All Eyes on Me

As I mentioned in my previous entry about the library shelves, the living room isn’t the only part of the house improved by having them. Since there wasn’t room for all eleven segments downstairs, we also put some into the two rooms upstairs we set aside for our offices. Bernie’s is the office he uses to work from home, and in addition to storing books and tchotchkes, it makes for a nice environment for him to take video calls. The rest went into my office, which was in dire need of some building out.

When we first moved in, we decided we would take one of the smaller rooms upstairs for our bedroom, since we didn’t need much space in there and it would be easier to heat and cool. That would allow us to use the larger master bedroom for other things, and since Bernie wanted the basement for his game room, that could allow me to use that space for my projects, and storing all the attendant STUFF they require.

But for a frustratingly long time, it was clear I didn’t have it set up the way I wanted it. My costume collection went into the spacious closet, which was nice. We put the bed that was mine in my old house in there so we’d have a place for guests, but beyond that I didn’t have the right furniture to really use the room. My work table from the old place ended up being stacked with stuff, like my sewing supplies, making it only half as useable as a work space. And I had boxes of books and things piled up that had no place to be unpacked to. It felt neither useable nor even pleasant to be in there, so I really wasn’t taking advantage of this nice space set aside for my work.

When I put some of the library shelves in there, it completely transformed the space for me. Being able to unpack and decorate in there made it feel comfortable for me in a way it hadn’t before, and I found myself able to figure out how best to arrange it for myself.



Here’s the guest bed, made up in its winter neutrals. I like having a comfortable place for guests to stay, ready even on short notice. It also makes a good place for me to nest, since I like to work sometimes from a blanket pile instead of upright in a chair. We brought up one of the end tables that used to be in my old living room to use as a nightstand, and I draped the garland from my old bedroom over the headboard. The Board of Crazy from Mrs. Hawking part V: MRS. FROST hangs on the wall over it, because I always thought it was a really cool prop and I enjoy seeing it displayed.



Having realized I needed a storage solution to free up my work top, I went on a hunt for a few new pieces of furniture. I’ve always been really good at thrifting and finding things secondhand, and it wasn’t long before I found this old sideboard in my neighborhood for cheap. I could move my sewing stuff to the top of it, and fill the cabinets with props, costumes, and other supplies. I also like that in a pinch I can use it for extra counter space.



My work table I then moved out to stand free in this half of the room. I want to keep it mostly clear so I can use it for different projects. Right now it’s set up in painting mode, with my mats spread out, but my computer can also sit here when I need it for a desk. I find I like being able to walk all the way around it, and have room to do things like set up lights and cameras if I need to film on it. There’s also room for storage tubs to live out of the way underneath it.



Here are the sections of library shelf, with my books and decorated with various things I like— particularly my Monster High dolls, which I’ve placed in little tableaux. I felt slightly embarrassed when I was setting them up, feeling silly for being a grown adult collecting them. But honestly it really goes give me joy to look at them, and here in my own space I should just make it the way I like it, and not worry what other people think.



The last new-to-me piece of furniture I found was an apothecary chest, an antique full of long thing drawers that’s perfect for dolls, supplies, and bits and bobs I need for my various crafts. It also happens to be the perfect size to display this Monster High doll house— I’m sure our overnight guests feel very secure with these little creatures watching over them. I also hung this whiteboard, though I’m not sure what I’ll use it for yet, and a few prized mementos from shows.

The room is not quite done yet. There is a pretty armoire that matches the bed frame that I'd like to get from my dad's house, but I haven't decided whether that should go in here or in my bedroom. Either place might need a bit of rearranging so as not to feel crowded. And I feel like there's still some room for art to hang on the walls. But it makes me happy how it's come together. I feel comfortable in here, and able to do projects. I didn't realize how much I hadn't enjoyed being in here before, until I finally committed to making it my own. Now it feels like a huge improvement in our home.

It’s been about two weeks since a couple of major life changes went into effect— Bernie and I moved into together into a new place we’re renting in Newton, and I started my new job as a full-time instructor at Lesley University.

These changes were very, very welcome for me; I’ve been feeling a bit stuck in place in these aspects of my life for a while now, so I’m delighted to have made these big forwards steps. Bernie and I finally got to end our seven-year period of long distance, and I really love being in our new place. It feels like a weight’s off me being in a home that feels like ours. Having roommates was tough on me, and Bernie and I getting to be together in the day to day and do things are own way is something I’ve been dreaming of for a long time. It might just be the excitement of the new and fresh right now, but I think this is going to make for a serious improvement in my everyday mental health.

