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breakinglight11I'm sorry I keep posting. But I'm a mess and I have no other outlet right now. And I'm sad and scared and I just don't know what to do with myself. So I post and post and post.
I'm here in my house all by myself. Mostly that's okay. I like being by myself. Sometimes it's all I want when I'm upset. The eyes on me, the pity, can cut into me like knives. But the quiet is huge. My brain is so full of bad thoughts. Have been keeping the TV on continuously to distract me. But even getting my mind off of it feels bad. Here I am, sitting here alone in my house, not sure if I'm thinking too much of my mother dying, or not thinking about it enough. And I'm trapped here by the snow.
It's snowing in Pennsylvania too. Not as bad as here, but it's still a real storm. Will the hospital be okay? Do they have the staff they should when people are scared of the weather? Will they be there to take care of my mother? What if they lose power? What if my dad can't get to her? What if she takes a bad turn in the night and she's all alone? What if she dies before I can get home, and the snow is so bad not even my dad can be there with her?
Bad thoughts. Bad thoughts. Nothing I can do. Can't help her, can't reach her, can't make anything better. I can sit here and stew in it, my stomach churning, or I can zone out in front of mindless TV, conveniently not dealing with the reality that she's dying. Some choice. I can't make the right one.
I feel like my life is falling apart. All the most important things. It hurts so badly. So badly that I am so at a loss of how to deal that I'm doing this. Writing attention-seeking desperate cries like this even though I know nobody can do anything. I hate drawing attention to my inability to deal, I hate being an object of other people's pity.
But I concede. I'm laid low. Enough, universe. Enough.
I'm here in my house all by myself. Mostly that's okay. I like being by myself. Sometimes it's all I want when I'm upset. The eyes on me, the pity, can cut into me like knives. But the quiet is huge. My brain is so full of bad thoughts. Have been keeping the TV on continuously to distract me. But even getting my mind off of it feels bad. Here I am, sitting here alone in my house, not sure if I'm thinking too much of my mother dying, or not thinking about it enough. And I'm trapped here by the snow.
It's snowing in Pennsylvania too. Not as bad as here, but it's still a real storm. Will the hospital be okay? Do they have the staff they should when people are scared of the weather? Will they be there to take care of my mother? What if they lose power? What if my dad can't get to her? What if she takes a bad turn in the night and she's all alone? What if she dies before I can get home, and the snow is so bad not even my dad can be there with her?
Bad thoughts. Bad thoughts. Nothing I can do. Can't help her, can't reach her, can't make anything better. I can sit here and stew in it, my stomach churning, or I can zone out in front of mindless TV, conveniently not dealing with the reality that she's dying. Some choice. I can't make the right one.
I feel like my life is falling apart. All the most important things. It hurts so badly. So badly that I am so at a loss of how to deal that I'm doing this. Writing attention-seeking desperate cries like this even though I know nobody can do anything. I hate drawing attention to my inability to deal, I hate being an object of other people's pity.
But I concede. I'm laid low. Enough, universe. Enough.
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