Shame issues

[breakinglight11]

One thing I always admired about C.S. Lewis's personal work is how ruthlessly self-analytical he is. I've alluded  in this space before to how he is brutally honest about who he is and what he did wrong and what is wrong with him that he made those mistakes.

I pride myself on being a self-aware person; I'm pretty good at realizing what's really going on with me, and I do a good job not letting me lie to myself. So yes, I, like Lewis, tend to know exactly what my problems, flaws, or shortcomings are. Where we differ is that he can tallk about them, confess them to the world-- when he was selfish, when he was weak, stuff like that. For owning up to those, my shame issues get too much in the way.

I'm not talking about "this thing I screwed up and did wrong." Those I try to be upfront about, the mistakes I make, because there's no better way to seem like a dick than to not own up to when you mess up. What I'm talking about is the internal stuff, the things about me that aren't so admirable. When there is something about me that I feel is qualitatively lacking in myself, sometimes I just get so ashamed of it that I have to pretend that part of me doesn't exist. When I feel selfish, or weak, or not as good as I want to be, I hide it, so no one will know I ever was anything so pathetic.

A lot of the time feeling so ashamed of my baser feelings keeps me from acting on them, which I guess is a good thing. But sometimes it leads to me keeping secret the negative stuff I do. It worries me sometimes. I also wonder how people who don't get so ashamed of themselves deal with these stuff.

Comments

[bronzite.livejournal.com]

I deal with it by being loud, boisterous, and, on rare occasion, self-deprecating.

[morethings5.livejournal.com]

I can't really offer much qualitative feedback over livejournal, but I definitely know where you're coming from on the shame thing. I know the whole point is not feeling like you can talk about it, but, you know, if you ever want to talk about it you know where I am.

[(Anonymous)]

I very much share this system of values, and being in the program I am in, i've been doing some pretty scary self-honesty as well as self-disclosure on a regular basis this past year. I think that the feelings of shame that you mention are an inextricable part of the process, it is a way for us to determine what we can and cannot live with in ourselves. Eventually what is important is what I use that shame for. It is always tempting to use it for self-flagellation, to put myself down, to think of myself as a weak, selfish, undeserving person. But I think that doing that is acting out of that weakness and selfishness, because then, what I am doing is accepting it, allowing it to become who I am, condoning it. The far more difficult option is to use the shame to identify flaws, like a geiger counter, and to rip them out of myself any way I can. The self-disclosure actually helps with that. I think it is the same principle as the Catholic confession. Once I expose the flaw, it is out there, and I have admitted to it being a flaw, and it makes it so much more difficult to give in to my weaknesses and embrace them. It is shocking sometimes to others, because in our culture we are taught to put on a good front and not air our dirty laundry, but like toxins, keeping them inside will poison a body, and expelling them while painful, embarrassing, and unsightly, is far healthier.

[v-cat.livejournal.com]

I very much share this system of values, and being in the program I am in, i've been doing some pretty scary self-honesty as well as self-disclosure on a regular basis this past year. I think that the feelings of shame that you mention are an inextricable part of the process, it is a way for us to determine what we can and cannot live with in ourselves. Eventually what is important is what I use that shame for. It is always tempting to use it for self-flagellation, to put myself down, to think of myself as a weak, selfish, undeserving person. But I think that doing that is acting out of that weakness and selfishness, because then, what I am doing is accepting it, allowing it to become who I am, condoning it. The far more difficult option is to use the shame to identify flaws, like a geiger counter, and to rip them out of myself any way I can. The self-disclosure actually helps with that. I think it is the same principle as the Catholic confession. Once I expose the flaw, it is out there, and I have admitted to it being a flaw, and it makes it so much more difficult to give in to my weaknesses and embrace them. It is shocking sometimes to others, because in our culture we are taught to put on a good front and not air our dirty laundry, but like toxins, keeping them inside will poison a body, and expelling them while painful, embarrassing, and unsightly, is far healthier.