I’ve also, basically at the same time, begun a new position at my longtime employer Lesley as a full-time faculty instructor instead of just an adjunct. This is a really big career step forward for me, so I’m very happy of the opportunity. If you know anything about the current state of academia, you know that full-time teaching posts have become harder and harder to come by, with most of the teaching load filled with part-time adjuncts that are not well-compensated. Getting to move up in an institution from adjunct to full-timer is a pretty big deal, especially with how competitive the market is. Considering more and more if not most faculty have PhDs now, I’m pretty proud of the fact that my accomplishments were sufficient to be hired even though I only have an MFA. It’s more money than I’ve ever made too, and while I’ve for many years held multiple part-time jobs, this is the first real salaried full-time position I’ve ever had.

Setting up a new house and starting a new job all at once, however, is a LOT. The house is coming together, but it’s been slow going, especially since we don’t have quite enough furniture for it. And I really love the place, but it’s definitely nicer than our stuff is! Still, I don’t want to just buy a bunch of things before I’m sure what we really want to live with. I haven’t even begun to work out my office, and the kitchen is only fifty percent of truly functional, so there’s still a lot left to figure out.

And the job is a lot as well. I have a large mentoring component in addition to my classes. I really appreciate not having to drive between multiple schools, but a very high level of student support outside of class is an explicit part of my position. I’m still figuring out what my days are going to look like, what the most effective student support strategies are, and how best to manage my time. I’m supposed to help with passing and retention rates, which is kind of a tall order, but if I do well, there’s a chance my currently-one-year-appointment could be made permanent.

All this means I’ve been busy enough that I’ve done basically no creative work since September started. It feels really strange, but I’m trying to just be okay with it. I think I need to prioritize building the new shape of my life right now, since laying those foundations well will put me in a better position later. And I really don’t want to burn myself out, seeing as these life and work chores simply have to get done. Bernie and I already decided we’re not having a live Hawking performance at Arisia this year, only sending our filmed recordings and maybe a Q&A if they want it, and with both of us in new jobs and the move it becomes even clearer it was the right decision.

So, good things have happened! Though they are a lot of work. :-D

I really like things that smell nice, and wearing nice scents. I particularly love nice lotions, and find them my preferred way to put on fragrance. I have a hard time gauging how much perfume to use— I find the line between my skin eating it and it being way too much is easy to cross. My mother thought using body spray was the gateway drug to not showering and I can’t touch the stuff without hearing her disapproval. So while I’ve got those too, I end up using lotion more than anything else. I have a hard time resisting buying the stuff whenever the opportunity presents, and I sometimes think my ideal state of being would be just living in a big sack or tub of it all the time.

But then the perfume, which doesn’t last forever, goes bad because I don’t use it. So I had an idea to buy a bunch of unscented lotion— I personally like the stuff from the Hairy Farmpit Girls, a charming queer-owned small business who writes hilarious anecdotes of life on their farm. Every time I use it, I’m going to combine it with one of my little “imp’s ears”, which is what Black Phoenix Alchemy Labs calls their little sample vials of scent. They’re kind of an alt, gothy perfume company I’ve been a fan of since friends introduced me to it in college, and they sell little samples that I have quite a collection of at this point.

Some of them I didn’t end up liking, and some I didn’t use up fast enough before the scent changed with age. But of the ones I do like and want to wear, I thought mixing them into the plain lotion would be a practical way to actually make use of them. It’ll be like having a different kind of lotion every day, without having a million bottles cluttering up my life. (Reminder to self not to buy a million more kinds of lotion.) It’s always pleasant to be around a person who smells nice, so I like the idea of that being me.

Sorry to complain so much lately. I should probably just shut up. But I feel so uncomfortable lately. Nothing extreme, I guess, just a constant low-level of physical and emotional discomfort that's been dragging at me. It makes concentration, particularly when I'm struggling to feel interested in anything, even tougher than usual.

The thing about it that's throwing me most, though, is that this state of discomfort has made me uncontrollably comfort-seeking. That is normally not me AT ALL. Usually I'm pretty damn self-disciplined in the service of the things I want and am working toward. But not right now! Now I'm eating compulsively, and where once I was successfully avoiding carbs and sugar six days a week, now I've started back in on Coke and junk and can't seem to stop. My body is achy and sore, my energy level is low, so all I want to do is lay in a heap. I'm also spending too much money, because it makes things easier, even though it's a terrible idea for me right now. But again, my self-control is almost nil.

So, with so much screwing around, the biggest problem is I'm struggling with how to spend my time. Soon I'm going to be so full up with school and show stuff that I won't have spare moment. I really, really don't want to waste this much time. But everything that occurs to me to work on just seems stupid and pointless, which kills any resolve I can build up to work on it.

