Body and body image

Generally, in the grand scheme of things, my body image is pretty good. That's thanks to a combination of mostly looking the way I want to look and having a realistic perspective on how warped the beauty standard is in our culture. But it shifts a little this way and that, depending on how I really look or how I think I look or things that happen in my life or how I'm feeling about other things. The last couple of years I've been a little heavier than I used to be. I guess I didn't look too different, but I didn't like it. I have a really broad rib cage and really flat hips, so I like to keep my midsection as small as possible to keep my proportions looking right. I wish I were a little more hourglassy, but it looks like the closest I can get is straight up and down. A big tummy really looks awkward on a figure like that.

Perception's a funny thing. I mean, even as all this was happening, I was still modeling for photographers, as I do sometimes. On occasion they have even paid me for it. (My rates are extremely reasonable, if you know anyone who's interested!) You'd think that would be enough to convince a person that they look good. But I've been kind of invisible to men in the last few years. In my social circle I'd been taken and unavailable so long, and I'm not really a flirt, so I've haven't seen much in the way of male attention in a very long time. Whatever, I tend to be attracted to very very few people, so I understand how it's not so much fun to compliment someone who can be gracious, at best, but can't really return the favor. But it was a pretty strong contrast to the way people used to treat me a few years ago. It was hard not to wonder if it was due to something, my weight gain, or just maybe looking as bad as I so often felt. It didn't help that the number one person who theoretically was supposed to think I was beautiful no longer seemed to like anything about me.

The stress of the last few months caused me to drop some weight pretty quickly, but now that I'm a little less raw I've been a little more inclined to lazy eating, so I've got to be careful not to let it all come back. I am pretty active, at least. I've been getting at least four hours of serious exercise every week, in the form of two ballet classes and one circuit workout with a trainer. I can even attend an extra ballet class in the mornings if I want to, bringing up that total to five and a half. While I have definitely been thinner than I am now, I have certainly never been stronger. I can see it most in my arms and legs, but I feel it all over my body-- my endurance is greater, I can do more difficult physical tasks, even my ballet dancing is benefiting from it. The circuit workouts I've been doing have been extremely difficult, and the trainer is always increasing them as I get stronger, so it never gets any easier even as I improve. I've never loved physical activity for its own sake, and I like the feeling of being physically exhausted even less, but it really makes me feel good thinking, wow, I can do this. It makes me feel strong and capable. A lot of people couldn't get through what I can. It helps make me do it, even when I feel lazy or resistant.

My ballet ability is also improving. Just the practice of keeping at it with as long as I have has helped. Control and balance have always been the toughest parts for me, but that's where getting stronger has helped. I really love dancing ballet, and the more proficient I get, the more I enjoy it. I can feel my body adapting to it, as except for my weak ankles, I'm rarely sore after class. It gives me such a sense of accomplishment to go through the routine exercises my teacher shows us and see how much better I can do them now than I could when I started. I also like how it gives me a metric for body image independent from its appearance. 

Altering the knockoff Atonement dress for Carolyn

You may recall the knockoff Atonement dress that I bought myself for my birthday last year. As I recall, the eBay listing from which I got it said it was a commission that they were now reselling, so I think it was a custom fit. That original owner was petite but even less curvy than I am, and remarkably short-waisted, so I was never quite happy with the fit. I considered altering it, but the biggest problem for me seemed to unfixable, as the slightly-two-narrow hips liked to ride up on me and make the front all crinkly. Still, the dress has interesting bones, so I hated to just donate it or something.

It occurred to me then that I could work it to fit somebody else. That would give me practice altering fit, as well as make a nice present for somebody I like. I immediately thought of Carolyn, my favorite model, who is also more petite than me and might not have the same hip issue as I did, nor the problem with the zipper and the broad rib cage. I've been meaning to practice taking things in at the side anyway. So I asked her is she was interested, and she kindly obliged.

When she tried the dress on, shockingly it turned out to be a bit of a tight fit. She too is longer-waisted than the dress is designed for, and despite her much greater delicacy in the trunk than me, the zipper just barely closed and make it pretty tough for her to breathe. It didn't need taking in on the sides at all. But still, it looked pretty damn good on her, better than it ever looked on me, and could work if tweaked in some other ways. It was too long, and it definitely needed the straps shortened. It also occurred to me, because I never could get the damn thing zipped, to slide the zipper down a couple of inches. Carolyn said it was much more comfortable that way, and it fixed the creasing problem in the front. Now that is something I can work with!

So here's what I did. I opened up the top seams on the back of the dress. It's really sturdily and cleanly made, with a complete lining of another layer of the fashion fabric. You can see where the two layers are seamed together here.

I took my seam ripper and picked the two layers apart. I also removed the straps while I was in there, to resew them in place a good bit shorter than they were before. I also detached the zipper from the lining-- but not the outer fashion fabric, you'll notice. You can also see the slightly spongy interfacing they used to pad the bodice here.

Then I folded each of the two layers of dress material inward, along a straight line going from just inside where the strap attached and the point to which I had pulled the zipper down. That spot would be the new top of the zipper. I noticed that the way it was designed, the zipper had no stopper, the track just disappeared into the seam between the two fabric layers, so I decided to do the same thing. I folded in the zipper above that point in between just the same way. The I sewed the folded over parts of the two layers together, so that the stitches would not show on the outside.

I did the same thing on the other side. Here's the current state of the dress's back, finished and pressed.

It's not perfect, I could not make the new seams quite as clean as the old ones, but no switches show, and the fabric stayed smooth and everything is still symmetrical. I also managed to make the zipper disappear into the seams such that it now terminates at a lower point! I can't wait to try it on Carolyn again. I think it will work much better.

I still have to hem it, and figure out how a shortened hem is going to interact with the giant train it's got. But one thing at a time, and I think I pulled off the first stage nicely.