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breakinglight11This weekend I participated in Theatre@First's second charity twenty-four-hour play festival. Just like back in October, at 9pm Friday night we were given a line and a set piece and had to rush home and write a ten-minute play from scratch due to our production team by 8am the next day. It's a cool project; I'm really impressed by the actors and directors who stage it and get off book in less than a day, and all the proceeds were donated to the Boston Area Rape Crisis Center.
Full disclosure: this one is based on an idea I'd already had, and explored a bit in prose form back in grad school, which in turn grew out of a joke I remembered from a fan fic I read when I was a kid. But I was very, very tired— it's been a long week —and I thought it would be easy to rework the idea into the short play form.
I'm reasonably happy with it, though it has my typical first-draft problem of being way, way too wordy. And if I'm honest, I think I liked the one I wrote last time, "Love is Dead," about the necromancer going on a date and her sad zombie friend. But it is very funny still. It's got some clever ideas. And it amuses me that apparently I always write about monsters when I have to slap something together on very short notice. Zombies last time, fish people this.
THE CREATURE FROM THE BACKLOT LAGOON
By Phoebe Roberts
Directed by Tom Russell
GRENDALIA, a fish monster, working as a movie monster – Megan Hennessey
LUKE, a human actor - Adam Schofield-Bodt
Location: a film set
(Lights up on LUKE, backing away with his hands up, melodramatic like an old-fashioned scream queen. GRENDALIA, the monster, advances on him.)
LUKE:
No! Stay back, you— foul beast! You monster! No!
(GRENDALIA jumps on him and bites him throat. He screams and collapses. The set bell rings, and they part. They look offstage to where the director supposedly is.)
GRENDALIA:
(speaking in a posh voice) Is that cut, Roddy?
LUKE:
How was that? Did— did we get the shot?
GRENDALIA:
All right, then. Take five, everyone; make it a tight five.
(She turns to LUKE, who is still kind of freaked out by her.)
GRENDALIA:
Beautiful work, Luke! And all in one take! That’s the one they’ll print, you’ll see.
LUKE:
Ah— thanks, Grendalia.
GRENDALIA:
The look in your eyes was just perfect. So realistic!
LUKE:
Well— you’re pretty scary— I mean— not that you’re scary! Your acting! You’re good at acting scary!
GRENDALIA:
You can relax, love. Though I’m sure the makeup man finds you a lot easier to work on when you’ve got that blank expression of terror.
LUKE:
It’s not terror! It’s just… surprise. I never met a— a—
GRENDALIA:
A real monster before?
LUKE:
Well, yeah.
GRENDALIA:
We prefer behemoth-Americans.
LUKE:
Oh, my God, really?
GRENDALIA:
(Laughing) No. But I take it you thought all movie monsters were just played by computer graphics and rubber suits?
LUKE:
Well. They don’t exactly show you that on the DVD bonus materials.
GRENDALIA:
All part of that Hollywood magic.
LUKE:
This is my first big break. I’m still learning the ropes.
GRENDALIA:
Don’t be too hard on yourself, my dear. Why do you think all the first scenes on the schedule have you screaming your head off? They didn’t want to give the shock a chance to wear off.
LUKE:
I never went method before! So… are there a lot of you? Monster actors?
GRENDALIA:
A few. Not as many as I’d like. A lot of roles do go to the fellows in latex makeup. But fortunately, these days more studios are aware of the problem of human washing.
LUKE:
How did you get into the movie business?
GRENDALIA:
Well, I’d always dreamed of being an actress. But of course the right roles don’t come along very often. Not too many casting calls mention scales. So at first the only work I could find was doing dialogue replacement, for the hellish mood wailing on the soundtrack. Sometimes they had me handle some underwater photography. But there’s always eventually a need for something scary to crawl out of some pit or other.
LUKE:
I bet you crawled with the best of them.
GRENDALIA:
My mother always said I was the stuff that nightmares were made of.
LUKE:
I believe her.
GRENDALIA:
It wasn’t the most glamorous work, I admit, but like most working actors, I had to start off small. I don’t suppose you saw a sophisticated little piece by the name of Cretin with the Black Harpoon?
LUKE:
You were the Creature from the Black Lagoon?
GRENDALIA:
No, I was an off-brand B-movie version of the Creature From the Black Lagoon. But it does have the distinction of being my first title role.
LUKE:
Are there a lot of you in the business?
GRENDALIA:
Not too many on this side of the camera, I must admit. But there are quite a few supernatural stagehands. And a dear old friend of mine has made quite a career of overdubbing the voice of James Earl Jones.
LUKE:
Excuse me? James Earl Jones, as in, Darth Vader?
GRENDALIA:
My werewolf friend, it turns out.
LUKE:
So you’re telling me there’s a third actor fighting for credit on that role?
GRENDALIA:
Mr. Jones is terrifically talented, of course. The only trouble was, well, he really hasn’t got much of a voice. Squeaky, high-pitched, a real shame. But my lupine pal was on the crew at the time and looking for acting work, and well, serendipity seems to have struck.