Probably I just have to choose something and do it. Or else I'll do nothing. But I do hate when I waste effort on something that would be better spent on something else. How do you build up focus and interest in things? Is there anything you can do, or are you at the mercy of the natural reactions of your brain? I've never successfully found a way to make myself care about something I don't naturally care about, but lately I don't even care about that stuff.

I find myself more interested in wearing scents lately. I'm lucky in that I don't sweat very much, but some people carry a nice scent with them everywhere they go and I want to be like that. Currently I've been rotating between three fragrances that I really enjoy.

The first one is the one I've been wearing the longest, Alice from Black Phoenix Alchemy Labs. rigel give me my first bottle of it as a very sweet gift to congratulate me on the successful first run of Alice my larp. By sheer luck, it turned out to be my favorite perfume I've ever encountered. The notes are listed as "milk and honey with rose, carnation and bergamot," so it's a little unusual. A warm, spicy, dark sort of scent. It's probably too heavy for some, and it reminds me of the musk oil my grandma used to wear when I was a kid, so its sensibility may be a bit dated, but I really like it. I always knew I had the soul of an old lady.

The second one is the fanciest and most mainstream, Opium by Yves St. Laurent. I inherited a bottle from my mother, so it's a pretty old at this point, but its character is still recognizable. The formula is extremely complicated and the resulting scent hard to describe: "top notes are a mixture of fruit and spices, with mandarin orange, plum, clove, coriander and pepper, as well as bay leaf. Its floral middle notes consist predominantly jasmine, rose and Lily of the Valley, in addition to carnation, cinnamon, peach and orris root. It is underlined by the sweet woody base note containing sandalwood, cedarwood, myrrh, opopanax, labdanum, benzoin and castoreum, in addition to amber, incense, musk, patchouli, tolu and vetiver." It's on the warm and heavier side like Alice, but a little more delicate, more floral. It's also expensive, but when this bottle is gone it might be worth it to replace. The scent evokes strong memories of my mother, as she wore it more than anything except white tea and ginger.

The third one is new, as Casey and Sarah gave it to me for my last birthday. It can be tricky choosing scents for other people, as you don't know if what smells good to you will to them, but they actually knocked it out of the park for me. It doesn't really have a name, but it's a petal oil produced for Urban Outfitters they mark as "No. 2" with a forget-me-not top note blended with peach blossom and green tea. It's much lighter, sweeter, and more floral than Alice or Opium. Even though I tend to prefer spicy musk scents in general, it's making a nice change of pace. I also love the bottle, which has an easy to unscrew cap (unlike Opium) and has a ball in the top of it so you can roll it on (unlike either). Plus you can see the dried flowers floating around in the perfume, which is pretty.

Unfortunately my skin tends to eat whatever scent you put on it. I get a few hours out of it, and if it last any longer than that, it's usually because I put on way too much in the first place. What I should probably do is plan on reapplying, but then I'd have to bring it with me during the day. Keeping it on my vanity table has made it easier to remember to wear it, not to mention prevents it breaking in my bag. But even if it goes away quickly, it's a nice little pleasure to put it on in the morning, and I can use more little nice things in my life.

I have been trying to pare down the amount of stuff I own recently. For the last week, I have been digging through my drawers and closets and boxes to find things to either donate or throw out. I get this tremendous sense of relief when I can let go of objects; I strongly dislike clutter, and I really love the feeling of indepedence from worrying about or attachment to physical crap. So out goes anything I haven't touched in forever. Out goes any costume piece I've had forever but never used. Out goes all the clothes I never wear, or no longer enjoy wearing.

I grew up in a very clean, clutter-free home. When I was little, if we didn't touch something for a certain period of time, my dad would get rid of it. Nothing precious or important, fortunately. But it did force me to develop a zen-like detachment from material things. When I was a kid I would get upset at first, but honestly I'm glad it taught me that physical objects aren't really that important.

I sometimes find myself slipping into that creepy Depression-era mentality of, "Ugh, what if I need this useless thing sometime down the line and I have to buy a new one? I hate spending money on dumb stuff that I used to already have!" But I follow the rule of if you haven't touched it in a year (some people say five, but I'm conservative) then you really don't need it. And whatever, you had to buy a thing that was probably already pretty cheap to begin with. Useable space, and the appearance of that space, is more precious.

Bernie loves stuff. If he and I ever live together, which I'm hoping we will in the foreseeable future, this is probably going to be a sticking point to work out. I tease him by calling him a few steps away from a hoarder, which really isn't true, but to my perspective he does have an excessive attachment to things I consider to be useless clutter-- tchotchkes, broken stuff that could theoretically be repaired but never will be, "emergency backups", supplies that may never actually be needed.

