Post-Redemption

This past weekend was Brian and Alison's larp Redemption: High Noon at the Devil's Luck. I enjoyed this game and my character; I've always liked the Western genre and always wanted to see a larp set in the Wild West. I had some problems with it-- I prefer it when the GM is not so invested in a particular outcome. It was extremely thickly plotted, which I approved of, but I think there were internal inconsistencies that needed to be smoothed out, and tonally it was just a bit more over-the-top than I would have wanted. But I very much liked playing. Especially with the great cast it had, it was a good time and I'm glad I got to play. I was particularly pleased to see April Farmer came out. She's a friend we met through Hold Thy Peace and seemed intrigued by Jared and my going on about larps, so I was really happy that she enjoyed it. I hope she comes out to larp with us again, so I plan on keeping her informed about Festival.

Musing on my current state of mind

My hair is a staticky greasy horror today, so it was banished to two little buns on top of my head. I can never decide whether this makes me look cute or stupid.

I noticed I am developing a bad habit when I'm feeling down these days of basically reciting a litany of my problems to myself, sometimes over and over again. I think because I feel kind of pathetic about so often being overwhelmed by bad feeling lately, I need to remind myself that I have legitimate reasons for feeling bad so I feel less pathetic. I guess it's reassuring myself that no, you're not being completely stupid, you actually do have some real problems that are worth being sad over, you're not just some pussy whiner who can't handle anything. I may still feel bad, but at least I don't feel weak and pitiful.

Except it's actually pretty tough to convince myself that things are a big enough deal that I'm not just a whiner. Even just asserting "I have real problems" right now I feel kind of absurd. Makes me sound like a drama queen. I've always been inclined to ascribe my bad feeling to my just being a big sucky baby rather than claim to suffer any significant negative circumstance. It's tough to not feel like I'm just playing the victim if I ever try. Not surprising given my ideal state is to need nothing and do everything for myself.

The real problem with this bad habit, though, is that it's making it hard not to dwell on the negative. Maybe I would be sad anyway even if I didn't do this, but focusing on it so much I think is making it worse. I need to stop going over it again and again in my head. I guess I'm just worried that if I persist in being sad, I'll only make it worse because I get mad at myself for persisting in being sad. And I don't know any other way to stop getting mad at myself for it.

*Sigh* I'm working on it. I feel pretty good today. Last night I successfully cooked a stew, finished a Labor Wars character sheet, and though I didn't finish blocking for the play, at least a little progress has been made. Two out of three ain't bad. I want to go back over the sheet once more before the meeting tonight to make sure it's what I want. And I think I can get through the blocking. I feel better when I am accomplishing good things.

On a related musing note...

Something occurred to me just now. As I once mused here, I have an inclination to nothingness. When I am not at my best, nothing is more wearying to me than being unable to escape other presences in my life, whether those presences be people, expectations, obligations, anything at all that I was required to engage with. Often rather than seeking comfort in good things, I seek the comfort of nothingness. No people to talk to, pleasant or unpleasant. No work that has to be completed, validating or burdensome. No events to attend, fun or tedious. No effort to put out, no expectations to meet, no outside anything of any kind. Even when I'm feeling good, the fear of unpleasant outside forces often drive me to avoid everything entirely.

This is a real failing in me. This is the seed of what can grow into apathy, passivity, nihilism. People like that live at all moments one step closer to suicide. And yet... one consistent comment that I have received from many different quarters is remarking on how much I am engaged in. When I think about it, I see that I am a busy, proactive person who never is without an undertaking of some kind. I write, run, and play games. I throw events like dinners and parties. I put on and participate in plays. I do things all the time. I am somebody who frequently brings about things that would not happen, or would not happen as well, had I not undertaken the effort to make them so. 

Maybe it was because I was brought up with the notion that interesting people do things. The sign of a decent human being is one who cares about and is engaged in something, no matter what it is. Maybe that concept helps me overcome this failing in me. But the point is, though, that I am overcoming it. I am doing the better thing despite my negative natural inclinations.

Good for me. :-)