So much work the last two weeks

This past weekend concludes the most demanding two-week period for me in recent memory. In that time, I had to:

- plan six lessons
- grade about 50 essays
- Write 3 student recommendations
- Write an application for my first-ever academic study grant
- Pull costumes to lend to a friend
- Prep an expert talk I was giving
- Assemble props and materials for a larp
- Assemble marketing materials for the screening of Gentlemen Never Tell

On top of other various smaller life-maintenance responsibilities of which I did a variable job.

I managed to complete that list doing mostly a good job with all of it. Things like eating right and exercising weren’t as great this week, but at least I can catch up now. Still, I can’t remember the last time I felt that tired. I am frequently busy, and have had intense crunch periods before, but something about this felt particularly huge. I wondered if I was getting old. Bernie thinks it was just because I’ve never had such a crunch on top of holding down a full-time job. Technically true, this is only the second full-time position I’ve ever had, but I’ve had multiple part-time jobs that about added up. So I’m not really sure.

The thing that really bugs me about feeling like this is that it turns things that should be fun and satisfying into just one more damn thing I gotta do. Several things on that list could count for that, but the one that particularly jumps out is the larp I ran at Intercon. I love Intercon, but so often lately I end up resenting that I committed to run games because of the labor involved in the prep. My game went great and I enjoyed it, as I usually do. But it was pretty brutal to get ready for on top of everything else.

This is a frequent problem for me— that I hesitate to agree to do things that theoretically should be fun or life-enriching, because they involve extra effort and work on top of everything else I’ve got going on, and I’m not sure I can handle it. It gets me in a habit of, basically, finding fun to be too much work. Not a recipe for doing much besides responsibilities— or else, turning everything into a responsibility.

I don’t know. It’s a longtime symptom of my mental illness to be tired all the time, as well as to have trouble really enjoying things I know I should enjoy. I don’t have a great solution, not even after dealing with the problem for over a decade now.

At least I can relax next week. I am determined to not do much of anything. I’m hoping taking the time will help me bounce back.