All that time lost
May. 19th, 2014 08:47 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
breakinglight11I found a downloadable PDF version of Lundy Bancroft’s book, “Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men,” which identifies the motivations and behaviors of abusive partners, and have been reading through it. It’s a really well-done book, providing a very clear explanation of how to know an abusive behavior when you see one, and with a tone completely supportive of the victim.
It’s not perfect—he seems to think due to social structures it is next to impossible for a woman to abuse a man the same way, which I don’t agree with, but I think it’s mostly there so that women don’t allow people to tell them that they’re the abusive ones, like many of their abusive partners do. I’m glad of the education, and I think there are many people it can help to get out of abusive relationships. I wish I’d had something like this many years earlier, though, and reading it now tends to just stir up a lot of bad memories.
MANY things herein describe my previous relationship to a T—the level of demand, the double standards, his need to always be right, the sexual coercion, the gaslighting. Leaving aside how upset I am that after a few years I RECOGNIZED that he was doing a lot of these behaviors and STILL didn’t run screaming for the hills, I get so upset thinking how much time I lost just managing him. I made so many choices and spent so much effort not set off his bullshit—to minimize the ways he would punish me. I missed out on a lot because of it. There were things I wanted to do but couldn’t because of him, things I didn’t want to do but had to. I’ll never get that time or effort back, and sometimes I wonder if there’s been permanent damage done to my progress in life because of it.
I’m still so angry for what he put me through. And I’m angry at myself. I mean, I get it. I know that what he was doing to me wasn’t clear until I was already hooked, and I worried if I cut that cancer out I would bleed to death. But still, eventually I knew, at least to a certain degree, and I still let it go on.
It’s not perfect—he seems to think due to social structures it is next to impossible for a woman to abuse a man the same way, which I don’t agree with, but I think it’s mostly there so that women don’t allow people to tell them that they’re the abusive ones, like many of their abusive partners do. I’m glad of the education, and I think there are many people it can help to get out of abusive relationships. I wish I’d had something like this many years earlier, though, and reading it now tends to just stir up a lot of bad memories.
MANY things herein describe my previous relationship to a T—the level of demand, the double standards, his need to always be right, the sexual coercion, the gaslighting. Leaving aside how upset I am that after a few years I RECOGNIZED that he was doing a lot of these behaviors and STILL didn’t run screaming for the hills, I get so upset thinking how much time I lost just managing him. I made so many choices and spent so much effort not set off his bullshit—to minimize the ways he would punish me. I missed out on a lot because of it. There were things I wanted to do but couldn’t because of him, things I didn’t want to do but had to. I’ll never get that time or effort back, and sometimes I wonder if there’s been permanent damage done to my progress in life because of it.
I’m still so angry for what he put me through. And I’m angry at myself. I mean, I get it. I know that what he was doing to me wasn’t clear until I was already hooked, and I worried if I cut that cancer out I would bleed to death. But still, eventually I knew, at least to a certain degree, and I still let it go on.
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