Creeping displeasure

[breakinglight11]

Something I've often said to myself is that my coping mechanisms deal with all the issues stemming from my depression except they can't make me happy. I am very good at countermanding the various problems it causes me. I keep my life in order. I am very productive. I take care of my health by eating right, sleeping enough, and exercising. I keep doing activities and projects. I maintain relationships and fancy that I keep myself from becoming too excessively unpleasant to be around. The only thing I can never seem to change is that, when I'm feeling bad, there's nothing I can actively do to change it. The emotional effect of my depressive episodes tends to take the form of being angry at the world, resentful of everything, for all the things I want that stay out of my reach. Not that I'm constantly miserable, but it's a bit of persistent grind, and it only goes away whenever it feels like it, and I seem to have no personal power to affect it.

Lately, however, I've found myself experiencing anhedonia more and more frequently. I've spent an increasing amount of time lately unable to take much joy from the things that are theoretically pleasurable and important to me. I asked Bernie if he noticed any pattern, and he agreed that while it used to be typical that when I was in the depths of an emotional downswing I wouldn't enjoy anything, but these days it's been a problem persistently, even when I'm at an even keel.

It worries me, because it seems pretty clear it's getting worse. And I think it's something my coping mechanisms can't address. I'm so angry and sad on such a regular basis, I'm terrified of how joyless I'll be if I stop enjoying my activities.