The kind of woman I want to be; the kind of woman I'm afraid to be

[breakinglight11]

I want to be the kind of woman who supports and is kind to other women. I want to not let my insecurities lead me to feeling threatened by the virtues of other women. I want to celebrate and build them up instead.

I am afraid of being the kind of woman with a generalized contempt for women. As much of a feminist as I am, I am inclined to prefer the society of men, and most of the personal flaws that bother me most are the ones that tend to be found in women more often than in men. I don't want to let these facts turn me into anything that does not support women.

I want to be the kind of woman who doesn't let herself go. No matter what I'm doing, what my circumstances are, what's going on with me or what's happening in my life, I want to never become dowdy or frumpy or believe that the part of my life where I am attractive is past me.

I'm afraid of being the kind of woman that doesn't age gracefully. I am incredibly afraid of aging, of losing the physical beauty that has meant so much to me and to others, and I worry about trying to cling to my youthful aspect in ways that aren't dignified because I won't know what to do without it.

I want to be the kind of woman who doesn't confuse real love with the accoutrements of love, and knows that the first is infinitely more important. I will not measure love by self-serving qualifiers with only external significance-- "If he loved me he'd do X," "If she cared she'd think Y," -- but place importance only on the expressions that truly matter.

I’m afraid of being the kind of woman who doesn’t ask for what she wants. I don't want to feel like I don't deserve the things that I want, or that I cannot count on people to want to give them to me because I'm not important enough.

I want to be the kind of woman who never lets anyone forget that she can be and is both beautiful and smart. I want to be admired and appreciated for everything that's good about me, and never allow myself to be sold short.

I'm afraid of being the kind of woman who allows her beauty and sexuality to vulgarize her. I want these to be part of the appeal of the package of myself, not things that obscure my qualities that are ultimately more real, more lasting, and more important to my value as a human being.

I want to be the kind of woman who takes responsibility for herself. I want to be capable of handling myself and my own life and be seen by those around me as such. I don't want to depend on other people, and want all the credit and blame that implies. I want to succeed due to my own effort and ability, and accept that if I fail that lies with me as well.

I'm afraid of being the kind of woman who always blames herself. I am inclined to hold myself to such a standard that when someone does do some wrong to me, I am likely to feel like I failed for allowing it to happen. But this can lead to allowing others to take advantage of you for fear of always being in the one in the wrong.

I want to be the kind of woman who walks the line between the feminist dichotomy well.

I'm afraid of being the kind of woman who lets it push her too far one way or the other.

Comments

[londo.livejournal.com]

I honestly can't tell if using the term "feminist dichotomy" is helpful or hurtful.

[breakinglight11.livejournal.com]

Terminologically, the "feminist dichotomy" refers to the effort of finding the balance of celebrating and acknowledging what makes the feminine different from the masculine while maintaining the equal treatment between the sexes. It's hard to parse "We are different but we are the same." It's a pretty huge issue in feminism.

[londo.livejournal.com]

Yeah.

But I think phrasing it as "we are different but we are the same" is unhelpful.

On the other hand, I grew up in a house where we had on the wall, "Feminism is the radical belief that women are people, too."

[valleyviolet.livejournal.com]

I think I agree that the second phrasing is more useful ("... women are people, too."). Everyone is different and yet each of us is still a person who deserves respect and equality, regardless of gender, race, or religion.

There are fundamentally different challenges that face women in some areas, like healthcare, (and will even if all sexism were to be magically removed) because of our biology, but that doesn't mean there's an unconquerable divide between appreciating who you are and wanting equality. I'm sure there's some kind of logical fallacy in there. Possibly accepting the implication that celebrating differences implies inequality or that you can't love who you are without hating someone else. I don't know about other people, but I'm sure as hell not a man-hating jerk just because I'm a feminist. :P

[ninja-report.livejournal.com]

I'd parse "acknowledging what makes the feminine different from the masculine while maintaining the equal treatment between the sexes" more as "We are different but we are still equal."

Equal doesn't necessarily mean "the same," and treating people according to differences doesn't necessarily make it unfair or unequal. Take public bathrooms--in women's, there are rarely urinals, and in men's, there are rarely tampon machines. These aren't the exact same rooms, but I wouldn't say they're unequal.

Acknowledging differences tends to be thought of as dangerous because of the comparison factor, but I think that only works if one of the things you're comparing is held up as an ideal, or correct. Then the one that is "different" is inferior, and there becomes an issue with inequality.

Yes, if I go to the Health Center with a stomachache, one of the first things they're going to ask me is if I'm pregnant. But they're never going to diagnose me with testicular cancer. I don't consider it unequal treatment, I just consider it an acknowledgement of my differences and needs as a particular person.

Because we aren't just people "too." We're people. End of statement.

[valleyviolet.livejournal.com]

But possibly we're also missing the opportunity to ask whether having separate mens and womens bathrooms is even a good idea. Are women going to die because they walk past a wall of urinals? Will men faint when they see a tampon dispenser? Would building only one restroom alleviate uneven usage? Do both genders need more sanitary bathroom conditions or better lighting?

My point about logical fallacies was mostly to say that I think stopping and accepting that the statement "We are different but we are the same." is a difficult to resolve dichotomy is letting yourself fall prey to a lot of assumptions that might need to be examined more carefully.

In my mind, part of being a feminist is asking how we can look past our assumptions about men and women. The world isn't going to magically resolve itself because I want it to be a better place, but I shouldn't let the world trick me into accepting "isms" as ok because they might be the status quo either.

[londo.livejournal.com]

What she said.

[londo.livejournal.com]

What she said.