Because evidently I am a child

[breakinglight11]

It's times like these when I'm forced to conclude that you can't say anything to anyone.

...

You know what, I was just going to stop there all cryptic and punchy, but I'm not going to leave it at that.

I have a favor to ask of everyone. In dealing with me, I very humbly request that you err on the side of assuming that I'm self-aware-- that is, AWARE of things in regards to MYSELF. Please do not point out rather basic "Have you considered doing X" or "Could Y be the problem" because, please trust me, I HAVE THOUGHT OF IT. As I have said recently, I work very hard to clearly and ruthlessly understand myself, and that means I do a lot of self-examination and mulling over things that need dealing with in my life. Anything you can think of in the rare moment that your attention in on my problem, it has almost certainly already occurred to me.

I know people care and are just trying to help. But lately it seems that the general consensus about me is I just sort of sashay through my life not examining anything that arises for me, and if it's a problem maybe I just vaguely wonder why things seem to be all messed up and not, in fact, quietly and privately figure out what the trouble is and what I can do to fix it. It hurts my feelings, frankly feels disrespectful, that people assume that I'm not examining myself, not dealing with my problems, and that I couldn't come up with that stuff on my own. If you could in in an offhand moment bumping up against someone else's life, wouldn't the person whose life it actually is have to be an idiot not to have thought of it themselves?

I don't believe in airing laundry in public. I far and away prefer handling the bumps and snags in my life away from prying eyes. I gather that to some people, just because they don't witness me doing it, the assumption is that I don't actually deal with my problems. This notion is madness to me-- it's nobody's business but my own, and trust me to deal with the things that need dealing with.

So, in summary-- I am not a fool, nor am I a child. Things occur to me. I am under no illusions. It does not mean I have not examined or dealt with some just because I have not shared that process with you. Do me the courtesy, next time something comes up for you like this, of assuming that I am self-aware enough to have, in fact, considered the options and possibilities of whatever it is in my life.

Comments

[laurion]

I'll only add two little counter-arguments to this. In general, I -completely- agree with you.

First, humans, and especially true for males (from what I know), have an instinctual reaction to try to fix problems when problems are presented to them. Whether this is an evolved social behavior or a trained one I'll not speculate, but just be aware that it is instinct, and it is hard for people to -not- say things like that sometimes. Cut them some slack.

Second, chances are darned good they don't think you're an idiot (or else they wouldn't bother listening to you in the first place) and that you haven't though of these things, but by making these statements, they are perhaps consciously or unconsciously trying to show you that they -are- listening and that they are trying to understand. Providing statements like those is a way of echoing back to the source a certain amount of listening and understanding. Again, this is something often instinctively done and echoing is part of normal conversation all the time. Also worth slack cutting.

[in-water-writ.livejournal.com]

I highly sympathize with this feeling. John's parents, while wonderful people, tend to ask if we've thought of x, y, z for every single decision we make. And if X Y or Z were something I hadn't thought of, it would be less annoying, but they're simple things, and often, I actually feel insulted that they didn't think we could figure that out on our own. It drives me a little nuts. They sent their son away to school for four years, and, miracle of miracles, he's not dead! I lived 200 miles from my parents for 5 years, and, lo and behold, managed to come back in one piece! To me it just feels like they assume we are entirely incompetent, irresponsible, and incapable, and while I know they do it out of concern, I resent it. I would much rather they didn't ask, and let us learn from any mistakes we make. I'd rather have their trust than their concern.

And while I love him, John has a tendency to do that "explaining things I already know, thank you" thing when I tell him stories about people who have ticked me off. "Well, Jenn, the thing you have to understand is, most people just don't care how they treat strangers." Yes, thank you, I know that. I wasn't asking you to explain the actions of these people, I was simply complaining. I know, not something to brag about, but I don't need someone to explain or guess why someone was a jerk to me, I'm just annoyed about it and want you to know.

So, I'm there with you and the "Please don't treat me like an idiot or a child" sentiment.