My perspective on Ask versus Guess culture

[breakinglight11]

A lot of talk has been going on around the idea of Ask versus Guess culture. Captain Awkward has some great thoughts on the matter here. This is, if you haven't heard, the difference in interaction styles between people who prefer to always overtly ask questions/make requests and situations with low context and established behavioral rules, and people who prefer to deduce the right answer or the proper thing to say or do based on a lot of context and a lot of pre-establishment. Like, people who think it's okay to ask "Can I crash at your house?" and people who think it would be too presumptuous to make the request. This is mostly stuff I've been musing about on my Tumblr, but since my Tumblr is otherwise just nonsense I thought I'd transfer it over here.

I am a Guess culture person. Partially it's my upbringing, partially it's my damage, partially it's my sense of how one demonstrates consideration for other people. I think if we lived in a perfect world, it would always be superior to Ask, because then all communication would be clear and everyone would just explicitly state their needs. But in the world we live in, I don't think it's that clear-cut.

I would vastly prefer not to make someone uncomfortable by asking them for something they feel they bad about not being able to give, and I really hate being asked for something that I am unable to give. I feel an extreme pressure to always be kind, generous, accommodating. Partially I think this is socialization, how women are made to feel like they always have to make everyone cared for and comfortable, and partially because I think being giving is a good thing to be. But when somebody asks me to do it, I feel like there’s no way I can refuse without seeming selfish, exclusionary, or mean.
I hate people inviting themselves to things I’m doing or hosting; it messes up the dynamic I’ve planned for. I hate being asked for rides, I’m not a taxi service. I hate being asked to borrow money, I’m not very liquid and my resources are limited. Or maybe I technically CAN do all these things, but I just don’t want to. But how can I turn down “Can I come?” without seeming mean to the person asking? How can I refuse to share what I have without seeming greedy or ungenerous?

I really do think people judge you for not being willing to do these things. They think you’re mean or a bitch or selfish if you turn them down when they ask. And as much as I can ill-afford doing a lot of those things, I am more afraid of people thinking I’m an asshole for saying no. So I feel obligated, even if it’s not good for me. Not everyone who asks does so with the true assurance that it’s okay to say no.

Additionally, Guess culture also accounts for people who are not ABLE to assert themselves. Because Ask culture requires people who are assertive of both their needs and their boundaries, and that’s really hard for a lot of people.

Guess culture posits, basically, “The safest course is to say nothing.” And I think that recommendation is used in a lot of contexts. Like, every time feminists suggest, hey, don’t go up and act like you’re entitled to that woman’s time, they’re basically suggesting “The safest course [to respecting her and allowing her to feel safe] is to say nothing [to her].” Not to Ask her and back off if she says no, but to just not Ask her at all, Guess that she wants to be left to her own devices. Because it accounts for people who may not be assertive enough to hold their own boundaries. Saying, yeah, you always need to be able to push back against things you don’t want has some problematic implications. Especially if you extend it to things like consent.

Honestly I wish I could feel more comfortable asking for things. But I am TERRIFIED of somebody thinking, "How dare you presume? How can you be so self-centered?" It makes it hard to get things like raises, or even something like networking, when I feel like I'm presuming on somebody else's time and resources. But it's something incredibly difficult, and I worry about situations where people can't assert their own needs, or the fallout of someone thinking I'm rude for asking. That’s why I default to Guess culture. If we don’t impose on each other, no one is ever put in an awkward position where they feel obligated to something they don’t want. Yeah, it definitely has drawbacks, but it has advantages too.

Comments

[dpolicar]

(Came here via a friend's link.)

(nods) Sing it! Absolutely right.

A while back one of my Asky friends frustratedly asked "So, when visiting a Guess-culture host, how in the world am I supposed to make my preferences known?" which I've been giggling about ever since.

My response was "You aren't supposed to, because if you did, your host would be obligated to satisfy them, and imposing such obligations on your host is rude. Your host has been desperately trying to express to you what the possible options are, so that you can choose one and everyone saves face, ever since you walked in the door; what you're supposed to do is listen carefully, because the options may have changed, and then pick one."

The idea that there might have been information being handed to them which they disregarded while they were worrying about how to phrase their own thoughts was entirely new to them.

I can relate.

This is one reason I hate the phrase "Guess culture." I prefer "Hint culture," and frequently observe that "Guess culture" is a very Ask-culture way of describing Hint-culture.

All that being said, I recognize the difficulty. What I'm doing right now (inserting myself into a stranger's conversation without invitation) is unspeakably rude by the standards of the culture I was raised in... and yet, some of my favorite people entered my life by doing just that.

So... I dunno.

[emp42ress.livejournal.com]

The problem is that implicit communication relies heavily on cultural assumptions and patterns. All communication has substantial implicit components, but the more implicit the communication is, the harder it is to come in from the outside and figure out what the important pieces are and what they mean.

[dpolicar]

Yes, that's certainly true.