How to write a song to appeal to Phoebe's terrible taste in music

Phoebe is sadly not much for music. She has a bit of a tin ear and it is the art form she knows and cares least about. Finding songs she enjoys, much less entire bands, can be tough.

But, as her tastes tend along very noticeable trends, there's a surefire way to get her to like a song can be laid out-- scientifically! Combine:

1. A bunch of emo white dudes together. Maybe one white chick.
2. Lots of electric guitar riffs
3. Persistent love-and-war motifs in the lyrical imagery, that are either/both
- 3a. somewhat pedestrian
- 3b. inscrutable in meaning
4. Coarse-voiced male vocalist
- 4a. Bonus points if there's parts with incoherent screaming
5. Emotionally overwrought edging to the point of absurdity
6. Sounds vaguely the same as every other song the band plays

There is a reason I never have music playing when you get into the car with me. I'm pretty embarassed by my playlists because of their remarkable resemblance to everything listed above.