LUKE:
I always thought that voice was too awesome to be human. But if there are so many of you across the movie business, why keep it a secret from everybody?
GRENDALIA:
(Sighing) Like I said, my friend. It’s all part of the magic of the movies. Filmmakers look a lot cleverer when the public thinks it was their visionary work that made all those fantastic effects come to life.
LUKE:
That doesn’t seem very fair.
GRENDALIA:
It is a bit of a sore point in the monstrous film community.
LUKE:
Visibility is really important. All the little monsters need some way to see themselves, right?
GRENDALIA:
Very true. But I’m afraid it’s more complicated than that. Do you recall that John Malkovich movie, Shadow of the Vampire?
LUKE:
Oh, yeah. The one about how Count Orlok in Nosferatu was played by a real… oh, my God. Was he?
GRENDALIA:
To be sure.
LUKE:
But I thought he was played by Willem Defoe— ohhhhhh!
GRENDALIA:
Have you had a good look at the fellow? Does that face really look human to you?
LUKE:
Wow.
GRENDALIA:
I’ll grant you there’s some makeup involved in the day to day. But I really don’t know how he thinks he can pass.
LUKE:
But what’s so important about that movie?
GRENDALIA:
You see, that film was… sort of a test, in a way. It was to see how people would react to the idea, if they would find it intriguing or off-putting.
LUKE:
What went wrong?
GRENDALIA:
Do you happen to remember the ending?
LUKE:
You mean… where Max Shreck eats everyone?
GRENDALIA:
Yes, well… that wasn’t a dramatization, so much.
LUKE:
Ah.
(Sudden fear strikes him and he looks at GRENDALIA strangely.)
GRENDALIA:
An isolated incident, I promise you! Most of us in the business have more manners than that! I myself only eat fish blood, if that’s any comfort to you.
LUKE:
Of course. I totally get it. I— I love fish!
(Pause as he kicks himself for his awkwardness, which she graciously ignores.)
GRENDALIA:
At any rate, after that, it didn’t seem like such a good idea to tell the public just how real things were.
LUKE:
I’m sorry. If people realized, they might get to know you a little better. Maybe they’d see you’re not really so scary.
GRENDALIA:
Not to worry. The world is changing, slowly. Don’t spread this around, but I have an audition lined up that I have a very good feeling about.
LUKE:
That’s great. What’s the project?
GRENDALIA:
You didn’t hear this from me, but— after the Oscar? They’re very seriously considering a Shape of Water 2.
(The set bell rings again.)
GRENDALIA:
And that’s places, everyone! Shall we?
LUKE:
Oh, yeah. Where were we?
GRENDALIA:
I believe you were screaming your lungs out.
LUKE:
Right. I’d better make it count.
(They return to places and get into position.)
GRENDALIA:
And one, two, three…
(Lights out on LUKE’s scream.)
Full disclosure: this one is based on an idea I'd already had, and explored a bit in prose form back in grad school, which in turn grew out of a joke I remembered from a fan fic I read when I was a kid. But I was very, very tired— it's been a long week —and I thought it would be easy to rework the idea into the short play form.
I'm reasonably happy with it, though it has my typical first-draft problem of being way, way too wordy. And if I'm honest, I think I liked the one I wrote last time, "Love is Dead," about the necromancer going on a date and her sad zombie friend. But it is very funny still. It's got some clever ideas. And it amuses me that apparently I always write about monsters when I have to slap something together on very short notice. Zombies last time, fish people this.
By Phoebe Roberts
Directed by Tom Russell
GRENDALIA, a fish monster, working as a movie monster – Megan Hennessey
LUKE, a human actor - Adam Schofield-Bodt
Location: a film set
(Lights up on LUKE, backing away with his hands up, melodramatic like an old-fashioned scream queen. GRENDALIA, the monster, advances on him.)
LUKE:
No! Stay back, you— foul beast! You monster! No!
(GRENDALIA jumps on him and bites him throat. He screams and collapses. The set bell rings, and they part. They look offstage to where the director supposedly is.)
GRENDALIA:
(speaking in a posh voice) Is that cut, Roddy?
LUKE:
How was that? Did— did we get the shot?
GRENDALIA:
All right, then. Take five, everyone; make it a tight five.
(She turns to LUKE, who is still kind of freaked out by her.)
GRENDALIA:
Beautiful work, Luke! And all in one take! That’s the one they’ll print, you’ll see.
LUKE:
Ah— thanks, Grendalia.
GRENDALIA:
The look in your eyes was just perfect. So realistic!
LUKE:
Well— you’re pretty scary— I mean— not that you’re scary! Your acting! You’re good at acting scary!
GRENDALIA:
You can relax, love. Though I’m sure the makeup man finds you a lot easier to work on when you’ve got that blank expression of terror.
LUKE:
It’s not terror! It’s just… surprise. I never met a— a—
GRENDALIA:
A real monster before?
LUKE:
Well, yeah.
GRENDALIA:
We prefer behemoth-Americans.
LUKE:
Oh, my God, really?
GRENDALIA:
(Laughing) No. But I take it you thought all movie monsters were just played by computer graphics and rubber suits?
