31 Plays in 31 Days, #28 - "Holing Up"
Aug. 28th, 2019 09:42 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
breakinglight11A poorly excerpted scene from my idea for a Jeeves and Wooster reboot. I haven't quite finished the immediately preceding scene, but it would be Bertie being accosted and pushed around by his current fiancée Lady Florence Craye, who is horrible and whom he is too polite to break up with.
The most important bit to know, hopefully set up in Day #24 - "Once More Into the Breach", is that Bertie is wearing teabags on his feet because his former valet stole all his socks. With that in mind, proceed.
Day #28 - "Holing Up"
From Jeeves Takes Charge
By Phoebe Roberts
England, 1919
BERTIE WOOSTER, a rich, good hearted society idiot
CHARLES EDWARD "BIFFY" BIFFEN, a friend and peer of Bertie's
RUDOLPH, the steward of the Drone's Club
~~~
INT. DRONE’S CLUB – DAY
Bertie scapes inside, handing off his hat and cane to the porter with a sigh of relief. Sitting at the bar is Bertie’s old friend, a gentleman of similar background and ability, Charles Edward Biffen, or “BIFFY.”
BIFFY: Hello, Bertie. Why do you smell of Darjeeling?
BERTIE: Don’t ask, old boy.
BIFFY: Was that your fiancée? Lady Florence Craye?
BERTIE: The very soul.
BIFFY: She’s a lovely girl.
BERTIE: Exquisite.
BIFFY: I know it.
BERTIE: Do you want her?
BIFFY: What?
BERTIE: It’s a funny thing, the old engagement. You’d think it takes two to tango, but while I fancied I’d wend my merry way a bachelor for a few more turns of the Bally old sun, I’m afraid dear old Florence never got the missive.
BIFFY: How’d that happen?
BERTIE: Oh, you know how it is. A girl decides you’re the rock she’d like to chain herself to so as to not be swept away by the storm, and what’s a gentleman to do but submit to his lashing? Can’t be rude, after all.
BIFFY: Certainly not.
BERTIE: Still, are you quite sure I can’t convince you to take her off my hands?
BIFFY: Afraid not, old bean. I was seated next to Beatrice Henstridge at the Danforths’ fete for the spring solstice, and I gave her rather the wrong idea when I was patting ‘round beneath the table for my dog. So I’m afraid I’m in quite the same boat.
BERTIE: Betrayal by man’s most faithful, that is. Well, jolly bad luck for the both of us. In that case, care to keep me company while I hole up here at the Drone’s?
BIFFY: If this is your hole of choice, why, then hole away, old boy.
Bertie signals to the barman, who serves them two martinis. They pick them up and clink.
INT – DRONE’S CLUB – EVENING
Much time and many martinis later, Biffy checks his pocket watch as Bertie continues drinking.
BIFFY: How long did you intend on holing, Bertie?
BERTIE: Oh, you know, just until I’m certain Florence isn’t lying in wait out there.
BIFFY: It’s been five hours, old boy.
BERTIE: Florence is patient. She’s like a praying mantis that way.
BIFFY: I’d best catch a cab. My gran will be expecting her feet rubbed before bedtime.
Biffy exits, and Bertie calls too-loudly after him.
BERTIE: Take care Florence doesn’t eat you!
INT – DRONE’S CLUB – NIGHT
Night falls, and Bertie is the still at the bar, very drunk, tossing them back. RUDOLPH, the steward, tapes him apologetically on the shoulder.
RUDOLPH: I’m afraid the bar is closing, sir. I’d show you to a room, but they’re all taken up tonight by the traveling men’s competitive Morris dancing team.
BERTIE: Nothing in it, old man. I’ll find my own way home.
He slips off the stool and scrabbles for purchase.
BERTIE: But if you could just point me at the door, that’d be a decent start.
Rudolph guides him by the shoulders toward the exit.
The most important bit to know, hopefully set up in Day #24 - "Once More Into the Breach", is that Bertie is wearing teabags on his feet because his former valet stole all his socks. With that in mind, proceed.
Day #28 - "Holing Up"
From Jeeves Takes Charge
By Phoebe Roberts
England, 1919
BERTIE WOOSTER, a rich, good hearted society idiot
CHARLES EDWARD "BIFFY" BIFFEN, a friend and peer of Bertie's
RUDOLPH, the steward of the Drone's Club
~~~
INT. DRONE’S CLUB – DAY
Bertie scapes inside, handing off his hat and cane to the porter with a sigh of relief. Sitting at the bar is Bertie’s old friend, a gentleman of similar background and ability, Charles Edward Biffen, or “BIFFY.”
BIFFY: Hello, Bertie. Why do you smell of Darjeeling?
BERTIE: Don’t ask, old boy.
BIFFY: Was that your fiancée? Lady Florence Craye?
BERTIE: The very soul.
BIFFY: She’s a lovely girl.
BERTIE: Exquisite.
BIFFY: I know it.
BERTIE: Do you want her?
BIFFY: What?
BERTIE: It’s a funny thing, the old engagement. You’d think it takes two to tango, but while I fancied I’d wend my merry way a bachelor for a few more turns of the Bally old sun, I’m afraid dear old Florence never got the missive.
BIFFY: How’d that happen?
BERTIE: Oh, you know how it is. A girl decides you’re the rock she’d like to chain herself to so as to not be swept away by the storm, and what’s a gentleman to do but submit to his lashing? Can’t be rude, after all.
BIFFY: Certainly not.
BERTIE: Still, are you quite sure I can’t convince you to take her off my hands?
BIFFY: Afraid not, old bean. I was seated next to Beatrice Henstridge at the Danforths’ fete for the spring solstice, and I gave her rather the wrong idea when I was patting ‘round beneath the table for my dog. So I’m afraid I’m in quite the same boat.
BERTIE: Betrayal by man’s most faithful, that is. Well, jolly bad luck for the both of us. In that case, care to keep me company while I hole up here at the Drone’s?
BIFFY: If this is your hole of choice, why, then hole away, old boy.
Bertie signals to the barman, who serves them two martinis. They pick them up and clink.
INT – DRONE’S CLUB – EVENING
Much time and many martinis later, Biffy checks his pocket watch as Bertie continues drinking.
BIFFY: How long did you intend on holing, Bertie?
BERTIE: Oh, you know, just until I’m certain Florence isn’t lying in wait out there.
BIFFY: It’s been five hours, old boy.
BERTIE: Florence is patient. She’s like a praying mantis that way.
BIFFY: I’d best catch a cab. My gran will be expecting her feet rubbed before bedtime.
Biffy exits, and Bertie calls too-loudly after him.
BERTIE: Take care Florence doesn’t eat you!
INT – DRONE’S CLUB – NIGHT
Night falls, and Bertie is the still at the bar, very drunk, tossing them back. RUDOLPH, the steward, tapes him apologetically on the shoulder.
RUDOLPH: I’m afraid the bar is closing, sir. I’d show you to a room, but they’re all taken up tonight by the traveling men’s competitive Morris dancing team.
BERTIE: Nothing in it, old man. I’ll find my own way home.
He slips off the stool and scrabbles for purchase.
BERTIE: But if you could just point me at the door, that’d be a decent start.
Rudolph guides him by the shoulders toward the exit.
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