My perspective on Ask versus Guess culture

[breakinglight11]

A lot of talk has been going on around the idea of Ask versus Guess culture. Captain Awkward has some great thoughts on the matter here. This is, if you haven't heard, the difference in interaction styles between people who prefer to always overtly ask questions/make requests and situations with low context and established behavioral rules, and people who prefer to deduce the right answer or the proper thing to say or do based on a lot of context and a lot of pre-establishment. Like, people who think it's okay to ask "Can I crash at your house?" and people who think it would be too presumptuous to make the request. This is mostly stuff I've been musing about on my Tumblr, but since my Tumblr is otherwise just nonsense I thought I'd transfer it over here.

I am a Guess culture person. Partially it's my upbringing, partially it's my damage, partially it's my sense of how one demonstrates consideration for other people. I think if we lived in a perfect world, it would always be superior to Ask, because then all communication would be clear and everyone would just explicitly state their needs. But in the world we live in, I don't think it's that clear-cut.

I would vastly prefer not to make someone uncomfortable by asking them for something they feel they bad about not being able to give, and I really hate being asked for something that I am unable to give. I feel an extreme pressure to always be kind, generous, accommodating. Partially I think this is socialization, how women are made to feel like they always have to make everyone cared for and comfortable, and partially because I think being giving is a good thing to be. But when somebody asks me to do it, I feel like there’s no way I can refuse without seeming selfish, exclusionary, or mean.
I hate people inviting themselves to things I’m doing or hosting; it messes up the dynamic I’ve planned for. I hate being asked for rides, I’m not a taxi service. I hate being asked to borrow money, I’m not very liquid and my resources are limited. Or maybe I technically CAN do all these things, but I just don’t want to. But how can I turn down “Can I come?” without seeming mean to the person asking? How can I refuse to share what I have without seeming greedy or ungenerous?

I really do think people judge you for not being willing to do these things. They think you’re mean or a bitch or selfish if you turn them down when they ask. And as much as I can ill-afford doing a lot of those things, I am more afraid of people thinking I’m an asshole for saying no. So I feel obligated, even if it’s not good for me. Not everyone who asks does so with the true assurance that it’s okay to say no.

Additionally, Guess culture also accounts for people who are not ABLE to assert themselves. Because Ask culture requires people who are assertive of both their needs and their boundaries, and that’s really hard for a lot of people.

Guess culture posits, basically, “The safest course is to say nothing.” And I think that recommendation is used in a lot of contexts. Like, every time feminists suggest, hey, don’t go up and act like you’re entitled to that woman’s time, they’re basically suggesting “The safest course [to respecting her and allowing her to feel safe] is to say nothing [to her].” Not to Ask her and back off if she says no, but to just not Ask her at all, Guess that she wants to be left to her own devices. Because it accounts for people who may not be assertive enough to hold their own boundaries. Saying, yeah, you always need to be able to push back against things you don’t want has some problematic implications. Especially if you extend it to things like consent.

Honestly I wish I could feel more comfortable asking for things. But I am TERRIFIED of somebody thinking, "How dare you presume? How can you be so self-centered?" It makes it hard to get things like raises, or even something like networking, when I feel like I'm presuming on somebody else's time and resources. But it's something incredibly difficult, and I worry about situations where people can't assert their own needs, or the fallout of someone thinking I'm rude for asking. That’s why I default to Guess culture. If we don’t impose on each other, no one is ever put in an awkward position where they feel obligated to something they don’t want. Yeah, it definitely has drawbacks, but it has advantages too.

Comments

[breakinglight11.livejournal.com]

Oh, I knew the minute I posted this it was going to suggest to everyone, "Oh, don't ask Phoebe for anything, it'll upset her!" Which is not the impression I want to give. Especially in the area of offers to be part of projects, I very much enjoy being asked and don't feel a lot of discomfort if I can't for some reason and have to say no. So please don't stop asking me about that sort of thing. But that does make it hard for people to interpret how I want to be approached on any other given thing-- will it be something she feels happy to be asked, or something she'll resent because she doesn't feel free to say no? And I do want to be the sort of person that a friend feels like they could go to for help without having to feel sorry about it. I guess as long as the ask if made totally ungrudging of a possible no answer, then it's definitely fine to ask. I hope that doesn't seem like an unfair standard, and that I've either made myself unapproachable or impossible to please.

But, as you just pointed out, I always worry about what everyone thinks.

Yes, I am definitely fixated on that. As to why, the flip answer is that people tend to think I'm a stuck-up asshole, and if that's true of me, then I'm working not to be like that, and if it's not true of me, I'd like to get as little of the punishment for something I'm not as possible.

The real answer is I worry that if I write off the opinion of the wrong friend/person I will get kicked in the teeth for it later. I know I have problems with being mean, self-centered, and ungenerous. I worry that if anyone else thinks I am, then it's just confirmation and I've behaved badly and have to change. But even when I honestly don't think that's how I'm being, I know because I come off that way sometimes people will write me off for it. It's hard to not just try to do whatever I think nobody will call me a jerk for.

Like, right now, I'm dealing with somebody who felt the need to take me to task for something I wrote on this blog. As far as I can tell, they're offended by the substance and have told me I'm rude and toxic for putting in "a public space" like my own blog. And it exemplifies "a pattern about me" that has hurt an unspecified number of other people. I don't really agree with their position, but what can I do? If I say, "Well, that's your opinion, sorry you were hurt," how many of those "other people" will end up thinking ill of me? And what will the fallout from that be? Will I damage relationships I don't want to damage? What if that being my answer makes me an asshole after all? What if, on the rare occasion I do get up my courage to ask somebody for something I really need, they turn me down because this incident made them think I was a dick?

Sorry for the infodump, you probably don't care. But that's a typical situation that reinforces my fear. It's a real problem, but one I unfortunately don't really know how to solve.

[lillibet.livejournal.com]

I asked :) And by asking, I was inviting you to think it out and I am perfectly happy to read it and understand the problem space in more detail.

I'm glad that you don't mind being asked to work on projects. One of our biggest problems, actually, is people who don't say no when they can't actually commit to a show. Saying no is always fine--we'll find someone else and we'll hope to work with you again in the future.

I'm sorry that you've been caught in this kind of drama. That used to happen to me more often and I've learned through sometimes painful experience to keep letting go people who are likely to believe the worst of me. When I was rehearsing Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf I realized that part of what was hard for me was that I know there are people out there who would think that me playing Martha is type-casting and it was painful to think of exposing myself that way.

I hope this all gets easier for you.