On a related musing note...

[breakinglight11]

Something occurred to me just now. As I once mused here, I have an inclination to nothingness. When I am not at my best, nothing is more wearying to me than being unable to escape other presences in my life, whether those presences be people, expectations, obligations, anything at all that I was required to engage with. Often rather than seeking comfort in good things, I seek the comfort of nothingness. No people to talk to, pleasant or unpleasant. No work that has to be completed, validating or burdensome. No events to attend, fun or tedious. No effort to put out, no expectations to meet, no outside anything of any kind. Even when I'm feeling good, the fear of unpleasant outside forces often drive me to avoid everything entirely.

This is a real failing in me. This is the seed of what can grow into apathy, passivity, nihilism. People like that live at all moments one step closer to suicide. And yet... one consistent comment that I have received from many different quarters is remarking on how much I am engaged in. When I think about it, I see that I am a busy, proactive person who never is without an undertaking of some kind. I write, run, and play games. I throw events like dinners and parties. I put on and participate in plays. I do things all the time. I am somebody who frequently brings about things that would not happen, or would not happen as well, had I not undertaken the effort to make them so. 

Maybe it was because I was brought up with the notion that interesting people do things. The sign of a decent human being is one who cares about and is engaged in something, no matter what it is. Maybe that concept helps me overcome this failing in me. But the point is, though, that I am overcoming it. I am doing the better thing despite my negative natural inclinations.

Good for me. :-)

Comments

[lisefrac.livejournal.com]

This is the seed of what can grow into apathy, passivity, nihilism.

I disagree. I think it's just means you're an introvert with extrovert tendencies. One sign of being an introvert is that being around people (and events, commitments, etc I would think as well), tires you out.

Obviously I don't think you should retreat into your room and never see anybody again... but I think we all need time to refresh ourselves, and not feel guilty for living up to artificial expectations of how social we should be.

I too find myself going in this direction - I can't seem to derive value from who I am rather than what I do, so I do and do and do and commit myself to things I probably shouldn't, etc. And I end up feeling overwhelmed all the time, which I think leads to my addictive behaviors, etc.

[breakinglight11.livejournal.com]

I think you're confusing "solitude" with "nothingness." The inclination I'm describing is not Emily Dickinson-style "pursuing my own meaning away from the world." I mean nothingness in the sense of I am inclined to do nothing. Not accomplish things that are important to me, not seek out things that are interesting or fun. Like, there's always this part of me that wants to lock the door and just watch television until I die. It's a phenomenon C.S. Lewis described so much more eloquently than I in Surprised by Joy. It's a small part of me, thank God, but it scares the hell out of me.

solitude

[(Anonymous)]

I believe that it is a far greater failing to be dependent on the somethings and presences in your life for your identity. People often cling to their activities because they do not know how to be content with themselves alone. When they are doing nothing, it is only because they have nothing to do, not by choice, and it leaves them feeling ungrounded and empty. Many plan their lives so that they never have to face a moment when there is nothing to do. This may make them interesting to other people, but it is not a sustainably healthy way to live. It does not allow for those moments you speak of in which there is nothing. Solitude, isolation, emptiness of surroundings and atmosphere give one a moment to recover, rejuvenate, de-stress, and be mentally prepared to meet the next passion or engagement. It is rare that anything/anyone is so purely good and comforting to a person that there is no attending thoughts of business, past stress, or future obligations. If you can find comfort in nothing, then you have simply discovered what works for you, which can only be a good thing. So much of life is simply learning how to care for yourself. Finding what works. There is no right way.
As for suicide, apathy, passiveness... I think we all struggle with these thoughts and feelings to a greater or lesser extent. Certainly, I know that apathy and passiveness were predominant factors in my life for the last 6 months or so. It made for a frustrating, hectic time. I am in a much better place now; and what I learned from that is that when I'm doing too much, engaged and committed to too many things, I lose my commitment to myself. Perhaps you do not find this true, but at least listen to the voices of the people around you. You are indeed perceived as and known for being an active, engaged, talented, go-getter, driven, fun, social person. That is not a lie that we see. You can't fake that.
So, when it comes right down to it, you have people and things that can comfort you, should you feel inclined to reach out for them. It is true that some people stubbornly cling to solitude and refuse to reach outside themselves for the help and support they need to stay healthy. They let themselves be hurt little by little and hurt themselves as well because they don't let the people in their lives close enough to help them. But as best as I can tell, and I would go so far as to say that most people would agree with me, you are far too engaged in and committed to your life for this to be a great concern. The nothingness, even when you are happy, is a balance. If you feel you are avoiding something, then face it; but don't be afraid of taking comfort in nothing.
I'll leave off here and leave room for some other comments now. I hope that this wasn't tedious or irksome to you. I just wanted to share my thoughts.

Re: solitude

[breakinglight11.livejournal.com]

Thanks for your thoughtful comment, whoever you may be. But see my response above. I don't mean "solitude." I mean there is a very scary part of me that doesn't want to be involved in anything of any kind. And that's not the same as recharging by quiet alone time.

P.S.

[(Anonymous)]

I was too busy writing my response (above) to read the first comment. But it is a "case in point" of my response. Glad to know we are in agreement. :)