Object of value
Sep. 22nd, 2014 01:05 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
breakinglight11Feeling "productive" or "useful" is probably more necessary to my mental wellbeing than anything else. I feel a strong compulsion to be making, doing, or enabling things that could be considered valuable, enough that I feel off and weird when I'm for whatever reason not able to.
It has its upshots. I get a lot done! I do a lot of cool things! It provides a sort of objective measure by which to regard myself; if I'm busy doing a lot of worthy things, it helps me to feel good about myself even if I feel down. It also acts as a countermeasure to depression-fueled inertia. My life never gets off the rails, nor do I ever fall down on my responsibilities, but I know that I will at least feel somewhat better if I keep doing things, and often that is the path for me to pulling through entirely.
The downside, however, is I have a hard time feeling good about myself if I'm not doing things, or enough things, I consider sufficiently worthy. Humans should have intrinsic value, but I have a hard time believing that in my gut. I should be doing things, making things, accomplishing things, in order to be valuable. I should be beautiful and strong and capable in order to be useful to people. It's not a healthy thing all the time, especially when you're too depleted to see that you're hitting all those marks. It's somewhat objectifying, really, to place that much of a person's value on how much or what sort of things they're doing, or how they are useful to others.
I shouldn't objectify myself that way, and I don't know why I do. I never felt anything but loved and valued growing up, regardless of what I did, though I did spend childhood watching two extremely capable parents who were staggeringly productive all the time. For whatever reason, it's a hard feeling to shake. I like the motivation it gives, but when I'm not able to get more done, especially when I'm not accomplishing a goal I set for myself, I feel an unreasonable amount of disgust for myself.
It has its upshots. I get a lot done! I do a lot of cool things! It provides a sort of objective measure by which to regard myself; if I'm busy doing a lot of worthy things, it helps me to feel good about myself even if I feel down. It also acts as a countermeasure to depression-fueled inertia. My life never gets off the rails, nor do I ever fall down on my responsibilities, but I know that I will at least feel somewhat better if I keep doing things, and often that is the path for me to pulling through entirely.
The downside, however, is I have a hard time feeling good about myself if I'm not doing things, or enough things, I consider sufficiently worthy. Humans should have intrinsic value, but I have a hard time believing that in my gut. I should be doing things, making things, accomplishing things, in order to be valuable. I should be beautiful and strong and capable in order to be useful to people. It's not a healthy thing all the time, especially when you're too depleted to see that you're hitting all those marks. It's somewhat objectifying, really, to place that much of a person's value on how much or what sort of things they're doing, or how they are useful to others.
I shouldn't objectify myself that way, and I don't know why I do. I never felt anything but loved and valued growing up, regardless of what I did, though I did spend childhood watching two extremely capable parents who were staggeringly productive all the time. For whatever reason, it's a hard feeling to shake. I like the motivation it gives, but when I'm not able to get more done, especially when I'm not accomplishing a goal I set for myself, I feel an unreasonable amount of disgust for myself.
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