Not-quite-socially-anxious

Sometimes I think I have a touch of social anxiety. It's probably wrong that I use that term, as it's a clinical condition and I'm certainly not clinical, but at times it seems like the right descriptor for the inordinate amount of stress I experience around certain social interactions. Basically, if it's not something I'm doing entirely for pleasure, with someone with whom I have zero fear of awkwardness, I got through at least some reaction of discomfort and a desire to avoid-- definitely more than is normal or appropriate.

The other day I decided to finally look social anxiety up, and it turns out I have almost none of the markers. It's mostly characterized by an extreme self-consciousness and a fear of the judgment of others, which isn't really my problem. But the two markers I have got, in SPADES, are I dread meeting new people, and the excessive amount of "anticipatory anxiety" before non-recreational social interaction. I'm a pretty extreme introvert, and I need more alone time than almost anyone I know. I dislike spending time around anyone with whom I don't really know what to talk about. I despise small talk, and I vastly prefer being alone to any interaction that I don't specially want or enjoy. I don't know why that would make me experience such stress or dread rather than just finding it unlikable or boring, but for some reason awkward interaction is exceptionally painful for me.

As I said, I don't have many of the social anxiety symptoms. Much of the time I actively crave the spotlight and attention. But there are definitely times I go into hide-mode, where I don't want to run into anybody I might have to interact with. There are certain activities where I just want to lose myself in doing them and not have to worry about being properly friendly or interesting or presentable. I HATE, for example, having to talk to people at the gym, and I like just immersing myself in ballet class without worrying about making chitchat. Of course, not looking my best also factors into it, as I am significantly more uncomfortable and self-conscious when I feel like I look bad.

I feel silly thinking of it like it's actually a serious issue. I think it's mostly just that it doesn't come naturally to me, and being lazy I just don't want to do the work. But you can't always just revert to what comes easiest to you. Also, one must emerge from one's cave eventually. 

First royalty check ever!

Immortalizing it here for posterity:



My first-ever royalty check for a produced play arrived! This was for my monologue, The Old House, composed in its original form for last year's 31 Plays in 31 Days, produced at StageQ's Queer Shorts 8 in Madison, Wisconsin.

It's small, but it's a start! And hopefully the first of many. Yaaaaaaaay!

31 Plays in 31 Days: #26 - "Pounding Against the Bars"

I have been imagining a character to include in the Mrs. Hawking universe that was a childhood friend of hers, who served as a sort of foil for her during her formative years. Much later, this character would reappear as a villain of the story. I don't know what she would be up to, but I really like that reversal, and the kind of conflict it could bring.

( Day #26 - "Pounding Against the Bars" )