31 Plays in 31 Days, #31 - “Derek in Hell”

[breakinglight11]

Finished. Late, but finished. Thank God.

This is a Dream Machine bit that doesn’t have any paticular place yet. It’s based off of a fight Bernie and I have on a regular basis. With some polishing, it could be quite funny. But for now, just glad I’m done.



Day #31 - “Derek in Hell”
From Dream Machine

Leah Lucchesi, head writer of the “Offcomer” series
Ryan Dresden, head of programming at Dream Machine
Josie Carraway, lead actress on “Offcomer”
Derek Kaplan, technical director at Dream Machine
Devon Chambers, lead actor on “Offcomer”
~~~

INT. PAMPLEMOUSSE STUDIO - NIGHT

Leah waits in her eveningwear for Derek, who enters in his usual khakhis and work boots.

LEAH: Why are you not dressed yet?

DEREK: What do you mean?

LEAH: You’re in your typical hideous hobo clothes.

DEREK: If you were expecting me naked, I have to say, you should be so lucky.

LEAH: They’re not going to let you in, they’re going to send you outside to do the yard work.

DEREK: Good, then I won’t have to sit and make small talk with a bunch of VC assholes.

LEAH: Why do you think we’re going, if not to schmooze these people?

DEREK: I figured you just wanted to fill your purse with hors d’oeuvres.

LEAH: I am doing that also, but why would I bother dragging you then?

DEREK: Because I can fit a lot more in my cargo pockets.

LEAH: Oh, no, you can’t— because you are turning around and putting on grownup pants like a grownup.

DEREK: Or I can just not go. And make you talk to other human beings all by yourself.

LEAH: Oh, you’re going, and you’re going to change before you go. Don’t make me make you.

DEREK: Oh, yeah, ninety-pound wonder? You and what army?

They stare each other down a moment.

INT. WARDROBE DEPARTMENT - EVENING

CUT TO Derek being hustled in by Leah, Josie, Ryan, and Devon.

DEREK: Hey, hey, hey, let me go!

LEAH: What do we think, team? How can we make this grubby urchin presentable?

JOSIE: Well, he’s a winter, so he could get away with anything from emerald to oxblood.

DEREK: What kind of blood?

LEAH: Ooh, I like how you think! Nobody else will be in green, so everybody’ll look right at him!

DEREK: What? No!

LEAH: Mistress Elena, bring us the emerald!

JOSIE: What about the trouser cut?

RYAN: Put a Jersey break on the little Jersey boy.

DEVON: Nah, go highwater, because he’s a nerd.

LEAH: Just make sure they don’t turn his ass into a beanbag, okay?

DEREK: Hey, it’s two beanbags, at least!

JOSIE: Medium contrast dress shirt, of course—

LEAH: Of course, it’s not the past.

JOSIE: But what’s the tie? Complimentary pop? Or tie it into the emerald?

RYAN: This ain’t his bar mitzvah. Subtle print tone on tone.

DEVON: Ties are for losers—

DEREK: Yes! Listen to the man!

DEVON: Just leave the top three or four buttons undone and call it a day.

DEREK: Wait, no.

LEAH: He’s not whoring it up for page six.

DEVON: That’s what I do.

LEAH: Exactly.

RYAN: And lose the hat; they’ll think you ain’t got no couth.

DEREK: As a Jew, I object to that—

RYAN: Heh, if you’re looking for cultural sensitivity, Hollywood bloodsuckers are the wrong crowd, pal.

DEREK: Please, just— leave me my hiking boots!

LEAH: Oh, we’ll give you boots, all right.

RYAN: Chelsea boots.

DEVON: Two-inch heel.

JOSIE: With ankle buckles.

LEAH: How do you like them boots?

DEREK: Noooooooooo!