Brave or stupid

[breakinglight11]

I went to the Counter-Protest to the Straight Pride today, and I just want to record some thoughts.

The police incited a lot of violence. I saw no particularly indication of trouble started by the protesters they seized even when they were quite close by to me. But I was not afraid of the police. I cannot really explain why. Maybe I was detached; I have been so burnt out with anxiety lately maybe I didn't have any fear left. Maybe I'm buried too deep in my privilege, and in my bubble I just could not conceive of being in real danger. Maybe this was incredibly stupid of me and I am just mind-bogglingly lucky that they didn't arrest or hurt me.

But men have never in my life treated me with the kind of patronization, aggression, or objectification that so many women as a group are subjected to. It just... doesn't happen to me. Ever, basically. And it didn't today.

Maybe it was my appearance or behavior. I am a small, conventionally attractive white woman who did not look queer, or Black Bloc. I am not much of a yeller or a chanter. I mostly just marched and stared. There was more than one cop I stared at until he looked away. Perhaps I was completely non threatening. Perhaps my privilege as that aforementioned kind of white woman was all consuming.

But when the cops rushed through their own barriers at nearby people dressed for Black Bloc, for no provocation that I could detect, sometimes they pushed right towards me. It did not frighten me. I didn't feel any need to move. They stepped around me as if I were a wall.

I keep replaying it in my head to see if I was being an idiot. Should I have been more afraid? Why wasn't I? I don't know on either count.

Comments

[valleyviolet]

Despite not having felt physically threatened... the way you're describing this sounds like you might be feeling a bit emotionally traumatized by what you saw (and given how scary it sounds just reading your account, I would definitely think that was a normal response). Do you have someone you could talk to about this face-to-face? I know discussing this sort of thing with another human in person helps me process this kind of emotional upset. Either way, I hope you're able to work through it and feel more centered about the whole experience soon. :(

[breakinglight11]

Thank you so much for being concerned, but I am actually not traumatized. I'm fine. Just wondering if I need to be more careful in future if I'm going to keep going to things in future...

[kitchen_kink]

This is a fascinating account of what I understand was an awful situation.

It sounds like you were in a space of "fuck these guys, they have no power over me." Which I've been in, and can feel...detached, like you're describing.

[breakinglight11]

Thank you. And yeah, I think that's a very good way to put it.