LUKE:
Well. They don’t exactly show you that on the DVD bonus materials.
GRENDALIA:
All part of that Hollywood magic.
LUKE:
This is my first big break. I’m still learning the ropes.
GRENDALIA:
Don’t be too hard on yourself, my dear. Why do you think all the first scenes on the schedule have you screaming your head off? They didn’t want to give the shock a chance to wear off.
LUKE:
I never went method before! So… are there a lot of you? Monster actors?
GRENDALIA:
A few. Not as many as I’d like. A lot of roles do go to the fellows in latex makeup. But fortunately, these days more studios are aware of the problem of human washing.
LUKE:
How did you get into the movie business?
GRENDALIA:
Well, I’d always dreamed of being an actress. But of course the right roles don’t come along very often. Not too many casting calls mention scales. So at first the only work I could find was doing dialogue replacement, for the hellish mood wailing on the soundtrack. Sometimes they had me handle some underwater photography. But there’s always eventually a need for something scary to crawl out of some pit or other.
LUKE:
I bet you crawled with the best of them.
GRENDALIA:
My mother always said I was the stuff that nightmares were made of.
LUKE:
I believe her.
GRENDALIA:
It wasn’t the most glamorous work, I admit, but like most working actors, I had to start off small. I don’t suppose you saw a sophisticated little piece by the name of Cretin with the Black Harpoon?
LUKE:
You were the Creature from the Black Lagoon?
GRENDALIA:
No, I was an off-brand B-movie version of the Creature From the Black Lagoon. But it does have the distinction of being my first title role.
LUKE:
Are there a lot of you in the business?
GRENDALIA:
Not too many on this side of the camera, I must admit. But there are quite a few supernatural stagehands. And a dear old friend of mine has made quite a career of overdubbing the voice of James Earl Jones.
LUKE:
Excuse me? James Earl Jones, as in, Darth Vader?
GRENDALIA:
My werewolf friend, it turns out.
LUKE:
So you’re telling me there’s a third actor fighting for credit on that role?
GRENDALIA:
Mr. Jones is terrifically talented, of course. The only trouble was, well, he really hasn’t got much of a voice. Squeaky, high-pitched, a real shame. But my lupine pal was on the crew at the time and looking for acting work, and well, serendipity seems to have struck.
LUKE:
I always thought that voice was too awesome to be human. But if there are so many of you across the movie business, why keep it a secret from everybody?
GRENDALIA:
(Sighing) Like I said, my friend. It’s all part of the magic of the movies. Filmmakers look a lot cleverer when the public thinks it was their visionary work that made all those fantastic effects come to life.
LUKE:
That doesn’t seem very fair.
GRENDALIA:
It is a bit of a sore point in the monstrous film community.
LUKE:
Visibility is really important. All the little monsters need some way to see themselves, right?
GRENDALIA:
Very true. But I’m afraid it’s more complicated than that. Do you recall that John Malkovich movie, Shadow of the Vampire?
LUKE:
Oh, yeah. The one about how Count Orlok in Nosferatu was played by a real… oh, my God. Was he?
GRENDALIA:
To be sure.
LUKE:
But I thought he was played by Willem Defoe— ohhhhhh!
GRENDALIA:
Have you had a good look at the fellow? Does that face really look human to you?
LUKE:
Wow.
GRENDALIA:
I’ll grant you there’s some makeup involved in the day to day. But I really don’t know how he thinks he can pass.
LUKE:
But what’s so important about that movie?
GRENDALIA:
You see, that film was… sort of a test, in a way. It was to see how people would react to the idea, if they would find it intriguing or off-putting.
LUKE:
What went wrong?
GRENDALIA:
Do you happen to remember the ending?
LUKE:
You mean… where Max Shreck eats everyone?
GRENDALIA:
Yes, well… that wasn’t a dramatization, so much.
LUKE:
Ah.
(Sudden fear strikes him and he looks at GRENDALIA strangely.)
GRENDALIA:
An isolated incident, I promise you! Most of us in the business have more manners than that! I myself only eat fish blood, if that’s any comfort to you.
LUKE:
Of course. I totally get it. I— I love fish!
(Pause as he kicks himself for his awkwardness, which she graciously ignores.)
GRENDALIA:
At any rate, after that, it didn’t seem like such a good idea to tell the public just how real things were.
LUKE:
I’m sorry. If people realized, they might get to know you a little better. Maybe they’d see you’re not really so scary.
GRENDALIA:
Not to worry. The world is changing, slowly. Don’t spread this around, but I have an audition lined up that I have a very good feeling about.
LUKE:
That’s great. What’s the project?
GRENDALIA:
You didn’t hear this from me, but— after the Oscar? They’re very seriously considering a Shape of Water 2.
(The set bell rings again.)
GRENDALIA:
And that’s places, everyone! Shall we?
LUKE:
Oh, yeah. Where were we?
GRENDALIA:
I believe you were screaming your lungs out.
LUKE:
Right. I’d better make it count.
(They return to places and get into position.)
GRENDALIA:
And one, two, three…
(Lights out on LUKE’s scream.)
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