Going through a... something

It’s been a few months now, and it’s become pretty clear that I’m currently in the midst of a mental health... I’m not sure what exactly to call it. “Crisis” sounds a little too over the top. “Low period” is a bit too euphemistic. But I’m definitely struggling and I don’t really see an end any time soon.

First came the a months-long near-constant anxiety cloud, starting at the end of last summer, punctuated with the first panic attacks I’ve ever had in my life. That was new for me, as while I tend to be a pessimist, I’m not usually inclined to that kind of constant high-adrenaline nervousness. Fortunately I seem to be past that, but instead have settled into the quiet, grinding depression that is more often my MO.

I’m tired all the time, frustrated with everything, and have extreme difficulty getting mentally or emotionally engaged in anything. Again, nothing new, but also nothing I have been great at managing. I don’t know if it’s massively different than the many other depressive periods I’ve been in, but it does seem to be pretty bad lately.

And as always, I never know what to do about it. I don’t know what changes I can make that would ease things. The best I ever seem to get is wait it out until... something. Either it passes, or something distracts me from it, or something happens unexpected, and I’m not so bad for a while. But it’s all out of my control, and so I waste a ton of time, both being depressed, and wishing my life away because that’s the only hope I have of fixing it.

Anyway. I’m not really interested in discussing it. But it’s hitting me pretty hard lately, so I figured I should probably be up front about it. Because I’m not doing a great job keeping it in check these days.