Accomplishment chart, 2/1 - 2/7

For the week of 2/1 to 2/7:

Writing
- submitted my first packet of assignments for the semester
- worked on the script for the pilot episode of Vitality
- wrote up seminar description on writing for theatrical practicality
- worked on Emma Holloway-Carson Hill scene
- worked on new Mrs. Hawking idea
- 5 blog entries
- 7 daily Hipster Feminist tweets

Theater
- secured a staged reading of Mrs. Hawking with Theatre@First
- chose sides for Mrs. Hawking staged reading auditions
- got an interview for assistant director of Commonwealth Shakespeare Company’s Two Gentlemen of Verona
- submitted Mrs. Hawking for consideration for performance

Sewing/Costuming
- had my fourth Kimono Robe and Slippers sewing class
- made the French seams on the armscyes and the sides
- hemmed the robe
- made the collar of the robe

Physical
- 2 ballet classes
- 2 hour-long circuit workouts

Auditions for Mrs. Hawking reading

The Theatre@First Bare Bones website has now been updated with information about the reading of Mrs. Hawking. If you would care to audition, and I hope some of you talented people might, go to this website and fill out the form to schedule an appointment. It will be held starting 7pm on Monday, March 4th at Unity Church at 6 William Street, Somerville, MA 02144.

The process should not be arduous, just a handful of rehearsals over the course of March, and there won't be any need to memorize lines as the whole thing will simply be reading straight from the script. The one and only performance will be the evening of April 11th at 8pm in the same place as the audition, with a single dress rehearsal the night before.

This is, if I may say so myself, a really fun script. It has strong female characters, strong female characters, and lots of conflict, action, and excitement. Come on and lend your talent to helping me make this script the best it can possibly be!

No miracles left

Mom is in the hospital again. It's bad. It's really bad.

There are blood clots in her lungs, the result of the tumor growing. It never stops, not for long. She's had so many different chemos there are none left to give her. And blood clots call for blood thinners, except there's blood in her brain from the lesions, which blood thinners can only make worse. And she's so weak physically, she can barely stand up. They're trying, they've got her in the hospital to try and monitor her and treat her as best they can. But things are so bad. It would take a miracle for her to recover from this. It probably won't be long now.

Casey and I were supposed to go down to visit not this weekend but the next. But it might be that we just have to go sooner. Christ, I'd go now if it weren't for this damn storm. But all I can do now is sit here, and wait, and think, and pray, and try not to crack. God help us.

Cry

I'm sorry I keep posting. But I'm a mess and I have no other outlet right now. And I'm sad and scared and I just don't know what to do with myself. So I post and post and post.

I'm here in my house all by myself. Mostly that's okay. I like being by myself. Sometimes it's all I want when I'm upset. The eyes on me, the pity, can cut into me like knives. But the quiet is huge. My brain is so full of bad thoughts. Have been keeping the TV on continuously to distract me. But even getting my mind off of it feels bad. Here I am, sitting here alone in my house, not sure if I'm thinking too much of my mother dying, or not thinking about it enough. And I'm trapped here by the snow.

It's snowing in Pennsylvania too. Not as bad as here, but it's still a real storm. Will the hospital be okay? Do they have the staff they should when people are scared of the weather? Will they be there to take care of my mother? What if they lose power? What if my dad can't get to her? What if she takes a bad turn in the night and she's all alone? What if she dies before I can get home, and the snow is so bad not even my dad can be there with her?

Bad thoughts. Bad thoughts. Nothing I can do. Can't help her, can't reach her, can't make anything better. I can sit here and stew in it, my stomach churning, or I can zone out in front of mindless TV, conveniently not dealing with the reality that she's dying. Some choice. I can't make the right one.

I feel like my life is falling apart. All the most important things. It hurts so badly. So badly that I am so at a loss of how to deal that I'm doing this. Writing attention-seeking desperate cries like this even though I know nobody can do anything. I hate drawing attention to my inability to deal, I hate being an object of other people's pity.

But I concede. I'm laid low. Enough, universe. Enough.