Play-weird

Today one of my students noticed my weird "play-smoking" thing I do sometimes and commented on it. I was really embarrassed.

I've done it ever since I was a little kid. Like, had an urge to act out the motions of smoking while holding an object that was not a cigarette. It's not on purpose, really. Sometimes I don't notice I'm doing it right away. But I do it all the time, and I have no idea why.

If I have a pen in my hand, and I am not actively writing with it, I usually end up holding it like a cigarette and putting it in and out of my mouth. I find myself timing my breathing with it, not quite puffing but close. I'm not sure what I get out of it. I like chewing on things, I guess. I find chewing on things to be comforting, so I destroy things like pen caps. I suppose I like holding something delicately between two fingers in that way. But the breathing thing I have no explanation for. I'm not actually inhaling anything, obviously; I just for some reason like drawing in the air with my teeth clamped on it. As I type this, that description reminds me of cribbing-- a bad habit horses can develop where they brace their teeth against wood and inhale. I rode a horse for years who did that. We're not totally sure what they get out of it, but endorphin release is one possibility. I don't think I really get an endorphin response, but clearly there is something I like about it, or I wouldn't do it all the time.

I've never smoked anything in my entire life. I think it's gross and have zero desire to ever try it. My mom and my grandma got cancer and died of cigarettes, so genetics are against me on that. But something in me likes the motions of it, the thing to handle, to hold in my teeth and breathe around. I guess I definitely better never try the real thing, as I'd probably love it and never be able to stop.

I don't know why I do this. It's weird. I'm weird.