Partner of my labors

[breakinglight11]

It’s times like these, when I have so, so many things on my plate that I miss Bernie being around the most. He’s always very supportive of me, which he has no difficulty doing from far away, and I’ve relied on that as I’ve been getting through this shockingly intense schedule. But the one thing I could really right now use is an extra pair of hands, the little extra help that you can expect from sharing your life with a partner, and that I’m sorely missing.

I feel kind of bad confessing that’s the part of Bernie being gone I find most difficult. It sounds as if the most important value I place in him is what use I can make of him. But I swear it isn’t that. It’s that it’s the only part of our relationship that we cannot have from a distance.

I do surprisingly well being on my own for long periods. Bernie and I talk for hours every day, and he’s so good at making me feel loved and supported from that alone, so the emotional closeness is there. I don’t really experience the phenomenon of becoming touch-starved. Whatever the state of things are in that regard, I just kind of get used to it and that becomes okay. So even though it’s been over a year at this point, it hasn’t been that bad.

But the one thing that isn’t the same is that we can’t help each other out in any material way. Just little things— like, if you’re going to be cooking for yourself anyway, it isn’t much extra work to make enough for two people, and then the other person is saved some work. That somebody can run an errand for you in the course of their day, or be the one to turn over the laundry, or help you carry all the bags you need for your day to the car. Those aren’t huge things, but when you’re this busy any little bit of relief makes a difference. And on top of that, it makes me think of all the things I may not suffer too much from the absence of but that I still did enjoy about partnered life. I try not to dwell on it, but it makes me a little bit melancholy.