Resolutions

It occurred to me yesterday that I hadn't made any New Year's resolutions yet. It's kind of a silly tradition, but it's nice to set goals for yourself to work towards, I guess.

Last year's resolutions were to learn how to dress more stylishly and to be less of a grouch. I think I did okay on the dressing one. Not so much on the grouch thing. I think in many ways I just traded some of the anger for depression. I may be slightly less angry, but it's probably because that emotional energy is more often directed into being sad. :-P

So, I guess in no particular order, some things I plan to do/try to do in 2011:

1. Make some professional improvement. I am not going to define this specifically, but I am not satisfied with my current just-okay situation. Have already begun some more serious efforts; we'll see how this goes.

2. Get back into healthy eating and exercise habits. Jared and I have already started eating better; let's see if I can add regular workouts in there too.

3. Write, cast, direct, and put on Merely Players.

4. Write, cast, and run The Stand at Intercon and Festival

5. Help write and run Resonance at Intercon and Festival

6. Make certain that Larpercalia this year is the best Festival it can be

7. Spend time with my parents. They need me right now, and I love them.

8. Be nicer to be people. I'm a bit tired of people thinking I'm a great big meanie, but it's probably my own fault. Keeping the temper in check would probably be a good place to start.

9. Develop some better stress management techniques. I guess I don't have any truly bad reactions-- I don't drink, I don't overeat, I don't hurt myself -- but what I'm doing isn't really enough. My tension and emotional upset level is getting out of hand.

10. Learn how to be hopeful. I really don't know how.

Unsettled, trying to be hopeful

Nervous today, unsettled. Brain is going a mile a minute in a million different directions. Have been pretty productive, though; got all my work done so far and even wrote my third Examiner article for the week; that puts me way ahead of schedule. Maybe I channel some of this intensity into writing now. That would be great. Haven't done enough writing this week; the weekend will have to be devoted to it.

There are lots of people I don't know following me on Twitter. Wonder why that is. Maybe it's from my Examiner profile? I think that's the only place my Twitter name is posted with a high likelihood of being seen by people who don't already know me. It could be their way of following my articles. If so, that's cool, I guess. More readers, more hits, eventually more money. It doesn't make much at all, but I suppose it's more than I'm usually paid for writing, eh? Maybe eventually it will work its way up.

Again and again, I am confronted by how against my nature it is to hold out hope. I am a realist on my best days, a pessimist on average, and on my worst certain the universe might as well just kill itself now. Right now I've got something ahead of me that could be really good, something that should be proving to me that there are reasons to stay hopeful. But I'm having a hard time shaking the thought that I have been in this position many times before, and it's never worked out the way I wanted. What I should be focusing on is that this is a new chance, something that came from my efforts to make things better. That should be reason enough for hope. It's just really hard for me to get rid of the thought of "Why should this time be any different?" I am learning. I am resolved in 2011 to try to learn.

I dressed up pretty today to try and feel better. It helped a little. Black skirt with simple tan floral pattern on it, white tuxedo skirt, red leather jacket, black tights, black strappy ballet flats. Amber earrings, anniversary necklace. I look nice, if a little formal. The jacket mitigates that a bit. Would look nicer with heels, but I'm not sure how much walking I'll have to do today. You'd think because the skirt is neutral I'd wear it with all kinds of colors on top, but for some reason I always just seem to pair it with black or white. Should try something more creative. Went with the tights are because they're prettier, and my leggings have finally bit it. Reminds me, I've been meaning to get some new leggings. They're good for wearing certain skirts in the winter, and I like the way they look under my tall boots. I wonder if I could pull off any color besides black. Maybe gray, but I'm not sure I'd like the look of chromatic leggings on me. Who knows, captainecchi looked fantastic in purple tights on New Year's, maybe it's worth a try.

God, my brain is scattered. Still, I seem to be able to be productive in spite of it. Should be writing something for the projects. Trying to work up The Stand bluesheet. Wanted to see if I could do it in the form of a newspaper, to add to the diagesis without sacrificing information. Wish me luck.