Body and body image

[breakinglight11]

Generally, in the grand scheme of things, my body image is pretty good. That's thanks to a combination of mostly looking the way I want to look and having a realistic perspective on how warped the beauty standard is in our culture. But it shifts a little this way and that, depending on how I really look or how I think I look or things that happen in my life or how I'm feeling about other things. The last couple of years I've been a little heavier than I used to be. I guess I didn't look too different, but I didn't like it. I have a really broad rib cage and really flat hips, so I like to keep my midsection as small as possible to keep my proportions looking right. I wish I were a little more hourglassy, but it looks like the closest I can get is straight up and down. A big tummy really looks awkward on a figure like that.

Perception's a funny thing. I mean, even as all this was happening, I was still modeling for photographers, as I do sometimes. On occasion they have even paid me for it. (My rates are extremely reasonable, if you know anyone who's interested!) You'd think that would be enough to convince a person that they look good. But I've been kind of invisible to men in the last few years. In my social circle I'd been taken and unavailable so long, and I'm not really a flirt, so I've haven't seen much in the way of male attention in a very long time. Whatever, I tend to be attracted to very very few people, so I understand how it's not so much fun to compliment someone who can be gracious, at best, but can't really return the favor. But it was a pretty strong contrast to the way people used to treat me a few years ago. It was hard not to wonder if it was due to something, my weight gain, or just maybe looking as bad as I so often felt. It didn't help that the number one person who theoretically was supposed to think I was beautiful no longer seemed to like anything about me.

The stress of the last few months caused me to drop some weight pretty quickly, but now that I'm a little less raw I've been a little more inclined to lazy eating, so I've got to be careful not to let it all come back. I am pretty active, at least. I've been getting at least four hours of serious exercise every week, in the form of two ballet classes and one circuit workout with a trainer. I can even attend an extra ballet class in the mornings if I want to, bringing up that total to five and a half. While I have definitely been thinner than I am now, I have certainly never been stronger. I can see it most in my arms and legs, but I feel it all over my body-- my endurance is greater, I can do more difficult physical tasks, even my ballet dancing is benefiting from it. The circuit workouts I've been doing have been extremely difficult, and the trainer is always increasing them as I get stronger, so it never gets any easier even as I improve. I've never loved physical activity for its own sake, and I like the feeling of being physically exhausted even less, but it really makes me feel good thinking, wow, I can do this. It makes me feel strong and capable. A lot of people couldn't get through what I can. It helps make me do it, even when I feel lazy or resistant.

My ballet ability is also improving. Just the practice of keeping at it with as long as I have has helped. Control and balance have always been the toughest parts for me, but that's where getting stronger has helped. I really love dancing ballet, and the more proficient I get, the more I enjoy it. I can feel my body adapting to it, as except for my weak ankles, I'm rarely sore after class. It gives me such a sense of accomplishment to go through the routine exercises my teacher shows us and see how much better I can do them now than I could when I started. I also like how it gives me a metric for body image independent from its appearance.