Fading fast

[breakinglight11]

Going home again this weekend, and again, not looking forward to it. Dad says Mom is fading fast. I know the hospice people came by the house last week, and though they didn't exactly tell me what that means, I can only conclude that it was to make whatever preparations necessary for Mom to die. Again, not sure exactly what those preparations might be, but it's a depressing thought to go home to.

Not to make it all about me. I'm not the one who's dying. I want to be there for her, so of course I will be. But it's rough. Trying not to let it drag me down, but not entirely succeeding.

I hate that I'm so fucking fragile. The rest of my family meets it head on a lot better than I do. I feel avoidant and cringey just thinking about it. But it's not about me.

Comments

[lillibet.livejournal.com]

It is about you. Your mother is dying and that's an enormous event in anyone's life.

Have you seen the graphic about who you should complain to during a crisis? (Sorry not link, but I'm on my phone.) It basically boils down to "offer support inward (toward the center of the crisis) and pull support from outward." So, yes, it would be inappropriate for you to ask your mother, or your father, most likely, to listen to how this is about you, but with your friends, your community, it is entirely about you from our perspective and asking us to listen it's utterly, completely reasonable and appropriate.

[twilighttremolo.livejournal.com]

I remember this stage from when my grandfather was fighting cancer. There were a couple times I just broke down in tears in public. It's just awful on the family -- you are already grieving, but the worst isn't over so you're afraid, etc. I imagine it's even worse when its your own mother, rather than a grandparent (whom I loved but was not close with).

[breakinglight11.livejournal.com]

That a good way to conceptualize it. I'll look up that graphic, I think it could be helpful. Thanks for suggesting it, I appreciate the understanding.

[breakinglight11.livejournal.com]

Thanks for understanding. It's nice to hear that you do.

[laura47.livejournal.com]

yeah "support in, dump out" has been the mantra around here lately, and I find it really works well. it's not "all about you", but for everyone who knows her, it is *also* about them, because she has an effect on their lives. for those closest to her, that effect is largest. so i say, support your mother, support your family, don't let what you are going through weigh on them... but don't deny yourself the support you need, from those who are more able to give it to you. They want to help you, best they can.

There's nothing much to say past that. I hope you and your family find solace in each other and are supported by the people you love. Of course, if I can somehow help you, I am available.

[neuroliz.livejournal.com]

oh, my; this and the extreme unction post - yes, as others have noted, feel free to talk out as needed with friends. (btdt on mom-dying-of-cancer and yes it does indeed suck) Hoping you take space you need and allow yourself to feel the feelings and be with it as much as you need. It can feel quite crazy.