"It may be that we don't actually need to teach each other to stop fixating on unattainable beauty, because we're not actually all that fixated on it."
Yes, this exactly, at least for me. I've had the "do you think she's prettier than me?" conversation with SOs before, and I often get the sense that I'm not fully believed if I answer "I find her more physically attractive, but that doesn't mean I find her more desireable", and yet that's the case.
For one thing, as Jared says, there are several ways in which one can interface with beauty. Based on a purely aesthetic assessment, I find some people pleasing in the way a painting or statue can be pleasing, others trigger an instinctual "would like to have sex with that nao plz" response, but neither evokes "I would like to spend the majority of my time with this person", because that's based on a whole other set of priorities. Some base level of physical attraction is required, of course, but it's just one of many things.
In other words, purely aesthetic judgements figure most prominently in assessing people for purely aesthetic experiences: i.e. a model or a one-night stand, and I think that's the crux of it. The way I see it, the training that women get to associate beauty with desirability is just the other side of the coin to the training men get to care more about having a good lay than a partner. The thing is, one need only look around to see that that's not actually how it works.
I firmly believe that most people are not so shallow as to actually choose the one-night-stand with a model over an actual relationship with a badass partner, and I think the sooner people acknowledge that and give a well-deserved scoff to expectations based on assuming the opposite to be true the better.
I'm not saying physical attractiveness isn't an important component in relationships, but think about the implications of the fact that "she has a great personality" reads as an insult. Bullshit, says I.
Btw, I'm not too familiar with Spoony, but do follow some of the other TGWTG reviewers. If you're not familiar with Nostalgia Chick or Todd In the Shadows, do yourself a favor and check them out. Todd's dismantling of "If I Die Young" may be one of my favorite things on the whole site.
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Date: 2012-02-16 05:24 pm (UTC)Yes, this exactly, at least for me. I've had the "do you think she's prettier than me?" conversation with SOs before, and I often get the sense that I'm not fully believed if I answer "I find her more physically attractive, but that doesn't mean I find her more desireable", and yet that's the case.
For one thing, as Jared says, there are several ways in which one can interface with beauty. Based on a purely aesthetic assessment, I find some people pleasing in the way a painting or statue can be pleasing, others trigger an instinctual "would like to have sex with that nao plz" response, but neither evokes "I would like to spend the majority of my time with this person", because that's based on a whole other set of priorities. Some base level of physical attraction is required, of course, but it's just one of many things.
In other words, purely aesthetic judgements figure most prominently in assessing people for purely aesthetic experiences: i.e. a model or a one-night stand, and I think that's the crux of it. The way I see it, the training that women get to associate beauty with desirability is just the other side of the coin to the training men get to care more about having a good lay than a partner. The thing is, one need only look around to see that that's not actually how it works.
I firmly believe that most people are not so shallow as to actually choose the one-night-stand with a model over an actual relationship with a badass partner, and I think the sooner people acknowledge that and give a well-deserved scoff to expectations based on assuming the opposite to be true the better.
I'm not saying physical attractiveness isn't an important component in relationships, but think about the implications of the fact that "she has a great personality" reads as an insult. Bullshit, says I.
Btw, I'm not too familiar with Spoony, but do follow some of the other TGWTG reviewers. If you're not familiar with Nostalgia Chick or Todd In the Shadows, do yourself a favor and check them out. Todd's dismantling of "If I Die Young" may be one of my favorite things on the whole site.