project, including enough simple solid colored skirted dance leotards to outfit a small army. SERIOUSLY, IF YOU NEED TO DRESS AN ARMY OF SOLID COLORED BALLERINAS, HIT ME UP. I GOT RED, PURPLE, DARK BLUE, AND LIGHT BLUE.



I was also struck pretty strongly by the experience of dressing the ensemble for the large ballroom scene on the Mrs. Hawking film. I used almost every single ballgown and tuxedo piece I owned— WHICH IS A LOT —to make that happen, and it would have been literally impossible if I hadn't had so much at my fingertips. I found that process to be pretty brutal, honestly, even with the enormous amount of help Jenn gave me to get everybody actually properly dressed, so the idea of anything that might have made it harder is kind of terrifying. But it makes me even more nervous to get rid of stuff, because I've seen how much help it can be to have it on hand.

I think I need to sit down with an obliging friend (Jenn seems like a good candidate) who can help me get some outside perspective on what's actually special enough to keep and what is just taking up space. It occurs to me that the weird color obsession I have with dressing the Hawking characters might help me make decisions about the Hawking stuff. For example, light blue womenswear has been pretty exclusively limited to Mary and Frost, so if I've got a light blue piece that neither of them is likely to wear, I should probably thank it for its service and release it into the wild, Marie Kondo-style. I think an additional brain or two with less subjective concerns might help.

If I don't do something, I may be crushed to death in the impending tuxedo-pants-and-eighties-prom-dress avalanche.

Apparently they're going to be making a Howard the Duck TV series? Really, Marvel? You don't have enough going on that you have to go to THAT well too? UGH.

I've never been a fan, but that's not why I think it's a dumb idea. I was so annoyed when he showed up in that Guardians of the Galaxy stinger. I grouse about this any time anybody talks about the idea of the character being brought back in a modern work.

Howard the Duck is designed to be a parody, specifically of the "Funny Animal" genre of comics, of which characters like the Looney Tunes are examples. Llike many parodies, the central conceit of Howard relies on having that very specific cultural context in order for the satire to "read" or make any kind of sense. But we have so little presence of "Funny Animals" of the style Howard references in our current media— it's very much OUT of style now —I don't think most people are still familiar enough with it. The only real presence it currently has in modern pop culture is Mickey Mouse and his crew; in fact, I think Donald is the most direct inspiration for Howard. But even they've grown past a lot of the old conventions of their genre such that I don't think most people really recognize them.

Maybe the resurgeance of the new Duck Tales show will re-ground people in it. Though again, everything in present pop culture that grew out of the "Funny Animal" genre has changed a LOT. What the fuck would Howard even be about without that element of parody? I mean, a HUGE chunk of the joke was mocking the convention of "why is this person randomly an animal and nobody thinks that's weird" you so often found in the old comics? My guess is that it'll become a generic parody of children's cartoon media, like Duckman kind of was. But that seems dull to me; Howard isn't that interesting a character, and that just seems like a recipe to play up the crassest aspects, falling back on "Haha, isn't it funny that this guy who looks like a children's character is horny and swears and smokes cigars?"

So I really don't know what artistic perspective they could have for the character that's going to make sense. Do enough people really like fucking Howard the Duck to make it worth doing as a cash thing? Because I can't imagine what VISION somebody would have for him at this point. Comedy is the fastest of all forms to age, and parody goes with it once people forget what's being parodied. (See: Gilbert and Sullivan's "Patience," which if you've never understood that musical, that's why.)

Been weirdly and inappropriately anxious lately. I'm ninety percent sure it's leftovers in the coming-down process from being on so intensely to make the Mrs. Hawking shows happen, but it's been hard to manage. I've been trying to relax, taking advantage of having more free time in which to chill, but it seems to have resulted in me becoming spacier and making dumb mistakes. I screwed up two fairly significant appointments in the past week, which does nothing to reduce my anxiety levels. Not only do I feel worse for making them, it reinforces the notion hovering in my brain that unless I practice constant nervous vigilance, I will not stay on top of my life. I've been in a small self-recrimination loop over it, which again— NOT HELPING ME CHILL.

It will pass, I'm sure. I need to quit beating myself up, to start. And to give it a little more time. I got my house more or less in order, which happened surprisingly fast this time, and does a lot to make me more comfortable in my space. I've got some time before class gets intense again, so at least I won't be bombarded with responsibility again for a little while.

As a side note, I really, really don't like when people post generically encouraging or inspirational memes and things that say, like, "You are enough," or "You're doing a good job." Do those actually make anybody feel better? I always get stuck on "YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHO IS LOOKING AT THESE OR WHAT THEIR LIFE IS LIKE." Maybe they're not doing a good job! Maybe they're failing! Maybe they're a racist or an asshole! And for myself— even though I know I do a lot and am basically doing okay —never feel like they're speaking to me because "you meet the baseline level of human acceptableness" is NEVER a comfort to me. When I'm working hard to excel, being told, "What you're doing is FINE," is not helpful, but I'm not shooting for fine. I'm shooting for excellent.

Whatever. That's dumb and doesn't matter. No criticism intended for people who do find those things a comfort. But due to feeling a little directionless anxiety, I am twitchier than I usually am.