Touch boundaries

I was in an audition situation recently where I had to do an emotional scene with a partner who I felt was a strong, cooperative actor. As the scene reached its emotional point, he put his arm around me for emphasis. I didn't know this guy at all, and normally, I would not choose to allow a stranger to touch me like that, especially by presumption. But in the context of the scene we were doing, a scene meant to impress the directors with our performances, I was fine with him doing it and in fact kind of glad that he was willing to make that effort despite the boldness it required. It made the interaction feel more complete, more real.

I believe in absolute bodily autonomy. There is no "fair play" when it comes to your physical boundaries, you have the right to say at every minute on every occasion whether or not a touch of any kind is acceptable to you. But sometimes I wish it were more acceptable in our culture to be casually physical. Our culture has kind of decided that unless you are quite young, closely related, or necessarily both, touch is an indicator of romantic connection or sexual interest rather than part of the way human beings are naturally inclined to interact with each other. And if you don't want to convey either of those things, your safest bet is to just not touch somebody. I often find myself feeling resistant to making or accepting physical contact for reasons other than because contact is unwelcome. I worry that I will come off as boundary crossing, or indicating an interest that does exist, or inappropriate because of my current romantic status. (I also worry that if I allow some people to touch me others I'm less comfortable with will think they can do the same, though that's another issue entirely.)

That bugs me because it's a cultural notion that I don't want to have to deal with. I don't like the idea that my actions are limited because people will make assumptions about those actions that are incorrect. I don't like the idea that there's something to be automatically on guard against as far as touch is concerned, because that's not part of normal human interaction and it always means an intrusion or an advance. Again, I'm not suggesting that people should have to get more comfortable with touch. I'm just wishing certain views and attitudes that contribute to people not being comfortable with touch were not part of our collective culture.

I remember in my run of The Prince Comes of Age, I had interactions with Calliope Desenberg, for whom it was her first larp. Not only was I impressed by her willingness to throw herself in despite her inexperience, but also by how she would take my hand when she spoke to me. It was gutsy and real and made the experience of roleplaying with her stronger. Her lack of fear in that area made me wish that I did the same thing more often.

Touch is healthy. It's one of the reasons massage can be healing; even laying your hand on someone encourages blood flow to that area, which can speed recovery and cleansing. Babies who aren't held and touched enough don't develop normally, it's such an important part of their formative period. People who don't experience some kind of physical contact on a regular basis, even something as simple as handshakes or pats on the shoulder, are much more prone to physical unwellness. I don't really like the notion that the optimum state of affairs is that we all have a bubble around us that it is necessarily creepy and wrong to move out of. I've heard that in some circles even tapping someone on the shoulder without permission is considered inappropriate, and yes, while everyone has the right to totally determine their own boundaries and I'm never going to tell someone who feels that way that they can't choose that if they want to, way to operate off the assumption that all touch is a potential violation and an unnatural interaction between human beings.

But at the same time, I am glad that we have the notion that touch can be an intrusive thing and you are not allowed to just go around touching whoever you want. Forget the creepier and more dangerous manifestations of being who do not respect boundaries; there are definitely casual huggers I know who I wish would cut it out, to which my reaction tends to be, "We don't have this kind of relationship." It's not that I think they're so wrong or inappropriate for being that way, I just don't really want to participate in it. I should have that right, as much as the no-shoulder-tapping person should so that they feel physically safe. But I do wish people formed their personal preferences based on their comfort rather than from the influence of weird social pressures that may not necessarily reflect the truth.

I got the role of Irene Adler!

I just got the call from the director of Sherlock Holmes: The Final Adventure, offering me the role of Irene Adler, and I was delighted to accept!

As I mentioned, I felt really good about my audition, better than I had in some time. I have to say, I almost didn't go to the initial one. I was feeling REALLY emotionally up and down on Monday, and when I got home from work and saw  the audition on my calendar I really wasn't feeling up to it. I started psyching myself out over the fact that the description for the only character I was even vaguely appropriate for, Irene Adler, called for a slightly older woman, and said, "British accent preferred but not required." I grumbled a little over that last bit, as I know from the Holmes stories that Irene was an American. My British accent is pretty weak, and I certainly couldn't sustain it over the course of the play, so I started convincing myself it was a hopeless cause. But Jared encouraged me to try anyway, telling me what I already knew-- that you never get anywhere if you don't try and put yourself out there. Well, I could always say if they called me on it that Irene was American, and I guess I wouldn't be any worse off than I was before. And I'm so glad I did, because as I said, I felt so good about the reading I gave!

Later in the same day that I posted that, I got an email from the producer asking if I could return for the second night of auditions, no problem if I couldn't because it was short notice, but they liked my reading and wanted to hear me again. I didn't want to announce it in case it didn't come to anything, but damn, did that feel encouraging! I really wanted to convey my interest, so I left ballet early on Tuesday and rushed over to the Natick Center for the Arts to catch the last half-hour of the second night of tryouts.

On the way over, I really worked myself up with nerves. These were open auditions, which meant that anybody could show up without an appointment. There could be somebody who showed up that night that they liked better. I really shouldn't get my hopes up. I was getting very tense by the time I showed up, but I took a deep breath and slipped in.

One thing that was consistent both nights were the sorts of actors present. The men were all older than me, in their thirties and forties and maybe beyond. And they were all pretty uniformly good actors who were all capable of respectable British accents. There wasn't a single one of them that I didn't think gave a decent audition. There were fewer women, some of them closer to my age, but still I was the youngest one there. I have a hunch that the British accent thing probably scared a lot of them off. I remember when I played Diamond Geezers, those of us willing to give the ridiculous Cockney accents a try seemed to be much more comfortable speaking and participating in the game, and this reminded me a lot of that. There were a few that gave decent readings, but even on the second night when I was more nervous--  I had more assurance but also more to lose --I still felt that I looked like the front runner. I say that not to make myself look good, honestly I think the competition would have been a lot stiffer I'd been a man. They asked me to project more, that note I've gotten in every show I've ever done, and if I could perform without my glasses on, which I also make a point of every show. I went home hopeful, but terrified of getting my hopes up.

I got the call tonight offering me the part when I was visiting at Albion and gratefully accepted. I am so excited. I've been itching like mad to act again for quite some time now, so I imagine this is going to help a great deal with my feeling of creative restlessness. I've also not had a real lead for several years, not since Puck when I was a senior. Moreover, it will be nice to play a woman for once! Cordelia in King Lear when I was a junior was literally the only female part I've had in my entire adult acting career. One thing I've always been a little concerned about was whether my acting wasn't quite as fully realized as it could have been because I've so often have to worry about pulling on the additional layer of playing masculinity. This is something I can really sink my teeth into, really throw myself into the development of a performance for. And I'm really grateful to Jared for being supportive and encouraging me to get over my doubts.

The show will be going up Friday and Saturday, June 1, 2, 8, and 9 at 8:00 pm and Sunday June 3 and 10 at 2:00 pm in Natick. I hope you'll all join more for my triumphant return to the legitimate stage. :-)