I have noticed that whenever I hear about any situation that has even the suggestion of excessive amounts of stuff, I get a weird panicked feeling. If I read about hoarders, I want to pile up everything I own and set it all on fire. Even if Bernie mentions the tendency toward clutter at his parents' house, I feel the urge to start throwing stuff away. I'm not sure why my reaction is that extreme. It just feels so suffocating, like I might drown in stuff. It's pretty unreasonable, but honestly I'd rather just be free of useless crap.

There's this concept called "autonomous sensory meridian response," or ASMR, which describes kind of a pleasant tingling sensation that accompanies deep relaxation. Not everybody seems to experience it, but many people find it's triggered by whispering and other forms of white noise. A lot of people on Youtube have made videos where they roleplay some low-key activity, using guided imagery in a whisper to induce the reaction in the listener.

I only occasionally have the tingling response, but I do find the videos to be good for relaxing, particularly when I can't sleep. Sleep has been a bit funny for me recently-- I have a harder time falling asleep and a harder time waking up, which seems to have started around when my mother died. The videos I like and work best for me are usually have the maker roleplaying giving the listener a massage or facial and describe the process as they go through it. If I had the money I would get those things on a regular basis, but even just the idea of them is relaxing for me. It's a bit silly when you think about it, listening to some random person on the Internet whisper about pretending to give you a skin treatment, but it works for me. And it's a damn sight better than pills or drink or something.

Wow, I've been so busy in the last few days I've not even posted. Very negligent of me. But things have been crazy. I'm will be running costumes for Caucasian Chalk Circle, a play that's going up in the Mary O'Malley Park in Chelsea almost every night this month, which is going to be intense. It's an extremely complicated show tech-wise, involving TRAVELING FROM PLACE TO PLACE between acts, so it's definitely work-intensive. I fear burnout in the extreme, but I need the money, so I've got to ride it out.

In addition to that, we've been rehearsing for A Midsummer Night's Tempest, our little Shakespeare pastiche that the Waltham Arts Council asked us to do before their concert series on Tuesday, July 9th at 6:15PM at the gazebo in the Waltham Commons. We've put together a nice little show, aimed mostly at children to get them interested in Shakespeare, but it's been tough fitting in rehearsals. Still, it's a neat little script put together by Frances, Lenny, and Eboracum, and we do a nice job with it. It's not a long show and it's free, so come by and see us if you have the time.

With all this I feel a bit run ragged. On top of it all, the heat has been really getting me. I finally bit the bullet and put my air conditioner into the window of my bedroom. Yesterday I ran it for the first time this season out of desperation. I'd been holding off as long as I could because of how expensive it becomes to run, but I just can't take how hot it's been, I'm starting to get sick. It's just making everything harder to do. 

I really need to get back into the routine of taking better care of myself. With how swamped I've been, it's really fallen by the wayside, but with how stressed I've been, it's become extremely necessary. Trouble is, self-care takes time and attention. Extra time and the leftover brainpower to think about this stuff are two things I have had in short supply lately.

For example, not drinking enough water is a chronic problem I have. I don't feel thirsty all that often, so it's very common for me to forget to drink during the day. I get dehydration headaches and I think related physical weakness on a regular basis, and it's very likely a contributing trigger for my migraines. For my health I should be mindful to make myself drink, because it's not something I'm inclined to do on my own. But that takes remembering, putting safeguards in place takes thought, and lately I've had precious little of that left over to devote to things that aren't on deadline. Eating right and really, geuinely relaxing have also been slipping a lot. I'm still sleeping okay and I get in at least four hours of serious exercise a week, but I can feel how run down I am. It's hard to figure out what will make things better. Sleep helps some, I guess, as does wall-staring and mindless TV, but that has the consequence of making me check out of my life more. Getting a good massage is pretty surefire, now that I think about it, but it either takes money and time I don't have, or a pretty major imposition on somebody else. Still, something needs to improve.

I'm pretty tough. You name it, when it counts I can probably struggle through it-- hungry, exhausted, stressed out, in pain, overburdened, emotionally injured, I can handle it and get whatever I really need to done. The real damage is not to my productivity but to my wellbeing. I get less and less happy the longer I keep pushing through that stuff, which usually makes me get mean. The quality of my output goes down eventually like anybody else, but I personally start suffering long before my work does.

So, thing I'd like to work into my life to deal with this: drinking more water. Eating healthier meals. Some new relaxation technique, like yoga or meditation. Time where I'm not thinking or worrying about obligations. And figuring out when I can truly put everything aside for a little while. I need downtime, and the start of November didn't bring it like I tricked myself into thinking it would.